Clean jokes can be funny too!

[Frankie]

Or at least good for a chuckle. Here's something completely different (for this BB). This thread is dedicated to ONLY CLEAN JOKES. Please post any clean joke that you find funny or at least amusing. We will not call you "dorks." Not in this thread. Let's see what you've got,... and share them.

Don't worry about repeat jokes. Nobody has time to check all posts.

[KCwolf]

Mexican Boy's Confession

'Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl'.
The priest asks, 'Is that you, little Juanito Calenturas?'
'Yes, Father, it is.'
'And who was the girl you were with?'
'I can't tell you, Father, I don't want to ruin her reputation'
'Well, Juanito, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so
you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Martinez?'
'I cannot say.'
'Was it Teresa Garcia?'
'I'll never tell.'
'Was it Nina Lopez?'
'I'm sorry, but I cannot name her.'
'Was it Cathy Ramirez?'
'My lips are sealed.'
'Was it Rosa Fernandez, then?'
'Please, Father, I cannot tell you.'
The priest sighs in frustration. 'You're very tight lipped, and I admire
that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy
now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself.' Juanito walks back
to his pew, and his friend Carlitos slides over and whispers, 'What'd you get?'
'Four months vacation and five good leads.'

[Fairplay]

The Armys Camel


A Captain in the foreign legion was transfered to a desert outpost. On his orientation tour he noticed a very old, seedy looking camel tied out back of the enlisted mens barracks. He asked the Sargent leading the tour,

"What's the camel for?".

The Sargent replied "Well sir it's a long way from anywhere, and the men have natural sexual urges, so when they do, uh, we have the camel."

The captain said "Well if it's good for moral, then I guess it's all right with me."

After he had been at the fort for about 6 months the captain could not stand it any more so he told his Sargent, "BRING IN THE CAMEL!!!" The sarge shrugged his shoulders and led the camel into the captains quarters.

The captain got a foot stool & proceeded to have vigorous sex with the camel. As he stepped, satisfied, down from the stool, and was buttoning his pants he asked the Sargent, "Is that how the enlisted men do it?"

The Sargent replied, "Well sir, they usually just use the camel to ride into town to find the women.

[Lzen]

Well Fairplay, I would not consider those last 2 jokes clean jokes. But they were pretty funny.

[blackhawk]

Two men are driving through Alabama when they get pulled over by a highway patrolman. The cop walks up and taps on the window with his nightstick. The driver rolls down the window and ‘Whack!’ the cop smacks him in the head with the stick.
The driver asks, “What the hell was that for?”

The cop answers, “You’re in Alabama, son. When we pull you over, you better have your license ready when we get to your car.”

The driver says, “I’m sorry, Officer, I’m not from around here.” The cop runs a check on the guy’s license, and he’s clean. He gives the guy his license back, walks around to the passenger side, and taps on the window. The passenger rolls down the window and, ‘Whack!’ the cop smacks him on the head with the nightstick.

The passenger asks, “What’d you do that for?”

The cop says, “Just making your wish come true.”

The passenger asks, “Making what wish come true?”

The cop says, “Two miles down the road you’re gonna say to your buddy, ‘I wish that a$$hole would’ve tried that $hit with me!’”

[Fairplay]

This joke rated PG.

A husband and wife decided they needed to use "code" to indicate that they wanted to have sex without letting their children in on it. They decided on the word Typewriter.

One day the husband told his five year old daughter, "Go tell your mommy that daddy needs to type a letter".

The child told her mother what her dad said, and her mom responded, "Tell your daddy that he can't type a letter right now cause there is a red ribbon in the typewriter." The child went back to tell her father what mommy said.

A few days later the mom told the daughter, "Tell daddy that he can type that letter now."

The child told her father, returned to her mother and announced, "Daddy said never mind with the typewriter, he already wrote the letter by hand."

[Extra Point]

What has three teeth and 30 feet long?







The funnel cake line at the state fair.

[gblowfish]

A woman meets a man in a bar. They talk; they connect; they end up leaving together.

They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment, she notices that one wall of his bedroom is completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears.

There are three shelves in the bedroom, with hundreds and hundreds of cute, cuddly teddy bears carefully placed in rows, covering the entire wall!

It was obvious that he had taken quite some time to lovingly arrange them and she was immediately touched by the amount of thought he had put into organizing the display.

There were small bears all along the bottom shelf, medium-sized bears covering the length of the middle shelf, and huge, enormous bears running all the way along the top shelf.

She found it strange for an obviously masculine guy to have such a large collection of Teddy Bears. She is quite impressed by his sensitive side but doesn't mention this to him.

They share a bottle of wine and continue talking and, after awhile, she finds herself thinking,

'Oh my God! Maybe, this guy could be the one!

Maybe he could be the future father of my children?'

She turns to him and kisses him lightly on the lips.

He responds warmly.

They continue to kiss, the passion builds, and he romantically lifts her in his arms and carries her into his bedroom where they rip off each other's clothes and make hot, steamy love.

She is so overwhelmed that she responds with more passion, more creativity, more heat than she has ever known.

After an intense, explosive night of raw passion with this sensitive guy, they are lying there together in the afterglow.

The woman rolls over, gently strokes his chest and asks coyly, 'Well, how was it?'

The guy gently smiles at her, strokes her cheek, looks deeply into her eyes, and says:

'Help yourself to any prize from the middle shelf.'

[Frankie]

A Mexican maid asked her employer for a pay increase.

The wife was very upset about this and asked: 'Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?'

Maria: 'Well Señora, there are three reasons why I want an increase. The first is that I iron better than you.'

Wife: 'Who said you iron better than me?'

Maria: 'Your husband said so.'

Wife: 'Oh. I see.'

Maria: 'The second reason is that I am a better cook than you.'

Wife: 'Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?'

Maria: 'Your husband did.'

Wife: 'Oh. I see.'

Maria: 'My third reason is that I am a better lover than you.'

Wife (really furious now): 'Did MY HUSBAND say that as well?'

Maria: 'No Señora,... the gardener did.'

Needless to say, she got her raise.

[blackhawk]

A guy walks into a bar with a dachshund under his arm. The dog is wearing a Jets jersey helmet and is holding Jets pom poms.

The bartender says,"Hey! No pets allowed in here! You'll have to leave!"

The man begs, "Look I'm desperate. We're both big fans, my TV is broken, and this is the only place we can see the game!"

After securing a promise that the dog will behave and warning him that if there is any trouble they will be thrown out, the bartender relents and allows them to stay in the bar and watch the game.

The game begins with the Jets receiving a kickoff. They march down field stop at the 30,and kick a field goal. With that the dog jumps up on the bar and begins walking up and down the bar giving everyone a high-five.

The bartender says,"Wow that is the most amazing thing I've ever seen! What does the dog do if they score a touchdown?"

"I don't know," replies the owner, "I've only had him for four years."

[Archie F. Swin]

Wife comes home to find her husband bouncing off the walls with joy. Hes smiling ear to ear and can barely contain his euphoria.

Wife asks "Ok, whats up with you?"
he replies "I ... I finished my jigsaw puzzle."
she admits " Umm....but it took you 6 months."

He replies "I know, but on the box it says '1-3 years'!"

[Archie F. Swin]

Originally Posted by blackhawk

A guy walks into a bar with a dachshund under his arm. The dog is wearing a Jets jersey helmet and is holding Jets pom poms.

The bartender says,"Hey! No pets allowed in here! You'll have to leave!"

The man begs, "Look I'm desperate. We're both big fans, my TV is broken, and this is the only place we can see the game!"

After securing a promise that the dog will behave and warning him that if there is any trouble they will be thrown out, the bartender relents and allows them to stay in the bar and watch the game.

The game begins with the Jets receiving a kickoff. They march down field stop at the 30,and kick a field goal. With that the dog jumps up on the bar and begins walking up and down the bar giving everyone a high-five.

The bartender says,"Wow that is the most amazing thing I've ever seen! What does the dog do if they score a touchdown?"

"I don't know," replies the owner, "I've only had him for four years."

oh, that's money!

[Pennywise]

Originally Posted by Frankie

Or at least good for a chuckle. Here's something completely different (for this BB). This thread is dedicated to ONLY CLEAN JOKES. Please post any clean joke that you find funny or at least amusing. We will not call you "dorks." Not in this thread. Let's see what you've got,... and share them.

One day, Little Johnny was sitting in class when the teacher came in. She announced that they were going to play a little game where she would say a letter, and she would pick one person in the class to say an animal that started with that letter.

So first the teacher said the letter "C", and there were several kids with their hands raised, but Johnny was jumping up and down, so the teacher thinking, "Oh no, not Johnny" picked on Susie.

Susie said, "Cow."

The teacher said very good. Next the teacher said the letter "S". There was Johnny jumping up and down trying to get the teacher to call on him, but instead she called on Billy.

He said "Snake". Good she said.

Next she called out the letter "R", and once again there was Johnny jumping up and down, in the aisle to get the teacher's attention. So the teacher thinks to herself, "I can't think of anything bad that starts with an 'R'", so she calls on Johnny.

"A Rat..." Johnny says, spreading his hands about 12" apart, a big ****ing rat, with a dick this big."

[Slayer Diablo]

"...I've found that whenever I'm in a mixed crowd of lawyers and non-lawyers, the lawyers believe my jokes aren't funny and the non-lawyers think they're true."

IIRC, that was by Chief Justice JR...

[blackhawk]

Al Davis had finally put together the perfect Oakland Raiders team for '98. The only thing he was missing was a good quarterback. He had scouted all the colleges, and even the high schools, and he couldn't find a quarterback that would ensure a SuperBowl win.

Then one night, watching CNN, he saw a war zone in Bosnia. In the background, out of the corner of his eye, he spotted a young Bosnian soldier with a truly incredible arm. He threw a hand grenade straight into a 15th story window 200 yards away! He threw another grenade into a group of about 10 soldiers a good 110 yards away! A car passes going 80 miles (120 km) an hour, and he send another grenade right into the barely open window. "I've got to get this guy," Al says to himself, "He has the perfect arm!"

So he brings him to the States and teaches him the game of football. Predictably, the young man breaks all the NFL records for completed passes, and the Raiders go on to win the SuperBowl.

The young Bosnian is lionized as the Great Hero of SuperBowl XXXIII, and when Al asks him what he wants, all the young man wants to do is to call his mother.

"Mom," the young man says into the receiver, "I just won the SuperBowl."

"I don't want to talk to you, " the old woman says, "You deserted us. You're not my son."

"I don't think you understand, mother." the young man pleads, "I just won the greatest sporting event in the world. I'm in the middle of thousands of adoring fans."

"No, let me tell you," the mother implores. "At this very moment, there are gun shots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your two brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week, and this week your sister was attacked in broad daylight..."

The old lady pauses, then says through her tears, "I'll never forgive you for moving us to Oakland!"

[greg63]

Originally Posted by Slayer

"...I've found that whenever I'm in a mixed crowd of lawyers and non-lawyers, the lawyers believe my jokes aren't funny and the non-lawyers think they're true."

IIRC, that was by Chief Justice JR...

I think a bus load of lawyers rolling over the edge of a very high cliff is a good start.