Clean jokes can be funny too!

[Frankie]

Or at least good for a chuckle. Here's something completely different (for this BB). This thread is dedicated to ONLY CLEAN JOKES. Please post any clean joke that you find funny or at least amusing. We will not call you "dorks." Not in this thread. Let's see what you've got,... and share them.

Don't worry about repeat jokes. Nobody has time to check all posts.

[Rooster]

A very successful lawyer parked his brand-new Lexus in front of his office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he got out, a truck passed too closely and completely tore off the door on the driver's side.

The lawyer immediately grabbed his cell phone, dialed 911, and within minutes a policeman pulled up.

Before the officer had a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer started screaming hysterically that his Lexus, which he had just picked up the day before, was now completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter what the body shop did to it.

When the lawyer finally wound down from his ranting and raving, the officer shook his head in disgust and disbelief.

"I can't believe how materialistic you lawyers are," he said. "You are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice anything else."

"How can you say such a thing?" asked the lawyer.

The cop replied, "Don't you know that your left arm is missing from the elbow down? It must have been torn off when the truck hit you."

"My God!" screamed the lawyer. "Where's my Rolex?"

[greg63]

Originally Posted by Rooster

A very successful lawyer parked his brand-new Lexus in front of his office, ready to show it off to his colleagues...

[afchiefs]

A man walks into a bar and screams,
"All Lawyers are Assholes"
a big guy at the end of the bar stands up and says
" I resent that remark"
the man says
"Why are you a lawyer?"
and the big guy replies

"No I'm an Asshole"


By state law all lawyers must be buried 15' deep!
Because deep down their good people.

[Frankie]

Last night, my wife and I were sitting in the living room and I said to her,

"I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."

She got up, unplugged the TV and then threw out my beer.

[Oregon chief]

This guy takes a woman home from the bar for a one night stand and when they get to his house they quickly get naked. She takes one look at his penis and starts laughing. She says "who do you expect to get off with that little thing?" The man replies "Me!"

[Frankie]

An elderly couple in their 80's were about to get married.

She said, I want to keep my house.
He said, That's fine with me.

She said, And I want to keep my Cadillac.
He said, That's fine with me.

She said, And I want to have sex 6 times a week.
He said, That's fine with me. Put me down for Fridays.

[Frankie]

GOD met Putin, Bush & Blair.
God said "I can grant each one of you a wish."
Putin said "I would like you to drop a nuclear bomb on America".
Bush said "I would like you to drop a nuclear bomb on Russia".
"And what would you like Tony?" God asked.
"I am still thinking", Blair replied, "Just serve the other two gentlemen first."

[Rooster]

Two boys are playing football in Central Park when one is attacked by a rabid rottweiler. Thinking quickly, the other boy rips a board off of a nearby fence, wedges it down the dog's collar and twists, breaking the dog's neck.

A reporter strolling by sees the incident, and rushes over to interview the boy.

"Young Giants fan saves friend from vicious animal," he writes in his notebook.

"But I'm not a Giants fan," the little hero replies.

"Sorry, since we are in New York, I just assumed you were," says the reporter.

"Little Jets fan rescues friend from horrific attack," he writes in his notebook.

"I'm not a Jets fan either," the boy says.

"I assumed everyone in New York was either for the Giants or Jets. What team do you root for?" the reporter asks.

"I'm a Cowboys fan," the child says.

The reporter starts a new sheet in his notebook and writes, "Little redneck maniac kills beloved family pet."

[Frankie]

Ralph returns from the doctor and tells his wife that the doctor has told him he has only 24 hours to live. Given this prognosis, Ralph asks his wife for sex. Naturally, she agrees, and they make love.

About six hours later, the husband goes to his wife and says, "Honey, you know I now have only 18 hours to live. Could we please do it one more time?"

Of course, the wife agrees and they do it again.
Later, as the man gets into bed, he looks at his watch and realizes he now has only 8 hours left.
He touches his wife's shoulder and asks, "Honey, please... just one more time before I die ?" she says, "Of course, dear."
And they make love for the third time. After this session, the wife rolls over & falls asleep.

Ralph, however, worried about his impending death, tosses & turns until he's down to 4 more hours. He taps his wife, who rouses. "Honey, I have only 4 more hours. Do you think we could.....?"

At this point the wife sits up, as wives do, and says, "Listen Ralph, I have to get up in the morning .... you don't."

[Rooster]

A Jewish lawyer was troubled by the way his son turned out and went to see his Rabbi about it. "I brought him up in the faith, gave him a very expensive bar mitzvah, it cost me a fortune to educate him. Then he tells me last week he has decided to be a Christian. Rabbi... where did I go wrong?"

"Funny you should come to me," said the Rabbi. "Like you, I, too, brought my boy up in the faith, put him through university, it cost me a fortune, then one day he comes and tells me he has decided to become a Christian."

"What did you do?" asked the lawyer. "I turned to God for the answer," replied the Rabbi.

"And what did he say?"

He said, "Funny you should come to me..."

[Rooster]

A couple that was married for 20 years always made love with the lights off.

Well, after 20 years, the wife felt this was ridiculous. She figured she would break him out of this crazy habit.

So one night, while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming, romantic session, she turned the lights on.

She looked down... and saw that her husband was holding a battery-operated pleasure device -- a vibrator -- softer and larger than a real penis.

She went completely ballistic. "You impotent bastard," she screamed at him, "how could you be lying to me all of these years? You better explain yourself!"

The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly:

"I'll explain the toy... if you explain the kids."

[Chief Henry]

What do you call a Pig that knows karate ?

A pork Chop...

[ROYC75]

A Farmer Is Always Right

A cocky Department of Agriculture representative stopped at a farm
and talked with an old farmer. He told the farmer, "I need to inspect
your farm." The old farmer said "OK, but don't go in that field right
over yonder."

The Agriculture representative said, "Mr. I have the authority of
the U. S.Government with me. See this card? This card means I am allowed to go WHEREVER I wish on any agricultural land....no questions asked or answered. Do you understand?"

The farmer nodded politely and went about his farm chores. Later, he
heard loud screams and saw the Department of Agriculture Rep running
for the fence and close behind was the farmer's huge-horned prize
bull. The bull was madder than a nest full of hornets. The bull was
gaining on the Rep at every step.

The Old farmer called out, "Show him your card!! Show him your card!!"

[Rooster]

An out-of-towner accidentally drives his car into a deep ditch on the side of a country road. Luckily, a farmer passed by with his big old horse named Benny.

The man asked for help. The farmer said that Benny could pull his car out, so he backed the horse up and hitched it to the man's car bumper.

Then he yelled, "Pull, Nellie, pull!"

Benny didn't move.

Then he yelled, "Come on, pull Ranger."

Still, Benny didn't move.

Then he yelled really loud, "Now pull, Fred, pull hard."

Benny just stood.

Then the farmer nonchalantly said, "Okay, Benny, pull."

Benny pulled the car out of the ditch.

The man was very appreciative but curious. He asked the farmer why he called his horse by the wrong name three times.

The farmer said, "Oh, Benny is blind, and if he thought he was the only one pulling he wouldn't even try."

[jidar]

this thread is proof that jokes need to be dirty