The Survival Guide To Pooping At Work - Page 2

4th and Long · 01-31-2006, 07:42 PM

We've all been there but don't like to admit it. As much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORKPOOP is inevitable. For those who hate pooping at work, following is the Survival Guide for taking a dump at work.

CROP DUSTING:
When farting, you walk briskly around the office so the smell is not in your area and everyone else gets a whiff but doesn't know where it came from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until the full fart has been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the smell has left your pants.

FLY BY:
This is the act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in and check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.

ESCAPEE:
This is a fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing a poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of embarrassment. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee. It is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.

JAILBREAK:
When forcing a poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.

COURTESY FLUSH:
The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poop hits the water. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.

WALK OF SHAME:
Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. This very uncomfortable walk can be avoided with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH.

OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER:
This is a colleague who poops at work and is damn proud of it. You will often see an Out Of The Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under his or her arm. Always look around the office for the Out Of The Closet Pooper before entering the bathroom.

THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (P.F.N):
A group of co-workers who band together to ensure emergency pooping goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of Out Of The Closet Poopers, and identify SAFE HAVENS.

SAFE HAVENS:
A Safe Haven is a seldom-used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom.

TURD BURGLAR:
This is someone who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a poop at work If this occurs, remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.

CAMO-COUGH:
A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a stall is called a Camo-Cough. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to alert potential Turd Burglars. The Camo-Cough is very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.

ASTAIRE:
An Astaire is a subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd Burglars that you are occupying a stall. This will all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.

WATERMELON:
A watermelon is a big poop that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.

HAVANA OMELET:
A case of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using a Camo-Cough with an ASTAIRE.

UNCLE TODD:
An Uncle Todd is a bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. This person could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An Uncle Todd makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to poop when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as other bathroom attendees.

Hope the Survival Guide helps, as the WORKPOOP is an inevitable part of life.

**MahiMike** · 01-02-2019, 06:25 PM

My secret (but don't tell my coworkers) is to go to the building next door where the executives poop. Their bathrooms are much nicer, less congested and the ratio of ass size to toilet seat is half that in my building.

Sassy Squatch · 01-02-2019, 06:28 PM

Boss makes a dollar, I make a dime

Thats why I poop, on company time

TLO · 01-02-2019, 07:08 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by rabblerouser

Well, a good shit IS underrated...

But the worst pussy I ever had was still better than the best shit of my life.

I don't know that you've ever had a TRULY great shit then.

rabblerouser · 01-02-2019, 07:12 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by TLO

I don't know that you've ever had a TRULY great shit then.

Well, I've got a good story about a shit I took in Terre Haute...

But the real crux is, I don't think I've ever had any truly "bad" pussy.

I've heard some stories...I consider myself lucky.

TLO · 01-02-2019, 07:14 PM

I remember the exact date of my greatest shit ever. It was April 20th, 2011. It was a clean breaker that was so large, it stuck out of the toilet water like a log sticking out of a pond. Zero wipeage needed. I felt like a new man after that day.

**Bob Dole** · 01-02-2019, 07:15 PM

Thankfully I've had jobs with the latitude to go home to shit. One emergency is all I can recall, and it happened 3 floors up.

**TribalElder** · 01-02-2019, 07:16 PM

I enjoy going to another departments area and dropping a bowl stopper

TLO · 01-02-2019, 07:18 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by rabblerouser

Well, I've got a good story about a shit I took in Terre Haute...

But the real crux is, I don't think I've ever had any truly "bad" pussy.

I've heard some stories...I consider myself lucky.

There was this girl I dated for a short time - was a total freak in bed, but has the most AWFUL smelling vag. No matter what she did to try and do about it, she smelled like rotten fish.

Needless to say that relationship didn't last long.

TLO · 01-02-2019, 07:23 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Bob Dole

Thankfully I've had jobs with the latitude to go home to shit. One emergency is all I can recall, and it happened 3 floors up.

Speaking of "emergencies"

A few years back I was driving to class when I started noticing my stomach start to rumble. "I'll just go when I get to class I tell myself". Little did I know there was a major wreck on the interstate, and that traffic was backed up for miles. By this point my stomach is cramping and I'm in extreme pain. I'm still about a half mile from the nearest exit.

Eventually I just let go. Shit my pants right there in the car. It was warm, and ran down my leg. I spent the remainder of the day detailing that car like no other car had been detailed before.

rabblerouser · 01-02-2019, 07:29 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by TribalElder

I enjoy going to another departments area and dropping a bowl stopper

@ bowl stopper

Quote:

Originally Posted by TLO

There was this girl I dated for a short time - was a total freak in bed, but has the most AWFUL smelling vag. No matter what she did to try and do about it, she smelled like rotten fish.

Needless to say that relationship didn't last long.

That's what I'm talking about.

My buddy was dating this chick who was...okay, seemed kinda cool, had a kinda crooked nose and a snaggle tooth, but, I've seen worse.

I asked him the other day : "you still with old girl?"

He goes : "the crooked nose bitch with the stinky pussy? Hell no."

I've been blessed.

Quote:

Originally Posted by TLO

Speaking of "emergencies"

A few years back I was driving to class when I started noticing my stomach start to rumble. "I'll just go when I get to class I tell myself". Little did I know there was a major wreck on the interstate, and that traffic was backed up for miles. By this point my stomach is cramping and I'm in extreme pain. I'm still about a half mile from the nearest exit.

Eventually I just let go. Shit my pants right there in the car. It was warm, and ran down my leg. I spent the remainder of the day detailing that car like no other car had been detailed before.

I'm in tears over here.

Dude, no way I shit in my own car.

I would've got out and shit on the side of the road.

DaNewGuy · 01-02-2019, 07:31 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by TLO

Speaking of "emergencies"

A few years back I was driving to class when I started noticing my stomach start to rumble. "I'll just go when I get to class I tell myself". Little did I know there was a major wreck on the interstate, and that traffic was backed up for miles. By this point my stomach is cramping and I'm in extreme pain. I'm still about a half mile from the nearest exit.

Eventually I just let go. Shit my pants right there in the car. It was warm, and ran down my leg. I spent the remainder of the day detailing that car like no other car had been detailed before.

DUDE

cooper barrett · 01-02-2019, 07:35 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by 4th and Long

What designer in their right mind decided that putting a bathroom in the FRONT of the office was a good idea? Bathrooms need to be placed far, far away from places that people frequent. Putting it in the front of the office is about as smart as building your home next to a landfill. PHEW!

Don't you have one in or near all your bedrooms. I have a mudroom with a crapper in it just off the kitchen.

Companies should furnish

cooper barrett · 01-02-2019, 08:14 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by TLO

I remember the exact date of my greatest shit ever. It was April 20th, 2011. It was a clean breaker that was so large, it stuck out of the toilet water like a log sticking out of a pond. Zero wipeage needed. I felt like a new man after that day.

Big dump

01-31-2006, 07:42 PM
4th and Long Wheeeeee!!! Join Date: Nov 2003 Location: In a house Casino cash: $9144925	The Survival Guide To Pooping At Work We've all been there but don't like to admit it. As much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORKPOOP is inevitable. For those who hate pooping at work, following is the Survival Guide for taking a dump at work. CROP DUSTING: When farting, you walk briskly around the office so the smell is not in your area and everyone else gets a whiff but doesn't know where it came from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until the full fart has been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the smell has left your pants. FLY BY: This is the act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in and check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom. ESCAPEE: This is a fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing a poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of embarrassment. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee. It is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy. JAILBREAK: When forcing a poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred. COURTESY FLUSH: The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poop hits the water. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME. WALK OF SHAME: Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. This very uncomfortable walk can be avoided with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH. OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER: This is a colleague who poops at work and is damn proud of it. You will often see an Out Of The Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under his or her arm. Always look around the office for the Out Of The Closet Pooper before entering the bathroom. THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (P.F.N): A group of co-workers who band together to ensure emergency pooping goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of Out Of The Closet Poopers, and identify SAFE HAVENS. SAFE HAVENS: A Safe Haven is a seldom-used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom. TURD BURGLAR: This is someone who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a poop at work If this occurs, remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact. CAMO-COUGH: A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a stall is called a Camo-Cough. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to alert potential Turd Burglars. The Camo-Cough is very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE. ASTAIRE: An Astaire is a subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd Burglars that you are occupying a stall. This will all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop in peace. WATERMELON: A watermelon is a big poop that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH. HAVANA OMELET: A case of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using a Camo-Cough with an ASTAIRE. UNCLE TODD: An Uncle Todd is a bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. This person could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An Uncle Todd makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to poop when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as other bathroom attendees. Hope the Survival Guide helps, as the WORKPOOP is an inevitable part of life.
Posts: 19,799

01-02-2019, 06:25 PM	#16
MahiMike He's Mahomie! Join Date: Aug 2001 Location: Jax, FL Casino cash: $10023443	My secret (but don't tell my coworkers) is to go to the building next door where the executives poop. Their bathrooms are much nicer, less congested and the ratio of ass size to toilet seat is half that in my building. __________________ 99.9%
Posts: 17,387

01-02-2019, 06:28 PM	#17
Sassy Squatch The man you could post like. Join Date: Oct 2010 Casino cash: $2069655	Boss makes a dollar, I make a dime Thats why I poop, on company time
Posts: 38,117

01-02-2019, 07:14 PM	#20
TLO Life is changing.. Join Date: Jul 2012 Location: NW Missouri Casino cash: $1524900	I remember the exact date of my greatest shit ever. It was April 20th, 2011. It was a clean breaker that was so large, it stuck out of the toilet water like a log sticking out of a pond. Zero wipeage needed. I felt like a new man after that day.
Posts: 39,166

01-02-2019, 07:15 PM	#21
Bob Dole King Shit of **** Mountain Join Date: Aug 2000 Location: Texarkana, Texas Casino cash: $2194497	Thankfully I've had jobs with the latitude to go home to shit. One emergency is all I can recall, and it happened 3 floors up.
Posts: 48,734

01-02-2019, 07:16 PM	#22
TribalElder Arrowhead Trail of Tears Join Date: Oct 2012 Location: KansasCity Casino cash: $2080441	I enjoy going to another departments area and dropping a bowl stopper
Posts: 29,196