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Old 04-04-2013, 12:21 PM   #1
frankotank frankotank is offline
I like 'em mustard & biscuits
 
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An elderly man was stopped by the police around 2 a.m and was asked where he was going at that time of night.

The man replied, "I'm on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late."

The officer then asked, "Really? Who's giving that lecture at this time of night?"

The man replied, "That would be my wife."
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Old 04-04-2013, 12:36 PM   #2
Holladay Holladay is offline
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dang...sounds like me.
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Old 07-09-2014, 12:50 PM   #3
frankotank frankotank is offline
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hope not Q. saw this on Orange Is The New Black and thought of this thread

old feller goes to the doc to get checked out.
doc says well, I've got bad news, and I've got more bad news. you've got cancer. and you've got alzheimer's.
old feller shrugs and says, well, at least I don't have cancer.
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Old 07-09-2014, 03:59 PM   #4
Oxford Oxford is offline
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Q: How many bureaucrats does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Two. One to assure everyone that everything possible is being done while the other screws the bulb into the water faucet.
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Old 08-23-2014, 01:53 AM   #5
mikey23545 mikey23545 is offline
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What do you call a blonde with two brain cells? Pregnant.
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Old 08-23-2014, 01:55 AM   #6
mikey23545 mikey23545 is offline
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What is the cheapest kind of meat? Deer Balls. You get them under a buck.
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Old 08-23-2014, 01:58 AM   #7
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Why are NYers so depressed?
Because the light at the end of the tunnel is just New Jersey.
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Old 08-23-2014, 02:11 AM   #8
mikey23545 mikey23545 is offline
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The LAPD, The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.

The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.

The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming.

The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling: "Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!'
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Old 02-17-2017, 09:19 AM   #9
ThaVirus ThaVirus is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by mikey23545 View Post
The LAPD, The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.

The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.

The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming.

The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling: "Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!'
Hmm.. I actually don't get this one..
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Old 02-17-2017, 03:32 PM   #10
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Rodney King?
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Msmith has just been standing around suckin' on a big ol' chili dog.Msmith has just been standing around suckin' on a big ol' chili dog.Msmith has just been standing around suckin' on a big ol' chili dog.Msmith has just been standing around suckin' on a big ol' chili dog.Msmith has just been standing around suckin' on a big ol' chili dog.Msmith has just been standing around suckin' on a big ol' chili dog.Msmith has just been standing around suckin' on a big ol' chili dog.Msmith has just been standing around suckin' on a big ol' chili dog.Msmith has just been standing around suckin' on a big ol' chili dog.Msmith has just been standing around suckin' on a big ol' chili dog.Msmith has just been standing around suckin' on a big ol' chili dog.
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Old 02-17-2017, 05:26 PM   #11
Dave Lane Dave Lane is offline
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Hmm.. I actually don't get this one..
About the use of torture...
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Old 02-20-2017, 10:04 AM   #12
ThaVirus ThaVirus is offline
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Rodney King?
Quote:
Originally Posted by Dave Lane View Post
About the use of torture...
Ah, thanks. I was born in '89 so that was a bit before my time.
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Old 02-21-2017, 08:44 PM   #13
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I was born in '89
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Old 08-23-2014, 08:02 AM   #14
Kman34 Kman34 is offline
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Good ...Timely and funny
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Old 03-03-2016, 06:29 PM   #15
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Bump...

It has been too long and love reading these. I use to copy these and read them to the kids whilst traveling down to S MO for camping/canoeing. The kids are now in college


The Detective was interviewing a gang related incident that occurred in Central Park.

He was asking the turtle about the gang of snails that attacked and mugged him. Under intense questioning of all the details...

the turtle replies, "I dunno, it happened ssooo fast".

DADA DEUMP
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