Your best Story

[Iowanian]

Tell us your best story. Your best day, the wildest thing you've seen, an event in your life.

I'm looking for the story that defines your life, the one you'd tell your grandkids around a campfire, the one you and your old friends re-tell half a box of beer into a night.

Tell us about the time you saw your dad kill a bear with his case knife, the day you won the lottery, the turd that was born with your child, the day your grandpa took you fishing.....good, bad, ugly. Your best story.

The only rule, it has to be true to the best of your memory. Go.

[loochy]

Originally Posted by Pestilence

I got THE dirtiest look from everyone at the Wendys from that one. I wouldn't be surprised if they spit drooled in my food. I ate my lunch with my head down while my buddy Mike just ****ing laughed at me the entire time.

FYP

[rico]

Originally Posted by Pestilence

Sort of a similar embarrassment.

My buddies and I used to go out to lunch all the time when we were in the Air Force. One day....we went to a Wendy's that was down the street from the base and my buddy and I got in line to get food. My other friend walked back and sat down at one of the tables without telling us anything. So I tell the cashier my order and I turn to my friend who is sitting at the table and this is how the conversation goes.

Me (Normal Voice): Do you want any food?

Mike: What?

Me (Slightly louder): Do you want any food?

Mike (louder): What?!

Me (almost yelling): DO YOU WANT ANY FOOD?!?!

Mike (yelling): WHAT!?!?

Me (now in a stupid reeruned voice): DO YOU WANT ANY FOOOOOOOD!?!?!

Right as I said that in my mock handicapped voice...I look to the left and I see a mentally handicapped girl and her "helper".



I got THE dirtiest look from everyone at the Wendys from that one. I wouldn't be surprised if they spit in my food. I ate my lunch with my head down while my buddy Mike just ****ing laughed at me the entire time.

I probably would have had the same reaction as Mike.

[Pasta Little Brioni]

Mullet, mullet, mullet!!!!

[Iowanian]

I want to read about Bigfoot, loser's beer, defying death with bugs.....party cove videos bonus.

Originally Posted by LiveSteam

What do ya want to hear. I have hundreds
2am Tornado, fishing on the Muddy MO.2015
Defying death with Bugs, Grand Lake of the Cherokee 1995
Last Dukes of Hazord jump,Bugs Pontiac 1986
Bigfoot,Ford Land Missouri 2006
Five head Manning Gar 2014
Party cove Video 1,2,3,4,5 & 6. 1994-2000
Knife fight 72nd & Dodge 1986
Fist fight US airborne 101st, lossing effort.1990.
Police get my Marijuana night before Elways last SB.1999
Piss in losers beer. He drinks it. 1989
Weekend with Jill Kelly & Tabatha Stevens. 1998
Tornado 1975
Bell bottomes & plad. 1974-1979
Atari..Xmas 1980
Losses Bolded Name IN Avitar. Chiefs Planet 2015

[LiveSteam]

Big foot story been told here more then once.
I had 16 ft foot trihaul break down on the Cherokee. After several hours of helplessly floating in the middle of the lake & boat after boat just driving bye. A 50 ft off shore catamaran stopped, I'll tow you to my shop where I build these boats. So I pulled up the 85hp outboard ( big mistake)& hooked a 75ft towrope up. The guys huge off shore race boat wouldnt plain under about 45 mph. So after about 5 minutes of plowing water, the guy & his girl friend put the hammer down & off we went.
My boat became a 16ft fiberglass tube,whipping side to side & over his huge wake. We went over his wake & so far to port that the towline had feet of slack in it,when the slack would tighten (SNAP) my boat would be literally skipping on one edge & ready to roll at 50mph. We went side to side like this maybe 3 or 4 times before his girl friend turned around & seen what was happening.
It ripped the seats loose from my boat. Next pass over his wake would have capsized my boat & turned it into a meat grinder. Their were 4 of us in my Lil trihaul. How no one got hurt still shocks me.

[LiveSteam]

Party cove. Friend of mine on the lake had ties to both the Bobyshop & GQs strip clubs. Soon after the event's on the Cherokee I realized I need s bigger boat.
So I bought a 24ft Liberator. Id head to the lake on the Holliday's & my friend & I would load up the boat with stripers from both joint's. It didn't take long for the producers of the Cove Vids to figure out where & which boat the none stop sex acts were going to take place on.
We had wave runners by this time to & would run the girls topples through the gauntlet.

God what I would give to be in my 20s again

[LiveSteam]

I'll let Bugs tell the beer story.

[MITCH]

Year 1986 my friend John and I went to local water hole. We were both 19 at the time. We split a few pitchers and where feeling like bad asses. Pawnee bar was the place to drink and have a great time in this small town. Two older women about 24-25 want to hook-up so of course we were game. We follow them to some apartment and waste no time getting naked in the living room. I was doing the deed with Darla on one couch and John was on other couch with the other girl and all a sudden they jump up and grab clothes and run into bathroom. I have a pretty bad hearing problem so I had no clue what the hell was going on. Being drunk and half deaf makes it even better. About this time five guys all about 25 come walking into living room. Grabbed my shit on floor and started running toward bathroom. Of course door closed and locked so I started pounding on the door. I will not lie. I was scared shitless at this point. I finally let go of door handle and turn around and look over the five guys. For about 20 seconds they just stare at me which was strange as hell. Finally the bathroom door opens and John and the two girls come out with clothes on. I start getting dressed figuring ass kicking was finally coming. Finally they explain it's one of the girls brothers and we were using his apartment. I am pretty much thanking god at this point. They later told me they were laughing their asses off getting dressed while I fumbled with the door handle. They heard them way before they even opened the front door. Good Times!

[bobbymitch]

Originally Posted by Baby Lee

H.Roe Bartle IS in Osceola.

Trivia, I was inducted into Mic-O-Say with Little Least Lone Star. Those who've gone will know the import of that tribal name.

My son's great grandfather was Chief Standing Rock (second tribal Chief). During my son's induction, it was known to the tribal elders of the relationship, yet not word was spoken.

[bobbymitch]

The sage of the '55 Chevy rustbucket

When I lived in Shawnee, the next door Taylor brothers and I were good friends. The elder Taylor, George, and I were the same age, but he was a year behind in school since he failed a grade. For his first car, his dad bought him a primer-grey '55 4-door Chevy. And boy did we drive all over the county.

Back then, I-35 ended at SW Blvd and as such, it was the unofficial drag strip going southbound. Since we never knew who was racing when, we would drive that stretch of road a lot. Being kids and easily bored, we needed a distraction. And that came in the form of legal explosives - read Cherry Bombs, Bulldogs, and M-80's. These devices were readily available at Dogpatch on the Bagnell Dam strip. One extremely slow night, we decided to have a little fun and drop them through one of the several rusted out opening on the floorboard. The trick was to time the lighting and dropping of them so that a following car would be right over it when it went off. Good for laughs. At least until, George's Little brother Larry, missed one of the holes. Needless to say, there isn't a lot of room any car to get away from the inevitable blast, but we tried. And we failed. After the explosion, the floating dust was so bad, one couldn't even see out of any window. George got us over to the shoulder so we could breath again and put out a couple of minor fires to the remnants of the original carpeting and a back seat cushion. Yelling at Larry was no good because, he couldn't hear much as the ringing in the ears was to great and we weren't sure if we were actually saying out loud, since we could hear either. We did have a good laugh at each other because 1) we survived and 2) we all looked we all just left a coal mine. We realized that our latest activity wasn't such a good idea and from then on, kept the firework performances in our backyard pond.

However, we decided that since fireworks from cars wasn't good, maybe water balloons would be a lot safer. We did recognize the hazard of hitting a car on the Interstate wasn't good, so we stuck to the slower pace of local roads. Merriam Drive in this case. It was good fun seeing who good nail a windshield versus a fender or, the horrors, miss altogether. Fun it was until, one of us nailed an extremely old pickup truck and it's fender. Fun quickly faded when the fender fell off from being hit and the driver drove over it, no doubt incurring other damage.

Our recklessness faded when we learned about the Drive-in circuit. We would start at Allen's on Johnson Drive, stop by Winstead's on the Plaza, and an third somewhere in between whose name has been lost to time. In time during the circuit, we could notice who was dating whom, who had a new car, hang out a bit and see who perhaps we could pick up. This routine was a Saturday night ritual for a year or so until George decided to show off. Leaving Allen's, he dropped in 1st and instead of getting the automatic handle in Drive, he found Reverse. We wound up with parts from a variety of sources all over Johnson Drive. RIP '55 Chevy Rustbucket.

Considering the number of similar incidents that I managed to live through, no wonder I became a safety professional later in life.

[rico]

The Phantom of the Awkward Part 7: Trying to Maintain My Composure When this Guy Farted Mid-Conversation

http://ricoswaff.com/blog1/?p=2678

Everybody farts…I guess. I don’t necessarily like it. If I had the choice to not fart, I would select that choice.



As ridiculous as it sounds, I have a difficult time accepting the fact that women fart. I have a really difficult time coming to terms with the fact that my wife farts. I don’t know why…maybe it’s just a matter of not wanting to associate my significant other, who I am very attracted to, with something so notorious for having a rancid odor.



Farts spark many awkward situations. For example, have you ever been around a bunch of people and had to fart so you walked away to be by yourself where you could act like you were doing something on your own, but in reality you just walked away to fart and you didn’t want anyone to smell it… Then after you fart, someone decides to walk up to talk to you, while your fart is wafting in the air in a 5 foot or so radius surrounding you…which leaves the person who approached you either thinking you are a smelly person, you pooped your pants or you farted??? This has happened to me a few times. I am such a stickler when it comes to fart denial, that I actually have the audacity to ask the other person if they farted…knowing damn well that it was me who did it and knowing damn well that they know it was me who did it. Heck, I could be in an elevator with one other person and have a fart slip, and if it smells, I will act like I am repulsed by the other person in the elevator with me because they farted… I never, ever, EVER claim my own farts. Farting embarrasses me.



To this day, I still remember from school, roughly 75% of the girls who farted in class to the point where I could hear it. Heck, I remember a girl farting in class when I was in Kindergarten and thinking to myself, “ewww that’s gross.” And I am 32 years old now. For some reason, those memories always stuck with me.



I think I’ve written enough to prove that I have a ridiculous, neurotic way of approaching and reacting to farts. I wish I could shake it, but can’t.



Have you ever been in a conversation with someone (one person) and had to fart? And the conversation becomes an overly lengthy one to the point where you can no longer hold the fart in any longer, so you decide to let the fart go, crossing your fingers that: 1.) It is silent and 2.) It doesn’t smell, for if it does smell, it would give you no choice other than to wrongfully accuse the other person of farting? I’ve had a few of these situations. I’ve been in both roles…I’ve been the farter and I’ve been the one speaking to someone who farted. Always awkward…and I always end up asking the other person, “hey, did you by chance…fart?”



This story is about a situation I had with someone who farted while in mid-conversation with me. And to say the least, this was one of the most bizarre farts ever farted.



So one day, I went to Wal-Mart to pick up a few odds and ends we needed around the house. I wasn’t in a talkative mood at the time. I wasn’t in a hurry or anything, but I went there with the mindset of, “I hope I don’t see anyone that I know, for I just want to go in, pick up what I need, leave and get home ASAP so I can watch ‘The Wonder Years’ on Netflix.” It was all business. Pick up my shit, nod and say “hey” to anyone I know and get out. I’m sure all of you know the type of mood I am talking about.



So I’m in Wal-Mart and I went about my business uninterrupted for the first 10 or so minutes.I browsed the CD/DVD section. I picked up my Right Guard, paper towels, trash bags, Oreos, etc. I was almost finished. Then, while walking through the condiments aisle, I noticed a dude I used to kind of know a decade or so ago. This guy was a middle-aged man with chubby red cheeks, a large gut, a goofy perma-smile and a hairline with hair color that didn’t match the age of his face…It was difficult to determine if he was 45 or 65 years old for he had the face and body of a man of 60-65, yet a hairline and lack of grey hair of a man who is…30. He also has a slight Southern accent. He is literally one of the last guys I want to run into when I am not in a “chatty,” social mood, for when he starts to talk to you, you can’t get away from him.



Now, what made this guy intolerable when I used to see him often was the fact that he always tried to get me to join this Jehovah’s Witness church which he was an avid member of. So when I noticed him in the condiments aisle that day, I thought, “shit,the last damn thing I want to do right now is have a long freaking conversation with some odd guy I haven’t seen in 10 years about how my only glimmer of hope for salvation is if I make a commitment to the Jehovah’s Witness religion.” This guy was always barking up the wrong tree with me with that stuff and no matter how many different times or different ways I informed him that I had absolutely no interest in joining his religion, he always tried. And it was always an extensive, unavoidable conversation that was difficult, if not seemingly impossible to escape from. I always had to make up some crazy ass lie to get away from him. I’d blurt out the first crazy fib that came to my mind. Like, “oh dude, sorry to leave during your Jehovah’s Witness pitch, but I just received a text that there was a heard of baboons that escaped from the zoo and they are attacking our hogs with sticks! I gotta go!” That is an absurd excuse to begin with. Not only do I not own any hogs, but the nearest zoo with baboons is like 100 miles away…so it is unlikely that these baboons would have traveled all that way to beat my hogs with sticks had they escaped. Whatever, I didn’t give a shit how absurd it was…I’d say anything to jet out of those dreaded conversations with him.



Now, we will just pretend this guy’s name is “Dingledorf.” When I got near Mr. Dingledorf with my shopping cart, I kind of glanced at him, studying him, hoping that he wouldn’t recognize me and I could just walk on by and pick up the remaining couple-few items I still needed to pick up. Of course he noticed me right when he looked my way and in his Southern-ish accent was like, “well hi Josh, nice to see ya!” “Yeah, you too, Dingledorf,” I replied. I slowly crept my shopping cart by with hopes that maybe, just maybe our conversation would end there. “So, what are you up to in your life these days? How is life-a treatin’ ya?” he inquired. “Oh great, here comes the Jehovah’s Witness recruiting pitch. Ok, just try to make yourself come off as small as a target as possible,” I thought to myself. “Umm, I am real good. I am real content with life and I feel that every component and any potential void in life has been fulfilled. I am just incredibly happy,” I said. That was a total lie, but for Pete’s sake, I could see him slithering into a “pitch” from the second sentence that came out of his mouth. Honesty was not a top priority of mine at that moment. Escaping the conversation was the top priority. “Well, you know what could make you feel more content?” he asked. “UGH!!! Dingledorf is wasting NO time in discussing my salvation and how I can be saved by joining the Jehovah’s Witness church,” I thought. And then he followed with something that I didn’t expect. “Do you have life insurance?” he asked. Ha. So this was his kick now…selling life insurance. I responded, “yeah, I have two plans.” Which isn’t a lie. He replied, “well, I sell life insurance now and I think I can find something more suitable for you than what you have now.” This is when I put him into “total quack mode.” I do this when someone is either trying to sell me something or goes on and on about something that I don’t care about. Basically I just stand there, nod my head when suggested to, watch their mouths move and fail to process a single word they say to me. They can be quacking like a duck as far as I know, and I wouldn’t notice it, for I am not paying attention to what they are saying…at all. Just kind of going through the nonverbal stuff that makes me appear as if I am paying attention…when I am not.



So this guy continued to quack at me about life insurance and I stood there nodding my head, itching for the conversation to end so I could be on my way when suddenly, while he was speaking, a loud, high pitched squeal, followed by a “putt-putt-putt-putt-putt-putt” noise came from his pelvic region. When I heard the high pitched squeal, my immediate thought was, “what the hell?!?! What IS THAT?!?!” However, when I heard the “putt-putt-putt-putt-putt-putt-putt” noise, it was obvious to me that this guy had just let out one of the most bizarre sounding farts I’ve ever heard in my life…in mid-conversation.



Now, when I said that this was one of the weirdest sounding farts I’ve ever heard in my life, I meant it. Since it happened, I have tried to come up with an accurate comparison as to what it sounded like and the best I can do in terms of describing the sound is this: that the squealing noise sounded like a high-pitched black man, like Chris Tucker (from the movies; Friday, Rush Hour, The Fifth Element, etc.) yelling, “sayyyyyy whaaaaaaaaat” with his hand cupped over his mouth. The “putt-putt-putt-putt-putt-putt-putt” noise sounded like someone trying to start a moped with a very low battery and a faulty starter. Ok, so imagine the notoriously high-pitched Chris Tucker standing next to a moped. Chris Tucker puts his hand over his mouth and in his high-pitched voice yells, “sayyyyy whaaaaaaaaaatttt!?!?!” And then Mr. Tucker tries to start the moped, which has a faulty starter and a very low battery. That is what this guy’s fart sounded like. I was in total shock of how this guy’s fart sounded, I couldn’t believe he let such a powerful, odd-sounding fart escape his sphincter while he was in mid-conversation me and I REALLY couldn’t believe that he continued to go on about this life insurance shit after he farted without taking the time to say, “excuse me.” He just kept going on like nothing happened.



Then the smell hit the air. It was disgusting. The smell was just as rancid as the sound was weird. It smelled like a dead mouse doused in sauerkraut juice. It put me in a daze.

I just stared at him with that stupid, befuddle****ed expression on my face that I still get today when something absolutely floors me. And this guy just kept on “quacking” about this life insurance policy that he thought would suit me. “If only I would have bought into this life insurance policy before being exposed to this fart of his,” I thought to myself…because that fart was so rancid and gross, I thought I could die.



After another minute or so of him quacking and me staring at him with my mouth wide open, he finally acknowledged his fart. He must have noticed how thrown off I was by it. He paused for a second and said with his semi-Southern accent, “I’m sorry about my flatulence. I ate me some cheese.” Without thinking, I replied, “you ate you some cheese?” I couldn’t believe I uttered those words…it was like I was talking like him…..”you ate you some cheese?” Ugh. It does kind of explain the dead mouse smell. Maybe a mouse crawled into his ass on a mission to find that cheese and ended up dying. Anyways, he replied, “yeah, I ate me some cheese. I’m sorry bout my flatulence.” Then he went right back into his life insurance pitch like nothing happened.



After another couple minutes of this guy’s continuous quacking about the life insurance policy combined with the lingering scent of a dead mouse doused in sauerkraut juice, I made the decision to try to slyly flee from the conversation and this guy in general. I came up with the first lie that came to my head. I said, “well hey man, I gotta go. My wife is in the hospital giving birth right now and I probably need to get back to her hospital room.” “Oh your wife is having a baby?’ he asked. “Yes. She is having twins,” I replied. I figured this excuse would be understandable. He would at least let me leave now, right? WRONG. He responded by informing me that I can take out life insurance plans on both of my children that were being born that moment. Holy shit…these people stop at nothing. I ended up just looking at him and saying, “I’ll see you later, Dingledorf.” Then I walked away.



Out of all of the bizarre, cringe-inducing, awkward situations involving farts that I have experienced in my lifetime, that particular fart sticks out as being the worst. It was preposterous.





"One time when I spoke to the mullet man, Rick Dickulous, he farted mid-conversation like the guy in the story did. The only difference was, he said, “I am sorry bout my ‘fartulence,” I ate me some stink bait.” That kind of explains why Rick doesn’t catch very much fish to feed his family…because he eats the bait."

[loochy]

tldr

[rico]

Originally Posted by loochy

tldr

You....BASTARD!!!!!!!

[Iowanian]

It seems to me that this would be a nice offseason time distraction.

Bring it.

[TimBone]

And I actually thought about creating a thread about most embarrassing confessions today.