Funny Stuff Clean jokes can be funny too! - Page 19

Frankie · 05:17 PM

Or at least good for a chuckle. Here's something completely different (for this BB). This thread is dedicated to ONLY CLEAN JOKES. Please post any clean joke that you find funny or at least amusing. We will not call you "dorks." Not in this thread. Let's see what you've got,... and share them.

Don't worry about repeat jokes. Nobody has time to check all posts.

greg63 · 10-17-2006, 05:31 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by kcchiefsguru

Ed was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really
ticked off. She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the
driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE"!

The next morning, Ed got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up,
she looked out the window and sure enough there was a small box gift-wrapped
in the middle of the driveway.

Confused, the wife put on her robe, ran out to the driveway and brought the
box back in the house. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Funeral services for Ed have been scheduled for Friday.

**Easy 6** · 10-17-2006, 06:14 AM

LOL.....theres some gooduns here. Some of the funniest stuff ever is clean, a favorite example i always use is the celebrity roasts. Now i always get chuckles from the new ones but they cant hold a candle to the old Dean Martin roasts for old fashioned, clean (comparatively) giggles. They just had so much class back then and could make you laugh just as hard without all the vulgarity and mean spirited stuff. Clean funny is a lost art......sign o' the times.

greg63 · 10-17-2006, 06:29 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by scott free

LOL.....theres some gooduns here. Some of the funniest stuff ever is clean, a favorite example i always use is the celebrity roasts. Now i always get chuckles from the new ones but they cant hold a candle to the old Dean Martin roasts for old fashioned, clean (comparatively) giggles. They just had so much class back then and could make you laugh just as hard without all the vulgarity and mean spirited stuff. Clean funny is a lost art......sign o' the times.

I agree.

Frankie · 10-17-2006, 08:36 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Gonzo

A man and his wife were lying in bed one night when the man let out a huge fart. He yells, "Touchdown, six points!" His wife looks at him and says, "What are you doing?" He replied, "Playing fart football." So she giggles and squeezes one out. She then yells, "All tied up!" Not to be outdone, the man lets out a small squeeker and says, "Field goal! I'm up by three!" The wife looks at him and forces a huge one out, "Touchdown and a two-point conversion! I'm winning!" Well now the man is agitated and pushes with all his might. Well he pushed a little too hard and crapped the bed. His wife asks, "What was that?" The husband replies, "Halftime, switch sides!"

"Clean" joke,...huh?

Fairplay · 10-17-2006, 05:55 PM

Three guys go to heaven. God asks the first guy how many times he's cheated on his wife. The first guy replies that he's only cheated on his wife five times. God says "not bad, you get to drive a yugo." So the guy got in his new car and drove off. The second guy was asked the same question, and replied that he only cheated on his wife once. God replied: "Good, you'll get to drive this luxury sedan." The third guy was asked the same question and replied: "I've never cheated on my wife at all. For my entire life, I have been faithful to only one woman." God replied: "Great, you have lived a pure life. You get to drive this Jaguar.

A while later, the three guys met up and noticed the guy in the Jaguar was bawling like a baby. The first guy replied "hey, why are you crying? You're driving around in a Jaguar after all." The guy in the Jaguar responded: "I just saw my wife... and she was riding a skateboard."

**007** · 10-19-2006, 12:45 AM

A man was walking home alone late one foggy night,

when behind him he hears:

!
BUMP...

BUMP...

BUMP...

Walking faster, he looks back and through the fog h e makes out the image of an upright casket banging its way down the middle of the street toward him.

BUMP...

BUMP...

BUMP...

Terrified, the man begins to run toward his home, the casket bouncing quickly behind him

FASTER...

FASTER...

BUMP...

BUMP...

BUMP...

He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes in, slams and locks the door behind him.

However, the casket crashes through his door, with the lid of the casket clapping

clappity-BUMP...

clappity-BUMP...

clappity-BUMP...

on his heels, the terrified man runs.

Rushing upstairs to the bathroom, the man locks himself in. His heart is pounding; his head is reeling; his breath is coming in sobbing gasps.

With a loud CRASH the casket breaks down the door.

Bumping and clapping toward him.

The man screams and reaches for something, anything,
but all he can find is a bottle of cough syrup!

Desperate, he throws the cough syrup at the casket...

and,

(hopefully you're ready for this!!!)

The coffin stops

greg63 · 10-19-2006, 12:52 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by kcchiefsguru

A man was walking home alone late one foggy night,
...

Chief Henry · 10-19-2006, 04:33 AM

I love this thread....

greg63 · 10-19-2006, 07:17 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Chief Henry

I love this thread....

...Me too!

Frankie · 11-03-2006, 05:26 PM

The train was quite crowded, so the U. S. Marine walked the entire length looking for a seat, but the only seat left was taken by a well-dressed middle-aged French woman's poodle.

The war-weary Marine asked, "Ma'am, may I have that seat?"
The French woman just sniffed and said to no one in particular, "Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat."
The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat left was under that dog. "Please, ma'am. May I sit down? I'm very tired."
She snorted, "Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!"
This time the Marine didn't say a word, he just picked up the little dog, tossed it out the train window, and sat down.
The woman shrieked, "Someone must defend my honour! Put this American in his place!"
An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up, "Sir, you Americans often seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You hold the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road.
And now, sir,... you've thrown the wrong bitch out the window."

**Bwana** · 11-03-2006, 05:32 PM

AMontana cowboy was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud towards him.

The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?"

The cowboy looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, Why not?"

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to anot her NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.

The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany.

Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored.

He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response.
Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the cowboy and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."

"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says the cowboy.

He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.

Then the cowboy says to the young man,? "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"

The young man thinks about it for a second and then says,? "Okay, why not?"

You're a Congressman for the U.S. Government", says the cowboy.

"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"

"No guessing required." answered the cowboy. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You tried to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about cows...this is a herd of sheep.

Now give me back my dog.

Frankie · 11-03-2006, 05:36 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Bwana

This is the funniest Bwana has been on this bb.

BucEyedPea · 11-03-2006, 05:37 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Bwana

BucEyedPea · 11-03-2006, 05:38 PM

Damn Bwana you edited!

**Bwana** · 11-03-2006, 05:40 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by BucEyedPea

Damn Bwana you edited!

*Snicker* Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeees I did.

09-25-2005, 09:00 AM
Frankie Banned Join Date: Jul 2001 Casino cash: $10004900	Clean jokes can be funny too! Or at least good for a chuckle. Here's something completely different (for this BB). This thread is dedicated to ONLY CLEAN JOKES. Please post any clean joke that you find funny or at least amusing. We will not call you "dorks." Not in this thread. Let's see what you've got,... and share them. Don't worry about repeat jokes. Nobody has time to check all posts. Last edited by Frankie; 07-10-2011 at 05:17 PM..
Posts: 26,959

10-17-2006, 06:14 AM	#272
Easy 6 pie is never free Join Date: Sep 2006 Location: the drivers seat Casino cash: $3707775	LOL.....theres some gooduns here. Some of the funniest stuff ever is clean, a favorite example i always use is the celebrity roasts. Now i always get chuckles from the new ones but they cant hold a candle to the old Dean Martin roasts for old fashioned, clean (comparatively) giggles. They just had so much class back then and could make you laugh just as hard without all the vulgarity and mean spirited stuff. Clean funny is a lost art......sign o' the times.
Posts: 91,724

10-17-2006, 05:55 PM	#275
Fairplay A certain set of skills Join Date: Dec 2003 Location: texas Casino cash: $10026683 VARSITY	Three guys go to heaven. God asks the first guy how many times he's cheated on his wife. The first guy replies that he's only cheated on his wife five times. God says "not bad, you get to drive a yugo." So the guy got in his new car and drove off. The second guy was asked the same question, and replied that he only cheated on his wife once. God replied: "Good, you'll get to drive this luxury sedan." The third guy was asked the same question and replied: "I've never cheated on my wife at all. For my entire life, I have been faithful to only one woman." God replied: "Great, you have lived a pure life. You get to drive this Jaguar. A while later, the three guys met up and noticed the guy in the Jaguar was bawling like a baby. The first guy replied "hey, why are you crying? You're driving around in a Jaguar after all." The guy in the Jaguar responded: "I just saw my wife... and she was riding a skateboard."
Posts: 25,265

10-19-2006, 12:45 AM	#276
007 Shaken. Not stirred. Join Date: Sep 2002 Location: London Casino cash: $14060126 VARSITY	A man was walking home alone late one foggy night, when behind him he hears: ! BUMP... BUMP... BUMP... Walking faster, he looks back and through the fog h e makes out the image of an upright casket banging its way down the middle of the street toward him. BUMP... BUMP... BUMP... Terrified, the man begins to run toward his home, the casket bouncing quickly behind him FASTER... FASTER... BUMP... BUMP... BUMP... He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes in, slams and locks the door behind him. However, the casket crashes through his door, with the lid of the casket clapping clappity-BUMP... clappity-BUMP... clappity-BUMP... on his heels, the terrified man runs. Rushing upstairs to the bathroom, the man locks himself in. His heart is pounding; his head is reeling; his breath is coming in sobbing gasps. With a loud CRASH the casket breaks down the door. Bumping and clapping toward him. The man screams and reaches for something, anything, but all he can find is a bottle of cough syrup! Desperate, he throws the cough syrup at the casket... and, (hopefully you're ready for this!!!) The coffin stops __________________ My dear girl, there are some things that just aren’t done. Such as, drinking Dom Perignon ’53 above the temperature of 38 degrees Fahrenheit. That’s just as bad as listening to the Beatles without earmuffs.
Posts: 65,554

10-19-2006, 04:33 AM	#278
Chief Henry MVP Join Date: Aug 2000 Location: IOWA Casino cash: $10005088	I love this thread.... __________________ Patrick Mahomes...The only QB to ever play in the NFL with at least 5,000 passing yards in a single season and 5,000 passing yards in a single college season.
Posts: 8,361

11-03-2006, 05:26 PM	#280
Frankie Banned Join Date: Jul 2001 Casino cash: $10004900	The train was quite crowded, so the U. S. Marine walked the entire length looking for a seat, but the only seat left was taken by a well-dressed middle-aged French woman's poodle. The war-weary Marine asked, "Ma'am, may I have that seat?" The French woman just sniffed and said to no one in particular, "Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat." The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat left was under that dog. "Please, ma'am. May I sit down? I'm very tired." She snorted, "Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!" This time the Marine didn't say a word, he just picked up the little dog, tossed it out the train window, and sat down. The woman shrieked, "Someone must defend my honour! Put this American in his place!" An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up, "Sir, you Americans often seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You hold the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir,... you've thrown the wrong bitch out the window."
Posts: 26,959

11-03-2006, 05:32 PM	#281
Bwana It's Five O'Clock Somewhere Join Date: Aug 2000 Location: Billings, Montana Casino cash: $2139523647	AMontana cowboy was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud towards him. The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?" The cowboy looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, Why not?" The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to anot her NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo. The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany. Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response. Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the cowboy and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves." "That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says the cowboy. He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car. Then the cowboy says to the young man,? "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?" The young man thinks about it for a second and then says,? "Okay, why not?" You're a Congressman for the U.S. Government", says the cowboy. "Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?" "No guessing required." answered the cowboy. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You tried to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about cows...this is a herd of sheep. Now give me back my dog. __________________ Adventure is dangerous....but monotony can kill you.
Posts: 69,744

11-03-2006, 05:38 PM	#284
BucEyedPea Gimme My Berries Back! Join Date: Apr 2006 Location: None of your business Casino cash: $3449963	Damn Bwana you edited!
Posts: 161,831