Funny Stuff Clean jokes can be funny too! - Page 46

Frankie · 05:17 PM

Or at least good for a chuckle. Here's something completely different (for this BB). This thread is dedicated to ONLY CLEAN JOKES. Please post any clean joke that you find funny or at least amusing. We will not call you "dorks." Not in this thread. Let's see what you've got,... and share them.

Don't worry about repeat jokes. Nobody has time to check all posts.

Buddy Rich · 12-03-2009, 12:12 PM

a black guy walks into a bar with a beautiful parrot on his shoulder. the bartender looks at him and asks "where did you get that?"

the parrot replies "Africa".

CoMoChief · 12-03-2009, 12:19 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Buddy Rich

a black guy walks into a bar with a beautiful parrot on his shoulder. the bartender looks at him and asks "where did you get that?"

the parrot replies "Africa".

CoMoChief · 12-03-2009, 02:16 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Delano

Joke

Ralph arrived at his Internal Revenue Service audit accompanied by another man. The IRS guy assumed the other man was Ralph's attorney.

Going over his records, the IRS official said, "Well, sir, it appears that you live at a much higher level than your reported employment income. How do you explain that?"

Ralph replied, "I love to gamble and I usually win."

The skeptical official gave him a disbelieving look.

"I can prove it," said Ralph. "How about a demonstration?"

The official thought a moment and said, "Okay. Go ahead."

Ralph said, "I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye."

The auditor thought a moment and said, "No way! It's a bet!"

Ralph removed his glass eye and bit it.

The official's jaw dropped. Ralph said, "Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye."

The official could tell Ralph wasn't blind, so he took the bet.

Ralph then removed his dentures and bit his good eye.

The stunned official was now three grand in the hole

"Want to go double or nothing?" Ralph asked. "I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on your desk and piss into that wastebasket by the door over there and never get a drop anywhere in between."

The auditor, twice burned, was cautious now, but there's no way this guy could manage that stunt, so he agreed again!

Ralph climbed up on the auditor's desk, missed the wastebasket completely, and pretty much peed all over the desk.

The official grinned. He had just turned a huge loss into a huge win! But then he noticed that Ralph's friend looked ashen and was visibly shaking.

"Are you okay?" he asked.

The man replied, "Not really. Before we arrived, Ralph bet me twenty thousand dollars he'd piss on your desk and you'd be happy about it!"

ROYC75 · 12-14-2009, 10:11 PM

A guy took his blond girl friend to her 1st NFL Football game. After the game he asked what she thought, she said it was OK.I liked the tight pants, the muscles, some of them were cute and then they started fighting.

OK he said, just OK ? Fighting ?

Yes she said, I mean, really, they flip a coin before the game then spend time for 2 hours beating each other up. They kept saying get the quarter back, get the quarter back.

I'm like WOW, what's up with that? It's only 25 cents.

clyde05 · 12-15-2009, 02:31 AM

How do mexicans get baptized?

Bean Dip

**TrebMaxx** · 01-15-2010, 04:43 PM

Did you hear about the new underwear for terrorist?

Fruit of Kaboom!

**gblowfish** · 01-22-2010, 01:30 PM

Last night, my kids and I were sitting in the living room and I said to them, 'I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle.

'If that ever happens, just pull the plug.'

They got up, unplugged the computer, and threw out my wine.

**gblowfish** · 06-07-2010, 07:17 PM

A farmer decided he wanted to go to town and see a movie.

The ticket agent asked, "Sir, what's that on your shoulder?"

The old farmer said, "That's my pet rooster chuck. Wherever I go, Chuck goes."

"I'm sorry sir," said the ticket agent. "We can't allow animals in the theater."

The old farmer went around the corner and stuffed chuck down his overalls. Then he returned to the booth, bought a ticket, and entered the theater and sat down next to Mildred and Marge, two old widows.

The movie started and the rooster began to squirm. The old farmer unbuttoned his fly so chuck could stick his head out and watch the movie.

"Marge," whispered Mildred. "I think the guy next to me is a pervert."

"What makes you think so?" asked Marge.

"He undid his pants and he has his thing out," Mildred whispered.

"Well, don't worry about it", said Marge. "At our age we've seen 'em all"

"I thought so too," said Mildred. "But this one's eatin' my popcorn!"

Extra Point · 10-12-2010, 10:37 AM

A traveling salesman trying to make a buck was driving and decided to stop at a farmhouse coming up on his left. He was walking up the driveway toward the house, and a pig with two legs caught his eye. It was walking on his two front feet through the grass.
When the farmer answered the door and asked what he was selling, the salesman first asked about the two legged pig.
"That pig is the most amazing pig in the land, son." The farmer said
"Three years ago in August, our house caught fire when we were all asleep and that pig ran in and woke us all up one by one and saved our lives!"
The salesman was surprised. "That is one special pig" He said.
The Farmer replied, "That's not all. This past spring, that pig jumped into the pond and pulled my drowning son to safety. He would have died."
The salesman was in disbelief as to how incredible this pig was. "One question. Why does he have two legs, is it from the fire?" He asked
"Nope, a pig like that you just don't eat all at one time. Been two Easters since that fire."

**gblowfish** · 02-06-2011, 11:17 AM

The husband leans over and asks his wife, 'Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you.'

Yes, she says, 'I remember it well.'

OK,' he says, 'How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?'

Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!'

A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them.

The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence. The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.

The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.

After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is.

So, as the couple passes, he says to them,' Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?'

Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply,

'Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence.'

Frankie · 02-06-2011, 10:21 PM

A man buys a lie detector robot which slaps people who lie.

He decides to test it at home in the evening.

DAD : Son, where were you today during school hours?

SON : At School.

Robot slaps son!

SON : Ok, I lied, I went to the movies.

DAD : Which one?

SON : Toy Story.

Robot slaps son again!

SON : Ok, it was porn.

DAD : ...What?! When I was your age, I didn't even know what porn was...

Robot slaps Dad!

MOM : forgive him dear, after all he is your son.

Robot slaps mom.

Frankie · 02-25-2011, 10:40 AM

An American tourist in London decides to skip his tour group and explore the city on his own. He wanders around, seeing the sights, occasionally stopping at a quaint pub to soak up the local culture, chat with the locals, and have a pint of bitter.

After a while, he finds himself in a very nice neighborhood with big, stately residences...no pubs, no stores, no restaurants, and worst of all NO PUBLIC RESTROOMS.

He really, really has to go, after all those Guinnesses. He finds a narrow side street, with high walls surrounding the adjacent buildings and decides to use the wall to solve his problem.

As he is unzipping, he is tapped on the shoulder by a London police officer, who says, "I say, sir, you simply cannot do that here, you know."

"I'm very sorry, officer," replies the American, "but I really, really have to go, and I just can't find a public restroom."

"Ah, yes," said the policeman..."Just follow me". He leads the American to a back delivery alley to a gate, which he opens.

"In there," points the policeman. "Go ahead sir, anywhere you like."
The fellow enters and finds himself in the most beautiful garden he has ever seen. Manicured grass lawns, statuary, fountains, sculptured hedges, and huge beds of gorgeous flowers, all in perfect bloom.

Since he has the policeman's blessing, he relieves himself and feels much more comfortable. As he goes back through the gate, he says to the police officer, "That was really decent of you... is that what you call English hospitality?"

"No sir...", replied the police officer, "...that is what we call the French Embassy."

JD10367 · 06-30-2011, 10:20 AM

Substitute the ethnicity if you prefer.

--------------------------------------

A customer asked, "In what aisle could I find the Polish sausage?"

The clerk asks, "Are you Polish?"

The guy, clearly offended, says, "Yes I am. But let me ask you something. If I had asked for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian? Or if I had asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German? Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was Jewish? Or if I had asked for a Taco, would you ask if I was Mexican? Or if I asked for some Irish whiskey, would you ask if I was Irish?"

The clerk says, "No, I probably wouldn't."

The guy says, "Well then, because I asked for Polish sausage, why did you ask me if I'm Polish?"

The clerk replied, "Because you're in Home Depot."

**RealSNR** · 06-30-2011, 10:48 AM

A man goes into a doctor's office. The doctor examines him and discovers that the man has five dicks.

The doctor goes, "That's amazing! How do your pants fit?"

The man replies, "Like a glove"

tooge · 06-30-2011, 11:10 AM

grasshopper hops into a bar. Bartender sees him and says
"hey, we have a drink named after you!"
Grasshopper replies
"you have a drink named Steve?"

09-25-2005, 09:00 AM
Frankie Banned Join Date: Jul 2001 Casino cash: $10004900	Clean jokes can be funny too! Or at least good for a chuckle. Here's something completely different (for this BB). This thread is dedicated to ONLY CLEAN JOKES. Please post any clean joke that you find funny or at least amusing. We will not call you "dorks." Not in this thread. Let's see what you've got,... and share them. Don't worry about repeat jokes. Nobody has time to check all posts. Last edited by Frankie; 07-10-2011 at 05:17 PM..
Posts: 26,959

12-03-2009, 12:12 PM	#676
Buddy Rich Exasperated Join Date: Dec 2004 Location: Africa Casino cash: $5114965	a black guy walks into a bar with a beautiful parrot on his shoulder. the bartender looks at him and asks "where did you get that?" the parrot replies "Africa".
Posts: 1,141

12-14-2009, 10:11 PM	#679
ROYC75 Time For Your Wake Up Call !!! Join Date: Oct 2000 Location: Barn Yard Casino cash: $5539400	A guy took his blond girl friend to her 1st NFL Football game. After the game he asked what she thought, she said it was OK.I liked the tight pants, the muscles, some of them were cute and then they started fighting. OK he said, just OK ? Fighting ? Yes she said, I mean, really, they flip a coin before the game then spend time for 2 hours beating each other up. They kept saying get the quarter back, get the quarter back. I'm like WOW, what's up with that? It's only 25 cents. __________________ Our society is run by insane people for insane objectives. I think we're being run by maniacs for maniacal ends and I think I'm liable to be put away as insane for expressing that. That's what's insane about it. John Lennon
Posts: 37,002

12-15-2009, 02:31 AM	#680
clyde05 Arrowhead Rowdies Join Date: Aug 2006 Location: Palm Harbor, Florida Casino cash: $10005269	How do mexicans get baptized? Bean Dip __________________
Posts: 690

01-15-2010, 04:43 PM	#681
TrebMaxx Supporter Join Date: Nov 2005 Location: Peoples Republic of CoMo Casino cash: $1317252	Did you hear about the new underwear for terrorist? Fruit of Kaboom!
Posts: 4,329

01-22-2010, 01:30 PM	#682
gblowfish Be Kind To Your Pets Join Date: Jun 2002 Location: Glorious Independence, MO Casino cash: $17646178 VARSITY	Last night, my kids and I were sitting in the living room and I said to them, 'I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. 'If that ever happens, just pull the plug.' They got up, unplugged the computer, and threw out my wine.
Posts: 40,839

06-07-2010, 07:17 PM	#683
gblowfish Be Kind To Your Pets Join Date: Jun 2002 Location: Glorious Independence, MO Casino cash: $17646178 VARSITY	A farmer decided he wanted to go to town and see a movie. The ticket agent asked, "Sir, what's that on your shoulder?" The old farmer said, "That's my pet rooster chuck. Wherever I go, Chuck goes." "I'm sorry sir," said the ticket agent. "We can't allow animals in the theater." The old farmer went around the corner and stuffed chuck down his overalls. Then he returned to the booth, bought a ticket, and entered the theater and sat down next to Mildred and Marge, two old widows. The movie started and the rooster began to squirm. The old farmer unbuttoned his fly so chuck could stick his head out and watch the movie. "Marge," whispered Mildred. "I think the guy next to me is a pervert." "What makes you think so?" asked Marge. "He undid his pants and he has his thing out," Mildred whispered. "Well, don't worry about it", said Marge. "At our age we've seen 'em all" "I thought so too," said Mildred. "But this one's eatin' my popcorn!"
Posts: 40,839

10-12-2010, 10:37 AM	#684
Extra Point MVP Join Date: Sep 2005 Location: Prairie Village, KS Casino cash: $10004900	Amazing Piggy Update A traveling salesman trying to make a buck was driving and decided to stop at a farmhouse coming up on his left. He was walking up the driveway toward the house, and a pig with two legs caught his eye. It was walking on his two front feet through the grass. When the farmer answered the door and asked what he was selling, the salesman first asked about the two legged pig. "That pig is the most amazing pig in the land, son." The farmer said "Three years ago in August, our house caught fire when we were all asleep and that pig ran in and woke us all up one by one and saved our lives!" The salesman was surprised. "That is one special pig" He said. The Farmer replied, "That's not all. This past spring, that pig jumped into the pond and pulled my drowning son to safety. He would have died." The salesman was in disbelief as to how incredible this pig was. "One question. Why does he have two legs, is it from the fire?" He asked "Nope, a pig like that you just don't eat all at one time. Been two Easters since that fire." Attached Thumbnails __________________ "Sometimes I sits and thinks, and sometimes I just sits." --Satchel Paige
Posts: 7,845

02-06-2011, 11:17 AM	#685
gblowfish Be Kind To Your Pets Join Date: Jun 2002 Location: Glorious Independence, MO Casino cash: $17646178 VARSITY	The husband leans over and asks his wife, 'Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you.' Yes, she says, 'I remember it well.' OK,' he says, 'How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?' Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!' A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them. The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence. The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground. The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know. After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is. So, as the couple passes, he says to them,' Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?' Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply, 'Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence.'
Posts: 40,839

02-06-2011, 10:21 PM	#686
Frankie Banned Join Date: Jul 2001 Casino cash: $10004900	A man buys a lie detector robot which slaps people who lie. He decides to test it at home in the evening. DAD : Son, where were you today during school hours? SON : At School. Robot slaps son! SON : Ok, I lied, I went to the movies. DAD : Which one? SON : Toy Story. Robot slaps son again! SON : Ok, it was porn. DAD : ...What?! When I was your age, I didn't even know what porn was... Robot slaps Dad! MOM : forgive him dear, after all he is your son. Robot slaps mom.
Posts: 26,959

02-25-2011, 10:40 AM	#687
Frankie Banned Join Date: Jul 2001 Casino cash: $10004900	An American tourist in London decides to skip his tour group and explore the city on his own. He wanders around, seeing the sights, occasionally stopping at a quaint pub to soak up the local culture, chat with the locals, and have a pint of bitter. After a while, he finds himself in a very nice neighborhood with big, stately residences...no pubs, no stores, no restaurants, and worst of all NO PUBLIC RESTROOMS. He really, really has to go, after all those Guinnesses. He finds a narrow side street, with high walls surrounding the adjacent buildings and decides to use the wall to solve his problem. As he is unzipping, he is tapped on the shoulder by a London police officer, who says, "I say, sir, you simply cannot do that here, you know." "I'm very sorry, officer," replies the American, "but I really, really have to go, and I just can't find a public restroom." "Ah, yes," said the policeman..."Just follow me". He leads the American to a back delivery alley to a gate, which he opens. "In there," points the policeman. "Go ahead sir, anywhere you like." The fellow enters and finds himself in the most beautiful garden he has ever seen. Manicured grass lawns, statuary, fountains, sculptured hedges, and huge beds of gorgeous flowers, all in perfect bloom. Since he has the policeman's blessing, he relieves himself and feels much more comfortable. As he goes back through the gate, he says to the police officer, "That was really decent of you... is that what you call English hospitality?" "No sir...", replied the police officer, "...that is what we call the French Embassy."
Posts: 26,959

06-30-2011, 10:20 AM	#688
JD10367 Cheaterlover* Join Date: May 2009 Location: RI Casino cash: $10010716	Substitute the ethnicity if you prefer. -------------------------------------- A customer asked, "In what aisle could I find the Polish sausage?" The clerk asks, "Are you Polish?" The guy, clearly offended, says, "Yes I am. But let me ask you something. If I had asked for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian? Or if I had asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German? Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was Jewish? Or if I had asked for a Taco, would you ask if I was Mexican? Or if I asked for some Irish whiskey, would you ask if I was Irish?" The clerk says, "No, I probably wouldn't." The guy says, "Well then, because I asked for Polish sausage, why did you ask me if I'm Polish?" The clerk replied, "Because you're in Home Depot."
Posts: 12,916

06-30-2011, 11:10 AM	#690
tooge MVP Join Date: Feb 2007 Location: Liberty, MO Casino cash: $3824112	grasshopper hops into a bar. Bartender sees him and says "hey, we have a drink named after you!" Grasshopper replies "you have a drink named Steve?"
Posts: 15,062