***Official E-mail Fowards Thread***

[StcChief]

HR Dept.

Dear Employees:

It has been brought to management's attention that some individuals
throughout the company have been using foul language during the course
of normal conversation with their co-workers. Due to complaints
received from some employees who may be easily offended, this type of
language will no longer be tolerated. Therefore, a list of 18 New and
Innovative 'TRY SAYING' phrases have been provided so that proper
exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective manner.

Number 1

TRY SAYING: I think you could use more training.
INSTEAD OF: You don't know what the f___ you're doing.

Number 2

TRY SAYING: She's an aggressive go-getter.
INSTEAD OF: She's a f___ing bit__.

Number 3

TRY SAYING: Perhaps I can work late .
INSTEAD OF: And when the f___ do you expect me to do this?

Number 4

TRY SAYING: I'm certain that isn't feasible.
INSTEAD OF: No f___ing way.

Number 5

TRY SAYING: Really?
INSTEAD OF: You've got to be sh___ing me!

Number 6

TRY SAYING: Perhaps you should check with....
INSTEAD OF: Tell someone who gives a sh__.

Number 7

TRY SAYING: I wasn't involved in the project.
INSTEAD OF: It's not my f___ing problem.

Number 8

TRY SAYING: That's interesting.
INSTEAD OF: What the f___?

Number 9

TRY SAYING: I'm not sure this can be implemented.
INSTEAD OF: This sh__ won't work.

Number 10

TRY SAYING:
I'll try to schedule that.
INSTEAD OF: Why the f___ didn't you tell me sooner?

Number 11

TRY SAYING: He's not familiar with the issues.
INSTEAD OF: He's got his head up his a__.

Number 12

TRY SAYING: Excuse me, sir?
INSTEAD OF: Eat sh__ and die.

Number 13

TRY SAYING: So you weren't happy with it?
INSTEAD OF: Kiss my a__.

Number 14

TRY SAYING: I'm a bit overloaded at the moment.
INSTEAD OF: F__ it, I'm on salary.

Number 15

TRY SAYING: I don't think you understand.
INSTEAD OF: Shove it up your a__.

Number 16

TRY SAYING: I love a challenge.
INSTEAD OF: This f___ing job sucks.

Number 17

TRY SAYING: You want me to take care of that?
INSTEAD OF: Who the f___ died and made you boss?

Number 18

TRY SAYING: He's somewhat insensitive.
INSTEAD OF: He's a pr_ck.

Thank You,
Human Resources

Today is International Disturbed People's Day. Please send an
encouraging message to a disturbed friend... just as I've done.

I don't care if you lick windows, take the special bus or occasionally
pee on yourself..
You hang in there sunshine, you're frigging special.

[Bwana]

This is the kind of crap I get every day.

Hello Friend,

when God speaks, it would surely come to reality. I received
God and knowing the truth ,i understand that the truth have
set me free. Having known the truth, I had no choice than to do
what is lawful and right in the sight of God for eternal life
. I have the pleasure to share my testimony with you,
I am Barrister Catherine Levett ,i am from UK(UNITED KINGDOM), i
am the legal adviser to late Mr and Mrs Elizabeth Chapman , a
Russian couple that lived in my Country UK for 25 years before
they died in plane crash. They were good Christians, They were
so Dedicated to God, but they had no child until their death .
Throughout their stay in my country in United Kingdom here , they
acquired a lot of properties like Lands, house properties, etc.
As their legal adviser, before their death, they Instructed me to
write their WILL. Because they had no child, they dedicated all
their wealth to God and the needy in the society . According to
the WILL, the properties have to be sold and 40 percent of the
money will be given out to the person who will manage and
utilize this money very well for his own personal use ,then the
remaining 60 percent will be given to the same person so he will
use it for the ministry that will spread the works of God, and
for the upkeep of widows, widowers, orphans,
destitute, the down-trodden, physically challenged children,
barren-women and persons who prove to be genuinely handicapped
financially. As Their legal adviser, all the documents for the
Properties were in my care.





In short, I sold all the
properties after their death, as they instructed and as matter of
fact, after I sold all their properties, I realized MORE THAN
Twenty million, five hundred thousand US Dollars
($20.500,000,00), what was supposed to be the percentage
interest of my right legal fee was firstly deducted by me out of
the total amount realized from the sold properties, this was
based on the initial agreement between me and the owner of the
properties before their death. Therefore the total amount left
for the person that will manage the money and the money to be
invested into God's work as instructed by the owner is Eighteen
million, five hundred thousand US Dollars ($18.500,000,00) only.
But Instead of giving the FUND OUT as instructed to me by the
owner before their death, I converted the fund to myself with the
intention of investing the fund abroad for my personal use. I was
afraid of putting the fund in the Bank, because I had to give
account to the bank on how I got the money. I then packaged the
fund in consignments and deposited the consignments with a
security company. I did not want the management of the Security
Company to know the content of the consignments; therefore I
registered the content of the consignments as Gold Bars.



I had an encounter with God when Rev. Billy Graham was
preaching on television concerning Ananas and Sapphires who told
lies when they were told to bring money ,so that lives of people
will be saved in Acts 5:1-11. After hearing the word of God, I
gave my life to God and became a born again Christian. As a
born again Christian, I started reading my bible and one day, the
God opened my eyes to Ezekiel 33: 18 and 19 where the word of
God says: "When the righteous turneth from his righteousness, and
committeth iniquity, he shall even die thereby. But if the wicked
turn from his wickedness, and do that which is lawful and right,
he shall live thereby". I have asked God for
forgiveness and I know that God has forgiven me. But I have to do
what is lawful and right in the sight of God by giving out the
fund to the chosen ministry for the purpose of God's work and
needy people all over the world, as instructed by the owner
before her death. After my fasting and prayers, I asked God to make his choice and direct me to a honest Person but after my
fervent prayer over it, then you were nominated to me through
divine revelation from God, to
contact you ,for you to take 40 percent of the funds of Eighteen
million, five hundred thousand US Dollars ($18.500,000,00)for
yourself , and then to use wisely the remaining 60 percent of
the same money for the works of helping the underpriviledged in
the society. . I have notified the Security Company where I
deposited the consignments that contained the fund that I am
moving the consignment abroad, and the security company has since
been waiting for my authority , so that the consignment will
leave my country and move to abroad. You should forward to me
your full name ,mailing contact address , telephone and fax
number for easy communication and to fax you the documents
concerning the consignments. Prompt response will be highly
appreciated.


Yours in God .

Barrister Catherine Levett

[rad]

Attn: Sir/Madam,

My name is Mr. Song Li. I work with the Hang Seng Bank. There is a sum
of $19,500,000.00 in my bank Hang Seng Bank", Hong Kong.
There were no beneficiaries stated concerning these funds which means
no one would ever come to claim it. That is why I ask that
we work together.

I do solicit for your assistance in effecting this transaction. I
intend to give 30% of the total funds as compensation for your
assistance. I will notify you on the full transaction on receipt of
your response if interested, and I shall send you the
details and necessary procedures with which to make the transfer.

Should you be interested? Please send me your:
1. Full names
2. Private phone number
3. Current residential address

Kindly indicate interest by replying with the below email address
only: Email: mrsong_li102@yahoo.com.hk

Kind Regards,
Mr. Song Li

[Smed1065]

Subject: New Terms Now In Place For Stock Market Investing .....


CEO --Chief Embezzlement Officer.

CFO-- Corporate Fraud Officer.

BULL MARKET -- A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius.

BEAR MARKET -- A 6 to 18 month period when the kids get no allowance, the wife gets no jewelry and the husband gets no sex.

VALUE INVESTING -- The art of buying low and selling lower.

P/E RATIO -- The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the market keeps crashing.

BROKER -- What my broker has made me.

STANDARD & POOR -- Your life in a nutshell.

STOCK ANALYST -- Idiot who just downgraded your stock.

STOCK SPLIT -- When your ex-wife and her lawyer split your assets equally between themselves.

MARKET CORRECTION -- The day after you buy stocks.

CASH FLOW-- The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet.

YAHOO -- What you yell after selling it to some poor sucker for $240 per share.

WINDOWS -- What you jump out of when you're the sucker who bought Yahoo @ $240 per share.

INSTITUTIONAL INVESTOR -- Past year investor who's now locked up in a nut house.

PROFIT -- An archaic word no longer in use.

LAUGHING STOCK -- It's what your family calls you for investing your hard-earned money in the stock market instead of Savings Bonds.

[Thig Lyfe]

CAN'T HANDLE AN 11 SEED HAR HAR

[kepp]

I actually just got a viagra spam email from the email account of the minister at the church I go to. I'm hoping his google account was hacked.

[luv]

Got this forwarded to me by one of my attorneys the other day. I know it's old, but thought it was cute for Christmas.


Company Memo
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: November 1, 2010
RE: Gala Christmas Party

I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23rd, starting at noon in the private function room at the Grill House.

There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks! We'll have a small band playing traditional carols... Feel free to sing along. And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus!

A Christmas tree will be lit at 1:00 PM. Exchanges of gifts among employees can be done at that time; however, no gift should be over $10.00 to make the giving of gifts easy for everyone's pockets.

This gathering is only for employees!

Our CEO will make a special announcement at that time!

Merry Christmas to you and your family,
Patty


Company Memo
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: November 2, 2010
RE: Gala Holiday Party

In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognize that Hanukkah is an important holiday, which often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year.

However, from now on, we're calling it our "Holiday Party." The same policy applies to any other employees who are not Christians and to those still celebrating Reconciliation Day.

There will be no Christmas tree and no Christmas carols will be sung.

We will have other types of music for your enjoyment.

Happy now?

Happy Holidays to you and your family,
Patty


Company Memo
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: November 3, 2010
RE: Holiday Party

Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table, you didn't sign your name...

I'm happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads, "AA Only", you wouldn't be anonymous anymore. How am I supposed to handle this?

Somebody?

And sorry, but forget about the gift exchange, no gifts are allowed since the union members feel that $10.00 is too much money and the executives believe $10.00 is a little chintzy.

REMEMBER: NO GIFTS EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.

Patty


Company Memo
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
To: All Employees
DATE: November 4, 2010
RE: Generic Holiday Party

What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20th begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during daylight hours.

There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees' beliefs. Perhaps the Grill House can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party or else package everything for you to take it home in little foil doggy baggy. Will that work?

Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest from the dessert buffet, and pregnant women will get the table closest to the restrooms.

Gays are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not have to sit with Gay men, each group will have their own table.

Yes, there will be flower arrangement for the Gay men's table.
To the person asking permission to cross dress, the Grill House asks that no cross-dressing be allowed, apparently because of concerns about confusion in the restrooms. Sorry.

We will have booster seats for short people.
Low-fat food will be available for those on a diet.

I am sorry to report that we cannot control the amount of salt used in the food . The Grill House suggests that people with high blood pressure taste a bite first.

There will be fresh "low sugar" fruits as dessert for diabetics, but the restaurant cannot supply "no sugar" desserts. Sorry!

Did I miss anything?!?!?
Patty


Company Memo
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All F*%^ing Employees
DATE: November 5, 2010
RE: The F*%^ing Holiday Party

I've had it with you vegetarian pricks!!! We're going to keep this party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death," as you so quaintly put it, and you'll get your f*%^ing salad bar, including organic tomatoes.

But you know, tomatoes have feelings, too. They scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing them scream right NOW!

The rest of you f*%^ing wierdos can kiss my *ss. I hope you all have a rotten holiday!

Drive drunk and die,

The B*tch from H*ll!!!


Company Memo
FROM: Joan Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director
DATE: November 6, 2010
RE: Patty Lewis and Holiday Party

I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery from her recent nervous breakdown and I'll continue to forward your cards to her at the asylum.

In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay.

Happy Whatever!
Joan

[mr. tegu]

Some funny Out of Office Automatic e-mail Replies

- I am currently out of the office at a job interview and will reply to you if I fail to get the position. Please be prepared for my mood.

- You are receiving this automatic notification because I am out of the office. If I was in, chances are you wouldn't have received anything at all.

- Sorry to have missed you, but I'm at the doctor's having my brain and heart removed so I can be promoted to our management team.

- I will be unable to delete all the e-mails you send me until I return from vacation. Please be patient, and your mail will be deleted in the order it was received.

- Thank you for your e-mail. Your credit card has been charged $5.99 for the first 10 words and $1.99 for each additional word in your message.

- The e-mail server is unable to verify your server connection. Your message has not been delivered. Please restart your computer and try sending again. (The beauty of this is that when you return, you can see who did this over and over and over...)

- Thank you for your message, which has been added to a queuing system. You are currently in 352nd place, and can expect to receive a reply in approximately 19 weeks.

- Hi, I'm thinking about what you've just sent me. Please wait by your PC for my response.

- I've run away to join a different circus.

- I will be out of the office for the next two weeks for medical reasons. When I return, please refer to me as 'Lucille' instead of Steve.

[|Zach|]

In this thread.

Old people.

[Thig Lyfe]

Originally Posted by |Zach|

In this thread.

Old people.

E-mail is inherently funny because it's like real mail but instead of in a mailbox it's in a computer, like some sort of movie.