Funny Stuff Clean jokes can be funny too! - Page 18

Frankie · 05:17 PM

Or at least good for a chuckle. Here's something completely different (for this BB). This thread is dedicated to ONLY CLEAN JOKES. Please post any clean joke that you find funny or at least amusing. We will not call you "dorks." Not in this thread. Let's see what you've got,... and share them.

Don't worry about repeat jokes. Nobody has time to check all posts.

kc hopeful · 03-31-2006, 07:29 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by DMAC

Good joke until the moral part.

Dang, I meant to leave that out.

Frankie · 04-22-2006, 02:03 PM

A Bronco fan was taken to the ER with severe 3rd degree burns on both sides of the face. While being treated he was asked how this happened.

"Well," He said painfully, "I was alone at home and was ironning. The phone rang and I got confused. I picked up the hot iron instead of the phone and burned the side of my face with it."

"That explains one side of your face." Said the doctor, "But you have burns on both sides!"

"Are you kidding?" Protested the patient, "I had to call 9-1-1 myself!"

**Skip Towne** · 04-22-2006, 02:18 PM

Two young boys walked into a pharmacy and picked up a box of Tampax. They took it to the counter and the clerk asked if they knew how those are used. The older boy said not exactly but that they were for his little brother. We saw on TV where if he used those he could swim and ride a bike and he can't do either right now.

Frankie · 04-22-2006, 02:24 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Skip Towne

Two young boys walked into a pharmacy and picked up a box of Tampax. They took it to the counter and the clerk asked if they knew how those are used. The older boy said not exactly but that they were for his little brother. We saw on TV where if he used those he could swim and ride a bike and he can't do either right now.

**Skip Towne** · 04-22-2006, 02:34 PM

Little Johnny was staying with his grandmother and he comes in the house with a question for her. Grandma, he said, what is it called when two people sleep in the same room and one is on top of the other. Flustered, she decided to tell the truth. It's called sexual intercourse she told him. He said OK and went on back outside to play. 20 minutes later he comes busting back i the dor and says, Grandma, you were wrong, it's called bunk beds and Jimmy's mother wants to talk to you.

C-Mac · 05-15-2006, 11:04 AM

JimBob was stopped by a game warden in Texas recently with two ice chests of fish. He was leaving a cove well known for its fishing.
The game warden asked JimBob, "Do you have a license to catch those fish?"

"No sir, I ain't got none of them fishing licenses but you gotta understand these here are my pet fish."

"Pet fish?" said the game warden.

"Yip. Every night I take these here fish down to the lake and let them swim 'round for a while, then I whistle and they jump right back into this here ice chest and I take them home."

"That's a bunch of hooey! Fish can't do that!" said
the warden.

The redneck looked at the game warden for a moment
and then said, "It's the truth Mr. Warden, I'll show you. It really works."

"Okay," said the game warden, " I've GOT to see this!"

JimBob poured the fish into the lake and stood and waited.
After several minutes, the game warden turned to him and said, "Well?"

"Well, what?" said the JimBob.

The warden said, "When are you going to call them back?"

JimBob said, "Call who back?"

"The FISH!" replied the warden.

"........what fish?" asked JimBob.

greg63 · 05-15-2006, 12:11 PM

A blond had been fishing on the shore of a lake without any success at all; when suddenly she noticed that on the opposite side of the lake another blond fishing who was reeling in one fish after the other. So the first blond yells over to the second: "How do I get over to the other side of the lake?" The second yells back in response: "Silly, you're on the other side!".

Side note: We were coming home from eating breakfast at a local diner, and I had been nursing a to-go cup of orange juice while driving to my parent’s house for a visit. My dad being in the car next to myself told this joke, and I was careful to time my sips so as not to have a gulp full of juice in my mouth when he reached the punch line. My dad told the joke, we all got a good laugh and I took another drink; when suddenly my youngest who was about eleven at the time says: "Thank you!" in the vein of the "first blond" in the joke. Needless to say I shot juice through my nose and had the entire front dash and windshield to clean off when I got to my parents house.

Frankie · 06-05-2006, 07:35 PM

The avid golfer said to the dentist, "Doctor, I'm in one hell of a big hurry! I have two buddies sitting out in my car waiting for us to go play golf. So forget about the anesthetic and just pull the tooth and be done with it -- I don't have time to wait for the anesthetic to work!"

The dentist thought to himself,* "My goodness--this sure is a very brave man, asking me to pull his tooth without using anything to kill the pain."

So the dentist asked him, "Which tooth is it, sir?"

The man turned to his wife and said, "Open your mouth, Honey, and show the doctor which tooth hurts..."

greg63 · 06-26-2006, 01:29 PM

An old man and his wife were sitting in church one Sunday morning when all the sudden the wife leans over and whispers into her husband’s ear: "I just had a silent fart; what do you think I should do?" Her husband retorted: "First of all I think you should replace the battery in your hearing aid."

kc hopeful · 07-03-2006, 10:07 AM

One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the road eating grass. Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate. He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?"
"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied.
"We have to eat grass."
"Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you,"
the lawyer said. "But sir, I have a wife and two children with me.
They are over there, under that tree."
"Bring them along" the lawyer replied. Turning to the other poor man he stated,
"You come with us also, and bring your family, too."
They all entered the car, which was no easy task,
even for a car as large as the limousine.
Once underway, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said,
"Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."
The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it. You'll really love my place.
The grass is almost a foot high."

**Gonzo** · 07-03-2006, 10:19 AM

A man and his wife were lying in bed one night when the man let out a huge fart. He yells, "Touchdown, six points!" His wife looks at him and says, "What are you doing?" He replied, "Playing fart football." So she giggles and squeezes one out. She then yells, "All tied up!" Not to be outdone, the man lets out a small squeeker and says, "Field goal! I'm up by three!" The wife looks at him and forces a huge one out, "Touchdown and a two-point conversion! I'm winning!" Well now the man is agitated and pushes with all his might. Well he pushed a little too hard and crapped the bed. His wife asks, "What was that?" The husband replies, "Halftime, switch sides!"

Amnorix · 07-03-2006, 12:43 PM

My favorite lawyer joke:

Q: What do you call a parachuting lawyer?

A: Skeet.

SCTrojan · 07-03-2006, 03:01 PM

Little Johnny's teacher was undecided as to whether to pass him to the next grade, so she asked the principal for his advice.

The principal recmmended that she give Little Johnny a test while he listened on the intercom. They could then discuss whether it would be appropriate to pass him based on his test results.

The teacher brought Little Johnny in and told him she would give him a test to determine whether he would pass to the next grade.

First question: "Little Johnny, what do dogs do in the back yard that you wouldn't want to step in?"

Little Johnny thought about it for a second and replied, "Dig holes."

The teacher said, "Very good, Little Johnny. Second question: what do cows have four of that women only have two of?"

Little Johnny thought about it for a second and replied: "Legs."

The teacher said, "Very good, Little Johnny. Last question: what do men have in their pants that women don't have in theirs?"

Little Johnny thought about if for a second and replied: "Pockets"

The teacher said, "Very good, Little Johnny. You may go outside."

She then looked up at the intercom and asked, "What do you think, Principal?"

The principal replied: "Oh just go ahead and pass him. I missed all three of those questions."

**007** · 10-17-2006, 02:26 AM

Ed was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really
ticked off. She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the
driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE"!

The next morning, Ed got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up,
she looked out the window and sure enough there was a small box gift-wrapped
in the middle of the driveway.

Confused, the wife put on her robe, ran out to the driveway and brought the
box back in the house. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Funeral services for Ed have been scheduled for Friday.

onescrewleftuntwisted · 10-17-2006, 03:26 AM

hilary clinton and her driver are traveling down an old road when they come around a sharp corner and hit and kill a cow right infront of an old farm house.

the driver says to hilary he had better go explain what happened to the farmer, so he walks up to the house

about an hour later the driver returns to the car, his clothes are torn, he has lipstick smeared allover his face, a bottle of fancy wine in one hand and an expencive cigar in his mouth

hillary says what happpened to you

he said im hillary clintons driver and i just killed the old cow and the rest happened so fast i couldnt stop it

09-25-2005, 09:00 AM
Frankie Banned Join Date: Jul 2001 Casino cash: $10004900	Clean jokes can be funny too! Or at least good for a chuckle. Here's something completely different (for this BB). This thread is dedicated to ONLY CLEAN JOKES. Please post any clean joke that you find funny or at least amusing. We will not call you "dorks." Not in this thread. Let's see what you've got,... and share them. Don't worry about repeat jokes. Nobody has time to check all posts. Last edited by Frankie; 07-10-2011 at 05:17 PM..
Posts: 26,959

04-22-2006, 02:03 PM	#257
Frankie Banned Join Date: Jul 2001 Casino cash: $10004900	A Bronco fan was taken to the ER with severe 3rd degree burns on both sides of the face. While being treated he was asked how this happened. "Well," He said painfully, "I was alone at home and was ironning. The phone rang and I got confused. I picked up the hot iron instead of the phone and burned the side of my face with it." "That explains one side of your face." Said the doctor, "But you have burns on both sides!" "Are you kidding?" Protested the patient, "I had to call 9-1-1 myself!" Last edited by Frankie; 04-22-2006 at 02:23 PM..
Posts: 26,959

04-22-2006, 02:18 PM	#258
Skip Towne Supporter Join Date: Apr 2001 Location: T-Town Casino cash: $10004900	Two young boys walked into a pharmacy and picked up a box of Tampax. They took it to the counter and the clerk asked if they knew how those are used. The older boy said not exactly but that they were for his little brother. We saw on TV where if he used those he could swim and ride a bike and he can't do either right now.
Posts: 69,689

04-22-2006, 02:34 PM	#260
Skip Towne Supporter Join Date: Apr 2001 Location: T-Town Casino cash: $10004900	Little Johnny was staying with his grandmother and he comes in the house with a question for her. Grandma, he said, what is it called when two people sleep in the same room and one is on top of the other. Flustered, she decided to tell the truth. It's called sexual intercourse she told him. He said OK and went on back outside to play. 20 minutes later he comes busting back i the dor and says, Grandma, you were wrong, it's called bunk beds and Jimmy's mother wants to talk to you.
Posts: 69,689

05-15-2006, 11:04 AM	#261
C-Mac Lurker Extraordinaire Join Date: Oct 2000 Location: Wally World Casino cash: $2263699	JimBob was stopped by a game warden in Texas recently with two ice chests of fish. He was leaving a cove well known for its fishing. The game warden asked JimBob, "Do you have a license to catch those fish?" "No sir, I ain't got none of them fishing licenses but you gotta understand these here are my pet fish." "Pet fish?" said the game warden. "Yip. Every night I take these here fish down to the lake and let them swim 'round for a while, then I whistle and they jump right back into this here ice chest and I take them home." "That's a bunch of hooey! Fish can't do that!" said the warden. The redneck looked at the game warden for a moment and then said, "It's the truth Mr. Warden, I'll show you. It really works." "Okay," said the game warden, " I've GOT to see this!" JimBob poured the fish into the lake and stood and waited. After several minutes, the game warden turned to him and said, "Well?" "Well, what?" said the JimBob. The warden said, "When are you going to call them back?" JimBob said, "Call who back?" "The FISH!" replied the warden. "........what fish?" asked JimBob.
Posts: 5,632

05-15-2006, 12:11 PM	#262
greg63 Homer go crazy!!! Join Date: Nov 2003 Location: SE Kansas Casino cash: $9274990	A blond had been fishing on the shore of a lake without any success at all; when suddenly she noticed that on the opposite side of the lake another blond fishing who was reeling in one fish after the other. So the first blond yells over to the second: "How do I get over to the other side of the lake?" The second yells back in response: "Silly, you're on the other side!". Side note: We were coming home from eating breakfast at a local diner, and I had been nursing a to-go cup of orange juice while driving to my parent’s house for a visit. My dad being in the car next to myself told this joke, and I was careful to time my sips so as not to have a gulp full of juice in my mouth when he reached the punch line. My dad told the joke, we all got a good laugh and I took another drink; when suddenly my youngest who was about eleven at the time says: "Thank you!" in the vein of the "first blond" in the joke. Needless to say I shot juice through my nose and had the entire front dash and windshield to clean off when I got to my parents house. __________________
Posts: 17,583

06-05-2006, 07:35 PM	#263
Frankie Banned Join Date: Jul 2001 Casino cash: $10004900	The avid golfer said to the dentist, "Doctor, I'm in one hell of a big hurry! I have two buddies sitting out in my car waiting for us to go play golf. So forget about the anesthetic and just pull the tooth and be done with it -- I don't have time to wait for the anesthetic to work!" The dentist thought to himself,* "My goodness--this sure is a very brave man, asking me to pull his tooth without using anything to kill the pain." So the dentist asked him, "Which tooth is it, sir?" The man turned to his wife and said, "Open your mouth, Honey, and show the doctor which tooth hurts..."
Posts: 26,959

06-26-2006, 01:29 PM	#264
greg63 Homer go crazy!!! Join Date: Nov 2003 Location: SE Kansas Casino cash: $9274990	An old man and his wife were sitting in church one Sunday morning when all the sudden the wife leans over and whispers into her husband’s ear: "I just had a silent fart; what do you think I should do?" Her husband retorted: "First of all I think you should replace the battery in your hearing aid." __________________
Posts: 17,583

07-03-2006, 10:07 AM	#265
kc hopeful Starter Join Date: Sep 2000 Location: The Texas Pothandle Casino cash: $10005020	One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the road eating grass. Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate. He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?" "We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We have to eat grass." "Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you," the lawyer said. "But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree." "Bring them along" the lawyer replied. Turning to the other poor man he stated, "You come with us also, and bring your family, too." They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine. Once underway, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you." The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it. You'll really love my place. The grass is almost a foot high."
Posts: 471

07-03-2006, 12:43 PM	#267
Amnorix In BB I trust Join Date: May 2003 Location: Boston, Mass. Casino cash: $10029808	My favorite lawyer joke: Q: What do you call a parachuting lawyer? A: Skeet. __________________ "I love signature blocks on the Internet. I get to put whatever the hell I want in quotes, pick a pretend author, and bang, it's like he really said it." George Washington
Posts: 43,125

07-03-2006, 03:01 PM	#268
SCTrojan Veteran Join Date: Nov 2003 Location: Across the park Casino cash: $6149719	Little Johnny's teacher was undecided as to whether to pass him to the next grade, so she asked the principal for his advice. The principal recmmended that she give Little Johnny a test while he listened on the intercom. They could then discuss whether it would be appropriate to pass him based on his test results. The teacher brought Little Johnny in and told him she would give him a test to determine whether he would pass to the next grade. First question: "Little Johnny, what do dogs do in the back yard that you wouldn't want to step in?" Little Johnny thought about it for a second and replied, "Dig holes." The teacher said, "Very good, Little Johnny. Second question: what do cows have four of that women only have two of?" Little Johnny thought about it for a second and replied: "Legs." The teacher said, "Very good, Little Johnny. Last question: what do men have in their pants that women don't have in theirs?" Little Johnny thought about if for a second and replied: "Pockets" The teacher said, "Very good, Little Johnny. You may go outside." She then looked up at the intercom and asked, "What do you think, Principal?" The principal replied: "Oh just go ahead and pass him. I missed all three of those questions."
Posts: 2,193

10-17-2006, 02:26 AM	#269
007 Shaken. Not stirred. Join Date: Sep 2002 Location: London Casino cash: $14060126 VARSITY	Ed was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really ticked off. She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE"! The next morning, Ed got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a small box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife put on her robe, ran out to the driveway and brought the box back in the house. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale. Funeral services for Ed have been scheduled for Friday. __________________ My dear girl, there are some things that just aren’t done. Such as, drinking Dom Perignon ’53 above the temperature of 38 degrees Fahrenheit. That’s just as bad as listening to the Beatles without earmuffs.
Posts: 65,554

10-17-2006, 03:26 AM	#270
onescrewleftuntwisted if only i had a hammer Join Date: May 2005 Location: your momma didn't say Casino cash: $10004900	hilary clinton and her driver are traveling down an old road when they come around a sharp corner and hit and kill a cow right infront of an old farm house. the driver says to hilary he had better go explain what happened to the farmer, so he walks up to the house about an hour later the driver returns to the car, his clothes are torn, he has lipstick smeared allover his face, a bottle of fancy wine in one hand and an expencive cigar in his mouth hillary says what happpened to you he said im hillary clintons driver and i just killed the old cow and the rest happened so fast i couldnt stop it __________________ quote lost in translation
Posts: 1,090