Funny Stuff Clean jokes can be funny too! - Page 47

Frankie · 05:17 PM

Or at least good for a chuckle. Here's something completely different (for this BB). This thread is dedicated to ONLY CLEAN JOKES. Please post any clean joke that you find funny or at least amusing. We will not call you "dorks." Not in this thread. Let's see what you've got,... and share them.

Don't worry about repeat jokes. Nobody has time to check all posts.

**gblowfish** · 07-01-2011, 12:46 PM

GEOGRAPHY OF A WOMAN

Between 18 and 22, a woman is like Africa: half discovered, half wild, fertile and naturally beautiful.

Between 23 and 30, a woman is like Europe: well developed and open to trade, especially for someone of real value.

Between 31 and 35, a woman is like Spain: very hot, relaxed, and convinced of her own beauty.

Between 36 and 40, a woman is like Greece: gently aging but still a warm and desirable place to visit..

Between 41 and 50, a woman is like Great Britain: with a glorious and all conquering past.

Between 51 and 60, a woman is like Israel: has been through war, doesn't make the same mistakes twice, and takes care of business.

Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Canada: self-preserving, but open to meeting new people.

After 70, she becomes Tibet: wildly beautiful, with a mysterious past and the wisdom of the ages, an adventurous spirit and a thirst for spiritual knowledge.

GEOGRAPHY OF A MAN

Between 1 and 90, a man is like Iran , ruled by nuts.

THE END.

frankotank · 07-01-2011, 01:06 PM

A guy is walking down the street and as he approaches a fence her hears people chanting…….”13, 13, 13, 13”. Curious, he wants to know what’s up, but the fence is too high to see over. A sign on the fence discloses that there’s an insane asylum on the other side and that only piques his curiosity further. As he’s walking down the fence line listening to the chanting he spots a hole in the fence. So he bends over to take a peek at what’s going on over there when all of a sudden……BOINK! Somebody pokes him in the eye with a stick.

“14, 14, 14, 14”

frankotank · 07-01-2011, 01:28 PM

this one is basically clean.....I mean it's not exactly dirty....

Cooter and Jethro are out fishing one day. 1 hour goes by, 2 hours go by. Not one nibble.
Cooter - Dang it Jethro this sucks I’m bored
Jethro – I know it me too. Hey I got an ide-err, let’s play You Name It.
Cooter- OK Jethro, how you play that?
Jethro – Well it’s where I write sumthin down on a piece of paper and put it in my pocket and you get 10 questions ta ast me ta try to figure out what it is.
Cooter – OK let’s play that then.
So Jethro writes “mule dick” on a piece of paper and puts it in his pocket.
Jethro- OK Cooter, start asting.
Cooter – Hmmm…….let’s see…..is it something you can eat?
Jethro scratches his head and thinks on it a little and then says – Well I guess you could…..if you really had to….
Cooter – IS IT MULE DICK??!!

Dayze · 07-01-2011, 02:39 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by frankotank

A guy is walking down the street and as he approaches a fence her hears people chanting…….”13, 13, 13, 13”. Curious, he wants to know what’s up, but the fence is too high to see over. A sign on the fence discloses that there’s an insane asylum on the other side and that only piques his curiosity further. As he’s walking down the fence line listening to the chanting he spots a hole in the fence. So he bends over to take a peek at what’s going on over there when all of a sudden……BOINK! Somebody pokes him in the eye with a stick.

“14, 14, 14, 14”

that's awesome.

**Dave Lane** · 07-01-2011, 05:41 PM

Cuz he saw a priest?

Quote:

Originally Posted by Stryker

Three elderly men were having a conversation at the local nursing home regarding their problems. The 70 year old man said “Every morning at 6:00 a.m I have to get up and pee and can’t fall back to sleep until around 7:30 when I return from the bathroom.” The 80 year old man claimed “That’s nothing! Each morning around 7 o’clock I have the urge to take a bowl movement but because I am so old, it takes over an hour to finish and by then I can never get back to sleep.” The 90 year old man laughed at the other two. “Ha, every morning at 5:00 I pee like a race horse and around 6:00 I crap like a goose. The problem is I don’t get up until 9:30.”

Quote:

Originally Posted by 4th and Long

A priest is walking down the street one day when he notices a very small boy trying to press a doorbell on a house across the street. However, the boy is very small and the doorbell is too high for him to reach.

After watching the boy's efforts for some time, the priest moves closer to the boy's position. He steps smartly across the street, walks up behind the little fellow and, placing his hand kindly on the child's shoulder leans over and gives the doorbell a sold ring.

Crouching down to the child's level, the priest smiles benevolently and asks, "And now what, my little man?"

To which the boy replies, "Now we run!"

Just Passin' By · 07-01-2011, 06:32 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by gblowfish

GEOGRAPHY OF A WOMAN

Between 18 and 22, a woman is like Africa: half discovered, half wild, fertile and naturally beautiful.

Between 23 and 30, a woman is like Europe: well developed and open to trade, especially for someone of real value.

Between 31 and 35, a woman is like Spain: very hot, relaxed, and convinced of her own beauty.

Between 36 and 40, a woman is like Greece: gently aging but still a warm and desirable place to visit..

Between 41 and 50, a woman is like Great Britain: with a glorious and all conquering past.

Between 51 and 60, a woman is like Israel: has been through war, doesn't make the same mistakes twice, and takes care of business.

Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Canada: self-preserving, but open to meeting new people.

After 70, she becomes Tibet: wildly beautiful, with a mysterious past and the wisdom of the ages, an adventurous spirit and a thirst for spiritual knowledge.

GEOGRAPHY OF A MAN

Between 1 and 90, a man is like Iran , ruled by nuts.

THE END.

I've heard this one a bit differently, with the ladies portion ending with

From 60 on, women are like Australia. Everyone knows it's down there, but nobody really cares.

Frankie · 07-03-2011, 04:03 PM

mikey23545 · 07-03-2011, 04:53 PM

An 85-year-old man was told by the Doctor that he needed a sperm count as part of his physical exam.

The doctor gave the man a jar and said, 'Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow.'

The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.

The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, 'Well, doc, it's like this -- first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing.

'Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in,then with her teeth out, still nothing.

'We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing.'

The doctor was shocked! 'You asked your neighbor?'

The old man replied, 'Yep, none of us could get the jar open.'

KurtCobain · 07-03-2011, 06:00 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by mikey23545

An 85-year-old man was told by the Doctor that he needed a sperm count as part of his physical exam.

The doctor gave the man a jar and said, 'Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow.'

The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.

The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, 'Well, doc, it's like this -- first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing.

'Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in,then with her teeth out, still nothing.

'We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing.'

The doctor was shocked! 'You asked your neighbor?'

The old man replied, 'Yep, none of us could get the jar open.'

You just won this thread.

Frankie · 07-03-2011, 10:31 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by mikey23545

An 85-year-old man was told by the Doctor that he needed a sperm count as part of his physical exam.

The doctor gave the man a jar and said, 'Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow.'

The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.

The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, 'Well, doc, it's like this -- first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing.

'Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in,then with her teeth out, still nothing.

'We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing.'

The doctor was shocked! 'You asked your neighbor?'

The old man replied, 'Yep, none of us could get the jar open.'

I guess the punchline makes this a clean joke. Does it?... I guess!!... Wait, I'm confused.

**gblowfish** · 07-09-2011, 07:54 AM

Guy goes in an adult store and asks for an inflatable doll.

Guy behind the counter says , 'Male or female?'

Customer says , 'Female.'

Counter guy asks , 'Black or white?

Customer says , 'White.'

Counter guy asks , 'Christian or Muslim?'

Customer says , 'What the hell does religion have to do with it?'

Counter guy says , 'The Muslim one blows itself up.'

CaliforniaChief · 07-09-2011, 08:38 AM

Not sure if this was posted earlier, I was too lazy to read them all:

A man had significant relational issues with his mother-in-law. The issues had gotten so bad that his wife convinced him to see a therapist. The therapist suggested that in order to improve the relationship, they should all take a vacation together to a place where the mother-in-law would enjoy going.

To everyone's surprise, the man announced the next day that the whole family, including mother-in-law, would be taking a 2 week vacation to the Holy Land. A couple weeks later, they jumped on a plane and landed in Jerusalem.

Shockingly, the next day when the man knocked on his mother-in-law's hotel room there was no answer. After several attempts, the hotel let him in and they found the woman dead. Per regulations, the body was immediately brought to the Jerusalem morgue while the family figured out what to do.

The coroner met with the family, and told them that they had two options:
1. They could allow the coroner to handle arrangements which would include a proper Jewish burial, for only $500.
2. They could fly the body back to the USA where the family would make arrangements at a cost of $10,000.

After sleeping on the decision, the man returned to the morgue and notified the coroner that he decided to have the body flown back to the States. Puzzled, the coroner pressed the man for a reason. "Sir, I don't understand." "It's only $500 for a burial here in the Holy Land. Why would you want to pay so much money to fly the body back to America where you're going to have to then pay MORE money to have her ashes disposed of?"

The man immediately replied: "I understand the cost difference. But I heard that one time you buried someone here and three days later he rose from the dead and frankly...I just can't take that chance."

Frankie · 07-10-2011, 05:12 PM

OK I stole this from a poster (Chief Muser) in another Chiefs forum:

The coach had put together the perfect team for the Oakland Raiders. The only thing that was missing was a good quarterback. He had scouted all the colleges and even the Canadian and European Leagues, but he couldn't find a ringer who could ensure a Super Bowl win.

Then one night while watching CNN he saw a war-zone scene in Afghanistan . In one corner of the background, he spotted a young Afghan Muslim soldier with a truly incredible arm. He threw a hand-grenade straight into a 15th story window 100 yards away.

KABOOM!

He threw another hand-grenade 75 yards away, right into a chimney.

KA-BLOOEY!

Then he threw another at a passing car going 90 mph.

BULLS-EYE!

"I've got to get this guy!" Coach said to himself. "He has the perfect arm!"

So, he brings him to the States and teaches him the great game of football. And the Raiders go on to win the Super Bowl.

The young Afghan is hailed as the great hero of football, and when the coach asks him what he wants, all the young man wants is to call his mother.

"Mom," he says into the phone, "I just won the Super Bowl!"

"I don't want to talk to you, the old Muslim woman says."You are not my son!"

"I don't think you understand, Mother," the young man pleads. "I've won the greatest sporting event in the world. I'm here among thousands of my adoring fans."

"No! Let me tell you!" his mother retorts. "At this very moment, there are gunshots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your two brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week, and I have to keep your sister in the house so she doesn't get raped!" The old lady pauses, and then tearfully says,

"I will never forgive you for making us move to Oakland !!"

Frankie · 07-10-2011, 05:14 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by gblowfish

Guy goes in an adult store and asks for an inflatable doll.

Guy behind the counter says , 'Male or female?'

Customer says , 'Female.'

Counter guy asks , 'Black or white?

Customer says , 'White.'

Counter guy asks , 'Christian or Muslim?'

Customer says , 'What the hell does religion have to do with it?'

Counter guy says , 'The Muslim one blows itself up.'

Aha!

Frankie · 07-10-2011, 05:15 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by CaliforniaChief

Not sure if this was posted earlier, I was too lazy to read them all:

This has been covered in the topic. Repeat jokes are better than no jokes.

09-25-2005, 09:00 AM
Frankie Banned Join Date: Jul 2001 Casino cash: $10004900	Clean jokes can be funny too! Or at least good for a chuckle. Here's something completely different (for this BB). This thread is dedicated to ONLY CLEAN JOKES. Please post any clean joke that you find funny or at least amusing. We will not call you "dorks." Not in this thread. Let's see what you've got,... and share them. Don't worry about repeat jokes. Nobody has time to check all posts. Last edited by Frankie; 07-10-2011 at 05:17 PM..
Posts: 26,959

07-01-2011, 12:46 PM	#691
gblowfish Be Kind To Your Pets Join Date: Jun 2002 Location: Glorious Independence, MO Casino cash: $17686178 VARSITY	GEOGRAPHY OF A WOMAN Between 18 and 22, a woman is like Africa: half discovered, half wild, fertile and naturally beautiful. Between 23 and 30, a woman is like Europe: well developed and open to trade, especially for someone of real value. Between 31 and 35, a woman is like Spain: very hot, relaxed, and convinced of her own beauty. Between 36 and 40, a woman is like Greece: gently aging but still a warm and desirable place to visit.. Between 41 and 50, a woman is like Great Britain: with a glorious and all conquering past. Between 51 and 60, a woman is like Israel: has been through war, doesn't make the same mistakes twice, and takes care of business. Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Canada: self-preserving, but open to meeting new people. After 70, she becomes Tibet: wildly beautiful, with a mysterious past and the wisdom of the ages, an adventurous spirit and a thirst for spiritual knowledge. GEOGRAPHY OF A MAN Between 1 and 90, a man is like Iran , ruled by nuts. THE END.
Posts: 40,832

07-01-2011, 01:06 PM	#692
frankotank I like 'em mustard & biscuits Join Date: Nov 2010 Location: The Hill Casino cash: $10011076	A guy is walking down the street and as he approaches a fence her hears people chanting…….”13, 13, 13, 13”. Curious, he wants to know what’s up, but the fence is too high to see over. A sign on the fence discloses that there’s an insane asylum on the other side and that only piques his curiosity further. As he’s walking down the fence line listening to the chanting he spots a hole in the fence. So he bends over to take a peek at what’s going on over there when all of a sudden……BOINK! Somebody pokes him in the eye with a stick. “14, 14, 14, 14” __________________ A naked American man stole my balloons.
Posts: 6,787

07-01-2011, 01:28 PM	#693
frankotank I like 'em mustard & biscuits Join Date: Nov 2010 Location: The Hill Casino cash: $10011076	this one is basically clean.....I mean it's not exactly dirty.... Cooter and Jethro are out fishing one day. 1 hour goes by, 2 hours go by. Not one nibble. Cooter - Dang it Jethro this sucks I’m bored Jethro – I know it me too. Hey I got an ide-err, let’s play You Name It. Cooter- OK Jethro, how you play that? Jethro – Well it’s where I write sumthin down on a piece of paper and put it in my pocket and you get 10 questions ta ast me ta try to figure out what it is. Cooter – OK let’s play that then. So Jethro writes “mule dick” on a piece of paper and puts it in his pocket. Jethro- OK Cooter, start asting. Cooter – Hmmm…….let’s see…..is it something you can eat? Jethro scratches his head and thinks on it a little and then says – Well I guess you could…..if you really had to…. Cooter – IS IT MULE DICK??!! __________________ A naked American man stole my balloons.
Posts: 6,787

07-03-2011, 04:03 PM	#697
Frankie Banned Join Date: Jul 2001 Casino cash: $10004900	. Attached Thumbnails
Posts: 26,959

07-03-2011, 04:53 PM	#698
mikey23545 MVP Join Date: Aug 2000 Casino cash: $10015321	An 85-year-old man was told by the Doctor that he needed a sperm count as part of his physical exam. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, 'Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow.' The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, 'Well, doc, it's like this -- first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. 'Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in,then with her teeth out, still nothing. 'We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing.' The doctor was shocked! 'You asked your neighbor?' The old man replied, 'Yep, none of us could get the jar open.'
Posts: 12,314

07-09-2011, 07:54 AM	#701
gblowfish Be Kind To Your Pets Join Date: Jun 2002 Location: Glorious Independence, MO Casino cash: $17686178 VARSITY	Guy goes in an adult store and asks for an inflatable doll. Guy behind the counter says , 'Male or female?' Customer says , 'Female.' Counter guy asks , 'Black or white? Customer says , 'White.' Counter guy asks , 'Christian or Muslim?' Customer says , 'What the hell does religion have to do with it?' Counter guy says , 'The Muslim one blows itself up.'
Posts: 40,832

07-09-2011, 08:38 AM	#702
CaliforniaChief #RIPAce Join Date: Jan 2009 Location: So Cal Casino cash: $12422899	Not sure if this was posted earlier, I was too lazy to read them all: A man had significant relational issues with his mother-in-law. The issues had gotten so bad that his wife convinced him to see a therapist. The therapist suggested that in order to improve the relationship, they should all take a vacation together to a place where the mother-in-law would enjoy going. To everyone's surprise, the man announced the next day that the whole family, including mother-in-law, would be taking a 2 week vacation to the Holy Land. A couple weeks later, they jumped on a plane and landed in Jerusalem. Shockingly, the next day when the man knocked on his mother-in-law's hotel room there was no answer. After several attempts, the hotel let him in and they found the woman dead. Per regulations, the body was immediately brought to the Jerusalem morgue while the family figured out what to do. The coroner met with the family, and told them that they had two options: 1. They could allow the coroner to handle arrangements which would include a proper Jewish burial, for only $500. 2. They could fly the body back to the USA where the family would make arrangements at a cost of $10,000. After sleeping on the decision, the man returned to the morgue and notified the coroner that he decided to have the body flown back to the States. Puzzled, the coroner pressed the man for a reason. "Sir, I don't understand." "It's only $500 for a burial here in the Holy Land. Why would you want to pay so much money to fly the body back to America where you're going to have to then pay MORE money to have her ashes disposed of?" The man immediately replied: "I understand the cost difference. But I heard that one time you buried someone here and three days later he rose from the dead and frankly...I just can't take that chance."
Posts: 17,319

07-10-2011, 05:12 PM	#703
Frankie Banned Join Date: Jul 2001 Casino cash: $10004900	OK I stole this from a poster (Chief Muser) in another Chiefs forum: The coach had put together the perfect team for the Oakland Raiders. The only thing that was missing was a good quarterback. He had scouted all the colleges and even the Canadian and European Leagues, but he couldn't find a ringer who could ensure a Super Bowl win. Then one night while watching CNN he saw a war-zone scene in Afghanistan . In one corner of the background, he spotted a young Afghan Muslim soldier with a truly incredible arm. He threw a hand-grenade straight into a 15th story window 100 yards away. KABOOM! He threw another hand-grenade 75 yards away, right into a chimney. KA-BLOOEY! Then he threw another at a passing car going 90 mph. BULLS-EYE! "I've got to get this guy!" Coach said to himself. "He has the perfect arm!" So, he brings him to the States and teaches him the great game of football. And the Raiders go on to win the Super Bowl. The young Afghan is hailed as the great hero of football, and when the coach asks him what he wants, all the young man wants is to call his mother. "Mom," he says into the phone, "I just won the Super Bowl!" "I don't want to talk to you, the old Muslim woman says."You are not my son!" "I don't think you understand, Mother," the young man pleads. "I've won the greatest sporting event in the world. I'm here among thousands of my adoring fans." "No! Let me tell you!" his mother retorts. "At this very moment, there are gunshots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your two brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week, and I have to keep your sister in the house so she doesn't get raped!" The old lady pauses, and then tearfully says, "I will never forgive you for making us move to Oakland !!"
Posts: 26,959