Food and Drink The Great American Menu: Foods Of The States, Ranked And Mapped - Page 8

listopencil · 10-18-2013, 05:52 PM

What are the United States' best regional foodstuffs? Its worst? These are the questions that bedevil the mind of man—but no longer! For here, we have ranked them. Rigorously scientific (not), ardently researched (nope), and scrupulously fair (not even a little bit): this is the Great American Menu!
Each state (plus the District of Columbia) gets one, and only one, signature foodstuff. And we selected actual food preparations; no state gets credit merely for being the geographic location where a certain edible flora or fauna happens to grow or swim or graze. But enough of that bullshit. On to the rankings! (For a full-size version of Jim Cooke's map, click here.)

The Greats

1. Chicago-style deep-dish pizza (Illinois)

Man is mortal. He frolics upon the grass of life for but a short season, and then is snatched back to the inanimate dirt of his origin. The Chicago-style deep-dish pizza, America's greatest regional foodstuff—all those toppings, good God so much cheese and meat, I can hear my heartbeat, this can't be right, it sounds like a goddamn chainsaw, can that be right?—will greatly hasten that day's arrival, but it will also fill at least a little part of at least one of those days with a transcendent, mind-boggling, outrageously indulgent sensory experience. This is the best thing any food can do, and certainly far beyond the capabilities of [stares daggers at New York] a sheet of soggy cardboard with a flap of waxy melted cheese stretched across it.

2. Shrimp and grits (South Carolina)

Shrimp. Grits. Tasty, satisfying, authentically South Carolinian. Perfect.

3. Mission-style burrito (California)

The Mission-style burrito is especially great because, nowadays, you don't have to go all the way to California to get a good one. In fact, you can even leave California at 125 miles per hour, screaming and crying because your organ systems are rightly rejecting the state of California like a grafted-on walrus tail because California is awful, and still get a tasty Mission-style burrito pretty much wherever you end up! This is because a Mission-style burrito is just a really fuggin' large burrito with extra rice and (figurative) shit in it. Mmmmmmmm.

4. Crab cake (Maryland)

As we've established (here, here, and here), blue crab—particularly the Chesapeake blue crab—is the best of all ingestibles. However, the Maryland crab cake ranks fourth on this list, simply because so many of the various foodstuffs calling themselves crab cakes are really just mildly crab-flavored bread wads for ninnies, which are nonetheless priced as though they contain some quantity of actual by-God crabmeat measurable in units larger than the zeptogram. This means that the best way to obtain a genuine crabcake, rather than an OldBayseasoningandcrushedcrackerscake, is to make one at home—and, so long as you can find yourself a tub of crabmeat to work with, you don't have to be anywhere near Maryland to do that. (That's a good thing. Maryland drivers. Holy shit.)

5. Peach pie/cobbler (Georgia)

Peaches are good. Pie crust and/or biscuit dough are/is good. Good on ya, Georgia.

6. Gumbo (Louisiana)

Yeah, yeah, Louisiana also has the po' boy and the beignet, but really, those are New Orleans foods, and New Orleans already thinks more than highly enough of itself. Besides, neither of those is as tasty as Creole gumbo, which, factually, is the sole credible argument for not sinking that state into the Gulf of Mexico.

7. Key lime pie (Florida)

1
But what about the Cuban sandwich?!?!?!?! First of all, there's some controversy about the Cuban sandwich's origins: Either it is from Cuba, in which case it is Cuba's sandwich and not Florida's, or it is from Tampa, in which case it is not a Cuban sandwich and has a dumb name, in which case it sucks because things from Tampa suck because Tampa sucks. In any case it is not as definitively Floridian as Key lime pie, which originated in Florida and is made with ingredients—Key limes—that are native to Florida and nowhere else. (It also doesn't taste as good as Key lime pie. So there.) Anyway Key lime pie is very good and I don't know how we wound up talking about the Cuban sandwich this whole time so let's just move on.

8. Fried green tomatoes (Alabama)

... at the Whistle Stop Cafe, yawl! There is nothing to say about fried green tomatoes. They taste very good and you should eat some.

vailpass · 10-19-2013, 04:14 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by listopencil

Looks like it is pretty much shish kebab with just the meat, served on toothpicks, traditionally using lamb, but other red meats are often (if not typically) substituted in the modern dish.

I would the whole thing...

Fish · 10-19-2013, 04:16 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Bugeater

It's been covered in this thread.

Then it's fail for the wrong name. Not to mention the fact that Shepard's Pie hasn't been any kind of staple food anywhere in Kansas that I've ever known.

**Bugeater** · 10-19-2013, 04:20 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Fish

Then it's fail for the wrong name. Not to mention the fact that Shepard's Pie hasn't been any kind of staple food anywhere in Kansas that I've ever known.

Yeah I don't know where the author got that from, although I have heard it referred to as Hamburger Pie before.

Raiderhater · 10-19-2013, 04:21 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Cannibal

You're right, whether KS or MO, BBQ is the order of the day.

Or at least a ****ing steak. Beef casserole? Has this guy even been to all fifty states? I mean saying that MO BBQ is the same as Memphis BBQ tells me this guy just did a (poor) Google search for most of this.

listopencil · 10-19-2013, 04:23 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Pestilence

And in 13 years I've never seen or heard about it. My Mom's side of the family are all from there and still live there....and I've never heard them talk about it.

Sofa King would be a good one to ask....he's from there.

I've never heard of it myself. I have lived in VA, TX, CO and CA.

**Bwana** · 10-19-2013, 05:47 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by lewdog

Yup, Testicles.

That does seem about right.

BlackHelicopters · 10-19-2013, 05:54 PM

Ribs. Nice.

ClevelandBronco · 10-19-2013, 07:44 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by listopencil

Being Hit By A Car

51. Being hit by a car

Ohio

52. Cincinnati chili (Ohio)

For the mercifully unacquainted, "Cincinnati chili," the worst regional foodstuff in America or anywhere else, is a horrifying diarrhea sludge (most commonly encountered in the guise of the "Skyline" brand) that Ohioans slop across plain spaghetti noodles and hot dogs as a way to make the rest of us feel grateful that our own shit-eating is (mostly) figurative. The only thing "chili" about it is the shiver that goes down your spine when you watch Ohio sports fans shoveling it into their maws on television and are forced to reckon with the cold reality that, for as desperately as you might cling to faltering notions of community and universality, ultimately your fellow human beings are as foreign and unknowable to you as the surface of Pluto, and you are alone and always have been and will die alone, a world unto yourself unmarked and unmapped and totally, hopelessly isolated.
But wait! This abominable garbage-gravy isn't just sensorily and spiritually disgusting—it's culturally grotesque, too! What began as an ethnic curio born of immigrant make-do—a Greek-owned chili parlor that took its "Skyline" name from its view of the city of Cincinnati—is now a hulking private-equity-owned corporate monolith that gins up interest in its unmistakably abhorrent product by engineering phony groups of "chili fanatics" to camp out in advance of the opening of new chains, in locations whose residents would otherwise see this shit-broth for what it is and take up torches and truncheons to drive it back into the wilderness.
Whatever virtue this bad-tasting Z-grade atrocity once contained derived from its exemplification of a set of certain cherished American fables—immigrant ingenuity, the cultural melting pot, old things combining into new things—and has now been totally swamped and consumed by different and infinitely uglier American realities: the commodification of culture; the transmutation of authentic artifacts of human life into hollow corporate brand divisions; the willingness of Americans to slop any horrible goddamn thing into their ****ing mouths if it claims to contain some byproduct of a cow and comes buried beneath a pyramid of shredded, waxy, safety-cone-orange "cheese."
Cincinnati chili is the worst, saddest, most depressing goddamn thing in the world. If it came out of the end of your digestive system, you would turn the color of chalk and call an ambulance, but at least it'd make some sense. The people of Ohio see nothing wrong with inserting it into their mouths, which perhaps tells you everything you need to know about the Buckeye State. Don't eat it. Don't let your loved ones eat it. Turn away from the darkness, and toward the deep-dish pizza.

Got that right. That shit is inedible.

whoman69 · 10-19-2013, 09:40 PM

Best they could find for Iowa was a corndog? Did Michelle Bachmann write this article? The fried food craze only started the last few years. I think even those who started it know its stupid. They obviously never have been to Amana.

vailpass · 10-19-2013, 09:44 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by whoman69

Best they could find for Iowa was a corndog? Did Michelle Bachmann write this article? The fried food craze only started the last few years. I think even those who started it know its stupid. They obviously never have been to Amana.

The Amanas rock. I also could see pork tenderloin sandwich up there...

Just Passin' By · 10-19-2013, 11:09 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Fish

Then it's fail for the wrong name. Not to mention the fact that Shepard's Pie hasn't been any kind of staple food anywhere in Kansas that I've ever known.

Also, and admittedly being picky, what a lot of people in the U.S. call shepherd's pie is actually cowherd's pie, since it's made with beef. True shepherd's pie is made with lamb.

Fish · 10-19-2013, 11:16 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Just Passin' By

Also, and admittedly being picky, what a lot of people in the U.S. call shepherd's pie is actually cowherd's pie, since it's made with beef. True shepherd's pie is made with lamb.

Burn this bitch down.

Psyko Tek · 10-20-2013, 12:46 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by SPchief

I don't think he is. If he was he surely would have mentioned the cabbage. Mmmm Runzas

gawd damn it now I have to call mom and get her recipe, and fail at making them right
again

chiefzilla1501 · 10-20-2013, 01:04 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ClevelandBronco

Got that right. That shit is inedible.

You'd be amazed at how good Skyline chili is on a hot dog coney after a few (preferably many) beers.

In58men · 10-20-2013, 01:05 AM

Cali should be known for their wine.

10-18-2013, 05:52 PM
listopencil Immanentize The Eschaton Join Date: Oct 2002 Location: In Partibus Infidelium Casino cash: $2245880	The Great American Menu: Foods Of The States, Ranked And Mapped What are the United States' best regional foodstuffs? Its worst? These are the questions that bedevil the mind of man—but no longer! For here, we have ranked them. Rigorously scientific (not), ardently researched (nope), and scrupulously fair (not even a little bit): this is the Great American Menu! Each state (plus the District of Columbia) gets one, and only one, signature foodstuff. And we selected actual food preparations; no state gets credit merely for being the geographic location where a certain edible flora or fauna happens to grow or swim or graze. But enough of that bullshit. On to the rankings! (For a full-size version of Jim Cooke's map, click here.) The Greats 1. Chicago-style deep-dish pizza (Illinois) Man is mortal. He frolics upon the grass of life for but a short season, and then is snatched back to the inanimate dirt of his origin. The Chicago-style deep-dish pizza, America's greatest regional foodstuff—all those toppings, good God so much cheese and meat, I can hear my heartbeat, this can't be right, it sounds like a goddamn chainsaw, can that be right?—will greatly hasten that day's arrival, but it will also fill at least a little part of at least one of those days with a transcendent, mind-boggling, outrageously indulgent sensory experience. This is the best thing any food can do, and certainly far beyond the capabilities of [stares daggers at New York] a sheet of soggy cardboard with a flap of waxy melted cheese stretched across it. 2. Shrimp and grits (South Carolina) Shrimp. Grits. Tasty, satisfying, authentically South Carolinian. Perfect. 3. Mission-style burrito (California) The Mission-style burrito is especially great because, nowadays, you don't have to go all the way to California to get a good one. In fact, you can even leave California at 125 miles per hour, screaming and crying because your organ systems are rightly rejecting the state of California like a grafted-on walrus tail because California is awful, and still get a tasty Mission-style burrito pretty much wherever you end up! This is because a Mission-style burrito is just a really fuggin' large burrito with extra rice and (figurative) shit in it. Mmmmmmmm. 4. Crab cake (Maryland) As we've established (here, here, and here), blue crab—particularly the Chesapeake blue crab—is the best of all ingestibles. However, the Maryland crab cake ranks fourth on this list, simply because so many of the various foodstuffs calling themselves crab cakes are really just mildly crab-flavored bread wads for ninnies, which are nonetheless priced as though they contain some quantity of actual by-God crabmeat measurable in units larger than the zeptogram. This means that the best way to obtain a genuine crabcake, rather than an OldBayseasoningandcrushedcrackerscake, is to make one at home—and, so long as you can find yourself a tub of crabmeat to work with, you don't have to be anywhere near Maryland to do that. (That's a good thing. Maryland drivers. Holy shit.) Related How To Cook Lobster Tails: A Guide For People Who Don't Have Butlers To Do All The Work Somewhere along the way, lobster became the symbol of gustatory luxury. You picture your stereotypical Person Of Means sitting down to a feast—me, I… Read… How To Make Crab Cakes That Actually Taste Like Crab The first step is preheating your oven. Yes, that's right: not your deep-fryer, not your skillet, but your oven. Because you are going to bake … Read… 5. Peach pie/cobbler (Georgia) Peaches are good. Pie crust and/or biscuit dough are/is good. Good on ya, Georgia. 6. Gumbo (Louisiana) Yeah, yeah, Louisiana also has the po' boy and the beignet, but really, those are New Orleans foods, and New Orleans already thinks more than highly enough of itself. Besides, neither of those is as tasty as Creole gumbo, which, factually, is the sole credible argument for not sinking that state into the Gulf of Mexico. 7. Key lime pie (Florida) 1 But what about the Cuban sandwich?!?!?!?! First of all, there's some controversy about the Cuban sandwich's origins: Either it is from Cuba, in which case it is Cuba's sandwich and not Florida's, or it is from Tampa, in which case it is not a Cuban sandwich and has a dumb name, in which case it sucks because things from Tampa suck because Tampa sucks. In any case it is not as definitively Floridian as Key lime pie, which originated in Florida and is made with ingredients—Key limes—that are native to Florida and nowhere else. (It also doesn't taste as good as Key lime pie. So there.) Anyway Key lime pie is very good and I don't know how we wound up talking about the Cuban sandwich this whole time so let's just move on. 8. Fried green tomatoes (Alabama) ... at the Whistle Stop Cafe, yawl! There is nothing to say about fried green tomatoes. They taste very good and you should eat some.
Posts: 55,927

10-19-2013, 05:54 PM	#112
BlackHelicopters Spiraling down the Drain Join Date: Oct 2012 Location: Dante's Ninth Circle Casino cash: $2730588	Ribs. Nice. __________________ "We're both part of the same hypocrisy, Senator, but never think it applies to my family." "Fredo. You are my brother, and I love you. But never take sides against the Family again. Ever." 2019 Adopt a Chief - Travis Kelce #87
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10-20-2013, 01:05 AM	#120
In58men Baba Ganoush Join Date: Jan 2012 Casino cash: $2308026	Cali should be known for their wine.
Posts: 29,185