The Night Before Chiefsmas

[Hammock Parties]

'Twas the night before Chiefsmas, when all through Arrowhead
Not a creature was stirring, and no one wore red.

But helmets were hung in their lockers with care
In hopes that Fat Romeo soon would be there

The Chiefs were nestled all snug in their beds,
While visions of dead Falcons danced in their heads;

And Pioli in his jammies, and Clark in his nightgown
Had just settled down after drinking the town

When out on the field there arose such a clatter,
I sprang from the bed to see what was the matter.

Away to the press box I flew like a flash,
Tore open the gate, past Hali smoking hash.

The moon shining down on the fresh-painted grass
Made me think of a tight little cheerleader's ass.

When, what to my wondering eyes should appear,
A big red bus, the Kansas City Chiefs were here!

With an old coach, so fat, with a great big gut!
Yes, it was Romeo, who jiggled his Patriot Way butt.

More rapid than Jamaal Charles his players they came
And he whistled, and shouted, and called them by name;

"Now, Albert! now, Breaston! now, Cassel and Powe!
On, Charles! on Flowers! on, Dorsey and Poe!

To the edge of the sideline! Protect my damn ball!
Now dash away! dash away! dash away all!"

So back to the locker room, at the sound of the horn!
The players ran off, herded by Zorn.

And then, in the hallway, I heard footsteps come.
It was Romeo and the Chiefs, even before the sun!

As I logged off the Planet, and was turning around,
Down the aisle Romeo came with a thunderous bound.

He was dressed all in red, yes, he looked good.
And said, "Eric Berry's back and laying the wood."

A bundle of blitzes he had tucked under his arm,
He promised, to the Falcons, they would do great harm.

Said Romeo: Matt Ryan scored two points in his last awful game.
They won't win at Arrowhead, or it will be my shame.

Have you seen their left tackle, he sucks really hard!
Also, I love things deep fried in delicious lard.

Anyway, we don't have Hali, but Justin Houston is a beast!
We'll rush him, drop eight, and hold them to field goals, at least.

Meanwhile, our new offensive line is really on the ball!
Cassel will have time to throw, three-yard passes for all!

Don't worry about Flowers, his foot will be fine.
Besides, all you guys ever do is whine, whine, whine.

Romeo then closed his playbook, got back on the bus
He added, "by the way, Poe will crush all enemies to dust."

"Also, it's the opener, so our fans will be loud!
"I'm anticipating a thunderous roar from our red swaddled crowd!

He sprang to his seat, to his team gave a shout,
And away they all drove, ready for the bout.

But I heard Romeo exclaim, as he guzzled cream cheese and jelly,

"I'M SO ****ING FAT, MATT RYAN GET IN MY BELLY!