I'm struggling more than I ever have

[IA_Chiefs_fan]

I'm not sure why this has affected me so deeply but it has. I can't post this on FB because it would cause pain for others. I don't really want to talk to people close to me about it.

Almost two months ago my son's on again off again girlfriend passed away in her early twenties. Thankfully they weren't going out at the time but they were talking. She's the only girl he ever loved enough to bring home to meet his parents. We don't know the cause of death. All we know is that it was sudden and unexpected.

My wife and I didn't know the girl super well but my wife was becoming closer to her via social media and text messages. We went to the girl's visitation and funeral where we meet her parents for the first time and something happened. I changed. I hurt. I know it hasn't been that long but feel like my outlook on life has permanently changed. I've dealt with the death of a teenager (cancer) who I was much closer to me and it didn't have this sort of impact on me. Maybe because it was sudden? Maybe because we don't know what happened? I know not knowing what happened is killing my son but perhaps knowing would be even worse.

I can't stop thinking about the pain the girl's parents are feeling. I'm broken hearted for my son as well but my mind keeps going to the parents. Probably because I see my son almost everyday so I can kind of keep an eye on him. The parents will occasionally message my wife and me on FB. Probably because we're good listeners and they also want to talk to someone they aren't close to. They mainly just discuss how bad they miss their daughter. These are wonderful people and I've got love for them.

I'm not really a religious person. I've just always kind of believed that if I live a good life and do good things for people, God will see that if he exists. I understand that most of you will think that's wrong or at least naive. The girl's family is very religious and they KNOW they'll see their daughter in heaven again. I'm sorry if jealous that I don't know that. Furthermore, I'm sad that I didn't instill this in my children because I can see how this helps people accept the loss slightly more easily.

I bought a new supercharged Roush pickup. I went to Las Vegas to watch UFC fights with my son, dad, and brother. I went with friends to watch MMA this past weekend. All things I normally thoroughly enjoy. I have to fake joy now. Everything seems wasteful and pointless. I'm sure time will make things better but I don't understand why this is affecting me like this. I'm typing this with tears occasionally running down my cheeks. I get a lump in my throat while thinking about it daily. **** me. Anybody been there? What helped?

[stevieray]

Sounds like your heart & soul got a wake up call.

If God IS something that you are curious about, reaching out to the parents of the girl would be a good way to go.

Thanks for sharing. If you need an ear, reach out.

[IA_Chiefs_fan]

Originally Posted by stevieray

Sounds like your soul got a wake up call.

If God IS something that you are curious about, reaching out to the parents of the girl would be a good way to go.

Thanks for sharing. If you need an ear, reach out.

Thank you.

[BryanBusby]

Originally Posted by IA_Chiefs_fan

Thanks for the clarification, friend. I've been trying to figure that out for 41 years. I've never really been happy. But I haven't been sad like this as an adult.

I would reccomend a therapist and don't have any shame in seeing one. It's great to have someone help give you the clarity you need in life.

[lewdog]

I am not religious either, but very much value human life and our meaning here on Earth.

That is still a recent passing. Still feeling sadness is pretty normal. It doesn't necessarily mean you're depressed. I would find time to talk to your son about it too, he could have similar feelings in which you two could help each other.

Use this to remind yourself to give more of yourself (your time/experience, not material items) and expect less of others (being a more patient parent). Placing value on every day life and the people around you can improve your quality of life more than anything.

[jerryaldini]

Sorry this happened to you. A different perspective on grief and religion. I don't want to offend anyone, but sometimes the religious struggle with not being able to grieve fully because they must hope for a reunion. A non believer accepts the finality and has no reservations about mourning the tragedy of the loss.

It sounds like, despite the pain, this is changing you in a good way. I lost my father at a young age and was a much more empathetic person as a result. These are consolations to bear in mind, while acknowledging that as highly conscious beings we do and will suffer great loss as we age. Best wishes.

[rtmike]

I don’t know what it is or why it happens.

Years back, a friend of a friend of mine was walking downtown with his wife. They were out on date night. They had like 4-5 kids, all under 8.
Well, there was a shoot out next block over and an errant bullet struck him in the head killing him. That took me down.

It’s strange how some things or people that are so distant can have such a profound affect on us.
Ia Chief, all that and I have no advice,smh. Back then it was just another excuse for me to drink, smh.
I imagine this helps otherwise you wouldn’t have posted. You obviously have a big heart and I’m sorry it’s aching right now. Time...time heals.

Personally, I don’t care for shrinks, etc. cause with me it seems they always wanted to talk about and blame my parents for everything, lol.

You know back in my bachelor days my beliefes were deep. I thought I was doing everything right but that didn’t stop lots of bad stuff from happening.
And it’s been non stop, even after I was paralyzed as I’ve cheated death a couple more times, smh. That should have never stopped me from being a good Christian, lol, but I have a major beef with HIM.

[Naptown Chief]

When I was 24 an incredibly good friend of mine died at 22. She was arguably my best friend at the time. Her name was Jessica. 11 years later I still think of her a lot.

All our friends knew I thought more of her than just a friend (for years) and that she felt the same. It's weird and hard to explain, as I was never shy, but neither of us made a move. We were always there for each other through our various shitty relationships. She crashed at my place all the time and I at her parents'. Our families loved each other. Again, it's like we were meant for each other but it was never the right time. As selfish as it might sound, I still say to myself "thank God we weren't dating," as if that somehow lessens the blow.

So, when she was 20 she had a seizure at work. She was working at a California Pizza Kitchen at the time, and was walking an order to a table when she suddenly dropped and started seizing. Obviously she was taken to ER, where she was met by family and friends (myself included). They found a brain tumor. She had emergency surgery and began the long road towards recovery. Again, I was spending nearly all my free time with her. I actually broke up with a girlfriend at the time when she began getting upset with and then jealous of my doing so. She didn't understand our relationship.

We all thought everything was fine until 2 years later it wasn't. She had been in remission, but one day just dropped dead instantly. Apparently the tumor had returned, undetected, attaching itself to an artery IIRC. I was inconsolable. I still think about her all the time, and how I was an idiot for never saying what was always on the tip of my tongue. I loved that woman, and I know with all of my being that she loved me too.

I feel for your son man, and I feel for you. Life is way too short (as cliche as that is).

Edit- dang, she was actually 22. After some thinking I realized my timeline was off... Also broke down a little, but that's one of those things (like losing my father) that will likely never stop hurting

[TRR]

Hang in there! I live in Colorado now but am an Iowa boy myself (Quad Cities). Things ALWAYS get better with time.

[Kman34]

"I've dealt with the death of a teenager (cancer) who I was much closer to me and it didn't have this sort of impact on me"

This is a key part of your post... Maybe this new loss has triggered something you had emotionally hidden away... I hope you find peace.. You deserve to be happy.. Everyone does.. Prayers sent...

[threebag]

IA I hope you get what you need to get through this. The best part is you are reaching out. It’s hard to find help or even just a ear or shoulder when others don’t know. You could start by talking to your primary care physician or go to a church and talk to a pastor about your feeling or questions. Grief hits people but there is nothing wrong with feeling human because EVERYTHING can affect anyone differently.

[KOOKS 1]

Having worked in EMS and had my own share of tragic deaths, there is no way to understand why.

The lesson I have came away with is no one is guaranteed a tomorrow and we all need to understand every day is a gift.

The best thing you can do is appreciate and find worth in every day.

[IA_Chiefs_fan]

Thanks all. A Planeteer is on his way over to go cruising around country roads while I drink a couple.

[Naptown Chief]

Originally Posted by IA_Chiefs_fan

Thanks all. A Planeteer is on his way over to go cruising around country roads while I drink a couple.

Awesome.

[threebag]

Originally Posted by IA_Chiefs_fan

Thanks all. A Planeteer is on his way over to go cruising around country roads while I drink a couple.

Good Luck Brah. Enjoy them cold ones

[mr. tegu]

It sounds like what you are experiencing is the uncomfortable feelings associated with not being in control of things that happen to those you care about to the extent that you might want to believe. This event seems like something you can’t simply shrug off so those feelings of anxiety and negative thoughts become more “real” and “possible” in your mind, which worsens the depression and anxiety. What happened to this other person, especially with the mystery surrounding it, leaves room in your mind for unwanted negative thoughts associated with your own son which I would guess you are experiencing.