Funny Stuff Clean jokes can be funny too! - Page 34

Frankie · 05:17 PM

Or at least good for a chuckle. Here's something completely different (for this BB). This thread is dedicated to ONLY CLEAN JOKES. Please post any clean joke that you find funny or at least amusing. We will not call you "dorks." Not in this thread. Let's see what you've got,... and share them.

Don't worry about repeat jokes. Nobody has time to check all posts.

Rooster · 05-13-2008, 08:17 AM

A doctor and his wife are having a fight at the breakfast table. The husband gets up in a rage and says, "And you’re no good in bed either," and storms out of the house. After sometime he realizes he was nasty and decides to make amends and calls home.

His wife comes to the phone after many rings and the irritated husband says, "What took you so long to answer the phone?"

"I was in bed," she answers.

"In bed this early, doing what?" shouts the doctor.

"Getting a second opinion!"

**chasedude** · 05-13-2008, 06:22 PM

A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see that his bed was nicely made and everything was picked up.Then he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow that was addressed to 'Dad.'

With the worst premonition he opened the envelope with trembling hands and read the letter.

Dear Dad:

It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you. I have been finding real passion with Stacy and she is so nice.
But I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercings,tattoos, tight motorcycle clothes and the fact that she is much older than I am.

But it's not only the passion...Dad she's pregnant.

Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children.

Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people that live nearby for cocaine and ecstasy.

In the meantime we will pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Stacy can get better. She deserves it.

Don't worry Dad. I'm 15 and I know how to take care of myself. Someday I'm sure that we will be back to visit so that you can get toknow your grandchildren.

Love,
Your Son John,

P.S. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the report card that's in my center desk drawer.

I love you.

Call me when it's safe to come home.

Monty · 05-16-2008, 11:01 AM

I was walking past the mental hospital the other day, and all the patients were shouting, "13! 13! 13! 13!"

The fence was too high to see over, but I saw a little gap in the planks and looked through to see what was going on.

Some bastard poked me in the eye with a stick.

Then they all started shouting, "14! 14! 14! 14!"

Rooster · 05-21-2008, 10:12 AM

Old man Murphy had worked down at the brewery for years, but one day he just wasn't paying attention and he tripped on the walkway and fell over into the beer vat and drowned.

The foreman thought it should be his job to inform the widow Murphy of her old man's death. He showed up at the front door and rang the bell. When she came to the door, he said, "I'm sorry to tell you, but poor old Murphy passed away at work today when he fell into the vat and drowned."

She wept and covered her face with her apron and after a time, between sobs, she asked, "Tell me, did he suffer?"

"I don't think so," said the foreman: "He got out three times to go to the men's room."

Rooster · 05-27-2008, 11:34 AM

"How was your golf game, dear?" asked Jack's wife.

"Well, I was hitting pretty well, but my eyesight's gotten so bad I couldn't see where the ball went," he replied.

"But you're 75 years old, Jack!" admonished his wife, "Why don't you take my brother Scott along?"

"But he's 85 and doesn't even play golf anymore," protested Jack.

"But he's got perfect eyesight. He could watch your ball," his wife pointed out.

The next day Jack teed off with Scott looking on. Jack swung, and the ball disappeared down the middle of the fairway. "Do you see it?" asked Jack.

"Yup," Scott answered.

"Well, where is it?" yelled Jack, peering off into the distance.

"I forgot."

BIG_DADDY · 05-27-2008, 11:43 AM

Did you hear the one about the Iranian terrorist?

**Gonzo** · 05-27-2008, 12:16 PM

A preschool teacher was about to read to all of her students. She instructed all of the students to gather around and sit "Indian Style."
Of course, little Johnny who always took things literally ran outside and layed in the gutter with an empty bottle of Cutty Sark and some government cheese.

Pablo · 05-27-2008, 12:17 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Gonzo

A preschool teacher was about to read to all of her students. She instructed all of the students to gather around and sit "Indian Style."
Of course, little Johnny who always took things literally ran outside and layed in the gutter with an empty bottle of Cutty Sark and some government cheese.

Bah-dum-dah-dah-dah....I've lovin' it.

greg63 · 05-29-2008, 08:19 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by GonzoRox88

Bah-dum-dah-dah-dah....I've lovin' it.

You've do?

Rooster · 06-02-2008, 12:38 PM

A couple decides to go golfing to the best golf course in their state. While playing, the husband tells his wife to be very careful, as there were many houses along the golf course, but the wife swings her club and breaks one of the windows of the biggest house on the course.

The husband and wife decide to go and apologize to the owner of the house. When they reach the house they find a glass bottle lying on the floor broken into hundreds of pieces. They then find an old man sitting in a rocking chair in the corner.

"I am a genie and I would like to thank you for letting me free from this bottle,” the old man says, “and I would like to grant you two wishes, but the third wish is mine."

The husband thinks about it for a moment and says, "I want a private aircraft for myself."

The wife says, “I would like a house in every single country in the world.”

The genie agrees and says, "For the past 200 years I have not had sex and I would like to have sex with your wife."

The husband agrees and the genie takes the woman upstairs and begins having sex with her.

Once they are done, he rolls over and asks the woman, "How old is your husband?"

"47," she replies.

”Wow,” the man says, shaking his head, "And he still believes in genies?"

SPATCH · 06-02-2008, 12:59 PM

^^^^ i'm pretty sure that one qualifies as "dirty" ^^^^

Rooster · 06-02-2008, 01:30 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by the_spatula

^^^^ i'm pretty sure that one qualifies as "dirty" ^^^^

If you can tell it to your grandmother it isn't considered dirty.

SPATCH · 06-02-2008, 06:01 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Rooster

If you can tell it to your grandmother it isn't considered dirty.

your grandmother most be slightly more liberal than mine

SPATCH · 06-02-2008, 06:04 PM

whats the difference between a golfer and a sky diver?

a golfer goes, WHACK!, "Damn it!"

and a sky diver goes, "Damn it!", WHACK!

Fairplay · 06-02-2008, 07:30 PM

The Nookie Green Joke

A young Catholic man goes to confession and says, "Father, it has been one month since my last confession. I have had sex with Nookie Green every week for the last month."

The priest tells the sinner, "You are forgiven. Go out and say three Hail Mary's."

Soon after, another man enters the confessional. "Father, it has been two months since my last confession. I have had sex with Nookie Green twice a week for the last two months."

This time the priest questions, "Who is Nookie Green?"

"A new woman in the neighborhood," the sinner replies.

"Very well," sighs the priest. "Go and say ten Hail Mary's."

At Mass the next morning, as the priest prepares to deliver his sermon a voluptuous, gorgeous woman enters the sanctuary. The eyes of every man in the church fall upon her as she walks up the aisle and sits down right in front of the Priest! Her dress is green and very short, with matching shiny emerald green shoes.

The priest and altar boy gasp, as the woman in the matching green shoes and dress sits with her legs slightly spread apart. The priest turns to the altar boy and whispers, "Is that Nookie Green?"

The bug-eyed altar boy can't believe his ears but replies, "No, I think it's just the reflection off her shoes!"

09-25-2005, 09:00 AM
Frankie Banned Join Date: Jul 2001 Casino cash: $10004900	Clean jokes can be funny too! Or at least good for a chuckle. Here's something completely different (for this BB). This thread is dedicated to ONLY CLEAN JOKES. Please post any clean joke that you find funny or at least amusing. We will not call you "dorks." Not in this thread. Let's see what you've got,... and share them. Don't worry about repeat jokes. Nobody has time to check all posts. Last edited by Frankie; 07-10-2011 at 05:17 PM..
Posts: 26,959

05-13-2008, 08:17 AM	#496
Rooster Draft a QB Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: JoCo Casino cash: $9961689	A doctor and his wife are having a fight at the breakfast table. The husband gets up in a rage and says, "And you’re no good in bed either," and storms out of the house. After sometime he realizes he was nasty and decides to make amends and calls home. His wife comes to the phone after many rings and the irritated husband says, "What took you so long to answer the phone?" "I was in bed," she answers. "In bed this early, doing what?" shouts the doctor. "Getting a second opinion!" __________________ When Reno Hightower was a prick he was the best damn quarterback in the history of Kern County.
Posts: 5,753

05-13-2008, 06:22 PM	#497
chasedude Supporter Join Date: Sep 2005 Location: St. Joe Casino cash: $10004900	A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see that his bed was nicely made and everything was picked up.Then he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow that was addressed to 'Dad.' With the worst premonition he opened the envelope with trembling hands and read the letter. Dear Dad: It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you. I have been finding real passion with Stacy and she is so nice. But I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercings,tattoos, tight motorcycle clothes and the fact that she is much older than I am. But it's not only the passion...Dad she's pregnant. Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children. Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people that live nearby for cocaine and ecstasy. In the meantime we will pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Stacy can get better. She deserves it. Don't worry Dad. I'm 15 and I know how to take care of myself. Someday I'm sure that we will be back to visit so that you can get toknow your grandchildren. Love, Your Son John, P.S. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the report card that's in my center desk drawer. I love you. Call me when it's safe to come home. Last edited by chasedude; 05-13-2008 at 06:25 PM.. Reason: Damn formatting
Posts: 36,287

05-16-2008, 11:01 AM	#498
Monty Award Winning Tailgater Join Date: Aug 2000 Casino cash: $2161570	I was walking past the mental hospital the other day, and all the patients were shouting, "13! 13! 13! 13!" The fence was too high to see over, but I saw a little gap in the planks and looked through to see what was going on. Some bastard poked me in the eye with a stick. Then they all started shouting, "14! 14! 14! 14!"
Posts: 3,914

05-21-2008, 10:12 AM	#499
Rooster Draft a QB Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: JoCo Casino cash: $9961689	Old man Murphy had worked down at the brewery for years, but one day he just wasn't paying attention and he tripped on the walkway and fell over into the beer vat and drowned. The foreman thought it should be his job to inform the widow Murphy of her old man's death. He showed up at the front door and rang the bell. When she came to the door, he said, "I'm sorry to tell you, but poor old Murphy passed away at work today when he fell into the vat and drowned." She wept and covered her face with her apron and after a time, between sobs, she asked, "Tell me, did he suffer?" "I don't think so," said the foreman: "He got out three times to go to the men's room." __________________ When Reno Hightower was a prick he was the best damn quarterback in the history of Kern County.
Posts: 5,753

05-27-2008, 11:34 AM	#500
Rooster Draft a QB Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: JoCo Casino cash: $9961689	"How was your golf game, dear?" asked Jack's wife. "Well, I was hitting pretty well, but my eyesight's gotten so bad I couldn't see where the ball went," he replied. "But you're 75 years old, Jack!" admonished his wife, "Why don't you take my brother Scott along?" "But he's 85 and doesn't even play golf anymore," protested Jack. "But he's got perfect eyesight. He could watch your ball," his wife pointed out. The next day Jack teed off with Scott looking on. Jack swung, and the ball disappeared down the middle of the fairway. "Do you see it?" asked Jack. "Yup," Scott answered. "Well, where is it?" yelled Jack, peering off into the distance. "I forgot." __________________ When Reno Hightower was a prick he was the best damn quarterback in the history of Kern County.
Posts: 5,753

05-27-2008, 11:43 AM	#501
BIG_DADDY THE RED MENACE Join Date: Aug 2000 Location: Texas Casino cash: $5008410	Did you hear the one about the Iranian terrorist? __________________ The diabolical genius of Marxism-Socialism is that it provides the emotional and intellectual road map for autocrats to persuade millions of people to support their own enslavement to government. ~Mark Levin April 15, 2019
Posts: 32,387

06-02-2008, 12:38 PM	#505
Rooster Draft a QB Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: JoCo Casino cash: $9961689	A couple decides to go golfing to the best golf course in their state. While playing, the husband tells his wife to be very careful, as there were many houses along the golf course, but the wife swings her club and breaks one of the windows of the biggest house on the course. The husband and wife decide to go and apologize to the owner of the house. When they reach the house they find a glass bottle lying on the floor broken into hundreds of pieces. They then find an old man sitting in a rocking chair in the corner. "I am a genie and I would like to thank you for letting me free from this bottle,” the old man says, “and I would like to grant you two wishes, but the third wish is mine." The husband thinks about it for a moment and says, "I want a private aircraft for myself." The wife says, “I would like a house in every single country in the world.” The genie agrees and says, "For the past 200 years I have not had sex and I would like to have sex with your wife." The husband agrees and the genie takes the woman upstairs and begins having sex with her. Once they are done, he rolls over and asks the woman, "How old is your husband?" "47," she replies. ”Wow,” the man says, shaking his head, "And he still believes in genies?" __________________ When Reno Hightower was a prick he was the best damn quarterback in the history of Kern County.
Posts: 5,753

06-02-2008, 12:59 PM	#506
SPATCH birth of spatch Join Date: May 2008 Casino cash: $10006207	^^^^ i'm pretty sure that one qualifies as "dirty" ^^^^
Posts: 4,569

06-02-2008, 06:04 PM	#509
SPATCH birth of spatch Join Date: May 2008 Casino cash: $10006207	whats the difference between a golfer and a sky diver? a golfer goes, WHACK!, "Damn it!" and a sky diver goes, "Damn it!", WHACK!
Posts: 4,569

06-02-2008, 07:30 PM	#510
Fairplay A certain set of skills Join Date: Dec 2003 Location: texas Casino cash: $10026683 VARSITY	The Nookie Green Joke A young Catholic man goes to confession and says, "Father, it has been one month since my last confession. I have had sex with Nookie Green every week for the last month." The priest tells the sinner, "You are forgiven. Go out and say three Hail Mary's." Soon after, another man enters the confessional. "Father, it has been two months since my last confession. I have had sex with Nookie Green twice a week for the last two months." This time the priest questions, "Who is Nookie Green?" "A new woman in the neighborhood," the sinner replies. "Very well," sighs the priest. "Go and say ten Hail Mary's." At Mass the next morning, as the priest prepares to deliver his sermon a voluptuous, gorgeous woman enters the sanctuary. The eyes of every man in the church fall upon her as she walks up the aisle and sits down right in front of the Priest! Her dress is green and very short, with matching shiny emerald green shoes. The priest and altar boy gasp, as the woman in the matching green shoes and dress sits with her legs slightly spread apart. The priest turns to the altar boy and whispers, "Is that Nookie Green?" The bug-eyed altar boy can't believe his ears but replies, "No, I think it's just the reflection off her shoes!"
Posts: 25,265