Clean jokes can be funny too!

[Frankie]

Or at least good for a chuckle. Here's something completely different (for this BB). This thread is dedicated to ONLY CLEAN JOKES. Please post any clean joke that you find funny or at least amusing. We will not call you "dorks." Not in this thread. Let's see what you've got,... and share them.

Don't worry about repeat jokes. Nobody has time to check all posts.

[wildwill2112]

So a termite walks into a bar and asks where is the bar tender.

[Gonzo]

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, 'Well, I'm off
now. The man should be here soon.'

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. 'Good
morning, Ma'am', he said, 'I've come to...'

'Oh, no need to explain,' Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, 'I've
been expecting you.'

'Have you really?' said the photographer. 'Well, that's good.
Did you know babies are my specialty?'

'Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat !.

After a moment she asked, blushing, 'Well, where do we start?'

'Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there.'

'Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for
Harry and me!'

'Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time.
But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven
angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results.'

'My, that's a lot!', gasped Mrs. Smith.

'Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be In and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed
with that.'

'Don't I know it,' said Mrs. Smith quietly.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio
of his baby pictures. 'This was done on the top of a bus,' he said.

'Oh, my God!' Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.

'And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with.'

'She was difficult?' asked Mrs. Smith.

'Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look'

'Four and five deep?' said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.

'Yes', the photographer replied. 'And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots.
Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had
to pack it all in.'

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. 'Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh...equipment?'

'It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away.'

'Tripod?'

'Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand very long.'
Mrs. Smith fainted

[bkkcoh]

Dan was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the
family business. When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune
when his sickly father died, he decided he needed a wife with which to
share his fortune.
One evening at an investment meeting he spotted the most beautiful woman
he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away.
'I may look like just an ordinary man,' he said to her, but in just a
few years, my father will die, and I'll inherit $65 million.'
Impressed, the woman obtained his business card and three days later,
she became his stepmother.


Women are so much better at financial planning than men.

[bkkcoh]

Personnel executives of 100 major corporations were asked for stories of unusual behavior by job applicants.

1. "... he stretched out on the floor to fill out the job application."

2. "She wore a Walkman and said she could listen to me and the music at the same time."

3. " A balding candidate abruptly excused himself. Returned to office a few minutes later, wearing a hairpiece."

4. "... asked to see interviewer's resume to see if the personnel executive was qualified to judge the candidate."

5. "... announced she hadn't had lunch and proceeded to eat a hamburger and french fries in the interviewer's office--wiping the ketchup on her sleeve"

6. "Stated that, if he were hired, he would demonstrate his loyalty by having the corporate logo tattooed on his forearm."

7. "Interrupted to phone his therapist for advice on answering specific interview questions."

8. "When I asked him about his hobbies, he stood up and started tap dancing around my office."

9. "At the end of the interview, while I stood there dumb-struck, went through my purse, took out a brush, brushed his hair, and left."

10. "... pulled out a Polaroid camera and snapped a flash picture of me. Said he collected photos of everyone who interviewed him."

11. "Said he wasn't interested because the position paid too much."

12. "During the interview, an alarm clock went off from the candidate's brief case. He took it out, shut it off, apologized, and said he had to leave for another interview."

13. "A telephone call came in for the job applicant. It was from his wife. His side of the conversation went like this: "Which company? When do I start? What's the salary?" I said, "I assume you're not interested in conducting the interview any further." He promptly responded, "I am as long as you'll pay me more." "I didn't hire him, but later found out there was no other job offer. It was a scam to get a higher offer."

14. "Candidate said he really didn't want to get a job, but the unemployment office needed proof that he was looking for one."

15. "Pointing to a black case he carried into my office, he said that if he was not hired, the bomb would go off. Disbelieving, I began to state why he would never be hired and that I was going to call the police. He then reached down to the case, flipped a switch and ran. No one was injured, but I did need to get a new desk."

[seclark]

A man comes home from an exhausting day at work, plops down on the couch in front of the television, and tells his wife, "Get me a beer before it starts." The wife sighs and gets him a beer.
Fifteen minutes later, the man says, "Get me another beer before it starts."
She looks cross, but fetches another beer and slams it down next to him.
He finishes that beer and a few minutes later says, "Quick, get me another beer, it's going to start any minute."
The wife is furious. She yells at him, "Is that all you're going to do tonight? Drink beer and sit in front of that TV? You’re nothing but a lazy, drunken, fat slob, and furthermore..."
The man sighs and says, "It’s started".

sec

[ROYC75]

WRONG EMAIL ADDRESS

A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a
particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier. Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules. So, the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day.

The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without realizing his error, sent the email.

Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston , a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister who was called home to glory following a heart attack. The widow decided to check her email expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted. The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read :

To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I've Arrived
Date: October 16, 2007

I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in.

I've seen that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then!!!!

Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.

P.S. Sure is freaking hot down here!!!!

[Frankie]

An elderly lady is sitting on a park bench. There's a stranger sitting on the other end of the bench. After a while she turns to him and asks, "Are you new in this town?"

"No," answers the man, "I've lived here before, but not for the last 20 years."

"Where did you go then?" she asks.

"I was in prison," replies the stranger.

"Why were you in prison?"

"I killed my wife."

There's a long pause and then she says, " Oh!,..... then you are single."

[bkkcoh]

Unfortunately, as I have gotten older, I have become a little less
sensitive.

So, after trying my new job as a Wal-Mart greeter, last weekend (a good
find for many retirees), I lasted less than a day ......

About two hours into my first day on the job a very loud, coyote ugly,
nasty woman walked into the store with her two kids,
yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.

As I had been instructed, I said pleasantly, 'Good morning, and welcome to Wal-Mart. Nice children you have there. Are they twins?'

The ugly, nasty woman stopped yelling long enough to say, 'Hell no,
they ain't twins. The oldest one's 9, and the other one's 7. Why the hell
would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?'

So I replied, 'I'm neither blind nor stupid, Ma'am. I just find it hard
to believe you got laid twice. Have a good day and thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart.'

My 25 year old supervisor said I probably wasn't cut out for this line of
work ........ soooo maybe I'll go fishing.

[acasas4]

Yesterday I was buying 2 large bags of Purina dog chow at
> Wal-Mart, for my dogs Winston, Chief, Gus, and Maximus. I was
> about to check out when a woman behind me asked if I had a
> dog. What did she think, that I had an elephant?
>
> Since I had little else to do, on impulse, I told her that
> no, I didn't have a dog, and that I was starting the
> Purina Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because
> I ended up in the hospital last time.. On the bright side
> though, I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an
> intensive care ward with tubes coming out of every hole in
> my body and IVs in both arms.
>
> I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that
> the way that it works is to load your pockets with Purina
> nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry
> and that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going
> to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically
> everyone in the line was enthralled with my story by now.)
>
> Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care
> because the dog food had poisoned me.. I told her no; I had
> stopped in the middle of the parking lot to lick my butt and
> a car hit me.
>
> I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart
> attack, he was laughing so hard!
>
> WAL-MART won't let me shop there anymore.

[blazzin311]

crazy cool light formations made by farmers with sheep. Check it out.
Subject: The good shepherds


Must be New Zealand!

http://www.crazydaysandnights.net/20...h-time-on.html

[Lumpy]

Hmmmm.... farmers w/ sheep. Why am I scared to click the link?

[blazzin311]

i was hesitant at first too. got it in an email from a co-worker and was a bit iffy about it til i watched the vid. Pretty cool really.

[blazzin311]

Winter Statistic


98% OF AMERICANS SAY 'OH SHIT' BEFORE GOING IN THE DITCH ON A SLIPPERY ROAD.

THE OTHER 2% ARE FROM WISCONSIN AND THEY SAY, 'HOLD MY BEER AND WATCH THIS.'

[Gonzo]

http://www.chiefsplanet.com/BB/showt...35#post4592035

Just Sayin...You know?

[blazzin311]

It's a Hot item. A surefire must have.