I have created a new insect religion for mankind's benefit.
 

On my way to work today, I noticed a small movement on the sidewalk. As I approached, I realized that it was a bug that had somehow gotten turned upside down. It was wiggling its little arms and legs (or maybe they're all legs) helplessly, but it had no chance of righting itself.

After a moment of thought, I moved my shoe to a strategic location, and flipped the bug. While there was some skidding involved that was probably less than pleasant, the bug eventually got turned upright.

The implications of this are profound from the bug's perspective. Think about it - due to some bad Darwinian design, you're doomed. You're upside down, your thorax is exposed, and your carapace is too heavy to right yourself. Spiders and ants and wasps are inevitably bearing down on you. Your life, all two weeks of it, are flashing before your compound eye stalks.

And then suddenly out of the blue, a giant being appears, so large that you can't even see the top of it. A massive, mountain-sized foot moves toward you. But instead of crushing you, it benevolently flips you back to safety and then disappears swiftly over the horizon.

People, this is how religions are born.

If you're that bug, you now believe that there's a giant being out there looking out for you. You love the giant being. The giant being is your friend.
You're going to preach that gospel to other bugs, and you're going to tell them not to buzz the giant beings. Don't fly into their noses, don't drown yourself in their drinks. You're going to convert other bugs with your story, and peace will come in our time. People and bugs will live together in harmony.

You're welcome.

I want to thank you for saving potential fish bait.

Thanks Rainman!

You’re good from here on out. If something bad happens to bug (or other bugs), they deserved it for sinning. If something good happens, Rainman be praised!

Will be interested to see how you handle bugs thanking you for bug-related sporting event wins.

Dear lord when is training camp?

Judgement Day for non-believers:

https://cdn1.imggmi.com/uploads/2019...e3676-full.jpg upload

If only we were better at doing the same for people.

Jesus has flipped me over and saved my life. What about you Rain Man ?:shrug:

Speak for yourself. I've kicked countless people I've found sleeping on sidewalks. And without even a word of thanks mind you.

I used to think that bugs got flipped over and died as a result. Then I read an article talking about how the bugs are usually dying already, and as a result they turn over. (Because they no longer have the strength to remain upright.) That's why so many bugs end up flipped over again almost as soon as you right them.

That bug from this morning? Probably dead before you even typed this.

Thoughts and prayers.

https://i.imgur.com/hhVQnUO.jpg

Ok Rainman, step back from the edge. Don't look down. Go the the NFL channel and watch any football game. That should do it for you for the next 3 weeks.
Remember, "WE LOVE YOU MAN"

Oh ye of little faith. I saved the bug, and the bugs shall save me.

My God the season can't here fast enough

I saw a show on bugs the other day. Well, there's this one species of bug that crawls trees. Somehow or another at the top of this tree is a female - but there are many male bugs on the tree limbs and crawling as well. So there is this one pretty cool bug and he want to get up top to hook up with the female bug. He meets one male bug on the way up and immediately body slams him off of the tree, then is attacked by another, so he powerbombs this one off the tree as well. Almost there. Now he reaches the female and her claws are no match so he bangs her from behind. Then for some reason he threw her off the tree as well, I laughed so hard, but this is how you meet women. they might have money and think they are smart but in fact you are the dominant species and if you don't show it or act on it, you will never score.

Yeah, but what if I don't want to **** a bug?

****ing a bug might be your only chance in life to have a penis that's not too small, dude.

I got turned down once at closing time by a praying mantis. That was a close call.

This religion was already invented by John Steinback in chapter 3 of Grapes of Wrath.

Ah. The mind of Rain Man. Never ending fun.

When that happens to me I just tell myself that they're probably only in to ladybugs.

My bug religion is the one true bug religion. I'll have words with any man who disagrees...

So you're the bug's God.

What did you tell it about dinosaurs? Evolution? The Big Bang Theory?

My bugs will kill any other bugs who disagree. The religion of Giant Nike Shoe is the one true religion. All bugs bow before GiNiSh.

I prefer to let them conjecture, but I have placed exciting hints amongst them.

Go to the ant, O sluggard; consider her ways, and be wise.

https://i.imgur.com/Z2usngE.jpg


My Queen, my Queen, why hast thou forsaken me?

I can picture a bright ant archeologist rocking the insect world by reconstructing a chicken out of a bucket of KFC you discarded.

I may start writing some scriptures/proverbs if that's alright with you Rainman.
This is pretty exciting. Any idea on what insect language I should use?

I'll let you have one of the chapters of my holy book. I think beetle is probably the best language to use since it's most widely spoken. If you speak beetle, you can go anywhere in the insect world and be understood.

One Chapter?
WHAT KIND OF GOD ARE YOU?

Be careful what dialect you choose though. You go with a dung beetle accent and everyone will think you're just talking shit.

Do you have any concept of how many insect disciples I have? And they're all working on chapters of their own. At my last supper, I had over a hundred gnats and 200 ants, and that's not even counting the ones that were ground up in the strawberry jelly.

They were giants once they could be again. We will be their prey so smash them we can never be friends.

Yeah I watched the progression of earth thingy on here. I remember the giant bugs. Working outside I have pulled many ticks crawling or embedded in me they get the hot engine hood of the work truck treatment.

Sorry, I got a better offer from Satant

That's a fly by night outfit.

Not actual flies. Flies worship me.

Mothra, forgive them, for they know not what they do.


Look, this religion thing is pretty new for these guys. It's gonna take a while for the ticks to figure out this whole transubstantiation thing ok?

Soon that bug will be develop a following of other bugs after telling tales of an imaginary man that loves all bugs, he will be crucified for his beliefs about the greatness of this man and then for centuries the believers of this bug and his tales about the imaginary man will wait outside grocery stores and shopping malls handing out pamphlets that nobody wants.

Good news/bad news. The bad news is that you may be Beelzebub. The good news is that William Golding probably owes you millions in royalties.

There's only one problem with your theory - this bug, the one who received direct revelation of your existence, can't communicate with other bugs. Your stature as a supreme being will not last beyond its already short lifespan.

Furthermore, even if he can communicate, he's probably too embarrassed to tell the other insects that he got himself turned upside down somehow. That has to rank pretty highly on the list of ways for an insect to embarrass himself. It would be like getting your head stuck in a chair.

All Rain Man has to do is provide him with a little book and a tiny pencil so he can jot his story down. That should keep his swarm from doubting his word for at least a couple of thousand years, right?

What if I told you that Lazarus wasn't exactly dead when Jesus rolled by? Some scholars believe that he was a first century A.D. Version of the Life Alert lady and the King of Kings just gave him a swift kick with a sandal to get his ass off the ground.

Is your religion one where the bugs can depict you in drawings?

Graven images will only be allowed in the Eastern Orthodox branch. As popular 80s comedian Yakov Smirnoff explains: "In Russia flies draw you!"

https://i.imgur.com/oLT3BuD.jpg

I love this place.

How long will this bug transformation to nice bug take?

The gnats are bad as **** right now and I may start murdering them with spray. Not sure how that will sit with the new reformed bug movement.

I welcome it. It helps spread the word and will keep me from getting mosquito bites.

Now that they have religion, you do not want to become their devil. I would advise you to wait for word to spread. It may take a few thousand years.

They do the mutilation thing, right?

http://lpautoglassorlando.com/blog/w...windshield.jpg

They were lost and directionless until I brought order to their world. Now they know their way.

I never even managed to become anything: neither wicked nor good, neither a hero nor an insect. And now I am living out my life in my corner, taunting myself with the spiteful and utterly futile consolation that it is even impossible for an intelligent man seriously to become anything, and only fools become something.* I wanted many times to become an insect, but was not deemed worthy even of that!

My new religion has spawned its first philosopher. This is a big step.

I'm sure they have already sung the benevolent praises of the Rainman to their brethren the cockroach, silverfish, termite and housefly. They shall search for the House of Rainman and enter the holy site to worship and exalt in his presence.

:D

Do you consider yourself as a good Samaritan now?

I was just thinking with Rainman inviting all the bugs into his home the arachnids are going to breech his border walls. brown recluse, black widow and funnel spiders love bugs its like their prime rib.

It's a big tent. As long as they worship and respect the Giant Nike Shoe, they will do no harm.

100% chance this bug goes on to be the Hitler of its kind. Thanks Rainman!

Too late. God help us all.

Last week I was gassing my car and a wasp was crawling on the ground by my foot. I considered crushing it, but ultimately decided not to since it wasn’t a yellow jacket or a hornet. Two minutes later I’m making a turn onto a busy road where I have to move fast and time things so I can get over 3 lanes in a hurry, when I feel something crawling on my neck. While turning the wheel and accelerating I went to brush it away and my hand recognized it as a wasp just as it stung me on my sunburnt neck. Somehow I managed to not wreck my car. Also couldn’t find the wasp while driving until I had stopped and gotten out, at which time I ended the life of that ungrateful mother****er. This felt like the right place to tell this story.