Clean jokes can be funny too!

[Frankie]

Or at least good for a chuckle. Here's something completely different (for this BB). This thread is dedicated to ONLY CLEAN JOKES. Please post any clean joke that you find funny or at least amusing. We will not call you "dorks." Not in this thread. Let's see what you've got,... and share them.

Don't worry about repeat jokes. Nobody has time to check all posts.

[KCKID58]

A man asks a woman if she'll sleep with him for a million dollars. When she says yes to the proposal, he then asks if she'll sleep with him for twenty dollars.

"No!" the woman exclaims, "What kind of a girl do you think I am??"

"Oh, we already know the answer to that question," the man replied. "Now we're just haggling."

[Rooster]

Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on stretchers next to each

other outside the operating room---the first surgeries of the day.


The first kid leans over and asks,'What are you in here for?'

The second kid says, 'I'm in here to get my tonsils out and I'm a

little nervous.'


The first kid says, 'You've got nothing to worry about. I had that

done when I was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up

they give you lots of Jell-O and Ice Cream. It's a breeze.'


The second kid then asks, 'What are you here for?'

The first kid says, 'A circumcision.'


Whoa!' the second kid replies.'Good luck buddy. I had that done when

I was born. Couldn't walk for a year.

[gblowfish]

A cruise on the Pacific goes all wrong, the ship sinks, and there are only 3 Survivors; Bob, Tom and Debbie.

They manage to swim to a small island and they live there for a couple of years doing what's natural for men and women to do.

After several years of casual sex, all the time, Debbie felt absolutely horrible about what she was doing.

She felt having sex with both Bob and Tom was so immoral and bad that she killed herself.

It was tragic, but Bob and Tom managed to get through it. After a while, Bob and Tom 's resistance to nature's urgings waned, and the inevitable happened.

Well, a couple more years went by and Bob and Tom began to feel absolutely horrible about what they were doing.




So they buried Debbie.

[gblowfish]

A fifth grade teacher sends her kids home with the homework to get their parents to tell them a story that has a moral.

The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories. There were all the regular type stuff, spilled milk and pennies saved.

But then teacher realized, much to her dismay, that only Ernie was left

"Ernie, do you have a story to share?"

"Yes ma'am. My daddy told a story about my Aunt Karen. She was a pilot in Desert Storm and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol and a survival knife.

She drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn't break and then her parachute landed right in the middle of twenty enemy troops. She shot fifteen of them with the gun until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands."

"Good Heavens" said the horrified teacher. "What kind of moral did your daddy tell you from this horrible story?"

"Stay the hell away from Aunt Karen when she's drinking."

[Rooster]

A blonde goes to a auto parts store and asks for a 710 cap.

Everybody look at each other and ask, “What’s a 710 cap?”

She says, “You know, it’s right on the engine. Mine got lost somehow and I need a new one.”


“What kind of a car is it?” they ask.


She says that it’s a Buick.


“OK, lady, how big is it?”


She makes a circle with her hands about 3 1/2 inches in diameter.


“What does it do?”


She says, “I don’t know, but it’s always been there.”


One of the guys gives her a note pad and asks her if she can draw a picture of it. So she makes a circle about 3 1/2 inches in diameter and in the center she writes 710.


The guys on the opposite side of the counter are looking at as she writes it… and they just fall down behind the counter laughing so hard.


One guy says, “I think you want an OIL cap!”

[Rooster]

A drunk was proudly showing off his new apartment to a couple of his friends late one night.

He led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong and a mallet.

“What’s with that big brass gong?” one of the guests asked.

"It’s not a gong. It’s a talking clock," the drunk replied.

“A talking clock? Seriously?” asked his astonished friend.

“Yup,” replied the drunk.

“How does it work?” the friend asked, squinting at it.

“Watch,” the drunk replied. He picked up the mallet, gave the gong an ear-shattering pound, and stepped back.

The three stood looking at one another for a moment.

Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed, “You a-hole! It’s three-fifteen in the morning!”

[blackhawk]

Just before an American wrestler takes on a Russian opponent, his coach warns him to avoid the Russky’s unbeatable “pretzel” move.

The match starts, and the Russian quickly gets the American doubled over in the pretzel. The coach can’t bear to watch…then he looks up to see his wrestler pinning the Russian.

“How’d you do it?” the coach asks after the match.

“I saw this pair of balls in front of my face,” the wrestler replies. “So I just bit them.” “It worked!” the coach exclaims.

“No,” says the wrestler. “But it’s amazing how strong you get when your testicles get bitten.”

[bkkcoh]

Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married. She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all.

One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepare tea. As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a cute glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filler with water, and in the water floated, of all things, a condom!

When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist.

‘Miss Beatrice’, he said, ‘I wonder if you would tell me about this?’ Pointing to the bowl. ‘Oh, yes,’ she replied, ‘isn’t it wonderful? I was walking through the park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. the directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven’t had the flu all winter?’

[bkkcoh]

I was riding to work yesterday when I observed a female driver, who cut right in front of a pickup truck, causing the driver to drive onto the shoulder to avoid hitting her.

This evidently angered the driver enough that he hung his arm out is window and gave the woman the finger.

''Man, that guy is stupid,'' I thought to myself. I ALWAYS smile nicely and wave in a sheepish manner whenever a female does anything to me in traffic, and here's why:

I drive 48 miles each way every day to work.

That's 96 miles each day.

Of these, 16 miles each way is bumper-to-bumper

Most of the bumper-to-bumper is on an 8 lane highway.

There are 7 cars every 40 feet for 32 miles.

That works out to 982 cars every mile, or 31,424 cars.

Even though the rest of the 32 miles is not bumper -to-bumper, I figure I pass at least another 4000 cars.

That brings the number to something like 36,000 cars that I pass every day.

Statistically, females drive half of these.

That's 18,000 women drivers!

In any given group of females, 1 in 28 has PMS.

That's 642.

According to Cosmopolitan, 70% describe their love life as dissatisfying or unrewarding.

That's 449.

According to the National Institute of Health, 22% of all females have

seriously considered suicide or homicide.

That's 98.

And 34% describe men as their biggest problem.

That's 33.

According to the National Rifle Association, 5% of all females carry weapons and this number is increasing.

That means that EVERY SINGLE DAY, I drive past at least one female that has a lousy love life, thinks men are her biggest problem, has seriously considered suicide or homicide, has PMS, and is armed.

Give her the finger?

I don't think so!

[Frankie]

There is a new study about women and how they feel about their asses. The results were very interesting. Here are the results of that study:


30% of women think their ass is too fat.........

10% of women think their ass is too skinny......

The remaining 60% say they don't care, they love him, he's a good man, and they wouldn't trade him for the world.

[Frankie]

Oldy but a goody (for the few who haven't heard some version of this):


A Polish man moved to the USA and married an American girl.

Although his English was far from perfect, they got along very well. Until one day he rushed into a lawyer's office and asked him if he could Arrange a divorce for him.

The lawyer said that getting a divorce would depend on the
circumstances, and asked him the following questions:

L: Have you any grounds?
P: Yes, an acre and half and nice little home.

L: No, I mean what is the foundation of this case?
P: It made of concrete.

L: I don't think you understand. Does either of you have a real grudge?
P: No, we have carport, and not need one.

L: I mean. What are your relations like?
P: All my relations still in Poland .

L: Is there any infidelity in your marriage?
P: We have hi-fidelity
stereo and good DVD player.

L: Does your wife beat you up?
P: No, I always up before her.

L: Is your wife a nagger?
P: No, she white.

L: Why do you want this divorce?
P: She going to kill me.

L: What makes you think that?
P: I got proof.

L: What kind of proof?
P: She going to poison me. She buy a bottle at
drugstore and put on shelf in bathroom. I can read, and it say: Polish Remover'.

[gblowfish]

Yesterday I checked into a motel room and said to the receptionist, "I hope the porn channel in my room is disabled."

"No," she said, "it's regular porn, you sick bastard."

[Stryker]

The Wongs



Su Wong marries Lee Wong. The next year, the Wongs have a new baby. The nurse brings over a lovely, healthy, bouncy, but definitely a Caucasian, WHITE baby boy. 'Congratulations,' says the nurse to the new parents. 'Well Mr. Wong, what will you and Mrs. Wong name the baby?' The puzzled father looks at his new baby boy and says, 'Well, two Wong's don't make a white, so I think we will name him...


Are you ready for this?






















Sum Ting Wong

[Frankie]

Originally Posted by Stryker

The Wongs

[bkkcoh]

One evening a grandson was talking to his grandfather about current events. The grandson asked his grandfather what he thought about the shootings at schools, the computer age, and just things in general.

The Grandfather replied, 'Well, let me think a minute, I was born before:

-- television

-- penicillin

-- polio shots

-- frozen foods

-- Xerox

-- contact lenses

-- Frisbees and

-- the pill

There were no:

-- credit cards

-- laser beams or

-- ball-point pens

-- Man had not invented:

-- pantyhose

-- air conditioners

-- dishwashers

-- clothes dryers

-- and the clothes were hung out to dry in the fresh air and

-- man hadn't yet walked on the moon

Your Grandmother and I got married first, . . And then lived together.

Every family had a father and a mother.

Until I was 25, I called every man older than me, 'Sir'. And after I turned 25, I still called policemen and every man with a title, 'Sir.'

We were before gay-rights, computer- dating, dual careers, daycare centers, and group therapy.

Our lives were governed by the Ten Commandments, good judgment, and common sense.

We were taught to know the difference between right and wrong and to stand up and take responsibility for our actions.

Serving your country was a privilege; living in this country was a bigger privilege.

We thought fast food was what people ate during Lent.

Having a meaningful relationship meant getting along with your cousins.

Draft dodgers were people who closed their front doors when the evening breeze started.

Time-sharing meant time the family spent together in the evenings and weekends-not purchasing condominiums.

We never heard of FM radios, tape decks, CDs, electric typewriters, yogurt, or guys wearing earrings.

We listened to the Big Bands, Jack Benny, and the President's speeches on our radios.

And I don't ever remember any kid blowing his brains out listening to Tommy Dorsey.

If you saw anything with 'Made in Japan ' on it, it was junk

The term 'making out' referred to how you did on your school exam.

Pizza Hut, McDonald's, and instant coffee were unheard of.

We had 5 & 10-cent stores where you could actually buy things for 5 and 10 cents.

Ice-cream cones, phone calls, rides on a streetcar, and a Pepsi were all a nickel.

And if you didn't want to splurge, you could spend your nickel on enough stamps to mail 1 letter and 2 postcards.

You could buy a new Chevy Coupe for $600, but who could afford one? Too bad, because gas was 11 cents a gallon.

In my day:

-- ''grass" was mowed,

-- ''coke" was a cold drink,

-- ''pot" was something your mother cooked in and

-- ''rock music" was your grandmother' s lullaby.

-- ''Aids" were helpers in the Principal's office,

-- ''chip" meant a piece of wood,

-- ''hardware" was found in a hardware store and

-- ''software" wasn't even a word.

And we were the last generation to actually believe that a lady needed a husband to have a baby. No wonder people call us 'old and confused' and say there is a generation gap. And how old do you think I am?

I bet you have this old man in mind. You are in for a shock! Read on to see -- pretty scary if you think about it and pretty sad at the same time.

Are you ready ?


This man would be only 53 years old, and that was life back in 1955.

How times have changed!