This Week's Important Florida News!

[gblowfish]

Two Boffo Stories:

Story One: Man arrested for giving wicked wedgies, or snuggies, or melvyns, or whatever you call pulling the underwear over a nerd's head.

Story Two: Fifty Year Old School Teacher Gets Tanked on Cheap Wine, wrecks her van, offers to blow the cop if he lets her go.

Florida, I love you. You're just so fun!

Story #1:
Charles Ross is known for orchestrating outrageous pranks and posting them to Youtube. But this time, the 18-year-old prankster may have gone a step too far.

Ross was arrested for battery Sunday night after he allegedly gave a series of wedgies to moviegoers outside the Carmike Royal Palm 20 in Bradenton, Fla., while a friend filmed the prank, the Bradenton Herald reports.

The underwear prank, which Gawker calls a "wedgie spree," ended badly for Ross when a 20-year-old male victim reported to authorities that Ross grabbed him "by the back of his pants and pulled them up hard," according to the Smoking Gun. Although other victims of the schoolyard prank also came forward, the 20-year-old is the only one seeking charges.

On his Youtube channel, Ross has uploaded video footage of him performing a variety of pranks -- from doing handstands over people to trying out pick-up lines -- but the latest in his compilation is by far one of his most hands-on public displays.

According to the police report obtained by the Smoking Gun, Ross challenged the male victim following the wedgie, "asking if he wanted to hit him."

The Mantee County Sheriff's Office arrested Ross and detained him overnight. He was released on $750 bail, records show, and his court date is set for Feb. 14.

Though Ross' wedgie spree was meant in jest, this is not the first time someone has been arrested for doling out the uncomfortable underwear gag. In 2006, an Albany, N.Y., teacher was arrested for endangering the welfare of a child after allegedly giving a 10-year-old student a wedgie during summer school.

http://www.manateesheriff.com/Public...px?ID=10125392

Story #2:
'A' for effort?
Middle school math teacher Mary Maloney allegedly offered oral sex to a police officer after being nabbed for a hit-and-run in Palm Beach County, Fla.

Maloney, 53, was arrested Sunday after she crashed her van into a pickup truck around 8:35 p.m., then took off, according to an arrest report obtained by the Sun Sentinel. A witness to the crash tracked Maloney's car to a parking spot and then called police.

The arresting officer said he found an empty gallon jug of wine behind Maloney's driver's seat and "immediately smelled the strong odor of an alcoholic beverage emitting from her person," according to WPTV. The report states that her eyes were glassy, bloodshot, and partially closed.
The officer that drove Maloney to the police station noted that she asked him "How much do I need to pay you to just let me go? Don't you understand I am a school teacher?"

She then allegedly offered to perform oral sex on him and allow him to fondle her breasts.

Maloney was charged with driving under the influence, leaving the scene of a crash with damage, resisting an officer without violence, driving with a suspended license and attempted bribery of a public servant.

[BigRedChief]

Florida loves their guns. From Colbert

FFFFFF;padding:4px;margin-top:4px;margin-bottom:0px;font-family:Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;font-size:12px;">The Colbert Report
Get More: Daily Show Full Episodes,Indecision Political Humor,The Colbert Report on Facebook

[ForeverChiefs58]

Florida judge fist fights with lawyer in middle of court


http://youtu.be/Wdh_-PnWQXw


Wish more judges would beat the shit out of more attorneys

[Coochie liquor]

Meanwhile in Florida....

[GloryDayz]

Originally Posted by Coochie liquor

Meanwhile in Florida....

Meh, it's better with no sand to get in the crack of your ass!

[gblowfish]

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/0...ushpmg00000022

Walker? I barely know her!

A resident of a Florida retirement community was allegedly caught having sex outside with her younger lover on June 2, according to a police report obtained by The Smoking Gun.

Margaret Ann Klemm, 68, and David Bobilya, 49, were charged with indecent exposure and disorderly conduct after being allegedly caught sans pants in the "square" of The Villages in Sumter County. The Village is known as "Florida's friendliest retirement hometown."

Klemm was also allegedly without a shirt, and officials say they both appeared intoxicated.

Margot Harris, a sex columnist at Brown University, told HuffPost in April that she believed the desire to have sex in public likely fades as people get older. Apparently, she was wrong.

Seriously, just because you're a senior citizen doesn't mean you don't want to try new things in bed. In fact, in February a 72-year-old man allegedly got the cops called on him by his wife because he asked her to "hook up with his sisters."

[lcarus]

[Rain Man]

This is an interesting Florida story. I'd really like to know more about the missile.

http://jezebel.com/woman-who-shot-mi...e-e-1589467389

Woman Who Shot Missile Into Car Has Most Florida Name EVER (EVER)


This woman's name is so amazing I had to call the sheriff' s department to confirm.

A Florida woman was arrested in May for shooting a missile into a vehicle. While this already raises some interesting questions (how did someone get access to a missile and why would she waste it on a car instead of selling it to the Russians), what's even more interesting is the woman's name, which appears on her booking record as, well, here's a photo:

Woman Who Shot Missile Into Car Has Most Florida Name EVER (EVER)




While I couldn't get any information on the actual arrest, I had to confirm that the name was real so I put on my reporter hat and started making phone calls. After talking to a worker who wouldn't give me her name at the Florida Department of Law Enforcement, I was directed to the Polk County Sheriff's Office, where I spoke with Sharon (not interested in talking to me) and Linda, tireless public servant. keeper of the records and star of this particular story

Here's how our conversation went:

Me: Hi, I'm calling to ask about a name of one of the people you booked and released in May.

Linda: Not yesterday?

Me: No, May.

Linda: Okay, what is her name?

Me: Crystal Metheney.

Linda: Hmmm. And what is your question, sir? (Linda calling me sir was the highlight of my day because usually my high-pitched nasal twang gets a "ma'am" or an "are your parents home?")

Me: Is that her real name? And was she arrested for shooting a missile?

Linda: That's what it says here.

Me: Not an alias?

Linda: No.

Me: That's a pretty amazing name.

Linda: (Sighs) Sir, this is Florida. We have a lot of interesting names here.

It's unlikely that we'll ever know more about Metheney — she was released on a $5000 bond and is hopefully not using her money to buy any more missiles — but Linda will live on through the ages. In fact, if anyone deserves a sitcom (or a documentary on TRU TV) it's Linda.

[gblowfish]

Maybe they were trying to speed read.

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/0...ushpmg00000022

Tiffany Stoltz, 23, and Raymond King, 28, are accused of cooking meth on the grounds of the Jacaranda Public Library in Venice, Florida, the Sarasota Herald-Tribune reports.

The Sarasota County Sheriff's Office received a tip on Monday that someone appeared to be making meth near the library, according to the Bradenton Herald. An undercover officer responded to the scene and reported that King "removed several items from his backpack, and began mixing liquids," according to a news release. Stoltz was sitting on a mattress nearby.

The couple was taken into custody. Officers recovered common meth-making ingredients such as pseudoephedrine, liquid petroleum fuel, lithium batteries and tubing.

Stoltz and King are homeless, according to the Bradenton Herald, and police say King had been living at the library for about a month.

They are both charged with felony counts of attempt to manufacture methamphetamine and possession of listed chemicals with intent to manufacture.

As Barbara Hijek notes in the Sun Sentinel, "Guess they wanted to make their meth by the book.

[gblowfish]

Rock Lobster! Down...Down...Down.....Your Pants!

That's one shellfish person.

A Florida woman is in hot water after allegedly shoplifting seven lobster tails by hiding them in her pants.

Police in DeLand arrested Nichole Ann Reed, 30, on Thursday after a security guard said he saw Reed leave the market without paying for the delicious crustaceans, the Orlando Sentinel reports.

The lobster tails were valued at $11.99 each.

Reed allegedly told police she planned to trade the tails with a friend for either a Chinese buffet meal or the prescription drug Dilaudid, according to ClickOrlando.com.

Reed was charged with petty theft and taken to the Volusia County Branch Jail.

She has been previously arrested several times for disorderly conduct, domestic battery and battery causing bodily harm, according to the Daytona Beach News-Journal.

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/0...ushpmg00000022

[gblowfish]

Kill it with Grits!!!

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/0...ushpmg00000022

Don't throw these anywhere but straight into our mouths.

ORLANDO, Fla. (AP) — A Florida man has been charged with attempted murder after throwing a pan of hot grease and grits at a man who was on his front porch.

Edward Holley told investigators that he had gotten into an argument with Darryl Blacknell on Tuesday night. When he saw Blacknell on his porch the next day, he says he took the hot pan from his stove and threw it on the man.

Orlando police say Holley told them they should just arrest him because "next time I am going to kill him."

Investigators say Blacknell is in the hospital with second- and third-degree burns. He told them he was playing cards with Holley's cousin when he was attacked.

Holley remains in the Orange County Jail, charged with attempted second-degree murder. Records do not list an attorney for him.

[BigRedChief]

Prisoner smuggles gun into prison.......to shoot himself and sue the prison and state.

http://www.wctv.tv/home/headlines/Fl...263531801.html


LAKE CITY, Fla. - The Florida Department of Law Enforcement Tallahassee Regional Operations Center charged seven based upon a scheme by two inmates to sue the Florida Department of Corrections after self-inflicting gunshot wounds. Five are in custody and two are at-large.



FDLE began its investigation on March 22, 2014 after two inmates were shot with a .25 caliber Beretta semi-automatic pistol inside Columbia Correctional Institution in Lake City. Inmates Kirk Cartwright, 33, and Deshandre Billups, 26, told investigators they were shot by an unknown person while praying inside their cell. However, investigators found that the inmates conspired to bring a gun into the prison through the mail, and shoot themselves with the intent of suing the prison system.



The investigation shows that inmates Cartwright and Billups smuggled contraband items into the prison without detection of Columbia CI staff. The pair routinely smuggled in cell phones and drugs they sold to other inmates or kept for themselves. Family members and friends of the two inmates, along with inmate Tony Underwood, 21, helped in the scheme.



Inmate Kirk Cartwright – Investigators found that Cartwright conspired to obtain a gun inside Columbia CI, intentionally shoot himself and then sue Department of Corrections and seek to have his sentence reduced. Cartwright is currently serving a life sentence for murder.
Inmate Deshandre Billups - Investigators found that Billups conspired to obtain a gun inside Columbia CI, intentionally shoot himself and then sue Department of Corrections and seek to have his sentence reduced. Billups is serving a 20-year prison term for robbery with a deadly weapon and armed burglary.
Both inmates are charged with:
• Possession of a firearm inside a correctional facility;
• Introduction of contraband into a correctional facility- unauthorized written communications, 10 counts;
• Possession of contraband in a correctional facility- cellular phones, 10 counts;
• Possession of a firearm by convicted felon; and
• Possession of ammunition by convicted felon.
Additionally, inmate Billups is charged with possession of contraband-currency and inmate Cartwright is charged with introduction of contraband-controlled substances.
Inmate Underwood- Investigators found that inmate Underwood assisted in the distribution of contraband into Columbia CI. He is serving a six-year prison sentence for burglary and grand theft.
Inmate Underwood is charged with:
• Introduction of contraband into a correctional facility- unauthorized written communications, 10 counts; and
• Possession of contraband in a correctional facility- cellular phones, 10 counts.
Joanne Billups, 46, –Investigators found that inmate Billups’ mother knowingly communicated with her son via cell phone and text messages and that she sent at least 10 text messages in the days before the shooting including one less than two hours before the incident. Billups was arrested this morning and booked into Hillsborough County Jail on a $100,000 bond.
Ekecia Anderson, 21, - Investigators found that Anderson knowingly communicated with her boyfriend, inmate Underwood, via cell phone and text messages. An arrest warrant has been issued for Anderson.
Monique Thompson, 35, - Investigators found that Thompson knowingly communicated with her brother, inmate Cartwright, via cell phone and text messages. An arrest warrant has been issued for Thompson.
Billups, Anderson and Thompson are charged with unauthorized written communications with inmates, 10 counts each.
Katherine Landrum, 28, – Investigators found that inmate Cartwright’s girlfriend assisted with bringing contraband into Columbia CI. She is charged with 10 counts of introduction of contraband into a correctional facility-unauthorized written communications and introduction of contraband-controlled substances. Landrum was arrested this morning and booked into Duval County Jail on a $110,000 bond.\


The investigation is on-going and additional arrests and charges are anticipated. The Florida Department of Corrections is assisting FDLE with its investigation. The Office of the State Attorney, 3rd Judicial Circuit, is prosecuting this case.

[notorious]

Originally Posted by gblowfish

As Barbara Hijek notes in the Sun Sentinel, "Guess they wanted to make their meth by the book.

YEEEEEAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!!

[BigRedChief]

22 Black and White photos that prove Florida has always been a weird place.
http://www.buzzfeed.com/katienotopou...ys-been#dnuke5

[scho63]

I didn't want to start an entire thread with this one story but it is Floriduh worthy!

Catch her name-Princess Marks!

http://www.thesmokinggun.com/buster/...had-sex-876502

A Louisiana woman left her two young children unattended in her SUV while she performed oral sex on her boyfriend in his vehicle around 12:30 AM Friday, police report.

Princess Marks, 25, reportedly admitted to Calcasieu Parish Sheriff’s Office deputies that she was unable to see her children--aged seven and five--while she was pleasuring her boyfriend in the parking lot of a Lake Charles store.

Cops found the children inside the SUV, which was not running and had its windows down.

Marks’s post-midnight assignation resulted in her arrest for child desertion. Seen in the adjacent mug shot, Marks was booked into jail and later released after posting $5000 bond on the felony count.

Following her collar, Marks’s offspring were placed in the custody of family members. Her beau--whom investigators did not identify--was not arrested.

[Mr. Plow]

Mother arrested after allowing 7 year son go to park alone



Port St. Lucie, FL (WPTV) — A mom faces a charge of child neglect after she allowed her son to go to a park alone. She says he’s old enough but Port St. Lucie Police disagree. Now she’s fighting back.

“I’m totally dumbfounded by this whole situation,” says Nicole Gainey.

It began last Saturday afternoon when Gainey gave her son Dominic permission to walk from their house to Sportsman’s Park .

“Honestly didn’t think I was doing anything wrong,” says Gainey, “I was letting him go play.

It’s a half mile from their Port St. Lucie home. Dominic says it only takes him about 10 to 15 minutes to get there. During the walk, the 7-year-old passed a public pool. Someone there asked him where his mom was.

“They asked me a couple questions and I got scared so I ran off to the park and they called the cops,” says Dominic Guerrisi.

Dominic was playing at the park when an officer pulled up.

“They said ‘where does your mom live,’ ” says Dominic.

Police took him home. That’s when his mom was arrested and charged with child neglect. Gainey says she was shocked.

“My own bondsman said my parents would have been in jail every day,” says Gainey who paid nearly $4,000 to bond out.

The officer wrote in the report that Dominic was unsupervised at the park and that “numerous sex offenders reside in the vicinity.”

“He just basically kept going over that there’s pedophiles and this and that and basically the park wasn’t safe and he shouldn’t be there alone,” says Gainey.

She believes Dominic is mature enough to go to the park alone during the day. Gainey adds her son always has a cell phone which she calls to check on him.

“That I’m here and safe,” says Dominic.

Gainey plans to fight the felony charge. But after this she won’t let Dominic go to the park alone. She’s afraid she’ll be arrested again.

The St. Lucie County State’s Attorney’s office says there is no law that specifies how old a child has to be before he or she can go somewhere unsupervised. It’s done on a case-by-case basis.