The Great American Menu: Foods Of The States, Ranked And Mapped

[listopencil]

What are the United States' best regional foodstuffs? Its worst? These are the questions that bedevil the mind of man—but no longer! For here, we have ranked them. Rigorously scientific (not), ardently researched (nope), and scrupulously fair (not even a little bit): this is the Great American Menu!
Each state (plus the District of Columbia) gets one, and only one, signature foodstuff. And we selected actual food preparations; no state gets credit merely for being the geographic location where a certain edible flora or fauna happens to grow or swim or graze. But enough of that bullshit. On to the rankings! (For a full-size version of Jim Cooke's map, click here.)

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The Greats

1. Chicago-style deep-dish pizza (Illinois)

Man is mortal. He frolics upon the grass of life for but a short season, and then is snatched back to the inanimate dirt of his origin. The Chicago-style deep-dish pizza, America's greatest regional foodstuff—all those toppings, good God so much cheese and meat, I can hear my heartbeat, this can't be right, it sounds like a goddamn chainsaw, can that be right?—will greatly hasten that day's arrival, but it will also fill at least a little part of at least one of those days with a transcendent, mind-boggling, outrageously indulgent sensory experience. This is the best thing any food can do, and certainly far beyond the capabilities of [stares daggers at New York] a sheet of soggy cardboard with a flap of waxy melted cheese stretched across it.

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2. Shrimp and grits (South Carolina)

Shrimp. Grits. Tasty, satisfying, authentically South Carolinian. Perfect.

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3. Mission-style burrito (California)

The Mission-style burrito is especially great because, nowadays, you don't have to go all the way to California to get a good one. In fact, you can even leave California at 125 miles per hour, screaming and crying because your organ systems are rightly rejecting the state of California like a grafted-on walrus tail because California is awful, and still get a tasty Mission-style burrito pretty much wherever you end up! This is because a Mission-style burrito is just a really fuggin' large burrito with extra rice and (figurative) shit in it. Mmmmmmmm.

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4. Crab cake (Maryland)

As we've established (here, here, and here), blue crab—particularly the Chesapeake blue crab—is the best of all ingestibles. However, the Maryland crab cake ranks fourth on this list, simply because so many of the various foodstuffs calling themselves crab cakes are really just mildly crab-flavored bread wads for ninnies, which are nonetheless priced as though they contain some quantity of actual by-God crabmeat measurable in units larger than the zeptogram. This means that the best way to obtain a genuine crabcake, rather than an OldBayseasoningandcrushedcrackerscake, is to make one at home—and, so long as you can find yourself a tub of crabmeat to work with, you don't have to be anywhere near Maryland to do that. (That's a good thing. Maryland drivers. Holy shit.)

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5. Peach pie/cobbler (Georgia)

Peaches are good. Pie crust and/or biscuit dough are/is good. Good on ya, Georgia.

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6. Gumbo (Louisiana)

Yeah, yeah, Louisiana also has the po' boy and the beignet, but really, those are New Orleans foods, and New Orleans already thinks more than highly enough of itself. Besides, neither of those is as tasty as Creole gumbo, which, factually, is the sole credible argument for not sinking that state into the Gulf of Mexico.

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7. Key lime pie (Florida)
1
But what about the Cuban sandwich?!?!?!?! First of all, there's some controversy about the Cuban sandwich's origins: Either it is from Cuba, in which case it is Cuba's sandwich and not Florida's, or it is from Tampa, in which case it is not a Cuban sandwich and has a dumb name, in which case it sucks because things from Tampa suck because Tampa sucks. In any case it is not as definitively Floridian as Key lime pie, which originated in Florida and is made with ingredients—Key limes—that are native to Florida and nowhere else. (It also doesn't taste as good as Key lime pie. So there.) Anyway Key lime pie is very good and I don't know how we wound up talking about the Cuban sandwich this whole time so let's just move on.

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8. Fried green tomatoes (Alabama)

... at the Whistle Stop Cafe, yawl! There is nothing to say about fried green tomatoes. They taste very good and you should eat some.

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[lewdog]

Yup, Testicles.

That does seem about right.

[chiefzilla1501]

Originally Posted by NJChiefsFan

It's the taste. Chains and mid west( thin slice) pizza is a joke compared to nj/ ny pizza IMO. I'm biased but i thought that one was just anger about ny attitude instead of a legit breakdown of the regions pizza. I know some ex ny/nj people now in Midwest that crave real pizza. Maybe they are just biased too.

I hate midwest pizza. Either thin crust or far too doughy. This guy's an idiot. New York Pizza is phenomenal.

Just because the guy doesn't like Philly, doesn't mean that the Philly isn't the obvious choice for Pennsylvania food. Is he ****ing serious? I don't know if I've ever seen a sandwich shop outside of that area serve Phillys on that delicious bread with toppings like cheese wiz.

[FD]

I thought this was pretty terrible until I got to the rant on Cincinatti chili, then I loved it. Spot on.

[vailpass]

Originally Posted by chiefzilla1501

I hate midwest pizza. Either thin crust or far too doughy. This guy's an idiot. New York Pizza is phenomenal.

Just because the guy doesn't like Philly, doesn't mean that the Philly isn't the obvious choice for Pennsylvania food. Is he ****ing serious? I don't know if I've ever seen a sandwich shop outside of that area serve Phillys on that delicious bread with toppings like cheese wiz.

Genos. Without.

[frozenchief]

Agudaq in Alaska is disgusting when made with lard. I cannot imagine it with whale fat, although whale meat is pretty good. Seal and walrus are disgusting. The meat is tough and stringy and it tastes like rotten fish. Cincinnati chili is better than Agudaq*

Washington got salmon, which is bogus. Washington should get oysters and Alaska get salmon. You can say 'whoop-de-do', but nothing tastes better than fresh real salmon pulled from the river, still bright and silver from the ocean. With flesh a deep orange from eating shrimp rather than a neon orange from due pellets, fresh salmon grilled over a fire by a riverside while drinking a good Alaska beer (we have a ton of breweries up here) is hard to beat. It should be in the top 10. Sure beats some damn pizza.


Pronounced 'ah-goo-duck'. Pronounce quickly and in the back of your throw. For a isthe tic pronunciation, do not move your low jaw when saying the word.

[listopencil]

Is Cheez Whiz really such a great sandwich topping?

[vailpass]

Originally Posted by listopencil

Is Cheez Whiz really such a great sandwich topping?

Not to me but to many it is.
When you order a cheese steak in Philly you simply say "with" or "without". They know what you mean...

[listopencil]

Originally Posted by vailpass

Not to me but to many it is.
When you order a cheese steak in Philly you simply say "with" or "without". They know what you mean...

Ah, OK. I would put pepper jack on mine. Even mozzarella, or a sharp cheddar.

[The Franchise]

13 years in SD and I've never heard of or seen any chislic.

[vailpass]

Originally Posted by Pestilence

13 years in SD and I've never heard of or seen any chislic.

Wtf is that?

[The Franchise]

Originally Posted by vailpass

Wtf is that?

No clue. Apparently it's beef cubes on a stick. I've never heard of it.

And I can vouch that chimichangas are not AZ's food.

[listopencil]

Chislic
A serving of beef chislic at a restaurant in Sioux Falls, SD.


Chislic (or sometimes chislick) is a traditional dish of cubed red meat most commonly localized to the state of South Dakota in the United States. The term, while non-specific to any particular meat or seasoning, generally describes wild game, mutton, or beef which is deep-fried or grilled, and served hot on a skewer or toothpick.
Traditional chislic is mutton. Other meat are variations due to unavailability or lack of knowledge.

Etymology

The word chislic is likely derived from the Russian word of shashlik or shashlyk, which is cubed meat or liver grilled on a skewer with tomatoes, peppers, and onions. The origin of the word shashlyk is rooted in shish kebab, the Turkish and Arabic words for skewered meats.^[1] According to some sources, chislic was introduced into the United States by John Hoellwarth, who immigrated from Crimea to Hutchinson County, South Dakota in the 1870s.^[2]
It can be made from a variety of red meats such as venison, bison, elk, lamb and beef. Originally, chislic may have been made from lamb or sheep, rather than the currently popular beef sirloin.
Preparation

Chislic is typically a simple preparation. Cubes of cut lamb, beef or venison, generally no bigger than a half-inch, are cooked in a deep-fryer. Generally, chislic is served medium rare to medium—i.e. warm pink inside. After cooking, while the meat cools on a paper towel, it is seasoned with seasoned or garlic salt. The cubes are eaten hot using toothpicks.
Regional differences

Chislic may vary slightly in preparation from region to region.
In the Pierre area, chislic is a marinated meat, dipped in batter and deep-fat fried. It has been offered as an alternative to Rocky Mountain oysters. The marinades vary and are often family secrets.
In the Sioux Falls area, chislic, usually deep fried mutton, is a popular bar food to accompany cold beer. It is often served with salt, soda crackers and hot sauce.
In the southeastern South Dakota communities of Menno and Freeman, chislic is generally prepared deep-fried in restaurants. The meat is almost invariably lamb, but wild game chislic, such as venison, may appear when in season. It is traditionally seasoned with garlic salt and eaten with soda crackers. The small, blunt skewer - or sometimes a toothpick – usually holds five or six cubes of meat. The same dish is also served grilled when prepared for large groups, such as gatherings at community organization fund-raisers or baseball games during the Fourth of July. The grilled variety is sometimes cooked with a brushing of barbecue sauce.
Annually in Freeman, SD, a chislic feast is held. Chislic can be found in Scotland, SD as well as other southeastern South Dakota towns. The local bars sometimes hold chislic feasts where more than 1200 sticks of chislic may be consumed.

[vailpass]

Originally Posted by Pestilence

No clue. Apparently it's beef cubes on a stick. I've never heard of it.

And I can vouch that chimichangas are not AZ's food.

Shish kebab?

And yeah, chimichangas? I can think of many before that fried thing...

[listopencil]

Originally Posted by vailpass

Shish kebab?

And yeah, chimichangas? I can think of many before that fried thing...

Looks like it is pretty much shish kebab with just the meat, served on toothpicks, traditionally using lamb, but other red meats are often (if not typically) substituted in the modern dish.

[The Franchise]

Originally Posted by listopencil

Looks like it is pretty much shish kebab with just the meat, served on toothpicks, traditionally using lamb, but other red meats are often (if not typically) substituted in the modern dish.

And in 13 years I've never seen or heard about it. My Mom's side of the family are all from there and still live there....and I've never heard them talk about it.

Sofa King would be a good one to ask....he's from there.