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View Poll Results: Who wins?
Detoxing 31 50.00%
canoworms 31 50.00%
Voters: 62. You may not vote on this poll

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Old 07-10-2018, 08:21 AM  
Rain Man Rain Man is offline
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Gladiator 2018 - Round 1, Match 18 - Detoxing versus canoworms

Vote for the person that you think would win this match in a battle to death or submission. As background, assume that prior to the tournament you received 10 minutes of training on every weapon. The time listed is the amount of time before the match where you learn what the weaponry and venue is.

Venue - A coastal beach
Starting Distance - 81 feet

Detoxing

Main Weapon - Two fist-sized rocks, one of which has a slightly sharp edge
Backup Weapon - 20 sharp small ninja stars

Prep Time - 14 seconds
Special Factors - None

canoworms

Main Weapon - The thigh bone of a large ape
Backup Weapon - BB gun with 50 BBs, each of which is coated with enough poison to slow a person down by 4 percentage points

Prep Time - 9 Minutes
Special Factors - You're wearing an eye patch on your right eye, which you can't remove
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Old 07-10-2018, 09:16 AM   #16
Detoxing Detoxing is offline
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What is this madness???

I HAVE NINJA STARS.

Ninja stars always trump BB guns.

They're freakin' Ninja stars!
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Old 07-10-2018, 09:20 AM   #17
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Detoxing View Post
What is this madness???

I HAVE NINJA STARS.

Ninja stars always trump BB guns.

They're freakin' Ninja stars!
This is madness!

Detox & Can make eye contact on the beach during the initial charge, listen to the waves crash, and take turns shooting each other with the Quaalude Pellets while watching the sun set.

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Old 07-10-2018, 09:24 AM   #18
Detoxing Detoxing is offline
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Look guys, you're not thinking clearly. This is how this goes down:

I emerge from the ocean water, my pecs and perfect abs glistening in the sun while all the ladies turn their attention to me. I do a slow hero walk onto the sand, cool....calm....ready to unleash the beast.

Canoworms takes his flippy-floppies off, but he's not a beach guy, so he starts doing the hot-foot dance and the heat from the sand burns his sensitive little non-beach girly feet, distracting him.

But then he sees me and my magnificent body and immediately tries to shoot at me, but he has an eye patch therefore can't shoot worth a shit. His aim is way off as i charge at him. I start dodging pellets Matrix style. Sure, a few hit me, but not enough to matter because i'm naturally faster than Canoworms anyway.

I toss a jagged edge rock and take out another eye, now he can't see at all. I leap into the air and come crashing down with a superman punch. BAM! Rock straight to the face.

Now he's dazed and i continuously pummel him with the blunt rock until his head ceases to exist. The women cheer, lift me up and carry me to go get soft serve. The end.

That's how it happens, boys. Don't fool yourselves into thinking otherwise.
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Old 07-10-2018, 09:31 AM   #19
Detoxing Detoxing is offline
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Dudes...81 ft is only 27 yards. I run a 5 second 40. 2.5 seconds and i'm already on top of this foo' merging his skull with the sand. He would have time to get one shot off before im on him like a spider monkey.

The BB gun doesn't matter here. I feel like you're all getting wrapped up in the BB gun.

First off, the distance is so short that i'd close the gap almost immediately. He'd get one shot off. Secondly, he has a freakin eye patch. So he'll miss his one and only shot. And even if the pellet did land (which it wont) it wouldn't slow me down enough.

His ape bone won't do nearly as much damage as a pair of rocks. It's too short to create any torque and lacks density to do much damage.

This is a no brainer. I send Canoworms back to his parents in a trash bag.
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Old 07-10-2018, 09:33 AM   #20
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Detoxing View Post
Dudes...81 ft is only 27 yards. I run a 5 second 40. 2.5 seconds and i'm already on top of this foo' merging his skull with the sand. He would have time to get one shot off before im on him like a spider monkey.

The BB gun doesn't matter here. I feel like you're all getting wrapped up in the BB gun.

First off, the distance is so short that i'd close the gap almost immediately. He'd get one shot off. Secondly, he has a freakin eye patch. So he'll miss his one and only shot.
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Old 07-10-2018, 09:35 AM   #21
Beef Supreme Beef Supreme is offline
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I think people are underestimating the bone of a large ape.
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Old 07-10-2018, 09:46 AM   #22
Detoxing Detoxing is offline
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You know how you can tell i won this fight?

Canoworms isn't even here. Because he's dead. Because i killed him. On the beach. With rocks.
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Old 07-10-2018, 09:48 AM   #23
Pasta Giant Meatball Pasta Giant Meatball is offline
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The BB gun is ****ing worthless. CP sucks monkey nuts at gladiator voting
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Old 07-10-2018, 09:52 AM   #24
Beef Supreme Beef Supreme is offline
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BONE OF A LARGE APE!
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Old 07-10-2018, 09:53 AM   #25
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I think the eye patch is important here. It makes it harder to aim and also harder to fight hand to hand. However, a shot or two with the BB gun early on will slow detoxing down by a few percentage points, and an ape thigh bone and BB gun butt has more range than a pair of rocks. It's a tough match, but I think canoworms will have more range in his attacks.

But wait - will the stars be an equivalent force to the BB gun? Possibly so. They'll hurt more if they hit.
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Old 07-10-2018, 09:59 AM   #26
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He has one eye and he's supposed to be accurate with a bb gun? He'll end up getting his head smashed in with a rock. But this is CP.....so Detox loses.
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Old 07-10-2018, 10:00 AM   #27
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He gets a good eye shot with the stars and it's over
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Old 07-10-2018, 10:01 AM   #28
Detoxing Detoxing is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Beef Supreme View Post
BONE OF A LARGE APE!
I'm dual wielding a pair of rocks, bro. Rock is more dense than bone.

His bone will hurt, sure, assuming he can land a clean shot. But my rocks will cave your skull in.
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Old 07-10-2018, 10:08 AM   #29
Beef Supreme Beef Supreme is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Detoxing View Post
I'm dual wielding a pair of rocks, bro. Rock is more dense than bone.

His bone will hurt, sure, assuming he can land a clean shot. But my rocks will cave your skull in.
I think you should get points for your thrilling and sexy description of the event. But I just like saying bone of a large ape too much to vote for you.
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Old 07-10-2018, 10:19 AM   #30
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I need to know if canoworms is right-eye or left-eye dominant
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