Funny Stuff The Onion Revisisted

Holladay · 10-19-2017, 03:28 PM

It has been awhile since I read "The Onion". So Googled "The Best of". # 3 top "News" story is about how surprised the 9/11 hijackers were to have landed in Hell.

This "quote" had me giggling...

"Indeed, I do not know what they were expecting, but they certainly didn't seem prepared to be skewered from eye socket to bunghole and then placed on a spit so that their flesh could be roasted by the searing gale of flatus which issues forth from the haunches of Asmoday."

It reminded me of some of our more colorful posters on CP.

Here was another gem:

""I was told that these Americans were enemies of the one true religion, and that Heaven would be my reward for my noble sacrifice," said Alomari, moments before his jaw was sheared away by faceless homunculi. "But now I am forced to suckle from the 16 poisoned leathern teats of Gophahmet, Whore of Betrayal, until I burst from an unwholesome engorgement of curdled bile. This must be some sort of terrible mistake."

I had to look up homuncul...lol

Here is the link to that story:

https://www.theonion.com/hijackers-s...ell-1819566162

Any other favorites?

**The Franchise** · 10-19-2017, 03:30 PM

Revisisted?

displacedinMN · 10-19-2017, 03:31 PM

https://www.theonion.com/planet-eart...-it-1819572679

Holladay · 10-19-2017, 03:33 PM

Ya, I had to revisited it again

My bust

Holladay · 10-19-2017, 03:34 PM

Just the title of the planet earth had me laughing. I needed this today.

Holladay · 10-19-2017, 03:36 PM

Goodness, this is pure gold.

"Exacerbating the terrorists' tortures, which include being hollowed out and used as prophylactics by thorn-cocked Gulbuth The Rampant, is the fact that they will be forced to endure such suffering in sight of the Paradise they were expecting."

The author is twistedly funny!

displacedinMN · 10-19-2017, 03:58 PM

It is a great read to take your mind off anything. I post tweets they make during NFL games. They are good.

JoeyChuckles · 10-19-2017, 04:10 PM

Still better than a Deberg thread.

Holladay · 10-19-2017, 04:16 PM

Holy Crap. The Onion was prophetic back 7/98. In a piece of satire about a fake homosexual organization trying to reach numbers growth goal, this was written:

""Clearly, the activist homosexual lobby is winning."

Emmonds credited much of the recruiting success to the gay lobby's infiltration of America's public schools, where programs promoting the homosexual lifestyle are regularly presented to children as young as 5.

Lansing, MI, fifth-grade teacher Margaret Gerhardt. Gerhardt's is one of countless elementary-school classes across the U.S. in which the homosexual agenda and lifestyle are actively promoted. "It's crucial that we reach these kids while they're still young," Emmonds said. "That's when they're most vulnerable to our message of sexual promiscuity and deviance." "

Link to the Onion article

https://www.theonion.com/98-homosexu...oal-1819564785

Another:

"Though Emmonds said gays have been tremendously successful in tearing at the fabric of society and subverting basic decency, she stressed that their work is far from over.

"For all the progress we've made, America is still overwhelmingly heterosexual," said Emmonds, who is calling for an additional $2.6 billion in federal aid to further the gay agenda. "If we are to insidiously penetrate American society, as we constantly do each other's orifices, we need more money and resources. Without such help, this country will remain the domain of decent, moral, God-fearing Christians. And that would be a sin.""

I am not homophobic but dislike their political agenda being pushed when, dunno 5% of the population is gay making the other 95% sub-servant.

Heck I just had to look up the definition of LBGT. I don't care.

DanT · 10-19-2017, 04:18 PM

https://www.theonion.com/horoscope-f...999-1819593106

Quote:

Originally Posted by The Onion Horoscope, May 19, 1999

Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

You will soon leave this world the way you entered it: screaming in the backseat of a blood-soaked taxi.

Holladay · 10-19-2017, 04:48 PM

:

:

How old is The Onion? DanT's post was from '99. Mine earlier was from '98.

Definitely some creative minds over there. That job must be a BLAST. Imagine showing up for work each day..."How can we f&#K with people today?"

**Rausch** · 10-19-2017, 04:52 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Holladay

Definitely some creative minds over there. That job must be a BLAST. Imagine showing up for work each day..."How can we f&#K with people today?"

So It's like posting on Chiefsplanet for a living?...

Holladay · 10-19-2017, 05:12 PM

Classic response!

10-19-2017, 03:28 PM
Holladay Veteran Join Date: Sep 2000 Casino cash: $2519480	The Onion Revisisted It has been awhile since I read "The Onion". So Googled "The Best of". # 3 top "News" story is about how surprised the 9/11 hijackers were to have landed in Hell. This "quote" had me giggling... "Indeed, I do not know what they were expecting, but they certainly didn't seem prepared to be skewered from eye socket to bunghole and then placed on a spit so that their flesh could be roasted by the searing gale of flatus which issues forth from the haunches of Asmoday." It reminded me of some of our more colorful posters on CP. Here was another gem: ""I was told that these Americans were enemies of the one true religion, and that Heaven would be my reward for my noble sacrifice," said Alomari, moments before his jaw was sheared away by faceless homunculi. "But now I am forced to suckle from the 16 poisoned leathern teats of Gophahmet, Whore of Betrayal, until I burst from an unwholesome engorgement of curdled bile. This must be some sort of terrible mistake." I had to look up homuncul...lol Here is the link to that story: https://www.theonion.com/hijackers-s...ell-1819566162 Any other favorites?
Posts: 3,586

10-19-2017, 03:30 PM	#2
The Franchise Most Valuable Villain Join Date: Dec 2006 Casino cash: $2985047	Revisisted?
Posts: 92,206

10-19-2017, 03:31 PM	#3
displacedinMN It was not a fair catch Join Date: Aug 2012 Location: Correcting papers Casino cash: $2822630	https://www.theonion.com/planet-eart...-it-1819572679 __________________ #investigatecarlcheffers
Posts: 36,385

10-19-2017, 03:33 PM	#4
Holladay Veteran Join Date: Sep 2000 Casino cash: $2519480	Ya, I had to revisited it again My bust
Posts: 3,586

10-19-2017, 03:34 PM	#5
Holladay Veteran Join Date: Sep 2000 Casino cash: $2519480	Just the title of the planet earth had me laughing. I needed this today.
Posts: 3,586

10-19-2017, 03:36 PM	#6
Holladay Veteran Join Date: Sep 2000 Casino cash: $2519480	Goodness, this is pure gold. "Exacerbating the terrorists' tortures, which include being hollowed out and used as prophylactics by thorn-cocked Gulbuth The Rampant, is the fact that they will be forced to endure such suffering in sight of the Paradise they were expecting." The author is twistedly funny!
Posts: 3,586

10-19-2017, 03:58 PM	#7
displacedinMN It was not a fair catch Join Date: Aug 2012 Location: Correcting papers Casino cash: $2822630	It is a great read to take your mind off anything. I post tweets they make during NFL games. They are good. __________________ #investigatecarlcheffers
Posts: 36,385

10-19-2017, 04:10 PM	#8
JoeyChuckles Bring It Home Join Date: Jun 2010 Location: North Haverbrook Casino cash: $10007012	Still better than a Deberg thread.
Posts: 4,322

10-19-2017, 04:16 PM	#9
Holladay Veteran Join Date: Sep 2000 Casino cash: $2519480	Holy Crap. The Onion was prophetic back 7/98. In a piece of satire about a fake homosexual organization trying to reach numbers growth goal, this was written: ""Clearly, the activist homosexual lobby is winning." Emmonds credited much of the recruiting success to the gay lobby's infiltration of America's public schools, where programs promoting the homosexual lifestyle are regularly presented to children as young as 5. Lansing, MI, fifth-grade teacher Margaret Gerhardt. Gerhardt's is one of countless elementary-school classes across the U.S. in which the homosexual agenda and lifestyle are actively promoted. "It's crucial that we reach these kids while they're still young," Emmonds said. "That's when they're most vulnerable to our message of sexual promiscuity and deviance." " Link to the Onion article https://www.theonion.com/98-homosexu...oal-1819564785 Another: "Though Emmonds said gays have been tremendously successful in tearing at the fabric of society and subverting basic decency, she stressed that their work is far from over. "For all the progress we've made, America is still overwhelmingly heterosexual," said Emmonds, who is calling for an additional $2.6 billion in federal aid to further the gay agenda. "If we are to insidiously penetrate American society, as we constantly do each other's orifices, we need more money and resources. Without such help, this country will remain the domain of decent, moral, God-fearing Christians. And that would be a sin."" I am not homophobic but dislike their political agenda being pushed when, dunno 5% of the population is gay making the other 95% sub-servant. Heck I just had to look up the definition of LBGT. I don't care. Last edited by Holladay; 10-19-2017 at 04:24 PM..
Posts: 3,586

10-19-2017, 04:48 PM	#11
Holladay Veteran Join Date: Sep 2000 Casino cash: $2519480	:: How old is The Onion? DanT's post was from '99. Mine earlier was from '98. Definitely some creative minds over there. That job must be a BLAST. Imagine showing up for work each day..."How can we f&#K with people today?"
Posts: 3,586

10-19-2017, 05:12 PM	#13
Holladay Veteran Join Date: Sep 2000 Casino cash: $2519480	Classic response!
Posts: 3,586