Clean jokes can be funny too!

[Frankie]

Or at least good for a chuckle. Here's something completely different (for this BB). This thread is dedicated to ONLY CLEAN JOKES. Please post any clean joke that you find funny or at least amusing. We will not call you "dorks." Not in this thread. Let's see what you've got,... and share them.

Don't worry about repeat jokes. Nobody has time to check all posts.

[Baby Lee]

There was a pitcher for the Cubs - Milt Famey was his name.
Some people say he was the best to ever play the game.
In '32 he won two dozen games with lightning throws...
The Cubs went to the Series with the Yankees as their foes.

The Series was magnificent - the games tied three to three.
Milt pitched the first and third and fifth and won them easily.
It all came down to one last game. The park shook with the sound
Of 50,000 screams of joy when Famey took the mound.

The truth is Milt was pretty nervous on that final day.
He had a beer or ten to chase the butterflies away.
He pitched each inning flawlessly and then, when he was through,
He'd sit down on the bench and have another beer or two.

By inning number five poor Milt was pretty well near blitzed
But still he mowed the Yankees down - no walks, no runs, no hits.
The final inning came at last..Milt took the mound real slow.
The Cubs were leading one to zip with but three outs to go!

Milt tried hard not to stagger 'neath the hot Chicago sun.
He saw three batters standing at home plate instead of one!
He walked five batters in a row to everyone's dismay
As New York won the Series on that hot September day.

Reporters asked the Yankees how it felt to win that way,
To win the Series from a gift instead of stirling play.
The manager called out amid the celebration ruckus,
"We all think it was the beer that made Milt Famey walk us!!"

[Bwana]

Indian Chief "Two Eagles" was asked by a white U.S. Government official, "You have observed the white man for 90 years. You've seen his wars and his technological advances. You've seen his progress,
and the damage he's done."

The Chief nodded in agreement.

The official continued, "Considering all these events, in your opinion, where did the white man go wrong?"

The Chief stared at the government official for over a minute and then calmly replied:

"When white man find land, Indians running it. No taxes. No debt. Plenty of Buffalo . Plenty Beaver. Clean Water. Women did all the work. Medicine man free. Indian man spend all day hunting and
fishing - all night having sex."

Then the chief leaned back and smiled. "Only white man dumb enough to think he could improve system like that!

[FAX]

That's a great joke, Mr. Bwana. And a little sad.

I have the beginning of a joke ...

Three nuns, an Israeli, and a professional basketball player with a frog in his pocket walk into a bar ...

... but that's all I have. If you can think of an ending, it would be great.

FAX

[gblowfish]

A hooded robber burst into a Bank and forced the tellers to load a sack full of cash.

On his way out the door a brave customer grabbed the hood and pulled it off revealing the robber's face.
The robber shot the customer without a moment's hesitation.

He then looked around the bank and noticed one of the tellers looking straight at him.
The robber instantly shot him also.

Everyone else, by now very scared, looked intently down at the floor in silence.
The Robber yelled, "Well, did anyone else see my face?"

There are a few moments of utter silence, in which everyone was plainly afraid to speak.
Then one old man tentatively raised his hand and said, "I think my wife may have caught a glimpse of you."

[gblowfish]

Guy gets sentenced to prison, and is led to his new cell. At lights out, he and his cellmate are chatting. In the background, he can hear the other prisoners talking in the darkness.

"27" he hears shouted in the darkness. Peals of laughter ring out. A different voice calls out "318". More laughter follows.

Intrigued, he asks his cellmate: "Whats the deal with calling out numbers?" "Well you gotta understand, man, that most of the guys in this wing have been in here for 20 years or more. So eventually you run out of new jokes to tell. Everyone's heard them all, in fact we all have them memorized."

"So we worked out a system where we numbered each joke. If you want to tell one, you can just call out the number."

The new prisoner chuckles. "Wow, thats neat. You think I can give it a try?" "Sure, newbie, give it a shot."

So he waits for a lull, and calls out loudly: "278!"

Nothing.

He tries another: "415!"

Dead silence.

He says to his cellmate, "Whats the deal?"

"What can I say, man, some people just can't tell a joke."

[Jethopper]

Q: A woman hits a man with her car............who is to blame?



A: The man. He should not have been driving in the kitchen.





Thank you all for playing but i just won this thread.

[greg63]

This gangster in a vintage Cadillac was driving down the road and suddenly gets cut off by a blond in a VW Beatle. Enraged the gangster catches up to her and forces her to the side of the road and storms over to the blond, opens her door and barks at her to get out. The blond smiles and says: "Oh, ok." The gangster then draws a circle on the sidewalk with a piece of chalk and orders the blond to stand in the circle and not to get out. The blond happily takes her place inside the circle while the gangster begins smashing up her VW Bug with a baseball bat. While the gangster is smashing up the car he looks up to see the blond giggling. So, he begins busting out the windshields; looks at the blond again and she is giggling even more. So, the gangster moves onto the head and tail lights, and again looks at the blond to see her doubled over in uncontrollable laughter. Finally the gangster screams: "What the !@#$ is so funny!" The blond replies: "While you were smashing my car I stepped outside the circle three times!"

[greg63]

An elderly couple was sitting in church one Sunday afternoon listening to the sermon when suddenly the elderly woman leaned over and whispers in her husbands ear: "I let a silent fart, what should I do?". Her husband whispers back: "Turn up your hearing aid!".

[blazzin311]

This is weird....you don't even notice until you move some of the letters around just slightly!



VERY STRANGE..

Did You Know:

That the words race car spelled backward spells race car..

That eat is the only word that if you take the 1st letter and move it to the last, it spells it's past tense, ate.

And,

Have you noticed that if you rearrange the letters in "illegal immigrants," and add just a few more letters, it spells out: "Fu** off and go home you free-loading, benefit grabbing, kid producing, violent, non-English speaking co**suckers and take those hairy faced, sandal wearing, bomb making, goat fu**ing, smelly rag head bastards with you."

How weird is that?
STRANGE....HUH?

[blazzin311]

Guts or balls.?There is a medical distinction. We've all heard about people having guts or balls, but do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definitions are listed below:

GUTS - Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: 'Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?'



BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the ass and having the balls to say: You're next, Chubby...'

I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions. Medically speaking there is no difference in the outcome. Both result in death.

[blazzin311]

Police are warning all men who frequent clubs, parties & local pubs to be alert and stay cautious when offered a drink by any woman.

Many females use a date-rape-drug on the market called ' Beer' .

The drug is found in liquid form and is available anywhere. It comes in bottles, cans, or from taps and in large kegs.

Beer is used by female sexual predators at parties and bars to persuade their male victims to go home and sleep with them .

A woman needs only to get a guy to consume a few units of Beer and then simply ask him home for no-strings-attached s*x.

Men are rendered helpless against this approach. After several Beers , men will often succumb to the desires to sleep with horrific looking women to whom they would never normally be attracted.

After drinking Beer, men often awaken with only hazy memories of exactly what happened to them the night before, often with just a vague feeling that 'something bad' occurred.

At other times these unfortunate men are swindled out of their life's savings, in a familiar scam known as 'a relationship'.

In extreme cases, the female may even be shrewd enough to entrap the unsuspecting male into a longer-term form of ser vitude and punishment referred to as 'marriage'.

Men are much more susceptible to this scam after Beer is administered and s*x
is offered by the predatory females.

Please forward this warning to every male you know.

If you fall victim to this ' Beer' scam and the women administering it, there are male support groups where you can discuss the details of your shocking encounter with similarly victimized men.

For the support group nearest you, just look up 'Golf Courses' in the phone book.

For a video to see how Beer works click below:

http://www.brackenspub.com/beer.swf

[blazzin311]

My job is so fu**ing unbelievable. I'll try to sum it up by first telling you about the folks I work with:

First, there is this supermodel wanna-be chick. Yeah, okay, she is pretty hot, but damn is she completely useless. The girl is constantly fixing her hair or putting on makeup. She is extremely self-centered and has never once considered the needs or wants of anyone but herself. She is as dumb as a box of rocks, and I still find it surprising that she has enough brain power to continue to breathe.

The next chick is completely the opposite. She might even be one of the smartest people on the planet. Her career oppertunities are endless, and yet she is here with us. She is a zero on a scale of 1 to 10. I'm not sure she even showers, much less shaves her "womanly" parts. I think she might be a lesbian, because every time we drive by the hardware store, she moans like a cat in heat.

But the jewel of the crowd has got to be the fu**ing stoner. And this guy is more than just your average pothead. In fact, he is baked before he comes to work, during work, and I'm sure after work. He probably hasn't been sober anytime in the last ten years, and he's only 22. He dresses like a beatnik throwback from the 1960's, and to make things worse, he brings his big fu**ing dog to work. Every fu**ing day I have to look at this huge Great Dane walk around half-stoned from the second-hand smoke. Hell, sometimes I even think it's trying to talk with its constant bellowing. Also, both of them are constantly hungry, requiring multiple stops to McDonalds and Burger King, every single fu**ing day.

Anyway, I drive these fu**tards around in my van and we solve mysteries and sh**.

[4th and Long]

A priest is walking down the street one day when he notices a very small boy trying to press a doorbell on a house across the street. However, the boy is very small and the doorbell is too high for him to reach.

After watching the boy's efforts for some time, the priest moves closer to the boy's position. He steps smartly across the street, walks up behind the little fellow and, placing his hand kindly on the child's shoulder leans over and gives the doorbell a sold ring.

Crouching down to the child's level, the priest smiles benevolently and asks, "And now what, my little man?"

To which the boy replies, "Now we run!"

[Frankie]

A guy is driving around the back woods of Montana and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: 'Talking Dog For Sale. ' He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.

'You talk?' he asks.

'Yep,' the Lab replies.

After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says 'So, what's your story?'

The Lab looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.'
'I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running. But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.' 'I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired.'

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

'Ten dollars,' the guy says.

'Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?'

'Because he's a liar. He never did any of that sh*t.

[greg63]

A redneck was stopped by a game warden recently with two ice chests full of fish. He was leaving a cove that's well-known for its fishing.

The game warden asked the man, "Do you have a license to catch those fish?"

"No, sir," replied the redneck. "I ain't got none of them there licenses, these here are my pet fish."

"Pet fish?"

"Yeah, every night, I take these here fish down to the lake and let 'em swim 'round for awhile. Then, when I whistle, they jump right back into these here ice chests and I take 'em back home."

"That's a bunch of crap! Fish can't do that."

The redneck looked at the warden for a moment and then said, "It's the truth, Mr.Government Man, I'll show ya. It really works."

"OK," said the warden. "I've got to see this!"

The redneck poured the fish into the lake and stood and waited. After several minutes, the warden says, "Well?"

Well, what?," says the redneck.

The warden says, "When are you going to call them back?"

"Call who back?"

The FISH," replied the warden.

"What fish?" replied the redneck.


Moral of this story: We may not be as smart as some city slickers, but we ain't as dumb as some government employees.