Funny Stuff Clean jokes can be funny too! - Page 46

Frankie · 11-16-2011, 10:51 AM

Employee: Excuse me sir, may I talk to you?

Boss: Sure, come on in. What can I do for you?

Employee: Well sir, as you know, I have been an employee of this prestigious Firm for over ten years.

Boss: Yes.

Employee: I won't beat around the bush. Sir, I would like a raise. I currently have four companies after me and so I decided to talk to you first.

Boss: A raise? I would love to give you a raise, but this is just not the right time.

Employee: I understand your position, and I know that the current economic down turn has had a negative impact on sales, but you must also take into consideration my hard work, pro- activeness and loyalty to this company for over a decade.

Boss: Taking into account these factors, and considering I don't want to start a brain drain, I'm willing to offer you a ten percent raise and an extra five days of vacation time. How does that sound?

Employee: Great! It's a deal! Thank you, sir!

Boss: Before you go, just out of curiosity, what companies were after you?

Employee: Oh, the Electric Company, Gas Company, Water Company And the Mortgage Company!

Holladay · 12-09-2011, 02:56 AM

ba-da boom....hhehehe

Holladay · 12-09-2011, 02:58 AM

someone needs to do the "Best" of these things. I print them out and on road trips read them to the kids.

pearlblue · 12-09-2011, 05:55 AM

A newly married friends were visiting us when the topic of children came up. The bride said she wanted three children, while the young husband said two would be enough for him.

They discussed this discrepancy for a few minutes until the husband thought he’d put an end to things by saying boldly, “After our second child, I’ll just have a vasectomy.”

Without a moment’s hesitation, the bride retorted, “Well, I hope you’ll love the third one as if it’s your own.”

Frankie · 12-09-2011, 11:19 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by pearlblue

A newly married friends were visiting us when the topic of children came up. The bride said she wanted three children, while the young husband said two would be enough for him.

They discussed this discrepancy for a few minutes until the husband thought he’d put an end to things by saying boldly, “After our second child, I’ll just have a vasectomy.”

Without a moment’s hesitation, the bride retorted, “Well, I hope you’ll love the third one as if it’s your own.”

The Rick · 12-09-2011, 11:38 AM

One day an out of work mime is visiting the zoo and attempts to earn some money as a street performer.

However, as soon as he starts to draw a crowd, the zookeeper grabs him and drags him into his office.

The zookeeper explains to the mime that the zoo’s most popular attraction, a gorilla, has died suddenly. The keeper fears that attendance at the zoo will fall off. He offers the mime a job to dress up as the gorilla until they can get another one. The mime accepts.

The next morning, before the crowd arrives, the mime puts on the gorilla suit and enters the cage. He discovers that it’s a great job. He can sleep all he wants, play and make fun of people and he draws bigger crowds than he ever did as a mime.

However, eventually the crowds tire of him and he gets bored just swinging on tires. He begins to notice that the people are paying more attention to the lion in the cage next to his.

Not wanting to lose the attention of his audience, he climbs to the top of his cage, crawls across a partition, and dangles from the top to the lion’s cage. Of course, this makes the lion furious, but the crowd loves it.

At the end of the day the zookeeper comes and gives the mime a raise for being such a good attraction as a gorilla.

Well, this goes on for some time. The mime keeps taunting the lion, the crowds grow larger, and his salary keeps going up. Then one terrible day when he is dangling over the furious lion, he slips and falls. The mime is terrified. The lion gathers itself and prepares to pounce. The mime is so scared that he begins to run round and round the cage with the lion close behind.

Finally, the mime starts screaming and yelling, “Help, Help me!”, but the lion is quick and pounces. The mime soon finds himself flat on his back looking up at the angry lion and the lion says, “Shut up you idiot! Do you want to get us both fired?”

Micjones · 12-09-2011, 08:41 AM

A man hurriedly walks into a bar, flops down on a stool and tells the bartender to give him six of his most expensive shots. No sooner than the barkeep's done pouring the man devoured the shots. The bartender says, "Wow. You drunk those pretty fast!" The man replied, "You would've done the same thing if you had what I had!" Bartender says, "What do you have?" The man answered, "A dollar."

Holladay · 12-09-2011, 01:23 PM

Quote:

I laughed for a full 60 seconds at this one.

I told that one to my wife. She was lost as to the humor value

threebag · 12-16-2011, 03:48 PM

What do you call a pro bowl quarterback? Matt Cassel

**Bwana** · 12-16-2011, 04:21 PM

I would like to share an experience with you about drinking and driving.

As you know over the years some of us have had brushes with the authorities on our way home from social events.

Well, I have done something about it:

A couple of nights ago, I was out for dinner and ended up having a few too many drinks with some friends.

Knowing I may have been over the limit, I did something I've never done before - I took a bus home.

I arrived safely and without incident which was a real surprise since I had never even driven a bus before and am not sure where I got this one.

Please keep this in mind as you enjoy the holiday season.

Frankie · 12-16-2011, 04:33 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Bwana

I would like to share an experience with you about drinking and driving.

As you know over the years some of us have had brushes with the authorities on our way home from social events.

Well, I have done something about it:

A couple of nights ago, I was out for dinner and ended up having a few too many drinks with some friends.

Knowing I may have been over the limit, I did something I've never done before - I took a bus home.

I arrived safely and without incident which was a real surprise since I had never even driven a bus before and am not sure where I got this one.

Please keep this in mind as you enjoy the holiday season.

LOL

Dayze · 07-13-2012, 12:22 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Bwana

I would like to share an experience with you about drinking and driving.

As you know over the years some of us have had brushes with the authorities on our way home from social events.

Well, I have done something about it:

A couple of nights ago, I was out for dinner and ended up having a few too many drinks with some friends.

Knowing I may have been over the limit, I did something I've never done before - I took a bus home.

I arrived safely and without incident which was a real surprise since I had never even driven a bus before and am not sure where I got this one.

Please keep this in mind as you enjoy the holiday season.

that's awesome.

Frankie · 08-17-2012, 05:24 PM

Not a joke to tell, but funny nevertheless:

**Smed1065** · 12-21-2011, 08:13 PM

The best stories are the true ones. If you've ever testified in court, you might wish you could have been as sharp as this cop. A defense attorney was cross-examining a police officer during a felony trial. It went like this:
Q. Officer, did you see my client fleeing the scene?
A. No sir, but I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender running several blocks away.
Q. And who provided this description?
A. It was the officer who responded to the scene.
Q. A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?
A. Yes sir, with my life.
Q. With your life? Let me ask you this then officer, do you have a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?
A. Yes sir, we do.
Q. And do you have a locker in that room?
A. Yes sir, I do.
Q. And do you have a lock on your locker?
A. Yes sir.
Q. Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, that you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with those same officers?
A. You see sir, we share the building with the court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room.

ROYC75 · 04-04-2012, 08:16 PM

A Polish man moved to the USA and married an American girl.

Although his English was far from perfect, they got along very well. Until one day he rushed into
a lawyer's office and asked him if he could Arrange a divorce for him.

The lawyer said that getting a divorce would depend on the
circumstances, and asked him the following questions:

L: Have you any grounds?
P: Yes, an acre and half and nice little home.

L: No, I mean what is the foundation of this case?
P: It made of concrete.

L: I don't think you understand. Does either of you have a real grudge?
P: No, we have carport, and not need one.

L: I mean. What are your relations like?
P: All my relations still in Poland .

L: Is there any infidelity in your marriage?
P: We have hi-fidelity
stereo and good DVD player.

L: Does your wife beat you up?
P: No, I always up before her.

L: Is your wife a nagger?
P: No, she white.

L: Why do you want this divorce?
P: She going to kill me.

L: What makes you think that?
P: I got proof.

L: What kind of proof?
P: She going to poison me. She buy a bottle at
drugstore and put on shelf in bathroom. I can read, and it say: Polish Remover'.

11-16-2011, 10:51 AM	#1
Frankie Banned Join Date: Jul 2001 Casino cash: $10004900	Employee: Excuse me sir, may I talk to you? Boss: Sure, come on in. What can I do for you? Employee: Well sir, as you know, I have been an employee of this prestigious Firm for over ten years. Boss: Yes. Employee: I won't beat around the bush. Sir, I would like a raise. I currently have four companies after me and so I decided to talk to you first. Boss: A raise? I would love to give you a raise, but this is just not the right time. Employee: I understand your position, and I know that the current economic down turn has had a negative impact on sales, but you must also take into consideration my hard work, pro- activeness and loyalty to this company for over a decade. Boss: Taking into account these factors, and considering I don't want to start a brain drain, I'm willing to offer you a ten percent raise and an extra five days of vacation time. How does that sound? Employee: Great! It's a deal! Thank you, sir! Boss: Before you go, just out of curiosity, what companies were after you? Employee: Oh, the Electric Company, Gas Company, Water Company And the Mortgage Company!
Posts: 26,959

12-09-2011, 02:56 AM	#2
Holladay Veteran Join Date: Sep 2000 Casino cash: $2379480	ba-da boom....hhehehe
Posts: 3,602

12-09-2011, 02:58 AM	#3
Holladay Veteran Join Date: Sep 2000 Casino cash: $2379480	someone needs to do the "Best" of these things. I print them out and on road trips read them to the kids.
Posts: 3,602

12-09-2011, 05:55 AM	#4
pearlblue Rookie Join Date: Dec 2011 Casino cash: $10004900	A newly married friends were visiting us when the topic of children came up. The bride said she wanted three children, while the young husband said two would be enough for him. They discussed this discrepancy for a few minutes until the husband thought he’d put an end to things by saying boldly, “After our second child, I’ll just have a vasectomy.” Without a moment’s hesitation, the bride retorted, “Well, I hope you’ll love the third one as if it’s your own.”
Posts: 25

12-09-2011, 11:38 AM	#6
The Rick Veteran Join Date: Aug 2000 Location: Milwaukee, WI Casino cash: $7581320	Zoo Performer One day an out of work mime is visiting the zoo and attempts to earn some money as a street performer. However, as soon as he starts to draw a crowd, the zookeeper grabs him and drags him into his office. The zookeeper explains to the mime that the zoo’s most popular attraction, a gorilla, has died suddenly. The keeper fears that attendance at the zoo will fall off. He offers the mime a job to dress up as the gorilla until they can get another one. The mime accepts. The next morning, before the crowd arrives, the mime puts on the gorilla suit and enters the cage. He discovers that it’s a great job. He can sleep all he wants, play and make fun of people and he draws bigger crowds than he ever did as a mime. However, eventually the crowds tire of him and he gets bored just swinging on tires. He begins to notice that the people are paying more attention to the lion in the cage next to his. Not wanting to lose the attention of his audience, he climbs to the top of his cage, crawls across a partition, and dangles from the top to the lion’s cage. Of course, this makes the lion furious, but the crowd loves it. At the end of the day the zookeeper comes and gives the mime a raise for being such a good attraction as a gorilla. Well, this goes on for some time. The mime keeps taunting the lion, the crowds grow larger, and his salary keeps going up. Then one terrible day when he is dangling over the furious lion, he slips and falls. The mime is terrified. The lion gathers itself and prepares to pounce. The mime is so scared that he begins to run round and round the cage with the lion close behind. Finally, the mime starts screaming and yelling, “Help, Help me!”, but the lion is quick and pounces. The mime soon finds himself flat on his back looking up at the angry lion and the lion says, “Shut up you idiot! Do you want to get us both fired?”
Posts: 2,438

12-09-2011, 08:41 AM	#7
Micjones Whose house? Join Date: Mar 2007 Location: KCMO Casino cash: $10005180	A man hurriedly walks into a bar, flops down on a stool and tells the bartender to give him six of his most expensive shots. No sooner than the barkeep's done pouring the man devoured the shots. The bartender says, "Wow. You drunk those pretty fast!" The man replied, "You would've done the same thing if you had what I had!" Bartender says, "What do you have?" The man answered, "A dollar." __________________ It's like when I'm right I'm right, when I'm wrong I could been right, so I'm still right cause I coulda been wrong.
Posts: 15,344

12-16-2011, 03:48 PM	#9
threebag Snacks Are Under My Apron Join Date: Jan 2006 Location: The Edge Casino cash: $2801660	What do you call a pro bowl quarterback? Matt Cassel __________________ Free DeBerg HayWire Greatest Almost Mod Ever In big nasty kcnut we trust
Posts: 23,923

12-16-2011, 04:21 PM	#10
Bwana It's Five O'Clock Somewhere Join Date: Aug 2000 Location: Billings, Montana Casino cash: $2139253647	I would like to share an experience with you about drinking and driving. As you know over the years some of us have had brushes with the authorities on our way home from social events. Well, I have done something about it: A couple of nights ago, I was out for dinner and ended up having a few too many drinks with some friends. Knowing I may have been over the limit, I did something I've never done before - I took a bus home. I arrived safely and without incident which was a real surprise since I had never even driven a bus before and am not sure where I got this one. Please keep this in mind as you enjoy the holiday season. __________________ Adventure is dangerous....but monotony can kill you.
Posts: 69,788	1 0

08-17-2012, 05:24 PM	#13
Frankie Banned Join Date: Jul 2001 Casino cash: $10004900	Not a joke to tell, but funny nevertheless:
Posts: 26,959

12-21-2011, 08:13 PM	#14
Smed1065 Supporter Join Date: Nov 2003 Location: Returning From Hell Casino cash: $7703673	The best stories are the true ones. If you've ever testified in court, you might wish you could have been as sharp as this cop. A defense attorney was cross-examining a police officer during a felony trial. It went like this: Q. Officer, did you see my client fleeing the scene? A. No sir, but I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender running several blocks away. Q. And who provided this description? A. It was the officer who responded to the scene. Q. A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers? A. Yes sir, with my life. Q. With your life? Let me ask you this then officer, do you have a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties? A. Yes sir, we do. Q. And do you have a locker in that room? A. Yes sir, I do. Q. And do you have a lock on your locker? A. Yes sir. Q. Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, that you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with those same officers? A. You see sir, we share the building with the court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room.
Posts: 9,861

04-04-2012, 08:16 PM	#15
ROYC75 Time For Your Wake Up Call !!! Join Date: Oct 2000 Location: Barn Yard Casino cash: $5399400	A Polish man moved to the USA and married an American girl. Although his English was far from perfect, they got along very well. Until one day he rushed into a lawyer's office and asked him if he could Arrange a divorce for him. The lawyer said that getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances, and asked him the following questions: L: Have you any grounds? P: Yes, an acre and half and nice little home. L: No, I mean what is the foundation of this case? P: It made of concrete. L: I don't think you understand. Does either of you have a real grudge? P: No, we have carport, and not need one. L: I mean. What are your relations like? P: All my relations still in Poland . L: Is there any infidelity in your marriage? P: We have hi-fidelity stereo and good DVD player. L: Does your wife beat you up? P: No, I always up before her. L: Is your wife a nagger? P: No, she white. L: Why do you want this divorce? P: She going to kill me. L: What makes you think that? P: I got proof. L: What kind of proof? P: She going to poison me. She buy a bottle at drugstore and put on shelf in bathroom. I can read, and it say: Polish Remover'.
Posts: 37,021