Funny Stuff Clean jokes can be funny too! - Page 23

Frankie · 05:17 PM

Or at least good for a chuckle. Here's something completely different (for this BB). This thread is dedicated to ONLY CLEAN JOKES. Please post any clean joke that you find funny or at least amusing. We will not call you "dorks." Not in this thread. Let's see what you've got,... and share them.

Don't worry about repeat jokes. Nobody has time to check all posts.

DMAC · 02-01-2007, 05:31 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Fairplay

The joke was on that radio station yesterday. By coincidence im sure.

Perhaps the email I got was started by someone who heard the show.

What a coincidence!

Frankie · 02-02-2007, 09:56 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Oregon chief

Q: Whats the smartest thing ever to come out of a woman's mouth?

A: Einstein's dick

Though witty, may I refer you to the thread starter and topic? With emphasis on the word "CLEAN" as the main criteria here. There is another thread that this joke shold have been posted on.

King_Chief_Fan · 02-02-2007, 10:57 AM

Top 10 Caddy responses
>
># 10 -- Golfer: "Think I'm going to drown myself in the lake." Caddy:
>"Think you can keep your head down that long?"
>
># 9 -- Golfer: "I'd move heaven and earth to break 100 on this course."
>Caddy: "Try heaven, you've already moved most of the earth."
>
># 8 -- Golfer: "Do you think my game is improving?" Caddy: "Yes sir, you
>miss the ball much closer now."
>
># 7 -- Golfer: "Do you think I can get there with a 5 iron?" Caddy:
>"Eventually."
>
># 6 -- Golfer: "You've got to be the worst caddy in the world." Caddy: "I
>don't think so sir. That would be too much of a coincidence."
>
># 5 -- Golfer: "Please stop checking your watch all the time. It's too much
>of a distraction." Caddy: "It's not a watch - it's a compass."
>
># 4 -- Golfer: "How do you like my game ?" Caddy: "Very good sir, but
>personally, I prefer golf."
>
># 3 -- Golfer: "Do you think it's a sin to play on Sunday?" Caddy: "The way
>you play, sir, it's a sin on any day."
>
># 2 -- Golfer: "This is the worst course I've ever played on." Caddy: "This
>isn't the golf course. We left that an hour ago."
>
>And the # 1 Best Caddy Comment.....
>
>Golfer: "That can't be my ball, it's too old." Caddy: "It's been a long
>time since we teed off, sir
>

Rooster · 02-02-2007, 11:17 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by King_Chief_Fan

# 6 -- Golfer: "You've got to be the worst caddy in the world." Caddy: "I don't think so sir. That would be too much of a coincidence."

This one is my favorite.

**Lzen** · 02-02-2007, 11:27 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Oregon chief

Q: Whats the smartest thing ever to come out of a woman's mouth?

A: Einstein's dick

Somehow I don't think that falls under the category of clean jokes. I laughed, though.

Rooster · 02-14-2007, 02:01 PM

A guy walks into a post office one day and sees a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying the scent all over them.

His curiosity getting the better of him, he approaches the balding man and asks him what he's doing. The man says, "I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, 'Guess who?'"

"But why?" asks the man.

"I'm a divorce lawyer," the man replies.

Frankie · 02-16-2007, 09:41 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Rooster

A guy walks into a post office one day and sees a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying the scent all over them.

His curiosity getting the better of him, he approaches the balding man and asks him what he's doing. The man says, "I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, 'Guess who?'"

"But why?" asks the man.

"I'm a divorce lawyer," the man replies.

rtuimauga · 02-16-2007, 10:35 AM

A MANS HEADACHE

The doctor said, "Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the pressure creates an awful headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."

Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He had no choice but to go under the knife.

When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.

He saw a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need... a new suit." He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit."

The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see... size 44 long."

Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you k now?"
"Been in the business 60 years!" the tailor said.

Joe tried on the suit, it fit perfectly. As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?"

Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure."

The salesman eyed Joe and said, "Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck."

Joe was surprised, "Tha t' s right, how did you know?"
"Been in the business 60 years."

Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly. Joe walked comfortably around the shop, and the salesman asked, "How about some new underwear?"
Joe thought for a moment and said, "Sure."
The salesman said, "Let's see... size 36."
Joe laughed, "Ah ha! I got you, I've worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old."

The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you a terrible headache."

New suit - $400
New shirt - $36
New underwear - $6
Second Opinion - PRICELESS

Rooster · 02-20-2007, 09:51 AM

One day, there was a catastrophic event that caused all living creatures on Earth to die. To sort things out, everyone went to heaven.

God came and said, "I want the men to form two lines. One line for the men who ruled their women on Earth and the other line for the men who were ruled by their women. Also, I want all the women to go with St. Peter." With that said and done, the next time God looked, the women were gone and there were two lines.

The line of men who were ruled by their women was 1,000 miles long, and in the line of men who ruled their women, there was only one man. God became angry and said, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves. I created you in my image and you were all whipped by your mates. Look at the only one of my sons who stood up and made me proud. Learn from him! Tell them, my son, how did you manage to be the only one in this line?"

The man replied, "I don't know, my wife told me to stand here."

Ecto-I · 02-20-2007, 10:20 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Rooster

One day, there was a catastrophic event that caused all living creatures on Earth to die. To sort things out, everyone went to heaven.

God came and said, "I want the men to form two lines. One line for the men who ruled their women on Earth and the other line for the men who were ruled by their women. Also, I want all the women to go with St. Peter." With that said and done, the next time God looked, the women were gone and there were two lines.

The line of men who were ruled by their women was 1,000 miles long, and in the line of men who ruled their women, there was only one man. God became angry and said, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves. I created you in my image and you were all whipped by your mates. Look at the only one of my sons who stood up and made me proud. Learn from him! Tell them, my son, how did you manage to be the only one in this line?"

The man replied, "I don't know, my wife told me to stand here."

Lono · 02-20-2007, 10:45 AM

A boy decided to have a dinner with his girlfriend parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time.
Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. The pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex.
At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.
That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!"
The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head.
A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down. 10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious."
The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist."

Rooster · 02-23-2007, 09:09 AM

A mother, father and young son are visiting the circus. When the elephants walk out onto the circus ring, the little boy asks his mother, "What's that?"

"That's the elephant's tail," she replies.

"No, under the tail," says the youngster.

The mother is clearly embarrassed and says, "Oh, nothing."

The boy turns to his father and repeats the same question. His father looks and says, "That's the elephant's penis, son."

"So why did mum say it was nothing?" asks the boy.

The father draws himself up to his full height and says, "Son, I've spoiled that woman."

Rooster · 02-28-2007, 09:47 AM

Yesterday, scientists for the FDA suggested that men should take a look at their beer consumption, considering the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer. The theory is that drinking beer makes men turn into women.

To test the finding, 100 men were fed 6 pints of beer each. It was then observed that 100% of the men gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became overly emotional, couldn't drive, failed to think rationally, argued over nothing, and refused to apologize when wrong.

No further testing is planned.

bluehawkdoc · 02-28-2007, 03:13 PM

The Awful Truth

**Dave Lane** · 02-28-2007, 03:53 PM

A young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her
body hurt wherever she touched it.
"Impossible!" says the doctor. "Show me."
The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left breast and screamed,
then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee and
screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she
touched made her scream.
The doctor said, "You're not really a redhead, are you?
"Well, no" she said, "I'm actually a blonde."
"I thought so," the doctor said. "Your finger is broken."

09-25-2005, 09:00 AM
Frankie Banned Join Date: Jul 2001 Casino cash: $10004900	Clean jokes can be funny too! Or at least good for a chuckle. Here's something completely different (for this BB). This thread is dedicated to ONLY CLEAN JOKES. Please post any clean joke that you find funny or at least amusing. We will not call you "dorks." Not in this thread. Let's see what you've got,... and share them. Don't worry about repeat jokes. Nobody has time to check all posts. Last edited by Frankie; 07-10-2011 at 05:17 PM..
Posts: 26,959

02-02-2007, 10:57 AM	#333
King_Chief_Fan Praise Him Join Date: Aug 2000 Location: none ya Casino cash: $5835486	Top 10 Caddy responses > ># 10 -- Golfer: "Think I'm going to drown myself in the lake." Caddy: >"Think you can keep your head down that long?" > ># 9 -- Golfer: "I'd move heaven and earth to break 100 on this course." >Caddy: "Try heaven, you've already moved most of the earth." > ># 8 -- Golfer: "Do you think my game is improving?" Caddy: "Yes sir, you >miss the ball much closer now." > ># 7 -- Golfer: "Do you think I can get there with a 5 iron?" Caddy: >"Eventually." > ># 6 -- Golfer: "You've got to be the worst caddy in the world." Caddy: "I >don't think so sir. That would be too much of a coincidence." > ># 5 -- Golfer: "Please stop checking your watch all the time. It's too much >of a distraction." Caddy: "It's not a watch - it's a compass." > ># 4 -- Golfer: "How do you like my game ?" Caddy: "Very good sir, but >personally, I prefer golf." > ># 3 -- Golfer: "Do you think it's a sin to play on Sunday?" Caddy: "The way >you play, sir, it's a sin on any day." > ># 2 -- Golfer: "This is the worst course I've ever played on." Caddy: "This >isn't the golf course. We left that an hour ago." > >And the # 1 Best Caddy Comment..... > >Golfer: "That can't be my ball, it's too old." Caddy: "It's been a long >time since we teed off, sir > __________________ No Jesus No Peace Know Jesus Know Peace Ephesians 2:8-10 English Standard Version (ESV) 8 For by grace you have been saved through faith. And this is not your own doing; it is the gift of God, 9 not a result of works, so that no one may boast. 10 For we are his workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand, that we should walk in them.
Posts: 12,181

02-14-2007, 02:01 PM	#336
Rooster Draft a QB Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: JoCo Casino cash: $9961689	Valentine Special A guy walks into a post office one day and sees a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying the scent all over them. His curiosity getting the better of him, he approaches the balding man and asks him what he's doing. The man says, "I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, 'Guess who?'" "But why?" asks the man. "I'm a divorce lawyer," the man replies. __________________ When Reno Hightower was a prick he was the best damn quarterback in the history of Kern County.
Posts: 5,753

02-16-2007, 10:35 AM	#338
rtuimauga Starter Join Date: Aug 2006 Casino cash: $9224925	A MANS HEADACHE The doctor said, "Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the pressure creates an awful headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles." Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He had no choice but to go under the knife. When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life. He saw a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need... a new suit." He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit." The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see... size 44 long." Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you k now?" "Been in the business 60 years!" the tailor said. Joe tried on the suit, it fit perfectly. As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?" Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure." The salesman eyed Joe and said, "Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck." Joe was surprised, "Tha t' s right, how did you know?" "Been in the business 60 years." Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly. Joe walked comfortably around the shop, and the salesman asked, "How about some new underwear?" Joe thought for a moment and said, "Sure." The salesman said, "Let's see... size 36." Joe laughed, "Ah ha! I got you, I've worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old." The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you a terrible headache." New suit - $400 New shirt - $36 New underwear - $6 Second Opinion - PRICELESS
Posts: 42

02-20-2007, 09:51 AM	#339
Rooster Draft a QB Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: JoCo Casino cash: $9961689	One day, there was a catastrophic event that caused all living creatures on Earth to die. To sort things out, everyone went to heaven. God came and said, "I want the men to form two lines. One line for the men who ruled their women on Earth and the other line for the men who were ruled by their women. Also, I want all the women to go with St. Peter." With that said and done, the next time God looked, the women were gone and there were two lines. The line of men who were ruled by their women was 1,000 miles long, and in the line of men who ruled their women, there was only one man. God became angry and said, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves. I created you in my image and you were all whipped by your mates. Look at the only one of my sons who stood up and made me proud. Learn from him! Tell them, my son, how did you manage to be the only one in this line?" The man replied, "I don't know, my wife told me to stand here." __________________ When Reno Hightower was a prick he was the best damn quarterback in the history of Kern County.
Posts: 5,753

02-20-2007, 10:45 AM	#341
Lono Starter Join Date: Mar 2005 Location: Mo Casino cash: $9933836	A boy decided to have a dinner with his girlfriend parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time. Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. The pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex. At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all. That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!" The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down. 10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious." The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist."
Posts: 811

02-23-2007, 09:09 AM	#342
Rooster Draft a QB Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: JoCo Casino cash: $9961689	A mother, father and young son are visiting the circus. When the elephants walk out onto the circus ring, the little boy asks his mother, "What's that?" "That's the elephant's tail," she replies. "No, under the tail," says the youngster. The mother is clearly embarrassed and says, "Oh, nothing." The boy turns to his father and repeats the same question. His father looks and says, "That's the elephant's penis, son." "So why did mum say it was nothing?" asks the boy. The father draws himself up to his full height and says, "Son, I've spoiled that woman." __________________ When Reno Hightower was a prick he was the best damn quarterback in the history of Kern County.
Posts: 5,753

02-28-2007, 09:47 AM	#343
Rooster Draft a QB Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: JoCo Casino cash: $9961689	FDA Testing Yesterday, scientists for the FDA suggested that men should take a look at their beer consumption, considering the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer. The theory is that drinking beer makes men turn into women. To test the finding, 100 men were fed 6 pints of beer each. It was then observed that 100% of the men gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became overly emotional, couldn't drive, failed to think rationally, argued over nothing, and refused to apologize when wrong. No further testing is planned. __________________ When Reno Hightower was a prick he was the best damn quarterback in the history of Kern County.
Posts: 5,753

02-28-2007, 03:13 PM	#344
bluehawkdoc Starter Join Date: May 2006 Location: Kansas Casino cash: $6127130	The Awful Truth Attached Thumbnails
Posts: 600

02-28-2007, 03:53 PM	#345
Dave Lane Space Cadet and Aczabel Join Date: Aug 2000 Location: Kanab, UT, USA Casino cash: $9333275 VARSITY	A young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it. "Impossible!" says the doctor. "Show me." The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left breast and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream. The doctor said, "You're not really a redhead, are you? "Well, no" she said, "I'm actually a blonde." "I thought so," the doctor said. "Your finger is broken." __________________ Thanks, Trump for the civics lesson. We are learning so much about RICO, espionage, sedition, impeachment, the 25th Amendment, order of succession, nepotism, separation of powers, 1st Amendment, obstruction of justice, the emoluments clause, conflicts of interest, collusion, sanctions, oligarchs, money laundering and so much more.
Posts: 40,584