I'm struggling more than I ever have

[IA_Chiefs_fan]

I'm not sure why this has affected me so deeply but it has. I can't post this on FB because it would cause pain for others. I don't really want to talk to people close to me about it.

Almost two months ago my son's on again off again girlfriend passed away in her early twenties. Thankfully they weren't going out at the time but they were talking. She's the only girl he ever loved enough to bring home to meet his parents. We don't know the cause of death. All we know is that it was sudden and unexpected.

My wife and I didn't know the girl super well but my wife was becoming closer to her via social media and text messages. We went to the girl's visitation and funeral where we meet her parents for the first time and something happened. I changed. I hurt. I know it hasn't been that long but feel like my outlook on life has permanently changed. I've dealt with the death of a teenager (cancer) who I was much closer to me and it didn't have this sort of impact on me. Maybe because it was sudden? Maybe because we don't know what happened? I know not knowing what happened is killing my son but perhaps knowing would be even worse.

I can't stop thinking about the pain the girl's parents are feeling. I'm broken hearted for my son as well but my mind keeps going to the parents. Probably because I see my son almost everyday so I can kind of keep an eye on him. The parents will occasionally message my wife and me on FB. Probably because we're good listeners and they also want to talk to someone they aren't close to. They mainly just discuss how bad they miss their daughter. These are wonderful people and I've got love for them.

I'm not really a religious person. I've just always kind of believed that if I live a good life and do good things for people, God will see that if he exists. I understand that most of you will think that's wrong or at least naive. The girl's family is very religious and they KNOW they'll see their daughter in heaven again. I'm sorry if jealous that I don't know that. Furthermore, I'm sad that I didn't instill this in my children because I can see how this helps people accept the loss slightly more easily.

I bought a new supercharged Roush pickup. I went to Las Vegas to watch UFC fights with my son, dad, and brother. I went with friends to watch MMA this past weekend. All things I normally thoroughly enjoy. I have to fake joy now. Everything seems wasteful and pointless. I'm sure time will make things better but I don't understand why this is affecting me like this. I'm typing this with tears occasionally running down my cheeks. I get a lump in my throat while thinking about it daily. **** me. Anybody been there? What helped?

[Graystoke]

Always a tough thing. We go through life thinking we are in control and we are not.
It is good that you are reaching out. Continue to talk, seek counseling and invest in what is true and sound, the love of family and friends

[luv]

BTW, reading through threads like this is what I really like about CP. As much crap as gets thrown at others around here, most of you really are good human beings at heart.

[MahiMike]

Sorry to hear of your struggles. Wishing you find peace.

[ChiefBlueCFC]

To me, and I am no therapist nor am I educated to give out sound advice except from my own dealings in life, it sounds like you have a great deal of empathy and while you may not have known the girl all that well, it is clear that she meant a lot to your son. That pain that your son is feeling is also causing you pain. As for the parents, in my opinion, you are able to put yourself in their shoes and able to feel the loss they feel.

I completely understand not wanting to discuss this with people you are close with. To me it sounds like it would do you some good to speak to a therapist about everything, as hard as it may be. Not because your suicidal or depressed or a danger to yourself or anyone else, but simply because it does your mind well to talk some of these things out.

I'm sorry for your loss as well as your sons and her family's as well. We all deal with death completely different but whatever you do and however you decide to deal with it, I hope you find the peace that you, your wife and your son deserve.

[Rausch]

I went through something similar after my father died. I however did drink a ton. It helped me sleep but it didn't help anything else. If anything pushing it away prevented me from dealing with it and moving on sooner.

Once the overwhelming sadness leaves there's a motivation to spend time wisely. To enjoy the company of others. To make time for people. To help people out when you can. It really is the most important thing...

[IA_Chiefs_fan]

Originally Posted by Rausch

I went through something similar after my father died. I however did drink a ton. It helped me sleep but it didn't help anything else. If anything pushing it away prevented me from dealing with it and moving on sooner.

Once the overwhelming sadness leaves there's a motivation to spend time wisely. To enjoy the company of others. To make time for people. To help people out when you can. It really is the most important thing...

So you hit on something. My kids both work for me. I'm extremely busy at work most of the time. They sometimes come to me with trivial stuff or things that they should be able to handle on their own and I know my stress sometimes causes me to respond in a way that makes them feel that I'm "too busy for them".

At the funeral that message came to me loud and clear and I decided to make a change right then and there. I met with my family a few days later and told them that I was sorry and I'd try to never do that again. I've done much better. I caught myself being sort of short once and quickly refocused and even spent extra time making small talk to make sure I was sending the proper message.

[Rausch]

Originally Posted by IA_Chiefs_fan

So you hit on something. My kids both work for me. I'm extremely busy at work most of the time. They sometimes come to me with trivial stuff or things that they should be able to handle on their own and I know my stress sometimes causes me to respond in a way that makes them feel that I'm "too busy for them".

At the funeral that message came to me loud and clear and I decided to make a change right then and there. I met with my family a few days later and told them that I was sorry and I'd try to never do that again. I've done much better. I caught myself being sort of short once and quickly refocused and even spent extra time making small talk to make sure I was sending the proper message.

I know this: no man laying on his death bed says "I only wish I could have spent more time at work."

We all end up with regrets but I doubt that will be one of them...

[IA_Chiefs_fan]

Originally Posted by Rausch

I know this: no man laying on his death bed says "I only wish I could have spent more time at work."

We all end up with regrets but I doubt that will be one of them...

I work with mostly friends so in some ways work is very healthy for me. But yeah, I agree with your point.

[tatorhog]

Its tough, and we all handle different situations differently. I sent you a PM. Hopefully some of the peeps here have, or soon will, offer some tidbits of advice that can help address some of your feelings and work towards closure and happiness.

[notorious]

I can relate.

I feel someone else’s loss much more than my own.

[IA_Chiefs_fan]

Originally Posted by notorious

I can relate.

I feel someone else’s loss much more than my own.

I've always kind of had that but never to this extreme before.

[IA_Chiefs_fan]

Your feedback does help, everyone. I'm feeling better after reading a lot of it last night and this morning. Iowanian also spent two and a half hours talking to me in my driveway last night. Thank you for giving me an outlet that I didn't really have anywhere else.

Also, in case I didn't make it clear enough, I definitely am not considering hurting myself or anything close to that.
I'm simply sad and not exactly sure why. Although a few of you probably nailed the reasons right on the head.

[O.city]

Some may think differently but I'm glad you posted this here. CP is a great little family, I've used it before to get shit off my chest.

Biggest thing I could recommend is just talking about it. To anyone. Just talk it out.

[SAUTO]

Originally Posted by O.city

Some may think differently but I'm glad you posted this here. CP is a great little family, I've used it before to get shit off my chest.

Biggest thing I could recommend is just talking about it. To anyone. Just talk it out.

i agree.

[notorious]

Originally Posted by IA_Chiefs_fan

I've always kind of had that but never to this extreme before.

I can’t explain it.

Your life story is similar to mine. When running things, you make a million decisions a day and solve hundreds of problems in stride. You forge on always looking forward.

People come to YOU for help, and that’s what you do. When a problem forms in front of you, you don’t ask for help, you take care of it yourself and move on.

Focus is key.

When something outside disrupts the focus, whether it is kids or wife, you push it to the side and refocus. When the outside force refuses to go away, you put ALL of your focus on it.

You are used to fixing problems but can’t in this case, and their problem will never go away. You can’t fix it. Your big heart is feeling the reality of this.

You will be fine, and it’s odd but this will make you a better father and husband. It’s takes time, though. Day by day, spend time with family and friends. Your focus is powerful, and will help you pull out if this.