Funny Stuff Clean jokes can be funny too! - Page 49

Frankie · 05:17 PM

Or at least good for a chuckle. Here's something completely different (for this BB). This thread is dedicated to ONLY CLEAN JOKES. Please post any clean joke that you find funny or at least amusing. We will not call you "dorks." Not in this thread. Let's see what you've got,... and share them.

Don't worry about repeat jokes. Nobody has time to check all posts.

pearlblue · 12-09-2011, 05:55 AM

A newly married friends were visiting us when the topic of children came up. The bride said she wanted three children, while the young husband said two would be enough for him.

They discussed this discrepancy for a few minutes until the husband thought he’d put an end to things by saying boldly, “After our second child, I’ll just have a vasectomy.”

Without a moment’s hesitation, the bride retorted, “Well, I hope you’ll love the third one as if it’s your own.”

Micjones · 12-09-2011, 08:34 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by frankotank

this one is basically clean.....I mean it's not exactly dirty....

Cooter and Jethro are out fishing one day. 1 hour goes by, 2 hours go by. Not one nibble.
Cooter - Dang it Jethro this sucks I’m bored
Jethro – I know it me too. Hey I got an ide-err, let’s play You Name It.
Cooter- OK Jethro, how you play that?
Jethro – Well it’s where I write sumthin down on a piece of paper and put it in my pocket and you get 10 questions ta ast me ta try to figure out what it is.
Cooter – OK let’s play that then.
So Jethro writes “mule dick” on a piece of paper and puts it in his pocket.
Jethro- OK Cooter, start asting.
Cooter – Hmmm…….let’s see…..is it something you can eat?
Jethro scratches his head and thinks on it a little and then says – Well I guess you could…..if you really had to….
Cooter – IS IT MULE DICK??!!

Micjones · 12-09-2011, 08:41 AM

A man hurriedly walks into a bar, flops down on a stool and tells the bartender to give him six of his most expensive shots. No sooner than the barkeep's done pouring the man devoured the shots. The bartender says, "Wow. You drunk those pretty fast!" The man replied, "You would've done the same thing if you had what I had!" Bartender says, "What do you have?" The man answered, "A dollar."

Micjones · 12-09-2011, 10:25 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by blazzin311

A guy with a black eye boards his plane bound for Pittsburgh and sits
down in his seat. He notices immediately that the guy next to him has
a black eye, too. He says to him, 'Hey this is a coincidence, we both
have black eyes; mind if I ask how you got yours?'

The other guy says, 'Well, it just happened. It was a tongue twister
accident. See, I was at the ticket counter and this gorgeous blonde

with the most massive breasts in the world was there. So, instead of saying,

'I'd like two tickets to Pittsburgh ,' I accidentally said,
'I' d like two pickets to Tittsburgh'; so she socked me a good one.'

The first guy replied, 'Wow! This is unbelievable.. Mine was a tongue
twister too. I was at the breakfast table and I wanted to say to my
wife, 'Please pour me a bowl of Frosties, honey.' But I accidentally
said, 'You ruined my life you evil, self-centered, fat-assed, bitch.'

I laughed for a full 60 seconds at this one.

Frankie · 12-09-2011, 11:19 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by pearlblue

A newly married friends were visiting us when the topic of children came up. The bride said she wanted three children, while the young husband said two would be enough for him.

They discussed this discrepancy for a few minutes until the husband thought he’d put an end to things by saying boldly, “After our second child, I’ll just have a vasectomy.”

Without a moment’s hesitation, the bride retorted, “Well, I hope you’ll love the third one as if it’s your own.”

The Rick · 12-09-2011, 11:38 AM

One day an out of work mime is visiting the zoo and attempts to earn some money as a street performer.

However, as soon as he starts to draw a crowd, the zookeeper grabs him and drags him into his office.

The zookeeper explains to the mime that the zoo’s most popular attraction, a gorilla, has died suddenly. The keeper fears that attendance at the zoo will fall off. He offers the mime a job to dress up as the gorilla until they can get another one. The mime accepts.

The next morning, before the crowd arrives, the mime puts on the gorilla suit and enters the cage. He discovers that it’s a great job. He can sleep all he wants, play and make fun of people and he draws bigger crowds than he ever did as a mime.

However, eventually the crowds tire of him and he gets bored just swinging on tires. He begins to notice that the people are paying more attention to the lion in the cage next to his.

Not wanting to lose the attention of his audience, he climbs to the top of his cage, crawls across a partition, and dangles from the top to the lion’s cage. Of course, this makes the lion furious, but the crowd loves it.

At the end of the day the zookeeper comes and gives the mime a raise for being such a good attraction as a gorilla.

Well, this goes on for some time. The mime keeps taunting the lion, the crowds grow larger, and his salary keeps going up. Then one terrible day when he is dangling over the furious lion, he slips and falls. The mime is terrified. The lion gathers itself and prepares to pounce. The mime is so scared that he begins to run round and round the cage with the lion close behind.

Finally, the mime starts screaming and yelling, “Help, Help me!”, but the lion is quick and pounces. The mime soon finds himself flat on his back looking up at the angry lion and the lion says, “Shut up you idiot! Do you want to get us both fired?”

Holladay · 12-09-2011, 01:23 PM

Quote:

I laughed for a full 60 seconds at this one.

I told that one to my wife. She was lost as to the humor value

Micjones · 12-09-2011, 03:51 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by greg63

You've do?

THREAD.

Micjones · 12-09-2011, 03:57 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by mikey23545

While riding one day, a cowboy met an Indian riding along with a dog and sheep and began a conversation. Cowboy: "Hey, cool dog you got there. Mind if I speak to him?"
Indian: "Dog no talk."

Cowboy: "Hey dog, how's it going?"

Dog: "Doin' alright."

Indian: Look of shock.

Cowboy: "Is this Indian your owner?" pointing at the Indian.

Dog: "Yep"

Cowboy: "How does he treat you?"

Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food, and takes me to the lake once a week to play."

Indian: Look of total disbelief.

Cowboy: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"

Indian: "Horse no talk."

Cowboy: "Hey horse, how's it going?"

Horse: "Cool."

Indian: Extreme look of shock.

Cowboy: "Is this your owner? " pointing at Indian

Horse: "Yep"

Cowboy: "How's he treat you?"

Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down often, and keeps me in a shed to protect me."

Indian: Total look of utter amazement.

Cowboy: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?"

Indian: "Sheep liar."

DEAD.

**Bwana** · 12-16-2011, 03:30 PM

Testicle Therapy:

Two women were playing golf.

One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. The ball hit one of the men.

He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony. The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize.

"Please allow me to help.I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me," she told him. "Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes," the man replied.

He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position,still clasping his hands there at his groin. At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help.

She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side,loosened his pants and put her hands inside.

She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked, "How does that feel?"

"Feels great," he replied, but I still think my thumb's broken."

**Buck** · 12-16-2011, 03:42 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Bwana

Testicle Therapy:

Two women were playing golf.

One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headeddirectly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. The ball hit one of the men.

He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin,fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony. The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize.

"Please allow me to help.I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve yourpain if you'd allow me," she told him. "Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes," the man replied.

He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position,still clasping his hands there at his groin. At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help.

She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side,loosened his pants and put her hands inside.

She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked, "How does that feel?"

"Feels great," he repliedbut I still think my thumb's broken."

LOL

threebag · 12-16-2011, 03:48 PM

What do you call a pro bowl quarterback? Matt Cassel

**Bwana** · 12-16-2011, 04:21 PM

I would like to share an experience with you about drinking and driving.

As you know over the years some of us have had brushes with the authorities on our way home from social events.

Well, I have done something about it:

A couple of nights ago, I was out for dinner and ended up having a few too many drinks with some friends.

Knowing I may have been over the limit, I did something I've never done before - I took a bus home.

I arrived safely and without incident which was a real surprise since I had never even driven a bus before and am not sure where I got this one.

Please keep this in mind as you enjoy the holiday season.

Frankie · 12-16-2011, 04:33 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Bwana

I would like to share an experience with you about drinking and driving.

As you know over the years some of us have had brushes with the authorities on our way home from social events.

Well, I have done something about it:

A couple of nights ago, I was out for dinner and ended up having a few too many drinks with some friends.

Knowing I may have been over the limit, I did something I've never done before - I took a bus home.

I arrived safely and without incident which was a real surprise since I had never even driven a bus before and am not sure where I got this one.

Please keep this in mind as you enjoy the holiday season.

LOL

**Smed1065** · 12-21-2011, 08:13 PM

The best stories are the true ones. If you've ever testified in court, you might wish you could have been as sharp as this cop. A defense attorney was cross-examining a police officer during a felony trial. It went like this:
Q. Officer, did you see my client fleeing the scene?
A. No sir, but I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender running several blocks away.
Q. And who provided this description?
A. It was the officer who responded to the scene.
Q. A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?
A. Yes sir, with my life.
Q. With your life? Let me ask you this then officer, do you have a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?
A. Yes sir, we do.
Q. And do you have a locker in that room?
A. Yes sir, I do.
Q. And do you have a lock on your locker?
A. Yes sir.
Q. Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, that you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with those same officers?
A. You see sir, we share the building with the court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room.

09-25-2005, 09:00 AM
Frankie Banned Join Date: Jul 2001 Casino cash: $10004900	Clean jokes can be funny too! Or at least good for a chuckle. Here's something completely different (for this BB). This thread is dedicated to ONLY CLEAN JOKES. Please post any clean joke that you find funny or at least amusing. We will not call you "dorks." Not in this thread. Let's see what you've got,... and share them. Don't worry about repeat jokes. Nobody has time to check all posts. Last edited by Frankie; 07-10-2011 at 05:17 PM..
Posts: 26,959

12-09-2011, 05:55 AM	#721
pearlblue Rookie Join Date: Dec 2011 Casino cash: $10004900	A newly married friends were visiting us when the topic of children came up. The bride said she wanted three children, while the young husband said two would be enough for him. They discussed this discrepancy for a few minutes until the husband thought he’d put an end to things by saying boldly, “After our second child, I’ll just have a vasectomy.” Without a moment’s hesitation, the bride retorted, “Well, I hope you’ll love the third one as if it’s your own.”
Posts: 25

12-09-2011, 08:41 AM	#723
Micjones Whose house? Join Date: Mar 2007 Location: KCMO Casino cash: $10005180	A man hurriedly walks into a bar, flops down on a stool and tells the bartender to give him six of his most expensive shots. No sooner than the barkeep's done pouring the man devoured the shots. The bartender says, "Wow. You drunk those pretty fast!" The man replied, "You would've done the same thing if you had what I had!" Bartender says, "What do you have?" The man answered, "A dollar." __________________ It's like when I'm right I'm right, when I'm wrong I could been right, so I'm still right cause I coulda been wrong.
Posts: 15,344

12-09-2011, 11:38 AM	#726
The Rick Veteran Join Date: Aug 2000 Location: Milwaukee, WI Casino cash: $7591320	Zoo Performer One day an out of work mime is visiting the zoo and attempts to earn some money as a street performer. However, as soon as he starts to draw a crowd, the zookeeper grabs him and drags him into his office. The zookeeper explains to the mime that the zoo’s most popular attraction, a gorilla, has died suddenly. The keeper fears that attendance at the zoo will fall off. He offers the mime a job to dress up as the gorilla until they can get another one. The mime accepts. The next morning, before the crowd arrives, the mime puts on the gorilla suit and enters the cage. He discovers that it’s a great job. He can sleep all he wants, play and make fun of people and he draws bigger crowds than he ever did as a mime. However, eventually the crowds tire of him and he gets bored just swinging on tires. He begins to notice that the people are paying more attention to the lion in the cage next to his. Not wanting to lose the attention of his audience, he climbs to the top of his cage, crawls across a partition, and dangles from the top to the lion’s cage. Of course, this makes the lion furious, but the crowd loves it. At the end of the day the zookeeper comes and gives the mime a raise for being such a good attraction as a gorilla. Well, this goes on for some time. The mime keeps taunting the lion, the crowds grow larger, and his salary keeps going up. Then one terrible day when he is dangling over the furious lion, he slips and falls. The mime is terrified. The lion gathers itself and prepares to pounce. The mime is so scared that he begins to run round and round the cage with the lion close behind. Finally, the mime starts screaming and yelling, “Help, Help me!”, but the lion is quick and pounces. The mime soon finds himself flat on his back looking up at the angry lion and the lion says, “Shut up you idiot! Do you want to get us both fired?”
Posts: 2,438

12-16-2011, 03:30 PM	#730
Bwana It's Five O'Clock Somewhere Join Date: Aug 2000 Location: Billings, Montana Casino cash: $2139553647	Testicle Therapy: Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony. The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize. "Please allow me to help.I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me," she told him. "Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes," the man replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position,still clasping his hands there at his groin. At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side,loosened his pants and put her hands inside. She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked, "How does that feel?" "Feels great," he replied, but I still think my thumb's broken." __________________ Adventure is dangerous....but monotony can kill you. Last edited by Bwana; 12-16-2011 at 04:26 PM..
Posts: 69,740

12-16-2011, 03:48 PM	#732
threebag Snacks Are Under My Apron Join Date: Jan 2006 Location: The Edge Casino cash: $3021660	What do you call a pro bowl quarterback? Matt Cassel __________________ Free DeBerg HayWire Greatest Mod Ever In big nasty kcnut we trust
Posts: 23,865

12-16-2011, 04:21 PM	#733
Bwana It's Five O'Clock Somewhere Join Date: Aug 2000 Location: Billings, Montana Casino cash: $2139553647	I would like to share an experience with you about drinking and driving. As you know over the years some of us have had brushes with the authorities on our way home from social events. Well, I have done something about it: A couple of nights ago, I was out for dinner and ended up having a few too many drinks with some friends. Knowing I may have been over the limit, I did something I've never done before - I took a bus home. I arrived safely and without incident which was a real surprise since I had never even driven a bus before and am not sure where I got this one. Please keep this in mind as you enjoy the holiday season. __________________ Adventure is dangerous....but monotony can kill you.
Posts: 69,740	1 0

12-21-2011, 08:13 PM	#735
Smed1065 Supporter Join Date: Nov 2003 Location: Returning From Hell Casino cash: $7983673	The best stories are the true ones. If you've ever testified in court, you might wish you could have been as sharp as this cop. A defense attorney was cross-examining a police officer during a felony trial. It went like this: Q. Officer, did you see my client fleeing the scene? A. No sir, but I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender running several blocks away. Q. And who provided this description? A. It was the officer who responded to the scene. Q. A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers? A. Yes sir, with my life. Q. With your life? Let me ask you this then officer, do you have a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties? A. Yes sir, we do. Q. And do you have a locker in that room? A. Yes sir, I do. Q. And do you have a lock on your locker? A. Yes sir. Q. Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, that you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with those same officers? A. You see sir, we share the building with the court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room.
Posts: 9,819