Clean jokes can be funny too!

[Frankie]

Or at least good for a chuckle. Here's something completely different (for this BB). This thread is dedicated to ONLY CLEAN JOKES. Please post any clean joke that you find funny or at least amusing. We will not call you "dorks." Not in this thread. Let's see what you've got,... and share them.

Don't worry about repeat jokes. Nobody has time to check all posts.

[Frankie]

Originally Posted by kc hopeful

Quick Thinker

A man walked into the produce section of his local supermarket, and asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy working in that department told him
that they only sold whole heads of lettuce. The man was insistent that the boy ask his manager about the matter.

Walking into the back room, the boy said to the manager, "Some a**h*** wants to buy half a head of lettuce." As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, "And this gentleman kindly offered to buy the other half."

The manager approved the deal, and the man went on his way.

Later the manager said to the boy, "I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think on their feet here."

"Where are you from, son?"

"Texas, sir," the boy replied.

"Well, why did you leave Texas?" the manager asked.

The boy said, "Sir, there's nothing but whores and football players down there."

"Really?" said the manager. "My wife is from Texas."

"No s***???" replied the boy. "Who'd she play for?"

[Frankie]

TWO NUNS

There were two nuns...

One of them was known as Sister Mathematical (SM),

and the other one was known as Sister Logical (SL).

It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.

SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for
the past thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants.

SL: It's logical. He wants to rape us.

SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes
at the most! What can we do?

SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster.

SM: It's not working.

SL: Of course it's not working. The man did the only
logical thing. He started to walk faster, too.

SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.

SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and
I'll go this way. He cannot follow us both.

So the man decided to follow Sister Logical.

Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is
worried about what has happened to Sister Logical.

Then Sister Logical arrives.

SM: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here!
Tell me what happened!

SL: The only logical thing happened.
The man couldn't follow us both,so he followed me

SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then?

SL: The only logical thing happened. I started to run
as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he could.

SM: And?

SL: The only logical thing happened. He reached me

SM: Oh, dear! What did you do?

SL: The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up.

SM: Oh, Sister! What did the man do?

SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants.


SM: Oh, no! What happened then?

SL: Isn't it logical, Sister?
A nun with her dress up can run faster than man with his pants down.

And for those of you who thought it would be dirty,

I'll pray for you!

[Frankie]

Kclee just did a thread with this joke. But I thought its home should be this thread. (Plus, it's a hell of a way for me to get a cheap post in. ) :

A hillbilly went hunting one day in Kentucky and bagged three ducks. He put them in the bed of his pickup truck and was about to drive home
when he was confronted by an ornery game warden who didn't like hillbillies.

The game warden ordered to the hillbilly to show his hunting license, and the hillbilly pulled out a valid Kentucky hunting license.

The game warden looked at the license, then reached over and picked up one of the ducks, sniffed its butt, and said, "This duck ain't from Kentucky. This is a Tennessee duck. You got a Tennessee huntin' license, boy?"

The hillbilly reached into his wallet and produced a Tennessee hunting license.

The game warden looked at it, then reached over and grabbed the second duck, sniffed its butt, and said, "This ain't no Tennessee duck. This duck's from Mississippi. You got a Mississippi license?"

The hillbilly reached into his wallet and produced a Mississippi hunting license

The warden then reached over and picked up the third duck , sniffed its butt, and said, "This ain't no Mississippi duck. This here duck's from South Carolina. You got a South Carolina huntin' license?"

Again the hillbilly reached into his wallet and brought out a South Carolina hunting license.

The game warden was extremely frustrated at this point, and he yelled at the hillbilly, "Boy, just where the hell are you from?"

The hillbilly turned around, dropped his pants, bent over, and said,"You tell me. You're the expert."

[Simplex3]

An Indian chief was sitting by the campfire one night and noticed an eight your old Indian who looked troubled. He called to the young man and told him to come sit by him and explain what was troubling him.

"I was trying to figure out why we are named the way we are."

So the Chief replies, "Well, son, we believe our names should be connected to the Earth that keeps us. So, when a child is born we look out the teepee door and name the child after the first thing we see. Your brother Flying Eagle was born near mountains, your sister Running Brook was born in a valley. Why do you ask Two Dogs Screwing?"

[Delano]

Joke

Ralph arrived at his Internal Revenue Service audit accompanied by another man. The IRS guy assumed the other man was Ralph's attorney.

Going over his records, the IRS official said, "Well, sir, it appears that you live at a much higher level than your reported employment income. How do you explain that?"

Ralph replied, "I love to gamble and I usually win."

The skeptical official gave him a disbelieving look.

"I can prove it," said Ralph. "How about a demonstration?"

The official thought a moment and said, "Okay. Go ahead."

Ralph said, "I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye."

The auditor thought a moment and said, "No way! It's a bet!"

Ralph removed his glass eye and bit it.

The official's jaw dropped. Ralph said, "Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye."

The official could tell Ralph wasn't blind, so he took the bet.

Ralph then removed his dentures and bit his good eye.

The stunned official was now three grand in the hole

"Want to go double or nothing?" Ralph asked. "I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on your desk and piss into that wastebasket by the door over there and never get a drop anywhere in between."

The auditor, twice burned, was cautious now, but there's no way this guy could manage that stunt, so he agreed again!

Ralph climbed up on the auditor's desk, missed the wastebasket completely, and pretty much peed all over the desk.

The official grinned. He had just turned a huge loss into a huge win! But then he noticed that Ralph's friend looked ashen and was visibly shaking.

"Are you okay?" he asked.

The man replied, "Not really. Before we arrived, Ralph bet me twenty thousand dollars he'd piss on your desk and you'd be happy about it!"

[Frankie]

A Spanish teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.
"House,'' for instance, is feminine: ''la casa.''
''Pencil,'' however, is masculine: "el lapiz.''
A student asked, ''What gender is 'computer'?'' Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether 'computer'' should be a masculine or a feminine noun. Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.

The men's group decided that ''computer'' should definitely be of the feminine gender (''la computadora'') because:
1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else
3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

(THIS GETS BETTER!)
The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be masculine (''el computador'') because:
1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on
2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves
3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better
model.

The girls won.

[greg63]

A rich woman sitting at her vanity mirror in her bed room notices the butler walking by her bedroom door. She calls to the butler and orders him to come into her bedroom and to close the door behind him. She then looks deep into his eyes and with a soft sensual voice says: “I want you to take off my dress”. The butler being one that always does as he is told by his master complied with her command. The woman then ordered the obedient servant to: “Take off my stockings”, and the butler complied. She then demanded him to “Take off my bra, and my panties!” The butler, once again, complied. The rich woman then informed the butler that: “I never want to see you in those clothes again!”

[big nasty kcnut]

why did the chicken cross the road

cause the road killed his brother

[Frankie]

Originally Posted by greg63

A rich woman sitting at her vanity mirror in her bed room notices the butler walking by her bedroom door. She calls to the butler and orders him to come into her bedroom and to close the door behind him. She then looks deep into his eyes and with a soft sensual voice says: “I want you to take off my dress”. The butler being one that always does as he is told by his master complied with her command. The woman then ordered the obedient servant to: “Take off my stockings”, and the butler complied. She then demanded him to “Take off my bra, and my panties!” The butler, once again, complied. The rich woman then informed the butler that: “I never want to see you in those clothes again!”

For a moment there, Greg, I thought I'd have to right you a ticket for violating the thread guidelines. But you were saved by the punchline.

[greg63]

Originally Posted by Frankie

For a moment there, Greg, I thought I'd have to right you a ticket for violating the thread guidelines. But you were saved by the punchline.

The effect I was hoping for.

[el borracho]

Why did the psychic cross the road?


To get to the 'other side.'

[PostalChief]

Three dogs are sitting near each other in a veterinarian's waiting room. The first dog looks at the second dog and asks, "So, what are you here for?" The second dog answers, "I'm a digger. I've dug up flower beds, shrubs, and a bunch of sod. Well, the other day I was sleeping in my master's chair. I had a bad dream about digging and tore up the leather cushions. He went nuts and now I'm here to be neutered."

The first dog replies, "I know what you mean because I'm a pooper. I poop everywhere. I've pooped in the kitchen, the living room and all the bedrooms. Well, I was sleeping in my master's bed and I just couldn't help myself. Now, here I am getting neutered too."

The first and second dog look at the third dog and ask, "What about you, pal?" The third dog answers, "Hey, I'm a humper. I hump everything. I've humped cats, rabbits and squirrels. Hell, I've even tried to hump a chicken. The other day, I was walking by the bathroom and my master had just finished her shower. As she bent over to towel her legs, I lost it. I humped her."

The first dog asks, "Are you getting neutered too?"

The third dog answers, "Hell no, I'm just here to get my claws trimmed."

[greg63]

A man walked into a doctor's office. "What do you have?" the receptionist asked. "Shingles," he replied. She told him to sit down. Soon a nurse called him and asked, "What do you have?" "Shingles," he replied. She took his blood pressure, weight, and complete medical history. Then she took him to a room and told him to remove all of his clothes. After a few minutes the doctor came in and asked, "What do you have?" "Shingles," the man told him. The doctor looked him up and down and said, "Where?" "Out on the truck. Where do you want me to unload them?"


Nite Planet!

[Frankie]

The following are funny enough to be posted but lame enough to be all in one post. Good for a smile:


Dear Abby: I was married to Bill for three months and I didn't know he drank until, one night, he came home sober.


The Sunday School teacher asked, "Now, Johnny, tell me, do you say prayers before eating?"
"No sir," he replied, "We don't have to. My mom is a good cook."


An Indian fell into an outhouse and got trapped for a very long time. After a long time a man came and fished him out. The man asked the Indian how long he had been in there.
The Indian replied, "I've seen many moons."

[rad]

A man at a bar one night drank too much and wound up vomiting down the front of his shirt. "crap, my wifes gonna flip, I promised her I'd quit drinking". The guy next to him picks up the poor man's $20 that was in front of him and slips it into his breast pocket. "There. When you get home tell her you stayed late at the office and some slob sitting next to you on the bus puked on you and gave you that to cover the dry cleaning". "That's brilliant, thanks brother", as her stumbled out of the bar on his way home.

Upon arriving home, his agitated wife demands an explanation. As the poor slob recites the story, he produces the money from his pocket. "See, here's the $20 he gave me". His wife takes it and says "there's $40 dollars here"................

"Oh yeah" the man says "he crapped in my pants too."