Don't Even Answer

[Otter]

Now, this guy is a master troll.

Stubborn Shovel Seller

Spoiler!

Original ad:
Pole hedge trimmer for sale - Homelite electric hedge trimmer. Great condition. $50 OBO. Email me at russ*******@gmail.com.




From Me to Russ *******:

Hey Russ,

That's a really nice shovel you have in the picture. Is it for sale?

Mike

From Russ ******* to Me:

Sorry guy. Only selling the hedge trimmer.

From Me to Russ *******:

I'll give you $10 for the shovel.

From Russ ******* to Me:

Cant you read? The shovel isnt for sale.

From Me to Russ *******:

You drive a hard bargain on the shovel. I'll give you $15 for it, and that is my final offer.

From Russ ******* to Me:

Here is my final offer: shut the hell up and leave me alone!

========================================================

Later, from another email account...

========================================================

From Me to Russ *******:

Hey I'm emailing you about the shovel. Your asking price of $10 sounds fair to me. And with the free extention cord, that is a steal. I'll take it!

From Russ ******* to Me:

What are you on about? The shovel isn't for sale.

From Me to Russ *******:

Excuse me? That's not what your ad says.

From Russ ******* to Me:

My ad says nothing about the shovel. I'm selling the hedge trimmer, not the shovel. Look again. Nowhere is a shovel mentioned.

From Me to Russ *******:

Quit dicking me around. This ad says you are selling the shovel!



I can assure you I am not Jewish so you can stop pretending you aren't selling the shovel.

From Russ ******* to Me:

Oh my god...I swear I didnt put that up. Somebody is messing with me!

From Russ ******* to Me:

Can you send me the link to that ad so I can have them take it down?

From Me to Russ *******:

Sorry, I can't find the link anymore. My wife needed to use the computer so I had to delete my browsing history because I was looking at porn earlier. It was somewhere in the stuff for sale section, if I'm not mistaken...so does this mean I can't buy your shovel?

========================================================

From another email account...

========================================================

From Me to Russ *******:

Dear Anti-Semite douchebag,

I got a bone to pick with you. I came across your ad in my search for a new shovel and it seemed like a great deal. Until I read your disgusting comment about not selling the shovel to Jewish people. How the hell do you think that is acceptable in this day and age? What does it matter what religion someone is for you to sell them a shovel? This is absolutely despicable and an outrage to the Jewish community. You make me sick.

Sincerely NOT buying your shovel of hatred,

Mordecai Goldstein

From Russ ******* to Me:

I don't have a problem with jews at all! Someone else put that ad up to mess with me and I cant find where it is! Can you send me the link to the ad please??

From Me to Russ *******:

Why don't you shovel your Nazi bullshit to someone else? This "Jew" isn't buying it!

========================================================

He finally decided to email my original account:

========================================================

From Russ ******* to Me:

Look you little prick I know you put that ****ing ad up and you need to take it the **** down RIGHT NOW. I'm not selling the ****ing shovel GET OVER IT and quit being immature you son of a bitch.

From Me to Russ *******:

I'm sorry, I thought I was doing you a favor. I wanted you to see how many great offers you could get if you decided to sell the shovel.

From Russ ******* to Me:

I'M NOT SELLING THE ****ING SHOVEL LET IT GO! Tell me this asshole if you were doing a favor then why did you put that shit about the jews in there???

From Me to Russ *******:

I detected some strong anti-Semitic undertones in our initial conversation...I just assumed you were an anti-Semite. My apologies.

From Russ ******* to Me:

TAKE THE AD DOWN

========================================================

I emailed him one last time, from another account.

========================================================

From Me to Russ *******:

Good afternoon!

I saw your ad for the shovel for sale. I'm more interested in the axe you have in that picture. Are you selling the axe? I'll give you $20 cash for it.

- Dave

Angry Fish Tank Guy

Spoiler!

Original ad:
55 gallon tank great condition.no scratches. comes with filter. $125. 484-***-****. CALL ME ONLY - NO EMAILS. 484-***-****

From Me to Felix *********:

Hey,

That fish tank is beautiful. I must have it! Is it still for sale?

Mike

From Felix ********* to Me:

CALL THE NUMBER

From Me to Felix *********:

What number?

From Felix ********* to Me:

484-***-****

From Me to Felix *********:

I just called that number and nobody answered.

From Felix ********* to Me:

i never heard it ring. call again and leave a message if no answer.

From Me to Felix *********:

I just called again. Nobody picked up so I went to leave you a message, but it said your voicemail was full.

From Felix ********* to Me:

my voicemail isnt full the phone never rang. are you calling the right number? 484-***-****

From Me to Felix *********:

I just called the number again and I got a fax machine noise. Is there a trick to dialing your number?

From Felix ********* to Me:

what trick??? its a phone number you just dial it!

From Me to Felix *********:

Are you sure you didn't give me the number to a fax machine? Would you rather communicate through fax? That would actually be easier for me.

From Felix ********* to Me:

NO!

From Me to Felix *********:

I wasn't sure what to do, so I sent you a fax. Did you get it?

From Felix ********* to Me:

DONT SEND ME A FAX

From Felix ********* to Me:

STOP SENDING ME FAXES

From Felix ********* to Me:

SERIOUSLY STOP TRYOING TO SEND FAX! IT WONT WORK BECAUSE ITS A CELL PHONE!!!

From Me to Felix *********:

Can't you just set your cell phone to fax machine mode?

From Felix ********* to Me:

what the hell is fax machine mode? cell phones dont have that!

From Felix ********* to Me:

OMG dude ENOUGH WITH THE FAXES!!!!!!

From Me to Felix *********:

Sorry, I set the fax machine to try sending the fax every fifteen minutes until it goes through. It was the office fax machine and I already left for the weekend. Can this wait until Monday?

From Felix ********* to Me:

NO IT CANT WAIT UNTIL MONDAY ARE YOU ****ING KIDDING ME

From Felix ********* to Me:

GO BACK TO YOUR OFFICE AND CANCEL IT RIGHT NOW

From Me to Felix *********:

My apologies, I can't go back. I'm at the airport and my flight to Vancouver leaves in an hour and a half. I'll cancel the fax on Monday when I get back.

From Felix ********* to Me:

HEY! NO! **** THAT YOU BETTER FIND A WAY AND CANCEL THIS SHIT RIGHT NOW!!!! CALL SOMEBODY AT THE OFFICE MAKE THEM DO IT I'M ****ING SERIOUS

From Me to Felix *********:

Nobody is at the office, it is 6:30! Actually, you know what? The janitor might be there. We are pretty good friends. Do you want me to contact him?

From Felix ********* to Me:

YES

From Me to Felix *********:

Okay, I gave him your info. He's going to call you shortly. I'm on the plane now and they are making us turn our cell phones off for takeoff. Good luck!

From Felix ********* to Me:

DONT HAVE HIM CALL ME YOU IDIOT JUST HAVE HIM CANCEL THE FAX

From Me to Felix *********:

This is an automated out-of-office reply from Mike Partlow:

I will be out of the office on vacation in Canada until Monday, June 10th. I will not be checking my emails until I return. Have a great weekend, eh?

From Felix ********* to Me:

GOD DAMMIT

From Me to Felix *********:

This is an automated out-of-office reply from Mike Partlow:

I will be out of the office on vacation in Canada until Monday, June 10th. I will not be checking my emails until I return. Have a great weekend, eh?

===================================

I made another email account as Dave the Janitor...

===================================

From Dave the Janitor to Felix *********:

Hi there! Is this Felix? Mike told me to contact you about buying a fish tank. I'm Dave, the janitor at Mike's office. I tried calling the number he gave me but it sounded like a fax machine or something, so I am emailing you instead.

From Felix ********* to Dave the Janitor:

yeah hi dave here's the situation. mike has no idea how phones work and tried to send a fax to my phone using the fax machine at his office. now my phone is getting a call from the fax machine every 15 minutes. he said you can cancel the fax?

From Dave the Janitor to Felix *********:

Mike didn't mention anything about a fax machine to me. He told me to buy a fish tank from you and he'd get it from me on Monday.

From Felix ********* to Dave the Janitor:

oh jesus christ...no... he was supposed to tell you to cancel the fax that keeps calling my phone. are you at his office? can you stop the fax?

From Dave the Janitor to Felix *********:

So you aren't selling the fish tank?

From Felix ********* to Dave the Janitor:

look forget the fish tank just stop the fax machine, PLEASE!!

From Dave the Janitor to Felix *********:

Why are you so worried about this fax machine? Can't you just turn your cell phone to fax mode?

From Felix ********* to Dave the Janitor:

that isnt a thing! look im done screwing around here. just stop the fax machine, ok?

From Dave the Janitor to Felix *********:

Tell you what, I'll cancel the fax machine if you drop the price on the fish tank to $75.

From Felix ********* to Dave the Janitor:

look im in no mood to haggle with a janitor over a ****ing fish tank.

From Dave the Janitor to Felix *********:

Excuse me? "with a janitor?" What is that supposed to mean? What if I had a fancy rich person job as an investment banker? Would you haggle with me then? I don't like your condescending tone, buddy. I know being a janitor isn't the most desirable job, but I gotta put food on the table for my kids somehow! Sorry I'm not an astronaut with a degree in brain surgery! You're in no mood to argue with a janitor? Well guess what? I am in no mood to turn off fax machines for a rude, snobby, patronizing fish tank owner!

From Felix ********* to Dave the Janitor:

i didnt mean to insult you. i like janitors. im sorry! can you please just turn off the fax machine!

From Dave the Janitor to Felix *********:

Fine. But I am telling Mike what you said to me and I don't think he will want to buy a fish tank from you after that. Are you this rude to your fish? Oh I'm Felix! Sorry, I'm in no mood to feed a goldfish! Maybe if you were a $500 Blueface Angel fish I would feed you.

From Felix ********* to Dave the Janitor:

......are you done?

From Dave the Janitor to Felix *********:

Yes, I stopped the fax. Sorry it took me so long to figure out how to cancel it. I'm just a janitor. What do I know about fax machines? I don't have a fancy degree in fax machine engineering.

From Felix ********* to Dave the Janitor:

yeah yeah.... thats enough. thanks bye


===================================

A few days later, from my original email account...

===================================

From Me to Felix *********:

Felix,

I just got back from Canada to find out you were belittling my janitor? Dave is one of the best janitors I have ever had the pleasure of working with, so you better watch your mouth. You think you are better than him or something? Big words coming from a guy who doesn't even own a fax machine. You can forget about me buying your fish tank!

Mike

From Felix ********* to Me:

good because im not selling anything to a stupid **** who cant even figure out how to dial a phone number!!!!!!!

From Me to Felix *********:

Please, stop harassing me and Dave. You've done enough. Leave us alone.

From Felix ********* to Me:

oh im harassing YOU? the dumbass who sets a fax to send me every 15 minutes and then LEAVES THE ****ING COUNTRY? you know how many times that fax machine called me you stupid piece of shit you have the nerve to say IM harassing YOU? go **** yourself you ****ing ****head!!!!!!

From Me to Felix *********:

This is an automated out-of-office reply from Mike Partlow:

Hola! I will be on vacation in Mexico until Monday, June 17th and will not be checking my email until I return. Adios, amigos!

Full List:

http://www.dontevenreply.com/all.php

[frozenchief]

My favorite:

http://www.dontevenreply.com/view.php?post=62

[Otter]

Disguised Weapons

Spoiler!

Original ad:
**** Disguisable weapons wanted ****
Wanted: hidden blades, belt buckle knives, cane swords, etc.....
Offering: cash, items for barter

From Me to **********@***********.org:

Hey,

I saw your ad looking for concealable/disguised weapons. I have several fine-crafted items you may be interested in. Respond if you are interested and I will send you pictures and prices.

Thanks,

Mike

From Jeff ****** to Me:

I am. lets see what you got.

From Me to Jeff ******:

Jeff,

Here you go:



Looks like a normal spoon, right?



Wrong. It is actually a deadly 2.5" half-smooth, half-serrated knife with tactical grip. One minute you are enjoying a bowl of cereal, and the next you are fighting off attackers with this deadly and disguised weapon.

I am asking $50 for the blade. Let me know if you want to stop by and take a look at it.

Mike

From Jeff ****** to Me:

that is stupid as hell and looks like crap. unless you have anything better to offer, dont waste my time.

From Me to Jeff ******:

Jeff,

I am sorry you feel that way about the spoon blade. I do have some other weapons that I think you will feel differently about.

Mike

From Jeff ****** to Me:

fine. but if it is another knife duct taped to a spoon then you can **** off.

From Me to Jeff ******:

Jeff,

Thank you for re-considering. Here are three quality disguised weapons that I think you will love:



At first glance, this looks like a normal party cup. However, if you look close enough, you will see that it is really a fully automatic Glock 18C. You will be able to pour your enemies a nice warm cup of lead with this fine purchase. Asking $900 for the gun/cup combo.



Still thirsty for justice? Try this badass M16A2 disguised as a 24-pack of soda. The box has two finely crafted holes on each side to allow for any kind of optics (not included) that you wish to attach. This weapon is only for sale if you have a Class III permit.



This cleverly disguised weapon may look like a tissue box, but is actually a Benelli M3 12 gauge shotgun disguised as a tissue box. The ultra-soft quilted tissues serve as a comfortable grip on the pump-action shotgun. Also, if you find yourself sneezing during the heat of combat, you will have a handy tissue box ready for action. Asking $1500 for the weapon. Additional tissue boxes are an extra $5 per box.

Let me know if you want any of these items.

Thanks,

Mike

From Jeff ****** to Me:

youre a ****ing dumbass, shitbrained, asswipe, reeruned dipshit. you prob walk around with that shit too you dumb mother ****er. I hope you get hit by a car. **** off, eat shit, and die.

[Bwana]

[notorious]

The fish tank.....

[gblowfish]

The Special Olympics Hockey Team one was epic.

[BlackHelicopters]

Whiskey Tango Foxtrot

[Dayze]

That has Rain Man written all over it lol.

[GloryDayz]

Originally Posted by Otter

Disguised Weapons

Spoiler!

Original ad:
**** Disguisable weapons wanted ****
Wanted: hidden blades, belt buckle knives, cane swords, etc.....
Offering: cash, items for barter

From Me to **********@***********.org:

Hey,

I saw your ad looking for concealable/disguised weapons. I have several fine-crafted items you may be interested in. Respond if you are interested and I will send you pictures and prices.

Thanks,

Mike

From Jeff ****** to Me:

I am. lets see what you got.

From Me to Jeff ******:

Jeff,

Here you go:



Looks like a normal spoon, right?



Wrong. It is actually a deadly 2.5" half-smooth, half-serrated knife with tactical grip. One minute you are enjoying a bowl of cereal, and the next you are fighting off attackers with this deadly and disguised weapon.

I am asking $50 for the blade. Let me know if you want to stop by and take a look at it.

Mike

From Jeff ****** to Me:

that is stupid as hell and looks like crap. unless you have anything better to offer, dont waste my time.

From Me to Jeff ******:

Jeff,

I am sorry you feel that way about the spoon blade. I do have some other weapons that I think you will feel differently about.

Mike

From Jeff ****** to Me:

fine. but if it is another knife duct taped to a spoon then you can **** off.

From Me to Jeff ******:

Jeff,

Thank you for re-considering. Here are three quality disguised weapons that I think you will love:



At first glance, this looks like a normal party cup. However, if you look close enough, you will see that it is really a fully automatic Glock 18C. You will be able to pour your enemies a nice warm cup of lead with this fine purchase. Asking $900 for the gun/cup combo.



Still thirsty for justice? Try this badass M16A2 disguised as a 24-pack of soda. The box has two finely crafted holes on each side to allow for any kind of optics (not included) that you wish to attach. This weapon is only for sale if you have a Class III permit.



This cleverly disguised weapon may look like a tissue box, but is actually a Benelli M3 12 gauge shotgun disguised as a tissue box. The ultra-soft quilted tissues serve as a comfortable grip on the pump-action shotgun. Also, if you find yourself sneezing during the heat of combat, you will have a handy tissue box ready for action. Asking $1500 for the weapon. Additional tissue boxes are an extra $5 per box.

Let me know if you want any of these items.

Thanks,

Mike

From Jeff ****** to Me:

youre a ****ing dumbass, shitbrained, asswipe, reeruned dipshit. you prob walk around with that shit too you dumb mother ****er. I hope you get hit by a car. **** off, eat shit, and die.

[Easy 6]

Originally Posted by frozenchief

My favorite:

http://www.dontevenreply.com/view.php?post=62

Hahaaa thats golden

[Rasputin]

Originally Posted by notorious

The fish tank.....

I laughed.

[ClevelandBronco]

I can’t be the only one here imagining that this guy is Rain Man’s evil twin.

[Easy 6]

Barely Legal Little League Team

http://www.dontevenreply.com/view.php?post=76