I'm struggling more than I ever have

[IA_Chiefs_fan]

I'm not sure why this has affected me so deeply but it has. I can't post this on FB because it would cause pain for others. I don't really want to talk to people close to me about it.

Almost two months ago my son's on again off again girlfriend passed away in her early twenties. Thankfully they weren't going out at the time but they were talking. She's the only girl he ever loved enough to bring home to meet his parents. We don't know the cause of death. All we know is that it was sudden and unexpected.

My wife and I didn't know the girl super well but my wife was becoming closer to her via social media and text messages. We went to the girl's visitation and funeral where we meet her parents for the first time and something happened. I changed. I hurt. I know it hasn't been that long but feel like my outlook on life has permanently changed. I've dealt with the death of a teenager (cancer) who I was much closer to me and it didn't have this sort of impact on me. Maybe because it was sudden? Maybe because we don't know what happened? I know not knowing what happened is killing my son but perhaps knowing would be even worse.

I can't stop thinking about the pain the girl's parents are feeling. I'm broken hearted for my son as well but my mind keeps going to the parents. Probably because I see my son almost everyday so I can kind of keep an eye on him. The parents will occasionally message my wife and me on FB. Probably because we're good listeners and they also want to talk to someone they aren't close to. They mainly just discuss how bad they miss their daughter. These are wonderful people and I've got love for them.

I'm not really a religious person. I've just always kind of believed that if I live a good life and do good things for people, God will see that if he exists. I understand that most of you will think that's wrong or at least naive. The girl's family is very religious and they KNOW they'll see their daughter in heaven again. I'm sorry if jealous that I don't know that. Furthermore, I'm sad that I didn't instill this in my children because I can see how this helps people accept the loss slightly more easily.

I bought a new supercharged Roush pickup. I went to Las Vegas to watch UFC fights with my son, dad, and brother. I went with friends to watch MMA this past weekend. All things I normally thoroughly enjoy. I have to fake joy now. Everything seems wasteful and pointless. I'm sure time will make things better but I don't understand why this is affecting me like this. I'm typing this with tears occasionally running down my cheeks. I get a lump in my throat while thinking about it daily. **** me. Anybody been there? What helped?