Your best Story

[Nzoner]

One of mine is in the CP Hall Of Classics called So This Officer Takes My Drink and Flask Today.

The first of the story is really not all that great,it's what happened after I posted my mini-rant on a public message board that made it a classic oh shit story.

[Iowanian]

I work in a pretty entertaining office for a lot of reasons, and one of the benefits is you just never know what is going to happen.

This winter on the first brutally cold day, a phone rings. On the other end is a local land lord/friend who has just found something in one of his houses that causes him pause. I will say that if a long time landlord tells you to come and see something, you just go.
I know a guy who found 3 200lb pigs in an upstairs bedroom of a pretty decent house once.....so we knew this was worthy. 4 coworkers load up and drive to the location.

Upon entering, we quickly learn that this is one of those the guy lives here, is now in jail and off the map without notice situations. On the floor of the main room is an obvious "jack shack" matress with piles of spank bank videos and magazines in addition to the gallon size jug of lube and barrel of terrible towels.......but this isn't why we are called. People are filthy animals and that wasn't a-typical in landlord worlds.

Then we are introduced to the head scratcher. Keep in mind this house is abandoned unexpectedly, all items are there, but the heat wasn't turned on.

Further into the room we see 4 aquariums/cages. Inside one is a dead parrot/bird of some kind. Another contains a dead python of some kind, the third contains what appears to be a dead tarantula, and the 4th....empty.

We're trying to figure out what was missing from the 4th cage when someone touches the spider the size of a mans hand and it moves a leg. It's alive.

The spider box ends up in our office with a warming light and some water drizzled on it after a quick google search for "how to save a giant spider" or something. It comes to life angry like Popeye with a can of spinach. Someone driving near a pet shop asks a clerk what to feed it, so he brings home a few crickets and information.....they'll eat live mice.

As we stand around discussing the need to see a spider kill a mouse we see it, a mouse is in front of the glass on the front door. It is fate, an offering from the Gods. It is in the parking lot jumping through the same 2 wheel wells of a truck, lands on the sticky trap placed there, but it's too cold. That night, someone makes a trap with a bucket, string, beer can and some cheese and catches a country mouse.

Anxiety is great as we wait all day for everyone to return from their tasks for the battle. With great anticipation, I drop the barn mouse into the cage. It begins to explore, enters the tunnel of the spiders home and they both react, jumping away the mouse climbs atop a roost. With much prodding and forced interactions, there is only a brief, minor skirmish with no victor. The next day is friday and I fully expected to find a thanksgiving fat spider, but nothing has happened. Nothing happens all day. Boring.

Monday morning we roll in, only to find that over the weekend, there has been a savage murder in the cage and a creature is stuffing it's belly with fresh meat. I know what you're thinking...but you're wrong. The country mouse is a gangster like the fat kid in the videos from Baghdad during the war...Ralph S Mouse killed a tarantula twice it's size and was eating it's fill, looking satisfied and defiant. He strutted over to the former lair where the wood chips are freshly fluffed and laid in for a nap.

After 2 days of gorging himself on a spider, the gangster mouse was found dead.

The moral of the story is, if you're going to feed a spider a mouse, make it a sissy white city mouse.

The end.

[Iowanian]

There is just no way this thread is burned itself out.

Entertain me. Make me laugh. Make someone cry.

[Baby Lee]

Originally Posted by Iowanian

There is just no way this thread is burned itself out.

Entertain me. Make me laugh. Make someone cry.

Mommy government loves us and will take care of us so long as she's in charge.

[DaneMcCloud]

Too many "Foot in mouth" stories to count.

I just realized that I had a music industry legend in my studio, today.

The man has worked with the Stones, Queen, Eurythmics, David Bowie, Paul McCartney along with far too many artists of today to count, and here I am talking about my contributions to the world of music.

[ROYC75]

Come on people, many of you have not given us your best story in life.

[JD10367]

Mine are driving-related near disasters.

1.) Driving back from Florida in the late 80s in a Ford Taurus with two other guys. Didn't realize there had been a giant snowstorm from Georgia to Virginia (this was in the days before the Internet). Got into Georgia on I-95 (which is a two lane road), flying up the fast lane, we pass a sign that says "Bridge Ices Before Road". Next thing you know, we're on the bridge and the car immediately turns sideways and starts sliding down the bridge perpendicular with us pointing at the second lane. At the end of the bridge is an accident in the fast lane with people stupidly standing at the back end of the cars. In front of me is a car to the left (moving to the left) and a car to the right (moving to the left). The people at the end of the bridge look up, do Buckwheat eyes, and jump for safety; I hit the gas, fishtail into the empty space between the two cars, and straighten out just in time to clear the accident. My friend in the car laughs hysterically for 10 minutes, finally gasping out, "That's the closest I've ever come to death."

2.) Fast-forward a year or two, driving up I-95 from Boston to Lowell MA to college in the snow (a daily one-hour commute each way). The highway is clear but, unbeknownst to me, up the road in the fast lane is one of those spots where everywhere decided to move over at the same point in their travels so the fast lane turns back into snow. I hit it, immediately spin in a circle, and am then sliding backwards in the second lane. Directly out my window, moving in the proper direction, is a guy in a van; I remember the two round headlights and the guy staring over his steering wheel in shock. I thought, "This is very bad," and hit the brake and cut the wheel, spinning across the third lane to stall out in the slow lane in the proper direction, where it promptly turned into a Steven King movie as a semi was barrelling towards my back end, blaring his truck horn while I tried to start my car. I got the car started and floored it into the breakdown lane just as he roared by. I was so pumped that I drove the rest of the way to school shouting, "Yeah!" in the car and banging the steering wheel. I got to school, walked right to the registrar's office, and withdrew. The following autumn I enrolled in a college in downtown Boston.

[Rain Man]

This is not my best story, but it's my best story from today. I can't find the peoplewatching thread, so I'll post it here.

I was walking to work today and saw two people sitting on a small wall talking to each other. The one facing away from me was in a very short mini-skirt.

All was looking good until I got within about 30 feet, and then my spidey sense started tingling. Oh, no no no.

Yep. That's a man, baby. He glances up as I pass, and he's clearly a man in a mini-skirt and a bad wig. He's talking to this other guy and as I leave I hear him say in a baritone voice, "It's cold today. I'm sure glad I wore panties. Heh-heh. Heh-heh-heh."

That wasn't how I hoped to start my day.

[Buehler445]

[In58men]

You don't know any stories? Okay, I'll tell you a story. This is a newspaper. It's 90 percent bullshit, but it's entertaining. That's why I read it, because it entertains me. You won't let me read it, so you entertain me with your bullshit. Tell me a story, right now.

[Iowanian]

This story isn't mine, but it is arguably one of the better stories in CP history....It's Inmen quality to it's core. Bonus point to the person who can identify the original author.

Originally Posted by MrBlond

Here goes:

My friend and I went to Chiefs training camp in River Falls as guests of the Chiefs like we always do. The Chiefs put us up in the college Dorms. We stayed in the same dorms the players and coaches did. The players are in one building, the coaches are in another and the guests, VIPs, NFL refs, etc. are in another building. We stayed in the VIP building with the NFL refs. That is actually a womens dorm building. In the summer, there are no women in the building except for female RA. Last year, we were told to use the womens restroom and shower room that was directly accross from our dorm room because there were no women in the building. This year, we got into town really late and checked in quickly. The RA gave us our keys and didn't go over any info or rules because we said we knew all of the rules because we've stayed there before. The next morning I got up to take a shower. I checked my buddy's dorm room and he was gone. He was already in the shower. I went into the shower room and stripped down. The shower room has 4 shower stalls (with curtains that are too short to close all of the way) and 2 bench stalls where you can stand or sit to dry off. I placed my clothes on the bench (neatly folded). I looked under the bench and there were some shower shoes. They were fuzzy wool. You know, the type of stuff you'd put on your Camaro seat. They looked kind of like bunny shower shoes, but they didn't have any ears. I thought, "that's wierd, my buddy doesn't wear bunny shower shoes, does he?". I bent over and looked under the stall walls. I could see 2 sets of legs in diffferent shower stalls. I assumed my buddy was in one and another dude was in another. There are other people in the dorms also, so it's not uncommon for other dudes to be there. I didn't think anything of it, passed the two occupied shower stalls and took my naked a$$ into the back shower stall. I was only in the shower for a couple of minutes. I heard my buddy get out and start drying off. I then heard someone else get out. I heard my buddy talking to the other person, but I couldn't hear what they were saying because the water was loud and the shower room echoed. I heard my friend leave quickly and then the other person left in a couple of minutes. My friend came back into the shower room and said " hey "Freakshow" (not my real name) get out of the shower RIGHT NOW!!" Obviously, something wasn't right. I said ok and I did. I went to his dorm room and he told me what had occured. He said that there was someone already in the shower when he went in and he assumed it was a guy. When he got out of the shower and was drying off, Danyelle opened the shower curtain and walked out, right in front of him. He had just wrapped a towel around himself. The dorm gives us these stupid little tiny shower towels. They are so small they don't wrap all of the way around. He was standing there with half of his a$$ hanging out. She came out wearting NOTHING but a T-shirt. It was one of those long T-shirts that go down to her a$$. We think that she realized that dudes were in the shower room and that is why she reached out of the shower stall to get her T-shirt that was hanging on a hook outside the shower stall and put it on while behind the curtain and in the stall. Otherwise, she would have come out, right in front of him, BUCK NAKED. She was very cool about it. She didn't scream or yell or get upset or anything. She simply said "this is a girls shower room". My buddy apologised a thousand times. She said "don't worry, no big deal". He then, took his nearly naked a$$ out. I was still in the shower at this time. I guess those were her fuzzy bunny shoes. My friend is a Youth Pastor and wouldn't tell me what he saw or didn't see. She had a T-shirt on but he said it didn't go all of the way down, especially when she turned around. He tried not to look. He wouldn't be any more specific then that. I do know that I walked right passed her shower stall when she was showering. She may have seen me buck naked. I don't really know. I don't really care. I didn't look into her stall (the shower curtains are only cover the shower stall opening by about 2/3. You can see right into any shower stall. I guess I could have looked but I assumed it was a dude and, of course, I don't look into a guy's shower stall. I don't know if I wish I'd looked or not. I would have seen all I wanted, but I'd probably have a law suit filed against me. She was really cool about the whole thing. Her dorm room was right next to ours. I talked to her out in the hallway right after the event and she said it was no big deal and she wasn't embarrased. We ran into her about a thousand times over the next 3 days. It was very awkward when we did. My friend and another dude that was still sleeping when all of this happened had gone to Bo's and Mine the night before and took note of a good looking black girl that was there. After this occured, they realized that she was the girl that they had seen the night before at Bos and Mine. We didn't know who she was until we got home and watched Metro Sports. We about had a heart attack when we saw her on TV. That's the story and it's all true. 100%.

[Frosty]

Originally Posted by Iowanian

This story isn't mine, but it is arguably one of the better stories in CP history....It's Inmen quality to it's core. Bonus point to the person who can identify the original author.

TonyGonzalez (later PhonyGonzalez), wasn't it?

[In58men]

Originally Posted by Iowanian

This story isn't mine, but it is arguably one of the better stories in CP history....It's Inmen quality to it's core. Bonus point to the person who can identify the original author.

Since when have a lied?

[SAUTO]

It wasn't mr. Blond was it?

[SAUTO]

It was phobia