Clean jokes can be funny too!

[Frankie]

Or at least good for a chuckle. Here's something completely different (for this BB). This thread is dedicated to ONLY CLEAN JOKES. Please post any clean joke that you find funny or at least amusing. We will not call you "dorks." Not in this thread. Let's see what you've got,... and share them.

Don't worry about repeat jokes. Nobody has time to check all posts.

[bkkcoh]

A construction worker goes to the doctor and says, "Doc, I'm constipated."

The doctor examines him for a minute and then says, "Lean over the table."

The construction worker leans over the table, the doctor whacks him on the ass with a baseball bat, CRACK... and then sends him into the bathroom.

He comes out a few minutes later and says, "Doc, I feel great. What should I do to prevent constipation in the future?"

The doctor says, "Stop wiping with cement bags!"

[KCKID58]

A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.



'Not a chance,' says the husband, 'it is 3:00 in the morning!'

He slams the door and returns to bed.



'Who was that?' asked his wife.



'Just some drunk guy asking for a push,' he answers.



'Did you help him?' she asks.



'No, I did not, it is 3:00 in the morning and it is pouring rain out there!'



'Well, you have a short memory,' says his wife. 'Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!'



The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain.



He calls out into the dark, 'Hello, are you still there?'



'Yes,' comes back the answer.



'Do you still need a push?' calls out the husband.



'Yes, please!' comes the reply from the dark.



'Where are you?' asks the husband.



'Over here on the swing,' replied the drunk...

[JD10367]

Ole vas vorking at the fish plant up north in Dulut vhen he accidentally cut off all ten of his finkers.

He vent to da emergency room in the Clinik and vhen he got dar da Norsky doctor looked at Ole and said, "Let's have da finkers and I'll see vhat I can do."

Ole said, "I haven't got da finkers."

"Vhat do you mean, you hafen't got da finkers?" he said. "Lord-it's 2009 and Ive's got microsurgery and all kinds of incredible techniques. I could haff put dem back on and made you like new! Vhy didn't you brink da finkers?"

Ole says........"How da fock vas I suppose to pick dem up?

[bkkcoh]

Each new patient at the clinic where I work must fill out a questionnaire asking basic health and personal-history questions. One query that inevitably gets a "No" answer is, "Do you now use or have you ever used recreational drugs?"

We were unprepared for the response of a young newlywed who wrote: "Yes—birth-control pills."

[bkkcoh]

As a Catholic, I'm partial to Notre Dame football. As a former Michigan resident, though, I also keep tabs on Michigan college teams. One Saturday afternoon, a neighbor dropped in while I was watching Notre Dame vs. Michigan State.

"Which team do you want to win?" he asked.

"Gee, I don't know," I replied. "I'm kind of torn between Church and State."

[bkkcoh]

A lawyer is standing in a long line at the box office. Suddenly, he feels a pair of hands kneading his shoulders, back and neck. The lawyer turns around: "What the hell do you think you're doing?"


"I'm a chiropractor," the man responds, "and I'm just keeping in practice while I'm waiting in line."


"Well, I'm a lawyer, but you don't see me screwing the guy in front of me, do you?"

[Skip Towne]

So where are the funny ones?

[StcChief]

Children were identifying Lifesavers by color: Red=Cherry, Yellow=Lemon, Green=Lime, Orange=Orange.
Finally the teacher gave them HONEY Lifesavers.
Not one child could identify the taste. The teacher said, "I will give you all a clue. It's what your mother may call your father."

One little girl looked in horror, spit hers out & yelled, 'Oh my God! They're Assholes!"

[bkkcoh]

How Today's Liberal Media Would Spin It


On Red Sea crossing:
WETLANDS TRAMPLED IN LABOR STRIKE
Pursuing Environmentalists Killed

On David vs. Goliath:
HATE CRIME KILLS BELOVED CHAMPION
Psychologist Questions Influence of Rock

On Elijah on Mt. Carmel:
FIRE SENDS RELIGIOUS RIGHT EXTREMIST INTO FRENZY
400 Killed

On the birth of Christ:
HOTELS FULL, ANIMALS LEFT HOMELESS
Animal Rights Activists Enraged by Insensitive Couple

On feeding the 5,000:
PREACHER STEALS CHILD'S LUNCH
Disciples Mystified Over Behavior

On healing the 10 lepers:
LOCAL DOCTOR'S PRACTICE RUINED
"Faith Healer" Causes Bankruptcy

On healing of the Gadarene demoniac:
MADMAN'S FRIEND CAUSES STAMPEDE
Local Farmer's Investment Lost

On raising Lazarus from the dead:
FUNDAMENTALIST PREACHER RAISES A STINK
Will Reading to be Delayed

[bkkcoh]

After my wife and I met, she mentioned how she really
wished that she could afford a riding lawnmower. She was a
single gal that worked all day and was often tired in the
evening when she got home from work.


So, being the handy sort of guy that I was,

I made her a riding lawnmower.
I guess I thought she would squeal with delight

and give me a big hug.

To this day I have never been able to understand
why women are so hard to please.

[Stryker]

A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, ’ I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir.’

The driver says, ‘Gee, officer I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating.’

Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: ‘Now don’t be silly dear, you know that this car doesn’t have cruise control.’

As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, ’Can’t you please keep your mouth shut for once?’

The wife smiles demurely and says, ‘You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did.’

As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, ‘Damit, woman, can’t you keep your mouth shut?’

The officer frowns and says, ‘And I notice that you’re not wearing your seat belt, sir. That’s an automatic $75 fine.’

The driver says, ‘Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket.’

The wife says, ‘Now, dear, you know very well that you didn’t have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you’re driving.’

And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver turns to his wife and barks, ‘WHY DON’T YOU PLEASE SHUT UP??’

The officer looks over at the woman and asks, ‘Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma’am?’

I love this part.. :

‘Only when he’s been drinking.’

[Stryker]

A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, “Relatives of yours?”

“Yep,” the wife replied, “in-laws.”

[Stryker]

A man left for work one Friday afternoon. But, being payday, instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend partying with the boys and spending his entire paycheck.

When he finally appeared at home, Sunday night, he was confronted by a very angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions.

Finally his wife stopped the nagging and simply said to him – “How would you like it if you didn’t see me for two or three days?”

To which he replied, “That would be fine with me.”

Monday went by, and he didn’t see his wife.

Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results.

Come Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.

[Stryker]

Three elderly men were having a conversation at the local nursing home regarding their problems. The 70 year old man said “Every morning at 6:00 a.m I have to get up and pee and can’t fall back to sleep until around 7:30 when I return from the bathroom.” The 80 year old man claimed “That’s nothing! Each morning around 7 o’clock I have the urge to take a bowl movement but because I am so old, it takes over an hour to finish and by then I can never get back to sleep.” The 90 year old man laughed at the other two. “Ha, every morning at 5:00 I pee like a race horse and around 6:00 I crap like a goose. The problem is I don’t get up until 9:30.”

[StcChief]

I helped at a nursing home today and asked an elderly lady, "So, how's your breakfast this morning?" "It's very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste," she replied. I then asked to see the jelly she was talking about and she handed me a foil packet labeled "KY Jelly."