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Old 10-18-2013, 05:52 PM  
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The Great American Menu: Foods Of The States, Ranked And Mapped



What are the United States' best regional foodstuffs? Its worst? These are the questions that bedevil the mind of man—but no longer! For here, we have ranked them. Rigorously scientific (not), ardently researched (nope), and scrupulously fair (not even a little bit): this is the Great American Menu!
Each state (plus the District of Columbia) gets one, and only one, signature foodstuff. And we selected actual food preparations; no state gets credit merely for being the geographic location where a certain edible flora or fauna happens to grow or swim or graze. But enough of that bullshit. On to the rankings! (For a full-size version of Jim Cooke's map, click here.)

The Greats

1. Chicago-style deep-dish pizza (Illinois)

Man is mortal. He frolics upon the grass of life for but a short season, and then is snatched back to the inanimate dirt of his origin. The Chicago-style deep-dish pizza, America's greatest regional foodstuff—all those toppings, good God so much cheese and meat, I can hear my heartbeat, this can't be right, it sounds like a goddamn chainsaw, can that be right?—will greatly hasten that day's arrival, but it will also fill at least a little part of at least one of those days with a transcendent, mind-boggling, outrageously indulgent sensory experience. This is the best thing any food can do, and certainly far beyond the capabilities of [stares daggers at New York] a sheet of soggy cardboard with a flap of waxy melted cheese stretched across it.

2. Shrimp and grits (South Carolina)

Shrimp. Grits. Tasty, satisfying, authentically South Carolinian. Perfect.

3. Mission-style burrito (California)

The Mission-style burrito is especially great because, nowadays, you don't have to go all the way to California to get a good one. In fact, you can even leave California at 125 miles per hour, screaming and crying because your organ systems are rightly rejecting the state of California like a grafted-on walrus tail because California is awful, and still get a tasty Mission-style burrito pretty much wherever you end up! This is because a Mission-style burrito is just a really fuggin' large burrito with extra rice and (figurative) shit in it. Mmmmmmmm.

4. Crab cake (Maryland)

As we've established (here, here, and here), blue crab—particularly the Chesapeake blue crab—is the best of all ingestibles. However, the Maryland crab cake ranks fourth on this list, simply because so many of the various foodstuffs calling themselves crab cakes are really just mildly crab-flavored bread wads for ninnies, which are nonetheless priced as though they contain some quantity of actual by-God crabmeat measurable in units larger than the zeptogram. This means that the best way to obtain a genuine crabcake, rather than an OldBayseasoningandcrushedcrackerscake, is to make one at home—and, so long as you can find yourself a tub of crabmeat to work with, you don't have to be anywhere near Maryland to do that. (That's a good thing. Maryland drivers. Holy shit.)

5. Peach pie/cobbler (Georgia)

Peaches are good. Pie crust and/or biscuit dough are/is good. Good on ya, Georgia.

6. Gumbo (Louisiana)

Yeah, yeah, Louisiana also has the po' boy and the beignet, but really, those are New Orleans foods, and New Orleans already thinks more than highly enough of itself. Besides, neither of those is as tasty as Creole gumbo, which, factually, is the sole credible argument for not sinking that state into the Gulf of Mexico.

7. Key lime pie (Florida)
1
But what about the Cuban sandwich?!?!?!?! First of all, there's some controversy about the Cuban sandwich's origins: Either it is from Cuba, in which case it is Cuba's sandwich and not Florida's, or it is from Tampa, in which case it is not a Cuban sandwich and has a dumb name, in which case it sucks because things from Tampa suck because Tampa sucks. In any case it is not as definitively Floridian as Key lime pie, which originated in Florida and is made with ingredients—Key limes—that are native to Florida and nowhere else. (It also doesn't taste as good as Key lime pie. So there.) Anyway Key lime pie is very good and I don't know how we wound up talking about the Cuban sandwich this whole time so let's just move on.

8. Fried green tomatoes (Alabama)

... at the Whistle Stop Cafe, yawl! There is nothing to say about fried green tomatoes. They taste very good and you should eat some.
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Old 10-18-2013, 09:56 PM   #61
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Salmon again. It really isn't that big of a deal.

My grandma used to make that green jello with shredded carrots in it that is mentioned for Utah. IIRC it also had pineapple. I never liked it.

I'm surprised Idaho's isn't potato based.
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Old 10-18-2013, 09:56 PM   #62
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What the **** is a California burrito? Never had one in my 27 years living in Cali.
You're missing out. Check it out on wikipedia.
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Old 10-18-2013, 09:58 PM   #63
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I am from Virginia and country ham is a big deal. Smithfield ham is an ever bigger deal. I am guessing the creator had no idea how to soak the ham. You don't eat it right after you scrap the mold off. The flavor of the very best is very close to serrano and prosciutto. Country ham is fantastic, put in on a biscuit and it is heaven. That or eat it with some grits and redeye gravy.
Yup. I was born in Newport News myself.
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Old 10-18-2013, 10:00 PM   #64
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I'm calling a revote. I think Kansas should be the Baconator.
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Old 10-18-2013, 10:01 PM   #65
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Kansas native here. The **** is Hamburger Casserole?
It's been covered in this thread.
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Old 10-18-2013, 10:02 PM   #66
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I'm calling a revote. I think Kansas should be the Baconator.
Hell if Kansas gets that all to theirselves. That's America's burger.
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Old 10-18-2013, 10:09 PM   #67
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Colorado is Cowboy Cookies? WTF are Cowboy Cookies? The only cookies most Coloradans eat are the medicated kind.

The state food for Colorado is definitely Pork Green Chili. If you haven't had it, the next time you come to Colorado for some skiing and/or weed, you have to try it. Nothing better after skiing than a big bowl of Colorado Green Chili over a folded tortilla.

http://blog.pe.com/food-and-drink/20...o-green-chili/
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Old 10-18-2013, 10:10 PM   #68
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Salmon again. It really isn't that big of a deal.

My grandma used to make that green jello with shredded carrots in it that is mentioned for Utah. IIRC it also had pineapple. I never liked it.

I'm surprised Idaho's isn't potato based.
I lived in Washington for a couple years. Yes, the salmon was good. But the berry pies were even better. Blueberries, blackberries, and salmonberries grew all over the place in western Washington. You could just go out and pick them.
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Old 10-18-2013, 10:17 PM   #69
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I lived in Washington for a couple years. Yes, the salmon was good. But the berry pies were even better. Blueberries, blackberries, and salmonberries grew all over the place in western Washington. You could just go out and pick them.
I would think apples, cherries and/or huckleberries are more of a Washington thing than salmon.
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Old 10-18-2013, 10:21 PM   #70
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Ohio

52. Cincinnati chili (Ohio)

For the mercifully unacquainted, "Cincinnati chili," the worst regional foodstuff in America or anywhere else, is a horrifying diarrhea sludge (most commonly encountered in the guise of the "Skyline" brand) that Ohioans slop across plain spaghetti noodles and hot dogs as a way to make the rest of us feel grateful that our own shit-eating is (mostly) figurative.
I have "talked" to quite a few people on-line that say they put chili over spaghetti noodle and I don't think they were from Ohio. Is that an East Coast thing or something. The idea makes me shudder but it seems a lot of people do it.
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Old 10-18-2013, 10:24 PM   #71
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I have "talked" to quite a few people on-line that say they put chili over spaghetti noodle and I don't think they were from Ohio. Is that an East Coast thing or something. The idea makes me shudder but it seems a lot of people do it.
It's also called Spaghetti Red.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Spaghetti_Red

There used to be a place in Joplin, MO that was famous for it.
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Old 10-18-2013, 10:24 PM   #72
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Its a Cincinnati thing. Its called chili but it is more akin to spaghetti sauce. The funny thing is I guess the creator didn't realize that the same chili that is put over spaghetti noodles in Cincinnati is the same thing that is on DCs half smoke.
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Old 10-18-2013, 10:26 PM   #73
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It's also called Spaghetti Red.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Spaghetti_Red

There used to be a place in Joplin, MO that was famous for it.
Ah - so it's a weird Midwest thing then.
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Old 10-18-2013, 10:29 PM   #74
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Ah - so it's a weird Midwest thing then.
I dunno, it's certainly not popular here.
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Old 10-18-2013, 10:31 PM   #75
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Green Jello with carrots is awesome.

**** you philistines.
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