Clean jokes can be funny too!

[Frankie]

Or at least good for a chuckle. Here's something completely different (for this BB). This thread is dedicated to ONLY CLEAN JOKES. Please post any clean joke that you find funny or at least amusing. We will not call you "dorks." Not in this thread. Let's see what you've got,... and share them.

Don't worry about repeat jokes. Nobody has time to check all posts.

[memyselfI]

Originally Posted by Frankie

Helen, the church gossip and self-appointed supervisor of the church's morals, kept sticking her nose into other people's business.

Several members were unappreciative of her activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence.

She made a mistake, however, when she accused Fred, a new member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his pickup truck parked in front of the town's only bar one afternoon.

She commented to Fred and others that everyone seeing it there would know for certain that he was an alcoholic. Fred, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just walked away. He said nothing.

Later that evening, George, quietly parked his pickup in front of Helen's house...............

AND he left it there all night.

Helen and George...

Those names have a history here.

[Frankie]

Originally Posted by memyselfI

Helen and George...

Those names have a history here.

They do, don't they. BTW, "George" not being one of my favorite names these days, I changed it to Fred in that joke. Didn't catch that last one in time. Kinda ruined a joke that wasn't all that hillarious to begin with.

[greg63]

Originally Posted by Frankie

They do, don't they. BTW, "George" not being one of my favorite names these days, I changed it to Fred in that joke. Didn't catch that last one in time. Kinda ruined a joke that wasn't all that hillarious to begin with.

Ok, now I get it.

[sedated]

The bartender calls last call, and the man that's been at the bar all night goes to stand up from his bar stool. He falls down.

He crawls out the door and to his car but still cannot stand up.

He only lives a few blocks away, so he decides to crawl home. When he gets to his front door he still cannot stand up.

He crawls inside and to his bed. He cannot stand to get in his bed so he crawls in there as well.

The next morning, his wife wakes him up and says, "you were drinking at the bar last night, weren't you?"

"Yes, but how did you know?" he replies.

"Because you left your wheelchair there again."

[Frankie]

(This one for the planeteers of female persuation)


Dear Lord, I pray for:

Wisdom, To understand a man

Love, To forgive him and

Patience, For his moods

Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength

I'll just beat him to death.

[Frankie]

Originally Posted by sedated

The bartender calls last call, and the man that's been at the bar all night goes to stand up from his bar stool. He falls down.

He crawls out the door and to his car but still cannot stand up.

He only lives a few blocks away, so he decides to crawl home. When he gets to his front door he still cannot stand up.

He crawls inside and to his bed. He cannot stand to get in his bed so he crawls in there as well.

The next morning, his wife wakes him up and says, "you were drinking at the bar last night, weren't you?"

"Yes, but how did you know?" he replies.

"Because you left your wheelchair there again."

Good one.

[ChiefFripp]

A cowboy, walking along a California beach was deep in prayer. Suddenly the sky clouded above his head and in a booming voice the Lord said, "Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish."
The man said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over anytime I want."

The Lord said, "Your request is very materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of an underaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that would honor and glorify me."

The man thought about it for a while and finally said, "Lord, I wish that I could understand my wife! I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says 'nothing's wrong', and how I can make a woman
truly happy."

The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"

[Frankie]

A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't even figure out how to get started."

Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"

"According to the picture on the box," answers the blonde, "it's a rooster."

Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table. He looks at the pieces, then looks at the box. He turns to her and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster. He takes her hand and says, "Secondly, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then....." he says with a deep sigh........................"we'll put all these Corn Flakes back in the box."

[Frankie]

A lady approaches her priest and tells him "Father, I have a problem. I have two female talking parrots, but they only know how to say one thing."

"What do they say?" the priest inquired.

"They only know how to say, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Want to have some fun?'"

"That's terrible!" the priest exclaimed, "but I have a solution to your problem. Bring your two female parrots over to my house and I will put them with my two male talking parrots whom I taught to pray and read the bible. My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase and your female parrots will learn the joys of praise and worship."

"Thank you!" the woman responded.

The next day the woman brings her female parrots to the priest's house. His two male parrots are holding the rosary beads and praying in their cage. The lady puts her two female parrots in with the male parrots and the female parrots say "Hi we're prostitutes, want to have some fun?"

One male parrot looks over at the other male parrot and exclaims, "Put the beads away, brother. Our prayers have been answered!"

[greg63]

Originally Posted by Frankie

A lady approaches her priest and tells him "Father, I have a problem. I have two female talking parrots, but they only know how to say one thing."

"What do they say?" the priest inquired.

"They only know how to say, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Want to have some fun?'"

"That's terrible!" the priest exclaimed, "but I have a solution to your problem. Bring your two female parrots over to my house and I will put them with my two male talking parrots whom I taught to pray and read the bible. My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase and your female parrots will learn the joys of praise and worship."

"Thank you!" the woman responded.

The next day the woman brings her female parrots to the priest's house. His two male parrots are holding the rosary beads and praying in their cage. The lady puts her two female parrots in with the male parrots and the female parrots say "Hi we're prostitutes, want to have some fun?"

One male parrot looks over at the other male parrot and exclaims, "Put the beads away, brother. Our prayers have been answered!"

That's just too funny!

[Mike in SW-MO]

Three hunters are lost in the forest.

One turns to the others and says "The international sign of distress is three shots fired into the air."

So they take turns firing three shots into the air every hour watching and listening anxiously for signs of rescue.

After a couple of days, the third hunters begins to get worried and says to the first hunter, "I hope somebody finds us soon, we're just about out of arrows."

[Frankie]

The silver haired lady confronted her doctor with a complaint of pains all over her body.

"Be more precise," he said. "So I can help you, try pointing to some of the places that hurt.

The silver-haired doll put her finger on her arm and said, "Ouch!" then her finger to her hip and said, "Ouch!" and then to her rib cage and said, "Ouch!" again.

The doctor stopped her and asked, "Were you a blonde before your hair grayed"?

"Why yes!" she said excitedly, "But how did you know?"

The Doc answered, "Your finger's broken."

[Bob Dole]

A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected:

A half-gallon of 2% milk,
A half carton of eggs,
A quart of orange juice,
A small head of romaine lettuce,
A 2 lb. can of coffee,
And a 1 lb. package of bacon.

As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of
the cashier.

While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated, "You must be single."

The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single. She
looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status.

Curiosity getting the better of her, she said "Well, you know what, you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?"

The drunk replied, "'Cause you're ugly."

[greg63]

Originally Posted by Bob Dole g

A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected:

A half-gallon of 2% milk,
A half carton of eggs,
A quart of orange juice,
A small head of romaine lettuce,
A 2 lb. can of coffee,
And a 1 lb. package of bacon.

As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of
the cashier.

While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated, "You must be single."

The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single. She
looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status.

Curiosity getting the better of her, she said "Well, you know what, you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?"

The drunk replied, "'Cause you're ugly."

Hilarious!!

[Ultra Peanut]

It has been speculated that these stations operate as a simple and foolproof method for government agencies to communicate with spies "in the field". According to this theory, the messages are encrypted with a one-time pad, to avoid any risk of decryption by the enemy. As evidence, numbers stations have changed details of their broadcasts or produced "special", non-scheduled broadcasts in response to extraordinary political events, such as the Russian constitutional crisis of 1993. Others speculate that some of these stations may be related to illegal drug smuggling operations. Although no broadcaster or government will acknowledge or give a reason for their existence, a 1998 article in The Daily Telegraph quoted a spokesperson for the Department of Trade and Industry (the government agency that regulates radio broadcasting in the United Kingdom) as saying, "These [numbers stations] are what you suppose they are. People shouldn't be mystified by them. They are not for, shall we say, public consumption."

Numbers stations are often given nicknames by enthusiasts. These nicknames often reflect some distinctive element of the station. For example, "Lincolnshire Poacher", one of the best known numbers stations, supposed by many to be run by MI6, plays the first two bars of the folk song of that name before each string of numbers. "Magnetic Fields" plays music from French electronic musician Jean Michel Jarre before and after each set of numbers. The "Atención" station begins its transmission with the Spanish phrase "¡Atención! ¡Atención!"

Errors at the transmission site, radio direction-finding, and a knowledge of shortwave radio propagation have also provided clues to number station locations. For example, the "Atención" station is presumed to be from Cuba, as a supposed error allowed Radio Habana Cuba to be carried on the frequency.

On some stations, tones can be heard in the background. It has been suggested that in such cases the voice may be an aid to tuning to the correct frequency, with the coded message being sent by modulating the tones, perhaps using a technology such as burst transmission.