What's your best sex story?

[KCrockaholic]

I know we're all a bunch of old ass men on here (I'm 28) with bald heads and goatees, but surely some of you have cool stories to tell about something wild that happened in your life sexually.

For me, I've had sex in the trunk of a car, outside next to coyotes howling, at the mall, at work (many many times). I could go into details, but I want YOUR details.

GO!

[threebag]

Originally Posted by loochy

The tall one only but she’d have to cover up her midget foot.

Hard pass on the others

[oldman]

Since there was some interest, I'll tell you all about hippie-dippy girlfriend, or hdgf. She and I had a brief summer romance, but after a few painful (guys know what I mean) makeout sessions, it was clear that while I was ready to mingle body fluids, she wasn't. So I used the old "going back to college" excuse and didn't see her for a couple of months. I came home one weekend to get my snow tires and ran into her. She said she had missed me and that she was ready to try some new things. Well OK, then! We went out that weekend and engaged in some mutual masturbation, resulting in her first ever orgasm. She was still a virgin! I had learned a valuable lesson from my female guru some years before that never be pushy and the woman will eventually think it's her idea. So over the next few weeks things progressed to the point of me eating at the Y and her trying to reciprocate. I say trying as she never could seem to do it long or well enough to finish the job and had to finish me manually.
Well hdgf had a BFF that was a little more experienced. She was the very picture of a 60s flower child, so we'll call her fc. FC's parents were musicians that had a steady weekend gig, so we'd often wind up at her house for beer and bong to keep her company. One evening hdgf told fc that she was having trouble mastering the art of fellatio and fc offered to help. The next thing you know is I'm in the easy chair with my pants down to my ankles and hdgf is going to town. FC sat down next to her and as much as I'd like to tell you that fc demonstrated, it didn't happen. Instead she just coached and by golly hdgf was able to complete the job. Simply wonderful. True enough there was some mess because she wasn't quite ready for the volume. But with some more expert coaching that wasn't a problem going forward. In fact, she was pretty into the whole thing and doing it multiple times a night and just about anywhere.
I eventually did deflower hdgf, thanks in part to fc, but that's another story.

[T-post Tom]

[RN47]

I banged a reeruned cab driver on a bare mattress in her trailer in Cusseta, Georgia a long, long time ago. She must have had five or six cats, and a dish of cat food was right by the bed making me want to puke. I was quite inebriated.


I got a jibber from an Albanian whore in Mannheim, Germany about 19 or 20 years ago while sitting in a restaurant. She had hand lotion in her purse and proceeded to jack me while I ordered a schnitzel or something.

The night before my wedding my friends took me to a titty bar, where I was eventually brought up on stage and "tied" to a chair. After many boobs and asses in my face, I was fairly aroused. One of the dancers grabbed my junk and said "OMG he's as hard as a rolling pin!" I had a threesome with her and another slut later that night. She had a trimmed beaver but a hairy butthole. I ate it.

I met a chick going through medical school at a UGA football game a long time ago. She was a horny, horny young lady. We had a rendezvous in a hotel one weekend and bought a huge roll of plastic drop cloth and some kind of edible oil. She wanted to give me a full body massage. Sure. She starts sucking my toes. Then she tossed my salad. I boned her butt and she went bananas. Loved it.

[DeepPurple]

Originally Posted by Chief Roundup

Before I was married I loved to have sex with married women. I viewed them as the best **** buddies...

I did the same thing, except I married her. I had just got out of the army and my best friend and me went to a bar. Someone said, bet you can't drink a shot of beer a minute for an hour, and he said I'll buy you the 4 beers. I was poor having just got out, so everytime the girl's face showed up as the clock turned, I took a shot. Sounds easy, but after about 45 minutes, those shots are coming fast.

My friend then tried it, and he goes over two hours. Now we've both been in this bar for about six hours and we're totally drunk. His wife comes looking for him for his pretty friend. We hook up that night, come to find her husband is in the army and is away. He comes back in about a month, we sneaked around for another month, usually met at the highway patrol office parking lot. Then she told him and moved in with me. We were married for 14 years, I messed up and left her.

[Graystoke]

Originally Posted by MTG#10

I did a girl in the supply closet at church when I was a teen. And went down on her in our youth pastor's office. Yeah I'm probably going to hell.

Dam and I thought I was going to hell for yanking one out after Sunday School

[T-post Tom]

Originally Posted by RN47

I banged a reeruned cab driver on a bare mattress in her trailer in Cusseta, Georgia a long, long time ago. She must have had five or six cats, and a dish of cat food was right by the bed making me want to puke. I was quite inebriated.


I got a jibber from an Albanian whore in Mannheim, Germany about 19 or 20 years ago while sitting in a restaurant. She had hand lotion in her purse and proceeded to jack me while I ordered a schnitzel or something.

The night before my wedding my friends took me to a titty bar, where I was eventually brought up on stage and "tied" to a chair. After many boobs and asses in my face, I was fairly aroused. One of the dancers grabbed my junk and said "OMG he's as hard as a rolling pin!" I had a threesome with her and another slut later that night. She had a trimmed beaver but a hairy butthole. I ate it.

I met a chick going through medical school at a UGA football game a long time ago. She was a horny, horny young lady. We had a rendezvous in a hotel one weekend and bought a huge roll of plastic drop cloth and some kind of edible oil. She wanted to give me a full body massage. Sure. She starts sucking my toes. Then she tossed my salad. I boned her butt and she went bananas. Loved it.

God bless AND you CAN bogart that joint.

[chinaski]

I flew out to Upstate Maine with some friends a few years ago to do some fishing and camping. One night, we saw this bright light in the sky, and ended up blacking out and waking up the next morning next to our extinguished campfire, I was sunburned, which was weird and my butt hurt. BAD.

I don't remember much, but with the help of a hypnotherapist I was able to recall a few things.

We went up into this "thing" sort of an egg shaped machine deal with these odd looking beings with long necks. Most of them didn't really appear to have any kind gender, but there were a few that were females, as they had blonde hair and killer bodies, camel toe etc.

When I got "up there" I was greeted by a few of the chicks and low and behold, I am not shitting you, Andy Reid.

He was sitting on Simply Red's lazy boy scratching his balls. He looked at me and said "How would you feel about eating some Pizza?"

Next thing I know, I am standing outside of a Pizza Hut off of 50 Hwy in Lone Jack in a complete stupor. I walked in, kind of mystified, and the clerk handed me three large Pizza's and some smaller boxes (I think they were wings), the Pizza smelled kind of like Meat Lovers, but I'm not sure. After that, within the blink of an eye, I was back on the ship with the Pizza and there again was Andy Reid. He was standing next to one of the hot alien chicks. Outside of the googly eyes and a little mouth, this "chick" was HOT. Andy took the food out of my hands and motioned toward the alien chick and said "Time's Yours..."

So off we went. Into this little room with a steel "bed" and some kind of apparatus that looked like scissors attached to it. And a weird clicking noise in the background too.

Alien gal proceeded to "rock my world" and as I was getting ready to climax, I felt an extremely painful "poke" in my backside. I screamed. The alien girl said don't worry, it's just an examination by Billay's Mom. I heard some laughter (telepathic laughter) and I guess the joke was on me because I don't know who Billay is.

After they were done, and I was done I was hungry as hell, craving Pizza no doubt. I went back into the main room and Andy was sitting there with three empty Pizza boxes and two empty wing boxes. He ate all the food. He said he was sorry and also said "I have to do a better job" and "It's on me" and the next thing I remember was waking up next to that burned out campfire in Maine.

[stevieray]

I married her twenty seven years ago.

I am almost jealous o myself.

[scho63]

Originally Posted by RN47

I banged a reeruned cab driver on a bare mattress in her trailer in Cusseta, Georgia a long, long time ago. She must have had five or six cats, and a dish of cat food was right by the bed making me want to puke. I was quite inebriated.


I got a jibber from an Albanian whore in Mannheim, Germany about 19 or 20 years ago while sitting in a restaurant. She had hand lotion in her purse and proceeded to jack me while I ordered a schnitzel or something.

The night before my wedding my friends took me to a titty bar, where I was eventually brought up on stage and "tied" to a chair. After many boobs and asses in my face, I was fairly aroused. One of the dancers grabbed my junk and said "OMG he's as hard as a rolling pin!" I had a threesome with her and another slut later that night. She had a trimmed beaver but a hairy butthole. I ate it.

I met a chick going through medical school at a UGA football game a long time ago. She was a horny, horny young lady. We had a rendezvous in a hotel one weekend and bought a huge roll of plastic drop cloth and some kind of edible oil. She wanted to give me a full body massage. Sure. She starts sucking my toes. Then she tossed my salad. I boned her butt and she went bananas. Loved it.

We gotta go out together!

[Titty Meat]

Originally Posted by cooper barrett

I did a KY 102 morning on air sidekick who had the same demeanor...... legs, arm pits and bush. I guess you could get used to it but not me! One thing that wasn't exploited enough was that all the gals at KY102 had amazing mouths.

Always wanted to **** Katie McGucken but Big John (King Henry) was a friend. More about my exploits at 39th and Summit if there's enough interest

You shared some of Tommy Morrisons women between goin to Westport and the bar on top of the radisson on 87th in OP

[cooper barrett]

I don't think I ever did that bar/ dance club, don't even remember the name of the place.

I certainly didn't run in Tommy Morrison's circles. As a matter of fact, I never met Morrison. I did know Tony Chiaverini and his dad, Gino.

[Titty Meat]

Originally Posted by cooper barrett

I don't think I ever did that bar/ dance club, don't even remember the name of the place.

I certainly didn't run in Tommy Morrison's circles. As a matter of fact, I never met Morrison. I did know Tony Chiaverini and his dad, Gino.

That's surprising

[cooper barrett]

Why is it surprising?? I took a new direction and moved to the 'burbs and concentrated on making money and acquiring stuff.

[Rain Man]

Originally Posted by oldman

...But then I noticed hair in places that it shouldn't be -- like her armpits ---and her legs...

It's not a scoring story, but I have to share something that traumatized me recently.

I was in Seattle a couple of weeks ago, and I was riding the light rail. Some young woman got on, probably mid-20s, and she had the worst fashion sense I've seen in a long time. I think she was trying to dress Bohemian with a devil-may-care flair, but it was just terrible. She was wearing saggy flannel pajama bottoms and army boots and some kind of dumpy cartoon animal shirt, and it was just gross, in no small part because I could tell that she had actually planned the look. Now, she was an adult, so it's her right to dress however she wanted, but as a guy who appreciates a good fashion sense I had to fight the urge to slap her in the face and tell her to hire someone who could dress her in the morning.

So anyway, I'm riding the light rail and eventually I have to position myself to get off, so I go over near the door. She was sitting in a seat right next to the door, and when I looked down the leg of her saggy pajama bottoms had ridden up over her combat boots, and she had grotesquely hairy legs. Her legs were notably more furry than mine, and it was very dark hair.

I'm sure that I gave her the same look as the first medic at My Lai.