Funny Stuff Clean jokes can be funny too! - Page 43

Frankie · 05:17 PM

Or at least good for a chuckle. Here's something completely different (for this BB). This thread is dedicated to ONLY CLEAN JOKES. Please post any clean joke that you find funny or at least amusing. We will not call you "dorks." Not in this thread. Let's see what you've got,... and share them.

Don't worry about repeat jokes. Nobody has time to check all posts.

blazzin311 · 04-27-2009, 01:43 AM

thanks. i got a kick out of it. By the way i'm only a noob when it comes to postin on here. been a resident lurker here since 05' i think.

**J Diddy** · 04-27-2009, 02:38 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by RedNeckRaider

A cruise ship sank and only three people were able to swim to the nearest island they were Bob, Tom, and Debbie. The island was deserted and be stuck there over time natures urges took over and the three of them began having sex. As time passed Debbie began to feel terrible about having sex with two men she did not love and she took her life. This was very tragic for Bob and Tom but after time natures urges once again took over. After awhile Bob and Tom felt terrible about what they were doing so.......

they buried Debbie

man thats old

greg63 · 04-30-2009, 10:25 AM

It takes your food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach.

One human hair can support 3 kg (6.6 lb).

The average man's penis is three times the length of his thumb.

Human thighbones are stronger than concrete.

A woman's heart beats faster than a man's.

There are about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet.

Women blink twice as often as men..

The average person's skin weighs twice as much as the brain.

Your body uses 300 muscles to balance itself when you are standing still.

If saliva cannot dissolve something, you cannot taste it.

Women reading this will be finished now.

Men are still busy checking their thumbs.

Jethopper · 04-30-2009, 10:29 AM

Q: Why did the bar on the moon fail?

A: The drink prices were good, it just didn't have the.........atmosphere.

blazzin311 · 04-30-2009, 12:56 PM

25 REASONS I OWE MY MOTHER

1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE .
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."

2. My mother taught me RELIGION.
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL .
" If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"

4. My mother taught me LOGIC.
" Because I said so, that's why."

5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me.."

6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."

7. My mother taught me IRONY
"Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."

8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."

9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
"Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"

10. My mother taught me about STAMINA..
"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."

11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.
"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."

12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
"If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"

13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."

14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.
"Stop acting like your father!"

15. My mother taught me about ENVY.
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do."

16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
"Just wait until we get home."

17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING .
"You are going to get it when you get home!"

18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE..
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way."

19. My mother taught me ESP.
"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"

20. My mother taught me HUMOR.
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."

21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT .
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

22. My mother taught me GENETICS.
"You're just like your father."

23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
"Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"

24. My mother taught me WISDOM.
"When you get to be my age, you'll understand."

25. And my favorite: My mother taught me about JUSTICE
"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you.

bkkcoh · 05-03-2009, 08:19 PM

A man walks up to a woman in his office each day, stands very close to her, draws in a large breath of air and tells her that her hair smells nice.
After a week of this she can't stand it any longer! The woman goes into her supervisor's office and tells him that she wants to file a sexual harassment suit against the man and explains why.
The supervisor is puzzled by this and says what's wrong with the co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?
The woman replies, "He's a midget"!

Frankie · 05-12-2009, 09:00 AM

The Creation Story:

God said, 'Adam, I want you to do something for Me.'

Adam said, 'Gladly, Lord, what do You want me to do?'

God said, 'Go down into that valley.'

Adam said, 'What's a valley?'

God explained it to him.Then God said, 'Cross the river.'

Adam said, 'What's a river?'

God explained that to him, and then said, 'Go over to the hill...'

Adam said , 'What is a hill?'

So, God explained to Adam what a hill was.

He told Adam, 'On The other side of the hill you will find a cave.'

Adam said, 'What's a cave?'

After God explained, he said, 'In the cave you will find a woman.'

Adam said, 'What's a woman?'

So God explained that to him, too.

Then, God said, 'I want you to reproduce.'

Adam said, 'How do I do that?'

God first said (under His breath), 'Geez....'

And then, just like everything else, God Explained that to Adam, as well.

So, Adam went down into the valley, across the river, and over the hill, into the cave, and found the woman.

But unfortunately, in about five minutes, he was back.

God, his patience wearing thin, his voice booming, said angrily, 'WHAT IS IT NOW?'

And Adam said...

*

*

*

(Drumrolls....)

*

*

*

'What's a headache?'

PhillyChiefFan · 05-12-2009, 11:15 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by blazzin311

A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most
beautiful woman boarding the plane.

He soon realized she was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took the seat
right beside his.. Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, "Business trip or pleasure?"

She turned, smiled and said, "Business. I'm going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Chicago."

He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs. Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?"

"Lecturer," she responded. "I use information that I have learned from my personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."

"Really?" he said. "And what kind of myths are there?"

"Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well-endowed of
all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait.

Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers when actually it is men of Jewish descent who are the best.

I have also discovered that the lover with absolutely the best stamina is the Southern Redneck..."

Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry," she said, "I shouldn't really
be discussing all of this with you. I don't even know your name."

"Tonto," the man said, "Tonto Goldstein, but my friends call me Bubba."

Frankie · 05-12-2009, 12:43 PM

The Lone Ranger and Tonto go camping in the desert. After they got their tent all set up, both men fall sound asleep.

Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says, 'Kemo Sabe, look towards sky, what you see?'

The Lone Ranger replies, 'I see millions of stars.'

'What that tell you?' asked Tonto.

The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says, 'Astronomically speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning. Theologically, the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow..... What's it tell you, Tonto?'

'It tell me you dumber than buffalo chip. It means someone stole tent.'

bkkcoh · 05-18-2009, 09:05 AM

A preacher goes into a bar and says: "Anybody who wants to go to heaven, stand up."

Everybody stands up except for a drunk in the corner. The preacher says: "My son, don't you want to go to heaven when you die?"

The drunk says: "When I die? Sure. I thought you were taking a load up now."

Jilly · 05-18-2009, 09:19 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by bkkcoh

A preacher goes into a bar and says: "Anybody who wants to go to heaven, stand up."

Everybody stands up except for a drunk in the corner. The preacher says: "My son, don't you want to go to heaven when you die?"

The drunk says: "When I die? Sure. I thought you were taking a load up now."

badgirl · 05-18-2009, 10:43 AM

3 men go to heaven and got a form of transportation based upon how faithful they were to their wives while on earth.

The first man said yea he was very faithful and never even thought about another woman because he loved his wife so much.....he got a corvette to sport around in Heaven.

The second man said he had been faithful most of the time, but he did have only one weak moment and was very regretful afterward.....he got a chevy truck to drive around in Heaven.

The third man said he had to admit he was a dog and unfaithful to his wife all the time....He got a bicycle to ride around on.

One day the man who had the truck and the man with the bicycle were sitting and talking and saw the man with the vette sitting on the top of his car crying his eyes out. They said "whats wrong man, your in heaven got this vette was faithful and loving to your wife, why are you crying."

The man replied " I just saw my wife go by on a pair of rollerblades".

**Gonzo** · 05-18-2009, 12:39 PM

Crazycoffee, Claythan and Hootie are all at a sports bar drinking beer when suddenly a bus crashes into the front of it and kills all three of them. They all go to heaven where St. Peter explains the rules of the probationary period.
St. Peter stated that all three of them must walk around necked for 30 days and if any of them had an impure thought, their wings would fall off and they would drop to hell.

A week into it, the three had done an astounding job not having any impure thoughts when suddenly, out of no where a beautiful brunette woman walks by. Crazycoffee tried to look away and not have any unjust thoughts of lust but alas, his wings fell off and he dropped to hell.

Well, after seeing this, both Claythan and Hootie were scared straight to say the least. Unfortunately, to Hooties demise a beautiful red headed woman walked by. She was absolutely gorgeous and he could not help it. Suddenly his wings fell, thinking quickly however, he bent over to grab them and suddenly Claythan lost his wings.

badgirl · 05-18-2009, 12:49 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Gonzo

Crazycoffee, Claythan and Hootie are all at a sports bar drinking beer when suddenly a bus crashes into the front of it and kills all three of them. They all go to heaven where St. Peter explains the rules of the probationary period.
St. Peter stated that all three of them must walk around necked for 30 days and if any of them had an impure thought, their wings would fall off and they would drop to hell.

A week into it, the three had done an astounding job not having any impure thoughts when suddenly, out of no where a beautiful brunette woman walks by. Crazycoffee tried to look away and not have any unjust thoughts of lust but alas, his wings fell off and he dropped to hell.

Well, after seeing this, both Claythan and Hootie were scared straight to say the least. Unfortunately, to Hooties demise a beautiful red headed woman walked by. She was absolutely gorgeous and he could not help it. Suddenly his wings fell, thinking quickly however, he bent over to grab them and suddenly Claythan lost his wings.

Rooster · 06-09-2009, 03:10 PM

No matter what this husband did in bed, his wife never achieved an
orgasm. Since by Jewish law a wife is entitled to sexual pleasure, they
decide to consult their Rabbi.

The Rabbi listens to their story, strokes his beard, and makes the
following suggestion: 'Hire a strapping young man. While the two of you
are making love, have the young man wave a towel over you. That will
help your wife fantasize and should bring on an orgasm.'
They go home and follow the Rabbi's advice. They hire a handsome young
man and he waves a towel over them as they make love. It does not help
and the wife is still unsatisfied. Perplexed, they go back to the Rabbi.

'Okay,' he says to the husband, 'Try it reversed. Have the young man make
love to your wife and you wave the towel over them.'

Once again, they follow the Rabbi's advice. They go home and hire, the
same strapping young man.The young man gets into bed with the wife and
the husband waves the towel. The young man gets to work with great
enthusiasm and soon she has an enormous, room-shaking, ear-splitting
screaming orgasm.

The husband smiles, looks at the young man and says to him triumphantly,

'See that, you schmuck? THAT'S how you wave a towel!!'

09-25-2005, 09:00 AM
Frankie Banned Join Date: Jul 2001 Casino cash: $10004900	Clean jokes can be funny too! Or at least good for a chuckle. Here's something completely different (for this BB). This thread is dedicated to ONLY CLEAN JOKES. Please post any clean joke that you find funny or at least amusing. We will not call you "dorks." Not in this thread. Let's see what you've got,... and share them. Don't worry about repeat jokes. Nobody has time to check all posts. Last edited by Frankie; 07-10-2011 at 05:17 PM..
Posts: 26,959

04-27-2009, 01:43 AM	#631
blazzin311 Blazzin311 Join Date: Sep 2006 Location: Miami, FL Casino cash: $9475101	thanks. i got a kick out of it. By the way i'm only a noob when it comes to postin on here. been a resident lurker here since 05' i think.
Posts: 1,429

04-30-2009, 10:25 AM	#633
greg63 Homer go crazy!!! Join Date: Nov 2003 Location: SE Kansas Casino cash: $9194990	It takes your food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach. One human hair can support 3 kg (6.6 lb). The average man's penis is three times the length of his thumb. Human thighbones are stronger than concrete. A woman's heart beats faster than a man's. There are about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet. Women blink twice as often as men.. The average person's skin weighs twice as much as the brain. Your body uses 300 muscles to balance itself when you are standing still. If saliva cannot dissolve something, you cannot taste it. Women reading this will be finished now. Men are still busy checking their thumbs. __________________
Posts: 17,601

04-30-2009, 10:29 AM	#634
Jethopper A Great Pick Join Date: Mar 2009 Casino cash: $9776008	Q: Why did the bar on the moon fail? A: The drink prices were good, it just didn't have the.........atmosphere.
Posts: 1,756

04-30-2009, 12:56 PM	#635
blazzin311 Blazzin311 Join Date: Sep 2006 Location: Miami, FL Casino cash: $9475101	25 REASONS I OWE MY MOTHER 1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE . "If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning." 2. My mother taught me RELIGION. "You better pray that will come out of the carpet." 3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL . " If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!" 4. My mother taught me LOGIC. " Because I said so, that's why." 5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC. "If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me.." 6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT. "Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident." 7. My mother taught me IRONY "Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about." 8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS. "Shut your mouth and eat your supper." 9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM. "Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!" 10. My mother taught me about STAMINA.. "You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone." 11. My mother taught me about WEATHER. "This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it." 12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY. "If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!" 13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE. "I brought you into this world, and I can take you out." 14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION. "Stop acting like your father!" 15. My mother taught me about ENVY. "There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do." 16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION. "Just wait until we get home." 17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING . "You are going to get it when you get home!" 18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.. "If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way." 19. My mother taught me ESP. "Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?" 20. My mother taught me HUMOR. "When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me." 21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT . "If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up." 22. My mother taught me GENETICS. "You're just like your father." 23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS. "Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?" 24. My mother taught me WISDOM. "When you get to be my age, you'll understand." 25. And my favorite: My mother taught me about JUSTICE "One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you.
Posts: 1,429

05-03-2009, 08:19 PM	#636
bkkcoh MVP Join Date: Aug 2000 Location: Lewis Center, Ohio USA Casino cash: $9805595	ok, maybe not so clean A man walks up to a woman in his office each day, stands very close to her, draws in a large breath of air and tells her that her hair smells nice. After a week of this she can't stand it any longer! The woman goes into her supervisor's office and tells him that she wants to file a sexual harassment suit against the man and explains why. The supervisor is puzzled by this and says what's wrong with the co-worker telling you your hair smells nice? The woman replies, "He's a midget"! __________________ Brian K. Aspire to Inspire before you Expire
Posts: 5,506

05-12-2009, 09:00 AM	#637
Frankie Banned Join Date: Jul 2001 Casino cash: $10004900	The Creation Story: God said, 'Adam, I want you to do something for Me.' Adam said, 'Gladly, Lord, what do You want me to do?' God said, 'Go down into that valley.' Adam said, 'What's a valley?' God explained it to him.Then God said, 'Cross the river.' Adam said, 'What's a river?' God explained that to him, and then said, 'Go over to the hill...' Adam said , 'What is a hill?' So, God explained to Adam what a hill was. He told Adam, 'On The other side of the hill you will find a cave.' Adam said, 'What's a cave?' After God explained, he said, 'In the cave you will find a woman.' Adam said, 'What's a woman?' So God explained that to him, too. Then, God said, 'I want you to reproduce.' Adam said, 'How do I do that?' God first said (under His breath), 'Geez....' And then, just like everything else, God Explained that to Adam, as well. So, Adam went down into the valley, across the river, and over the hill, into the cave, and found the woman. But unfortunately, in about five minutes, he was back. God, his patience wearing thin, his voice booming, said angrily, 'WHAT IS IT NOW?' And Adam said... * * * (Drumrolls....) * * * 'What's a headache?' Last edited by Frankie; 05-12-2009 at 09:08 AM..
Posts: 26,959

05-12-2009, 12:43 PM	#639
Frankie Banned Join Date: Jul 2001 Casino cash: $10004900	The Lone Ranger and Tonto go camping in the desert. After they got their tent all set up, both men fall sound asleep. Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says, 'Kemo Sabe, look towards sky, what you see?' The Lone Ranger replies, 'I see millions of stars.' 'What that tell you?' asked Tonto. The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says, 'Astronomically speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning. Theologically, the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow..... What's it tell you, Tonto?' 'It tell me you dumber than buffalo chip. It means someone stole tent.'
Posts: 26,959

05-18-2009, 09:05 AM	#640
bkkcoh MVP Join Date: Aug 2000 Location: Lewis Center, Ohio USA Casino cash: $9805595	A preacher goes into a bar and says: "Anybody who wants to go to heaven, stand up." Everybody stands up except for a drunk in the corner. The preacher says: "My son, don't you want to go to heaven when you die?" The drunk says: "When I die? Sure. I thought you were taking a load up now." __________________ Brian K. Aspire to Inspire before you Expire
Posts: 5,506

05-18-2009, 10:43 AM	#642
badgirl CLICK, CLICK..BOOM!!!! Join Date: Sep 2004 Location: Johnson City, Tennessee Casino cash: $10004900	3 men go to heaven and got a form of transportation based upon how faithful they were to their wives while on earth. The first man said yea he was very faithful and never even thought about another woman because he loved his wife so much.....he got a corvette to sport around in Heaven. The second man said he had been faithful most of the time, but he did have only one weak moment and was very regretful afterward.....he got a chevy truck to drive around in Heaven. The third man said he had to admit he was a dog and unfaithful to his wife all the time....He got a bicycle to ride around on. One day the man who had the truck and the man with the bicycle were sitting and talking and saw the man with the vette sitting on the top of his car crying his eyes out. They said "whats wrong man, your in heaven got this vette was faithful and loving to your wife, why are you crying." The man replied " I just saw my wife go by on a pair of rollerblades".
Posts: 7,696

05-18-2009, 12:39 PM	#643
Gonzo Stuff & Things Join Date: Jan 2006 Location: The Yukon Casino cash: $10126924	Crazycoffee, Claythan and Hootie are all at a sports bar drinking beer when suddenly a bus crashes into the front of it and kills all three of them. They all go to heaven where St. Peter explains the rules of the probationary period. St. Peter stated that all three of them must walk around necked for 30 days and if any of them had an impure thought, their wings would fall off and they would drop to hell. A week into it, the three had done an astounding job not having any impure thoughts when suddenly, out of no where a beautiful brunette woman walks by. Crazycoffee tried to look away and not have any unjust thoughts of lust but alas, his wings fell off and he dropped to hell. Well, after seeing this, both Claythan and Hootie were scared straight to say the least. Unfortunately, to Hooties demise a beautiful red headed woman walked by. She was absolutely gorgeous and he could not help it. Suddenly his wings fell, thinking quickly however, he bent over to grab them and suddenly Claythan lost his wings.
Posts: 21,498

06-09-2009, 03:10 PM	#645
Rooster Draft a QB Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: JoCo Casino cash: $9961689	No matter what this husband did in bed, his wife never achieved an orgasm. Since by Jewish law a wife is entitled to sexual pleasure, they decide to consult their Rabbi. The Rabbi listens to their story, strokes his beard, and makes the following suggestion: 'Hire a strapping young man. While the two of you are making love, have the young man wave a towel over you. That will help your wife fantasize and should bring on an orgasm.' They go home and follow the Rabbi's advice. They hire a handsome young man and he waves a towel over them as they make love. It does not help and the wife is still unsatisfied. Perplexed, they go back to the Rabbi. 'Okay,' he says to the husband, 'Try it reversed. Have the young man make love to your wife and you wave the towel over them.' Once again, they follow the Rabbi's advice. They go home and hire, the same strapping young man.The young man gets into bed with the wife and the husband waves the towel. The young man gets to work with great enthusiasm and soon she has an enormous, room-shaking, ear-splitting screaming orgasm. The husband smiles, looks at the young man and says to him triumphantly, 'See that, you schmuck? THAT'S how you wave a towel!!' __________________ When Reno Hightower was a prick he was the best damn quarterback in the history of Kern County.
Posts: 5,753