Funny Stuff Clean jokes can be funny too! - Page 28

Frankie · 05:17 PM

Or at least good for a chuckle. Here's something completely different (for this BB). This thread is dedicated to ONLY CLEAN JOKES. Please post any clean joke that you find funny or at least amusing. We will not call you "dorks." Not in this thread. Let's see what you've got,... and share them.

Don't worry about repeat jokes. Nobody has time to check all posts.

**chasedude** · 11-14-2007, 03:47 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Lzen

Welcome to 1999.

eh.. first time I heard it

Frankie · 11-14-2007, 04:56 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Lzen

Welcome to 1999.

Bad Lzen. Read the topic of the thread and don't discourage posters. On occaisions I for one haven't heard an "old" joke.

Frankie · 11-14-2007, 04:57 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by RustShack

Dirty jokes are way better

Start a thread for them. This one is strictly for jokes I can tell in front of Grandma.

**Bwana** · 11-16-2007, 04:18 PM

Are you a Democrat, a Republican, or a Redneck?

Here is a little test that will help you decide

You're walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small children. Suddenly, an Islamic terrorist with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, praises Allah, raises the knife, and charges at you.

You are carrying a Glock cal 40, and you are an expert shot. You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family.

What do you do?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Democrat's Answer

Well, that's not enough information to answer the question!

Does the man look poor! Or oppressed?

Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack?

Could we run away?

What does my wife think? What about the kids?

Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand?

What does the law say about this situation?

Does the Glock have appropriate safety built into it?

Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind of message does this send to society and to my children?

Is it possible he'd be happy with just killing me?

Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be content just to wound me?

If I were to grab his knees and hold on , could my family get away while he was stabbing me?

Should I call 9-1-1 ?

Why is this street so deserted?

We need to raise taxes, have a paint and weed day and make this a happier, healthier street that would discourage such behavior.

This is all so confusing!

I need to discuss with some friends over a latte and try to come to a consensus.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Republican's Answer:

BANG! If he is still moving, BANG! BANG!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Redneck's Answer:

BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! Click....

(sounds of reloading)

BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! click

Daughter: "Nice grouping, Daddy! Were those Corbon DPX or

or Pow'RBalls?"

Son: "You got him, Pop! Can I shoot the next one?"

Wife: "You are not taking that to the taxidermist."

Valiant · 11-16-2007, 04:42 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Bwana

Are you a Democrat, a Republican, or a Redneck?

Here is a little test that will help you decide

You're walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small children. Suddenly, an Islamic terrorist with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, praises Allah, raises the knife, and charges at you.

You are carrying a Glock cal 40, and you are an expert shot. You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family.

What do you do?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Democrat's Answer

Well, that's not enough information to answer the question!

Does the man look poor! Or oppressed?

Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack?

Could we run away?

What does my wife think? What about the kids?

Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand?

What does the law say about this situation?

Does the Glock have appropriate safety built into it?

Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind of message does this send to society and to my children?

Is it possible he'd be happy with just killing me?

Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be content just to wound me?

If I were to grab his knees and hold on , could my family get away while he was stabbing me?

Should I call 9-1-1 ?

Why is this street so deserted?

We need to raise taxes, have a paint and weed day and make this a happier, healthier street that would discourage such behavior.

This is all so confusing!

I need to discuss with some friends over a latte and try to come to a consensus.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Republican's Answer:

BANG! If he is still moving, BANG! BANG!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Redneck's Answer:

BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! Click....

(sounds of reloading)

BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! click

Daughter: "Nice grouping, Daddy! Were those Corbon DPX or

or Pow'RBalls?"

Son: "You got him, Pop! Can I shoot the next one?"

Wife: "You are not taking that to the taxidermist."

I found the font and size of the words more interesting the joke..

**Bwana** · 11-16-2007, 09:18 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Valiant

I found the font and size of the words more interesting the joke..

Long Fu*king week bud. Normally I would take the time to beak it down into english, but after this long sorry week, I could give a rats ass and found it kind of funny. I decided to keep it in the TommyKat font.

Rooster · 11-20-2007, 01:27 PM

One afternoon, Christopher's father picked him up early from school to take Chris to a dental appointment.

Knowing that the parts for the school play were supposed to be posted today, the father asked his son if he had gotten a part.

Christopher enthusiastically announced that indeed he had gotten a part. Chris proudly exclaimed, "I play a man who's been married for 20 years."

"That's great, son. Keep up the good work, and before you know it, they'll be giving you a speaking part."

**chasedude** · 11-20-2007, 02:08 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Rooster

One afternoon, Christopher's father picked him up early from school to take Chris to a dental appointment.

Knowing that the parts for the school play were supposed to be posted today, the father asked his son if he had gotten a part.

Christopher enthusiastically announced that indeed he had gotten a part. Chris proudly exclaimed, "I play a man who's been married for 20 years."

"That's great, son. Keep up the good work, and before you know it, they'll be giving you a speaking part."

Rooster · 11-20-2007, 02:53 PM

A Chargers fan, a Broncos fan, a Raiders fan, and a Chiefs fan are climbing a mountain. On the way to the top, each is arguing about how loyal they are to their team and what they would do for that team.

Upon reaching the top, the Chargers fan shouts, "This is for the Chargers!!!" and throws himself off the top of the mountain.

Next the Broncos fan yells, "This is for the Broncos!!" and he too jumps off.

And then the Chiefs fan reaches the top and screams, "This is for EVERYONE!!" and pushes the Raiders fan off the mountain.

**gblowfish** · 12-01-2007, 12:34 PM

A man was working with an electric saw when he accidentally sawed off all ten fingers.
He quickly rushed to the emergency room. The doctor there to told him, "Give me the fingers and I'll see what I can do".
The man said, "But I don't have the fingers!".
"What! You don't have the fingers!?", said the doctor, "You should have brought them to me. We have all kinds of operations we could have done like microsurgery and stuff. We could have put them back as good as new."
The man said, "But Doc, I couldn't pick them up."

**gblowfish** · 12-04-2007, 04:12 PM

A biker was riding along a California beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said, “Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish.”

The biker pulled over and said, “Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want.”

The Lord said, “Your request is materialistic, think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that would honor and glorify Me.”

The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, “Lord, I wish that I could understand my wife. I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, and how I can make a woman truly happy.”

The Lord replied, “You want two lanes or four on that bridge?”

Rooster · 12-05-2007, 08:42 AM

A man boarded a bus with both of his front trouser pockets full of golf balls.

He sat down next to a young and beautiful (Yes,you guessed it!) blonde.

The puzzled blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pockets.

Finally, after many such glances from her, he said, "its golf balls".

Nevertheless, the blonde continued to look at him for a very long time, thinking about what he had said.

After several minutes, not being able to contain her curiosity any longer,?
she asked, "Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?"

Rooster · 12-06-2007, 04:41 PM

When the store manager returned from lunch, he noticed his clerk's hand was bandaged, but before he could ask about it, the clerk said he had some very good news for him.

"Guess what, sir?" the clerk said. "I finally sold that terrible, ugly suit we've had so long!"

"Do you mean that ugly pink-and-blue double-breasted thing?" the manager asked.

"That's the one!"

“That's great!" the manager cried, "I thought we'd never get rid of that monstrosity! That had to be the ugliest suit we've ever had! But tell me. Why is your hand bandaged?"

"Oh," the clerk replied, "after I sold the guy that suit, his guide dog bit me.

**Bwana** · 12-07-2007, 07:41 PM

My Daddy Is A Dancer

One day last week, a fourth-grade teacher asked the children what their fathers did for a living.All the typical answers came up: Fireman Mechanic Businessman Salesman Doctor Lawyer, and so forth. However, little Johnnie was being uncharacteristically quiet, so when the teacher prodded him about his father, he replied,' My father's an exotic dancer in a gay cabaret and takes off his clothes in front of other men and they put money in his underwear.

Sometimes, if the offer is really good, he will go home with some guy and stay with him all night for money.'

The teacher, obviously shaken by this statement, hurriedly set the other children to work on some math problems and then took little Johnnie aside to ask him, 'Is that really true about your father?'
'No,' the boy said,'He works for the Democratic National Committee and is helping to get Hillary Clinton elected as our next President, but I was too embarrassed to say that in front of the other kids.'

Rooster · 12-10-2007, 10:54 AM

A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train. After the initial embarrassment they both go to sleep, the woman on the top bunk, the man on the lower. In the middle of the night the woman leans over and says, "I'm sorry to bother you, but I'm awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly pass me another blanket."

The man leans out and with a glint in his eye says, "I've got a better idea, let's pretend we're married."

"Why not?" giggles the woman.

"Good," he replies, "get your own damn blanket!"

09-25-2005, 09:00 AM
Frankie Banned Join Date: Jul 2001 Casino cash: $10004900	Clean jokes can be funny too! Or at least good for a chuckle. Here's something completely different (for this BB). This thread is dedicated to ONLY CLEAN JOKES. Please post any clean joke that you find funny or at least amusing. We will not call you "dorks." Not in this thread. Let's see what you've got,... and share them. Don't worry about repeat jokes. Nobody has time to check all posts. Last edited by Frankie; 07-10-2011 at 05:17 PM..
Posts: 26,959

11-16-2007, 04:18 PM	#409
Bwana It's Five O'Clock Somewhere Join Date: Aug 2000 Location: Billings, Montana Casino cash: $2139283647	Are you a Democrat, a Republican, or a Redneck? Here is a little test that will help you decide You're walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small children. Suddenly, an Islamic terrorist with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, praises Allah, raises the knife, and charges at you. You are carrying a Glock cal 40, and you are an expert shot. You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family. What do you do? ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Democrat's Answer Well, that's not enough information to answer the question! Does the man look poor! Or oppressed? Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack? Could we run away? What does my wife think? What about the kids? Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand? What does the law say about this situation? Does the Glock have appropriate safety built into it? Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind of message does this send to society and to my children? Is it possible he'd be happy with just killing me? Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be content just to wound me? If I were to grab his knees and hold on , could my family get away while he was stabbing me? Should I call 9-1-1 ? Why is this street so deserted? We need to raise taxes, have a paint and weed day and make this a happier, healthier street that would discourage such behavior. This is all so confusing! I need to discuss with some friends over a latte and try to come to a consensus. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Republican's Answer: BANG! If he is still moving, BANG! BANG! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Redneck's Answer: BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! Click.... (sounds of reloading) BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! click Daughter: "Nice grouping, Daddy! Were those Corbon DPX or or Pow'RBalls?" Son: "You got him, Pop! Can I shoot the next one?" Wife: "You are not taking that to the taxidermist." __________________ Adventure is dangerous....but monotony can kill you.
Posts: 69,784

11-20-2007, 01:27 PM	#412
Rooster Draft a QB Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: JoCo Casino cash: $9961689	One afternoon, Christopher's father picked him up early from school to take Chris to a dental appointment. Knowing that the parts for the school play were supposed to be posted today, the father asked his son if he had gotten a part. Christopher enthusiastically announced that indeed he had gotten a part. Chris proudly exclaimed, "I play a man who's been married for 20 years." "That's great, son. Keep up the good work, and before you know it, they'll be giving you a speaking part." __________________ When Reno Hightower was a prick he was the best damn quarterback in the history of Kern County.
Posts: 5,753

11-20-2007, 02:53 PM	#414
Rooster Draft a QB Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: JoCo Casino cash: $9961689	A Chargers fan, a Broncos fan, a Raiders fan, and a Chiefs fan are climbing a mountain. On the way to the top, each is arguing about how loyal they are to their team and what they would do for that team. Upon reaching the top, the Chargers fan shouts, "This is for the Chargers!!!" and throws himself off the top of the mountain. Next the Broncos fan yells, "This is for the Broncos!!" and he too jumps off. And then the Chiefs fan reaches the top and screams, "This is for EVERYONE!!" and pushes the Raiders fan off the mountain. __________________ When Reno Hightower was a prick he was the best damn quarterback in the history of Kern County.
Posts: 5,753

12-01-2007, 12:34 PM	#415
gblowfish Be Kind To Your Pets Join Date: Jun 2002 Location: Glorious Independence, MO Casino cash: $17606178 VARSITY	A man was working with an electric saw when he accidentally sawed off all ten fingers. He quickly rushed to the emergency room. The doctor there to told him, "Give me the fingers and I'll see what I can do". The man said, "But I don't have the fingers!". "What! You don't have the fingers!?", said the doctor, "You should have brought them to me. We have all kinds of operations we could have done like microsurgery and stuff. We could have put them back as good as new." The man said, "But Doc, I couldn't pick them up."
Posts: 40,843

12-04-2007, 04:12 PM	#416
gblowfish Be Kind To Your Pets Join Date: Jun 2002 Location: Glorious Independence, MO Casino cash: $17606178 VARSITY	A biker was riding along a California beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said, “Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish.” The biker pulled over and said, “Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want.” The Lord said, “Your request is materialistic, think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that would honor and glorify Me.” The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, “Lord, I wish that I could understand my wife. I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, and how I can make a woman truly happy.” The Lord replied, “You want two lanes or four on that bridge?”
Posts: 40,843

12-05-2007, 08:42 AM	#417
Rooster Draft a QB Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: JoCo Casino cash: $9961689	A man boarded a bus with both of his front trouser pockets full of golf balls. He sat down next to a young and beautiful (Yes,you guessed it!) blonde. The puzzled blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pockets. Finally, after many such glances from her, he said, "its golf balls". Nevertheless, the blonde continued to look at him for a very long time, thinking about what he had said. After several minutes, not being able to contain her curiosity any longer,? she asked, "Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?" __________________ When Reno Hightower was a prick he was the best damn quarterback in the history of Kern County.
Posts: 5,753

12-06-2007, 04:41 PM	#418
Rooster Draft a QB Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: JoCo Casino cash: $9961689	When the store manager returned from lunch, he noticed his clerk's hand was bandaged, but before he could ask about it, the clerk said he had some very good news for him. "Guess what, sir?" the clerk said. "I finally sold that terrible, ugly suit we've had so long!" "Do you mean that ugly pink-and-blue double-breasted thing?" the manager asked. "That's the one!" “That's great!" the manager cried, "I thought we'd never get rid of that monstrosity! That had to be the ugliest suit we've ever had! But tell me. Why is your hand bandaged?" "Oh," the clerk replied, "after I sold the guy that suit, his guide dog bit me. __________________ When Reno Hightower was a prick he was the best damn quarterback in the history of Kern County.
Posts: 5,753

12-07-2007, 07:41 PM	#419
Bwana It's Five O'Clock Somewhere Join Date: Aug 2000 Location: Billings, Montana Casino cash: $2139283647	My Daddy Is A Dancer One day last week, a fourth-grade teacher asked the children what their fathers did for a living.All the typical answers came up: Fireman Mechanic Businessman Salesman Doctor Lawyer, and so forth. However, little Johnnie was being uncharacteristically quiet, so when the teacher prodded him about his father, he replied,' My father's an exotic dancer in a gay cabaret and takes off his clothes in front of other men and they put money in his underwear. Sometimes, if the offer is really good, he will go home with some guy and stay with him all night for money.' The teacher, obviously shaken by this statement, hurriedly set the other children to work on some math problems and then took little Johnnie aside to ask him, 'Is that really true about your father?' 'No,' the boy said,'He works for the Democratic National Committee and is helping to get Hillary Clinton elected as our next President, but I was too embarrassed to say that in front of the other kids.' __________________ Adventure is dangerous....but monotony can kill you.
Posts: 69,784

12-10-2007, 10:54 AM	#420
Rooster Draft a QB Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: JoCo Casino cash: $9961689	A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train. After the initial embarrassment they both go to sleep, the woman on the top bunk, the man on the lower. In the middle of the night the woman leans over and says, "I'm sorry to bother you, but I'm awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly pass me another blanket." The man leans out and with a glint in his eye says, "I've got a better idea, let's pretend we're married." "Why not?" giggles the woman. "Good," he replies, "get your own damn blanket!" __________________ When Reno Hightower was a prick he was the best damn quarterback in the history of Kern County.
Posts: 5,753