Clean jokes can be funny too!

[Frankie]

Or at least good for a chuckle. Here's something completely different (for this BB). This thread is dedicated to ONLY CLEAN JOKES. Please post any clean joke that you find funny or at least amusing. We will not call you "dorks." Not in this thread. Let's see what you've got,... and share them.

Don't worry about repeat jokes. Nobody has time to check all posts.

[blackhawk]

A Chiefs fan, a Raiders fan and a Titans fan were all in Saudi Arabia, sharing a smuggled crate of booze. All of a sudden the Saudi police rushed in and arrested them. The mere possession of alcohol is a severe offense in Saudi Arabia, so for the terrible crime of actually being caught consuming the booze, they were sentenced to death!

However, with the help of very good lawyers, they were able to successfully appeal their sentence down to life imprisonment. By a stroke of luck, it was a Saudi national holiday the day their trial finished, and the extremely benevolent Sheik decided they could be released after receiving just 20 lashes each of the whip. As they were preparing for their punishment, the Sheik suddenly said, "It's my first wife's birthday today, and she has asked me to allow each of you one wish before your whipping."

The Titans fan was first in line (he had drunk the least), so he thought about this for a while and then said, "Please tie a pillow to my back." This was done, but the pillow only lasted 10 lashes before the whip went through. The Titans fan had to be carried away bleeding and crying with pain when the punishment was done.

The Raiders fan was next up (he almost finished an entire fifth by himself), and after watching the scene, said "All Right! Please fix two pillows on my back." But even two pillows could only take 15 lashes before the whip went through again, sending the Raiders fan out crying like a little girl.

The Chiefs fan was the last one up (he had finished off the crate), but before he could say anything, the Sheik turned to him and said, "You support the greatest team in the world, your team has some of the best and most loyal football fans in the world. For this, you may have two wishes!" "Thanks, your most Royal highness," the Chiefs fan replies. "In recognition of your kindness, my first wish is that you give me not 20, but 100 lashes."

"Not only are you an honorable, handsome and powerful man, you are also very brave," the Sheik says with an admiring look on his face. "If 100 lashes is what you desire, then so be it. And your second wish? What is it to be?" the Sheik asks.

"Tie the Raiders fan to my back."

[EyePod]

Originally Posted by blackhawk

A Chiefs fan, a Raiders fan and a Titans fan were all in Saudi Arabia, sharing a smuggled crate of booze. All of a sudden the Saudi police rushed in and arrested them. The mere possession of alcohol is a severe offense in Saudi Arabia, so for the terrible crime of actually being caught consuming the booze, they were sentenced to death!

However, with the help of very good lawyers, they were able to successfully appeal their sentence down to life imprisonment. By a stroke of luck, it was a Saudi national holiday the day their trial finished, and the extremely benevolent Sheik decided they could be released after receiving just 20 lashes each of the whip. As they were preparing for their punishment, the Sheik suddenly said, "It's my first wife's birthday today, and she has asked me to allow each of you one wish before your whipping."

The Titans fan was first in line (he had drunk the least), so he thought about this for a while and then said, "Please tie a pillow to my back." This was done, but the pillow only lasted 10 lashes before the whip went through. The Titans fan had to be carried away bleeding and crying with pain when the punishment was done.

The Raiders fan was next up (he almost finished an entire fifth by himself), and after watching the scene, said "All Right! Please fix two pillows on my back." But even two pillows could only take 15 lashes before the whip went through again, sending the Raiders fan out crying like a little girl.

The Chiefs fan was the last one up (he had finished off the crate), but before he could say anything, the Sheik turned to him and said, "You support the greatest team in the world, your team has some of the best and most loyal football fans in the world. For this, you may have two wishes!" "Thanks, your most Royal highness," the Chiefs fan replies. "In recognition of your kindness, my first wish is that you give me not 20, but 100 lashes."

"Not only are you an honorable, handsome and powerful man, you are also very brave," the Sheik says with an admiring look on his face. "If 100 lashes is what you desire, then so be it. And your second wish? What is it to be?" the Sheik asks.

"Tie the Raiders fan to my back."

NICE!!!!

[Rooster]

Paddy and his two friends are talking at a bar.

His first friend says, “I think my wife is having an affair with the electrician. The other day I came home and found wire cutters under our bed and they weren’t mine.”

His second friend says, “I think my wife is having an affair with the plumber the other day I found a wrench under the bed and it wasn’t mine.”

Paddy says, “I think my wife is having an affair with a horse.”

Both his friends look at him with utter disbelief.

“No, I’m serious,” Paddy says. “The other day I came home and found a jockey under our bed.”

[blackhawk]

A Chiefs fan, a Raiders fan, and Pamela Anderson are sitting together in a train traveling through Switzerland when the train enters a tunnel and the car goes completely dark. There's a kissing noise, and then the sound of a really loud slap. When the train comes out of the tunnel, Pamela Anderson and the Chiefs fan are sitting as if nothing had happened, and the Raider fan is holding his slapped face.

The Raiders fan is thinking, "That Chiefs fan must have kissed Pamela Anderson and she swung at him and missed, slapping me instead." Pamela Anderson is thinking, "That Raiders fan must have tried to kiss me, accidentally kissed the Chiefs fan, and got slapped for it." And the Chiefs fan is thinking, "This is great. The next time the train goes through a tunnel, I'll make another kissing noise and slap that Raiders fan again."

[Slayer Diablo]

Over a hundred years ago, a Britain, a Frenchman, and an American were captured by a small tribe near the Ohio River. The Chief said to them they could choose any method of death available, and their skins would be used for canoes.

The Britain went first and said, "I want a noble death, so give me poison." The tribe's medicine woman made a powerful poison and presented it to the Britain, who said, "Long live the Queen!" before downing the whole thing, going into convulsions, and dying within a few minutes.

The Frenchman was next. "I want a less painful death, so let me use the Britain's pistol." The Chief agreed to this. The Frenchman yelled, "Viva la Paris!" before blowing off his own head.

The American was last and asked the Chief for his knife. The Chief gave him the large-bladed knife, and the American proceeded to cut himself up and down his arms and legs. He then sliced at his back and was about to stab his chest when the Chief asked in terror what he was doing.

The American stabbed himself in the gut and chest a few times and, with his dying breath, said "Good luck with your f***ing canoe!"

[Rooster]

A Cowboy rides into town and stops at a saloon for a drink. When he finishes his drink, he finds his horse has been stolen. He goes back into the bar, handily flips his gun into the air, catches it above his head without looking and fires a shot into the ceiling.

“Which one of you sidewinders stole my hoss?” he yells. No one answers.

“Alright, I’m gonna have anotha beer, and if my hoss ain’t back outside by the time I finish, I’m gonna do what I done in Texas! And I don’t like to have to do what I done in Texas!”

He has another beer, walks outside, and his horse is back. He saddles up and gets ready to ride out of town.

Before he leaves, the bartender wanders out of the bar and asks, “Say partner, before you go… What happened in Texas?” The cowboy turns back and says, “I had to walk home.”

[blackhawk]

Just before an American wrestler takes on a Russian opponent, his coach warns him to avoid the Russky’s unbeatable “pretzel” move.

The match starts, and the Russian quickly gets the American doubled over in the pretzel. The coach can’t bear to watch…then he looks up to see his wrestler pinning the Russian.

“How’d you do it?” the coach asks after the match.

“I saw this pair of balls in front of my face,” the wrestler replies. “So I just bit them.” “It worked!” the coach exclaims.

“No,” says the wrestler. “But it’s amazing how strong you get when your testicles get bitten.”

[bkkcoh]

Your family automatically heads for the table every time they hear a fire alarm.

Anyone has ever broken a tooth eating your homemade yogurt.

Your kids know what "peas porridge in a pot nine days old" tastes like.

Your son goes outside to make mud pies, and the rest of the
family grabs forks and follows him.

Your favorite drink of your kids is Alka-Seltzer.

You have to buy 25 pounds of dog food twice a week for your
toy poodle.

Your kids got even with the neighborhood bully by inviting him over for dinner.

Your husband refers to the smoke detector as the oven timer.

No matter what you do to it, the gravy still turns bright purple.

[KCKID58]

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.

My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'

'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'

'My God!' says my wife, 'who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'

A ND THAT'S WHEN THE FIGHT STARTED

[KCKID58]

I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny?

Yeah, well I couldn't believe it... he was a DWARF!!!

He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, 'I AM NOT HAPPY!!!'

So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then which one are you?'

AND THAT'S WHEN THE FIGHT STARTED

[KCKID58]

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.

She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security applic ation.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.

She said, 'you should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.'

AND THAT'S WHEN THE FIGHT STARTED

[KCKID58]

Subject: Don't forget next Saturday . . .

As you may already know, it is a sin for a Muslim male to see any woman
other than his wife naked, and that he must commit suicide if he does.
So next Saturday at 4 PM. Eastern Time, all American women are asked to
walk out of their house completely naked to help weed out any
neighborhood terrorists.

Circling your block for one hour is recommended for this anti-terrorist
effort.

All men are to position themselves in lawn chairs in front of their
house to prove they are not Muslims, and to demonstrate they think it's
okay to see nude women other than their wife and to show support for all
American women. Since Islam also does not approve of alcohol, a cold
6-pack at your side is further proof of your anti-Muslim sentiment.

The American government appreciates your efforts to root out terrorists
and applauds your participation in this anti-terrorist activity.

God bless America .

[KCKID58]

Why we miss Rodney Dangerfield

Because he said . ..

My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night she used me to time an egg.

It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass!

Last night my wife met me at the front door. She was wearing a sexy negligee. The only trouble was, she was coming home.

A girl phoned me and said, 'Come on over. There's nobody home.' I went over. Nobody was home!

A hooker once told me she had a headache.

I went to a massage parlor. It was self service.

If it weren't for pickpockets, I'd have no sex life at all.

I wa s making love to this girl and she started crying I said, 'Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?' She said, 'No, I hate myself now.'

I knew a girl so ugly that she was known as a two-bagger. That's when you put a bag over your head in case the bag over her head comes off.

I knew a girl so ugly, they use her in prisons to cure sex offenders.

My wife is such a bad cook, if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.

I'm so ugly I stuck my head out the window and got arrested for mooning.

The other day I came home and a guy was jogging, naked. I asked him, 'Why?' He said, 'Because you came home early.'

My wife's such a bad cook, the dog begs for Alka-Seltzer.

I know I' m not sexy. When I put my underwear on I can hear the Fruit-of-the-Loom guys giggling.

My wife is such a bad cook, in my house we pray after the meal.

My wife likes to talk on the phone during sex; she called me from Chicago last night.

My family was so poor that if I hadn't been born a boy, I wouldn't of had anything to play with.

[KCKID58]

How to Impress a Woman
Compliment her,
respect her,
honor her,
cuddle her,
kiss her,
caress her,
love her,
stroke her,
tease her,
comfort her,
protect her,
hug her,
hold her,
spend money on her,
wine and dine her,
buy things for her,
listen to her,
care for her,
stand by her,
support her,
hold her,
go to the ends of the Earth for her.

How to Impress a Man
Show up naked.
Bring food.

[StcChief]

Originally Posted by KCKID58

How to Impress a Man
Show up naked.
Bring food.

bring Beer.