Funny Stuff Clean jokes can be funny too! - Page 26

Frankie · 05:17 PM

Or at least good for a chuckle. Here's something completely different (for this BB). This thread is dedicated to ONLY CLEAN JOKES. Please post any clean joke that you find funny or at least amusing. We will not call you "dorks." Not in this thread. Let's see what you've got,... and share them.

Don't worry about repeat jokes. Nobody has time to check all posts.

Rooster · 06-06-2007, 03:38 PM

Three guys are drinking in a bar when a drunk comes in, staggers up to them, and points at the guy in the middle, shouting, "Your mom’s the best lay in town!"

Everyone expects a fight, but the guy ignores him, and the drunk wanders off and bellies up to the bar at the far end. Ten minutes later, the drunk comes back, points at the same guy, and says, "I just screwed your mom, and it was swe-e-et!"

Again the guy refuses to take the bait, and the drunk wanders off. Ten minutes later, he comes back and announces, "Your mom even let me..."

Finally the guy interrupts. "Go home, Dad–you’re drunk!"

Rooster · 06-15-2007, 02:34 PM

A local bakery decided to hire a part-time counter person and ended up with a local co-ed who could work evenings and weekends. She had one eccentric characteristic (which was unknown when she was hired) -- she wore short skirts and no underwear. Needless to say, she was a real beauty and had a figure to die for.

The bakery had a small storefront so it was necessary to have the various products on shelves and use a ladder to reach the uppermost items. The item that was previously the least popular -- the raisin bread -- was quickly becoming the most popular with gentlemen. Conveniently enough, the raisin bread was kept on the highest shelf of all.

One day, an elderly gentleman came in and ordered a loaf of bread. The young lady, without thinking, scurried up the ladder and then realized she had not asked the gentleman what kind of bread he had wanted so she nodded and asked, "Raisin?"

"No," he replied, "but it's beginning to twitch just a little."

Rooster · 06-22-2007, 02:46 PM

Perfect Day for a Man

06:00 Alarm.
06:15 Bl*wj*b.
06:30 Massive dump while reading the sports section.
07:00 Breakfast. Filet Mignon, eggs, toast and coffee.
07:30 Limo arrives.
07:45 Bloody Mary en route to airport.
08:15 Private jet to Augusta, Georgia.
09:30 Limo to Augusta National Golf Club.
09:45 Play front nine, finish 2 under par.
11:45 Lunch. 2 dozen oysters on the half shell. 3 Heinekens.
12:15 Bl*wj*b.
12:30 Play back nine at Augusta, finish 4 under par.
14:15 Limo back to airport. Drink 2 Bombay martinis.
14:30 Private jet to Nassau, Bahamas. Nap.
15:15 Late afternoon fishing excursion with topless female crew.
16:30 Catch world record light tackle marlin - 1249 lbs.
17:00 Jet back home. En route, get massage from naked Playmate of your choice.
19:00 Watch CNN Newsflash. Bush resigns.
19:30 Dinner. Lobster appetizers, Dom Perignon, 20 0z. New York Strip.
21:00 Relax after dinner with 1789 Augler Cognac and Cuban cigar.
22:00 Have sex with two 18 year old nymphomaniacs.
23:00 Massage and jacuzzi.
23:45 Go to bed.
23:50 Let loose a 12 second, 4 octave fart. Watch the dog leave the room.
23:55 Laugh yourself to sleep.

Frankie · 08-09-2007, 11:55 AM

A stranger was seated next to a little girl on an airplane when the stranger turned to her and said "Let's talk, flights go quicker if you can strike up a conversation with your fellow passengers."

The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to the stranger, "What would you like to talk about?"

"Oh, I don't know", said the stranger. "How about nuclear power?"

"OK," she said. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat grass, the same stuff. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?"

The stranger thinks about it and says, "Hmmm, I have no idea."

To which the little girl replies, "Do you really feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit?"

**Mr. Flopnuts** · 08-09-2007, 12:08 PM

Has The Aristocrats been told in this thread yet?

Simplex3 · 08-09-2007, 01:26 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Rooster

Perfect Day for a Man

06:00 Alarm.
06:15 Bl*wj*b.
06:30 Massive dump while reading the sports section.
07:00 Breakfast. Filet Mignon, eggs, toast and coffee.
07:30 Limo arrives.
07:45 Bloody Mary en route to airport.
08:15 Private jet to Augusta, Georgia.
09:30 Limo to Augusta National Golf Club.
09:45 Play front nine, finish 2 under par.
11:45 Lunch. 2 dozen oysters on the half shell. 3 Heinekens.
12:15 Bl*wj*b.
12:30 Play back nine at Augusta, finish 4 under par.
14:15 Limo back to airport. Drink 2 Bombay martinis.
14:30 Private jet to Nassau, Bahamas. Nap.
15:15 Late afternoon fishing excursion with topless female crew.
16:30 Catch world record light tackle marlin - 1249 lbs.
17:00 Jet back home. En route, get massage from naked Playmate of your choice.
19:00 Watch CNN Newsflash. Bush resigns.
19:30 Dinner. Lobster appetizers, Dom Perignon, 20 0z. New York Strip.
21:00 Relax after dinner with 1789 Augler Cognac and Cuban cigar.
22:00 Have sex with two 18 year old nymphomaniacs.
23:00 Massage and jacuzzi.
23:45 Go to bed.
23:50 Let loose a 12 second, 4 octave fart. Watch the dog leave the room.
23:55 Laugh yourself to sleep.

Wow. What the hell is wrong with people that they can't even tell this old joke without throwing Bush into it?

PS, in my perfect day I don't hear/see/speak about govt in any form or fashion.

Frankie · 08-09-2007, 01:37 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Mr. Flopnuts

Has The Aristocrats been told in this thread yet?

If it fits the thread criteria don't worry about possible reposts. There are simply too many pages to check.

Simply Red · 08-24-2007, 11:54 AM

Two Jewish men, Sid and Al, were sitting in a Mexican restaurant. Sid asked
Al, 'Are there any people of our faith born and raised in Mexico?'

Al replied, 'I don't know. Let's ask our waiter.'

When the waiter came by, Al asked him, 'Are there any Mexican Jews?'

The waiter said, 'I don't know, senor. I'll ask the cooks.'
He returned from the kitchen in a few minutes and said, 'No, sir, no Mexican
Jews.'

Al wasn't really satisfied with that and asked, 'Are you absolutely sure?'

The waiter said, 'I'll will check again, senor' and went back into the
kitchen.

While the waiter was away, Sid said, 'I find it hard to believe that there
are no Jews in Mexico . Our people are scattered everywhere.'

The waiter returned and said, 'Senor, the head cook said there are no
Mexican Jews.'

'Are you certain?' Al asked once again. 'I can't believe there are no
Mexican Jews!'

'Senor, I ask EVERYONE,' replied the exasperated waiter. 'All we have is
Orange Jews, Prune Jews, Tomato Jews, and Grape Jews.'

Direckshun · 09-06-2007, 02:02 PM

So I'm lost once again in some stupid curly-cued neighborhood and I'm pissed off. I see an old man sitting in his driveway and I'm on my last nerve when I pull up to him.

"Hey, old-ass man. I'm trying to find Thompson Street. Tell me where it's at, you old bastard."

The guy hobbles up to his feet. "Hm, just one minute." Hobbles over to the car.

"I can help you out. You head out this way -- you listenin'? -- you head out this way. You take a left. Then you take another left. Then you take another left. And you take another left...

...and when you get back here, you ask me the right way."

Jilly · 09-06-2007, 02:04 PM

Why was the tomato red?

Ah hem...

He saw the salad dressing

Frankie · 09-19-2007, 07:52 AM

Due to a power outage, only one paramedic responded to the call. The house was very dark so the paramedic asked Kathleen , a 3-yr old girl to hold a flashlight high over her mommy so he could see while he helped deliver the baby. Very diligently, Kathleen did as she was asked.

Heidi pushed and pushed and after a little while, Connor was born. The paramedic lifted him by his little feet and spanked him on his bottom. Connor began to cry.

The paramedic then thanked Kathleen for her help and asked the wide-eyed 3-yr old what she thought about what she had just witnessed.

Kathleen quickly responded, "He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place......smack his ass again!"

munkey · 09-19-2007, 08:33 AM

Body: 1. HER DIARY

Tonight I thought he was acting weird. We had made

plans to meet at a bar to have a drink. I was shopping

with my friends all day long, so I thought he was

upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made

no comment. Conversation wasn't flowing so I suggested

that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed

but he kept quiet and absent. I asked him what was

wrong; he said nothing. I asked him if it was my fault

that he was upset. He said it had nothing to do with

me and not to worry. On the way home I told him that I

loved him, he simply smiled and kept driving. I can't

explain his behavior. I don't know why he didn't say I

love you too. When we got home I felt as if I had lost

him, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He

just sat there and watched T.V. He seemed distant and

absent. Finally, I decided to go to bed. About 10

minutes later he came to bed, and to my surprise he

responded to my caress and we made love, but I still

felt that he was distracted and his thoughts were

somewhere else. He fell asleep - I cried. I don't know

what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with

someone else. My life is a disaster.

2. HIS DIARY

I didn't catch any fish today, but at least I got laid.

Extra Point · 09-19-2007, 10:48 AM

Rev. Billy Graham was returning to Charlotte after a speaking engagement. When his plane arrived, there was a limousine there to transport him home. As he prepared to get into the limo, he stopped and spoke to the driver.

"You know," he said, "I am 87 years old and I have never driven a limousine. Would you mind if I drove it for a while?"

The driver said, "No problem. Have at it."

Rev. Graham eagerly got in the driver's seat, then they headed off down the highway. A short distance away sat a rookie State Trooper operating his first speed trap, who clocks the limo doing 70 in a 55 mph zone. He flipped on the red lights, and pulled over the limo.

The young trooper walked up to the driver's door and when the glass was rolled down, he was surprised to see who was driving. He nervously walked back to his car, got in, and radioed his supervisor:

"Sir, I know we are supposed to enforce the law, but I also know that certain important people are given, uh, certain courtesies. I need to know what I should do, because I have stopped a very important person.'

"Is it the governor?"

"No, he's more important than that."

"Oh, so it's the president!"

"No! Even more important than that! It's Jesus! He's got Billy Graham for a chauffeur!"

Frankie · 09-21-2007, 12:27 PM

A Mormon was seated next to an Irishman on a flight from London. After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The Irishman asked for a whiskey, which was promptly brought and placed before him.

The flight attendant then asked the Mormon if he would like a drink. He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips."

The Irishman then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me, too, I didn't know we had a choice."

mikey23545 · 09-21-2007, 01:14 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Rooster

Perfect Day for a Man

06:00 Alarm.
06:15 Bl*wj*b.
06:30 Massive dump while reading the sports section.
07:00 Breakfast. Filet Mignon, eggs, toast and coffee.
07:30 Limo arrives.
07:45 Bloody Mary en route to airport.
08:15 Private jet to Augusta, Georgia.
09:30 Limo to Augusta National Golf Club.
09:45 Play front nine, finish 2 under par.
11:45 Lunch. 2 dozen oysters on the half shell. 3 Heinekens.
12:15 Bl*wj*b.
12:30 Play back nine at Augusta, finish 4 under par.
14:15 Limo back to airport. Drink 2 Bombay martinis.
14:30 Private jet to Nassau, Bahamas. Nap.
15:15 Late afternoon fishing excursion with topless female crew.
16:30 Catch world record light tackle marlin - 1249 lbs.
17:00 Jet back home. En route, get massage from naked Playmate of your choice.
19:00 Watch CNN Newsflash. Hillary shoots her husband, then commits suicide.
19:30 Dinner. Lobster appetizers, Dom Perignon, 20 0z. New York Strip.
21:00 Relax after dinner with 1789 Augler Cognac and Cuban cigar.
22:00 Have sex with two 18 year old nymphomaniacs.
23:00 Massage and jacuzzi.
23:45 Go to bed.
23:50 Let loose a 12 second, 4 octave fart. Watch the dog leave the room.
23:55 Laugh yourself to sleep.

FYP

09-25-2005, 09:00 AM
Frankie Banned Join Date: Jul 2001 Casino cash: $10004900	Clean jokes can be funny too! Or at least good for a chuckle. Here's something completely different (for this BB). This thread is dedicated to ONLY CLEAN JOKES. Please post any clean joke that you find funny or at least amusing. We will not call you "dorks." Not in this thread. Let's see what you've got,... and share them. Don't worry about repeat jokes. Nobody has time to check all posts. Last edited by Frankie; 07-10-2011 at 05:17 PM..
Posts: 26,959

06-06-2007, 03:38 PM	#376
Rooster Draft a QB Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: JoCo Casino cash: $9961689	Three guys are drinking in a bar when a drunk comes in, staggers up to them, and points at the guy in the middle, shouting, "Your mom’s the best lay in town!" Everyone expects a fight, but the guy ignores him, and the drunk wanders off and bellies up to the bar at the far end. Ten minutes later, the drunk comes back, points at the same guy, and says, "I just screwed your mom, and it was swe-e-et!" Again the guy refuses to take the bait, and the drunk wanders off. Ten minutes later, he comes back and announces, "Your mom even let me..." Finally the guy interrupts. "Go home, Dad–you’re drunk!" __________________ When Reno Hightower was a prick he was the best damn quarterback in the history of Kern County.
Posts: 5,753

06-15-2007, 02:34 PM	#377
Rooster Draft a QB Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: JoCo Casino cash: $9961689	A local bakery decided to hire a part-time counter person and ended up with a local co-ed who could work evenings and weekends. She had one eccentric characteristic (which was unknown when she was hired) -- she wore short skirts and no underwear. Needless to say, she was a real beauty and had a figure to die for. The bakery had a small storefront so it was necessary to have the various products on shelves and use a ladder to reach the uppermost items. The item that was previously the least popular -- the raisin bread -- was quickly becoming the most popular with gentlemen. Conveniently enough, the raisin bread was kept on the highest shelf of all. One day, an elderly gentleman came in and ordered a loaf of bread. The young lady, without thinking, scurried up the ladder and then realized she had not asked the gentleman what kind of bread he had wanted so she nodded and asked, "Raisin?" "No," he replied, "but it's beginning to twitch just a little." __________________ When Reno Hightower was a prick he was the best damn quarterback in the history of Kern County.
Posts: 5,753

06-22-2007, 02:46 PM	#378
Rooster Draft a QB Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: JoCo Casino cash: $9961689	Perfect Day for a Man 06:00 Alarm. 06:15 Blwjb. 06:30 Massive dump while reading the sports section. 07:00 Breakfast. Filet Mignon, eggs, toast and coffee. 07:30 Limo arrives. 07:45 Bloody Mary en route to airport. 08:15 Private jet to Augusta, Georgia. 09:30 Limo to Augusta National Golf Club. 09:45 Play front nine, finish 2 under par. 11:45 Lunch. 2 dozen oysters on the half shell. 3 Heinekens. 12:15 Blwjb. 12:30 Play back nine at Augusta, finish 4 under par. 14:15 Limo back to airport. Drink 2 Bombay martinis. 14:30 Private jet to Nassau, Bahamas. Nap. 15:15 Late afternoon fishing excursion with topless female crew. 16:30 Catch world record light tackle marlin - 1249 lbs. 17:00 Jet back home. En route, get massage from naked Playmate of your choice. 19:00 Watch CNN Newsflash. Bush resigns. 19:30 Dinner. Lobster appetizers, Dom Perignon, 20 0z. New York Strip. 21:00 Relax after dinner with 1789 Augler Cognac and Cuban cigar. 22:00 Have sex with two 18 year old nymphomaniacs. 23:00 Massage and jacuzzi. 23:45 Go to bed. 23:50 Let loose a 12 second, 4 octave fart. Watch the dog leave the room. 23:55 Laugh yourself to sleep. __________________ When Reno Hightower was a prick he was the best damn quarterback in the history of Kern County.
Posts: 5,753

08-09-2007, 11:55 AM	#379
Frankie Banned Join Date: Jul 2001 Casino cash: $10004900	A stranger was seated next to a little girl on an airplane when the stranger turned to her and said "Let's talk, flights go quicker if you can strike up a conversation with your fellow passengers." The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to the stranger, "What would you like to talk about?" "Oh, I don't know", said the stranger. "How about nuclear power?" "OK," she said. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat grass, the same stuff. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?" The stranger thinks about it and says, "Hmmm, I have no idea." To which the little girl replies, "Do you really feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit?"
Posts: 26,959

08-24-2007, 11:54 AM	#383
Simply Red You Sweetie! Join Date: Sep 2005 Casino cash: $2021206219 VARSITY	Two Jewish men, Sid and Al, were sitting in a Mexican restaurant. Sid asked Al, 'Are there any people of our faith born and raised in Mexico?' Al replied, 'I don't know. Let's ask our waiter.' When the waiter came by, Al asked him, 'Are there any Mexican Jews?' The waiter said, 'I don't know, senor. I'll ask the cooks.' He returned from the kitchen in a few minutes and said, 'No, sir, no Mexican Jews.' Al wasn't really satisfied with that and asked, 'Are you absolutely sure?' The waiter said, 'I'll will check again, senor' and went back into the kitchen. While the waiter was away, Sid said, 'I find it hard to believe that there are no Jews in Mexico . Our people are scattered everywhere.' The waiter returned and said, 'Senor, the head cook said there are no Mexican Jews.' 'Are you certain?' Al asked once again. 'I can't believe there are no Mexican Jews!' 'Senor, I ask EVERYONE,' replied the exasperated waiter. 'All we have is Orange Jews, Prune Jews, Tomato Jews, and Grape Jews.'
Posts: 71,691

09-06-2007, 02:02 PM	#384
Direckshun __ Join Date: Oct 2006 Location: Springpatch Casino cash: $4183447	So I'm lost once again in some stupid curly-cued neighborhood and I'm pissed off. I see an old man sitting in his driveway and I'm on my last nerve when I pull up to him. "Hey, old-ass man. I'm trying to find Thompson Street. Tell me where it's at, you old bastard." The guy hobbles up to his feet. "Hm, just one minute." Hobbles over to the car. "I can help you out. You head out this way -- you listenin'? -- you head out this way. You take a left. Then you take another left. Then you take another left. And you take another left... ...and when you get back here, you ask me the right way."
Posts: 59,314

09-06-2007, 02:04 PM	#385
Jilly MVP Join Date: Nov 2005 Location: Lee's Summit Casino cash: $10004925	Why was the tomato red? Ah hem... He saw the salad dressing __________________ "In most of our human relationships, we spend much of our time reassuring one another that our costumes of identity are on straight." — Ram Dass
Posts: 8,461

09-19-2007, 07:52 AM	#386
Frankie Banned Join Date: Jul 2001 Casino cash: $10004900	Due to a power outage, only one paramedic responded to the call. The house was very dark so the paramedic asked Kathleen , a 3-yr old girl to hold a flashlight high over her mommy so he could see while he helped deliver the baby. Very diligently, Kathleen did as she was asked. Heidi pushed and pushed and after a little while, Connor was born. The paramedic lifted him by his little feet and spanked him on his bottom. Connor began to cry. The paramedic then thanked Kathleen for her help and asked the wide-eyed 3-yr old what she thought about what she had just witnessed. Kathleen quickly responded, "He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place......smack his ass again!"
Posts: 26,959

09-19-2007, 08:33 AM	#387
munkey Veteran Join Date: Aug 2001 Location: Bend Oregon Casino cash: $10007596	Body: 1. HER DIARY Tonight I thought he was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a bar to have a drink. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment. Conversation wasn't flowing so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed but he kept quiet and absent. I asked him what was wrong; he said nothing. I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said it had nothing to do with me and not to worry. On the way home I told him that I loved him, he simply smiled and kept driving. I can't explain his behavior. I don't know why he didn't say I love you too. When we got home I felt as if I had lost him, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there and watched T.V. He seemed distant and absent. Finally, I decided to go to bed. About 10 minutes later he came to bed, and to my surprise he responded to my caress and we made love, but I still felt that he was distracted and his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep - I cried. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster. 2. HIS DIARY I didn't catch any fish today, but at least I got laid. __________________ "In the time of chimpanzees I was a munkey"
Posts: 3,140

09-19-2007, 10:48 AM	#388
Extra Point MVP Join Date: Sep 2005 Location: Prairie Village, KS Casino cash: $10004900	Rev. Billy Graham was returning to Charlotte after a speaking engagement. When his plane arrived, there was a limousine there to transport him home. As he prepared to get into the limo, he stopped and spoke to the driver. "You know," he said, "I am 87 years old and I have never driven a limousine. Would you mind if I drove it for a while?" The driver said, "No problem. Have at it." Rev. Graham eagerly got in the driver's seat, then they headed off down the highway. A short distance away sat a rookie State Trooper operating his first speed trap, who clocks the limo doing 70 in a 55 mph zone. He flipped on the red lights, and pulled over the limo. The young trooper walked up to the driver's door and when the glass was rolled down, he was surprised to see who was driving. He nervously walked back to his car, got in, and radioed his supervisor: "Sir, I know we are supposed to enforce the law, but I also know that certain important people are given, uh, certain courtesies. I need to know what I should do, because I have stopped a very important person.' "Is it the governor?" "No, he's more important than that." "Oh, so it's the president!" "No! Even more important than that! It's Jesus! He's got Billy Graham for a chauffeur!"
Posts: 7,845

09-21-2007, 12:27 PM	#389
Frankie Banned Join Date: Jul 2001 Casino cash: $10004900	A Mormon was seated next to an Irishman on a flight from London. After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The Irishman asked for a whiskey, which was promptly brought and placed before him. The flight attendant then asked the Mormon if he would like a drink. He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips." The Irishman then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me, too, I didn't know we had a choice."
Posts: 26,959