Hypothetical: Enter the witness protection program here.

[Rain Man]

State your interest and I will assign you a new life, along with that of your real or hypothetical spouse.

Here's mine:

Male name: BRYON
Female name: PAMELA
Surname: BARLOW
Location: Winnebago County, Iowa
Male occupation: Audio-Visual and Multimedia Collections Specialists
Annual Salary: $39,500
Female occupation: Tellers
Annual Salary: $31,700
Your Main Hobby: Astrology
Your Spouse's Main Hobby: Skiing

I wish they had assigned me a first name with a standard spelling, but my new job sounds okay. Kind of a cold place to live, though.

[Hog's Gone Fishin]

Already in the program.

[Rain Man]

Originally Posted by Hog Farmer

Already in the program.

Second time's a charm. Here's your new identity.

PHP Code:

Male name:    GEORGE
Female name:    CAROL
Surname:    QUARLES
Location:    Winston County, Mississippi
Male occupation:    Flight Attendants
Annual Salary:    $54,200
Female occupation:    Personal Care Aides
Annual Salary:    $19,900
Your Main Hobby:    Herping
Your Spouse's Main Hobby:    Shooting sport 


[Hog's Gone Fishin]

WTF ! My main Hobby is HERPING !

[Pilsner]

[Rain Man]

Originally Posted by Pilsner

...

You will unfortunately get teased a bit regarding 1980s Saturday Night Live, but you'll make a good living off your spouse.

Male name: HANS
Female name: FRAN
Surname: PARKS
Location: Monroe County, Illinois
Male occupation: Machine Feeders and Offbearers
Annual Salary: $32,000
Female occupation: Information Security Analysts
Annual Salary: $117,400
Your Main Hobby: Aircraft spotting
Your Spouse's Main Hobby: Origami

[Rain Man]

Originally Posted by Hog Farmer

WTF ! My main Hobby is HERPING !

I had to look it up, and it sounds interesting. It was less prostitution-related than I thought.

[Pilsner]

Originally Posted by Rain Man

Male occupation: Machine Feeders and Offbearers
Your Main Hobby: Aircraft spotting

So after a long day of feeding raw material into a machine, I relax by determining if there is currently aircraft flying through the sky or not.

I'd rather just get murdered by the mob. Thanks anyway.

[Kman34]

Ok.. I have a Mob hit out for me because I ratted them out.... I need to be by a golf course...

[Rain Man]

Originally Posted by Pilsner

So after a long day of feeding raw material into a machine, I relax by determining if there is currently aircraft flying through the sky or not.

I'd rather just get murdered by the mob. Thanks anyway.

Did your new life not ... PUMP ... YOU ... UP?

Sorry, just had to get in the first naming ridicule.

[Rain Man]

Originally Posted by Kman34

Ok.. I have a Mob hit out for me because I ratted them out.... I need to be by a golf course...

Let's see.

Male name: HARVEY
Female name: NAOMI
Surname: RAWSON
Location: Kinney County, Texas
Male occupation: Education Administrators, Postsecondary
Annual Salary: $62,900
Female occupation: Sound Engineering Technicians
Annual Salary: $49,800
Your Main Hobby: Pottery
Your Spouse's Main Hobby: Rappelling

A pot-making principal on the Mexican border. Are you reading a golf connection into any of that?

[Kman34]

Originally Posted by Rain Man

Let's see.

Male name: HARVEY
Female name: NAOMI
Surname: RAWSON
Location: Kinney County, Texas
Male occupation: Education Administrators, Postsecondary
Annual Salary: $62,900
Female occupation: Sound Engineering Technicians
Annual Salary: $49,800
Your Main Hobby: Pottery
Your Spouse's Main Hobby: Rappelling

A pot-making principal on the Mexican border. Are you reading a golf connection into any of that?

I'm going to start calling the wife Naomi in the morning....

[TimBone]

I want in! Hide me!

[Rain Man]

Originally Posted by TimBone

I want in! Hide me!

You get an alliterative name and a new home in the heartland, along with a nimble wife.


Male name: MARC
Female name: JACQUELYN
Surname: MARTZ
Location: Warrick County, Indiana
Male occupation: Meeting, Convention, and Event Planners
Annual Salary: $44,200
Female occupation: Media and Communication Equipment Workers, All Other
Annual Salary: $96,300
Your Main Hobby: Fantasy Sports
Your Spouse's Main Hobby: Parkour

['Hamas' Jenkins]

Do you guys remember Wright Thompson's feature about Helmet Man, the Egyptian National who emigrated to the US, became a witness for the first WTC bombing, and was then eventually relocated to KC, where he became a Chiefs Superfan? Eventually, the FO found out his identity, and after other legal and financial dustups, they took away his season tickets.

Additional layer of irony: the two main guys he testified against were in Leavenworth and Springfield, and they plopped him down basically right between the two of them.