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10-17-2006, 05:31 AM | #271 | |
Homer go crazy!!!
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10-17-2006, 06:14 AM | #272 |
pie is never free
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LOL.....theres some gooduns here. Some of the funniest stuff ever is clean, a favorite example i always use is the celebrity roasts. Now i always get chuckles from the new ones but they cant hold a candle to the old Dean Martin roasts for old fashioned, clean (comparatively) giggles. They just had so much class back then and could make you laugh just as hard without all the vulgarity and mean spirited stuff. Clean funny is a lost art......sign o' the times.
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10-17-2006, 06:29 AM | #273 | |
Homer go crazy!!!
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Location: SE Kansas
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Quote:
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10-17-2006, 08:36 AM | #274 | |
Banned
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Quote:
"Clean" joke,...huh? |
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10-17-2006, 05:55 PM | #275 |
A certain set of skills
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Three guys go to heaven. God asks the first guy how many times he's cheated on his wife. The first guy replies that he's only cheated on his wife five times. God says "not bad, you get to drive a yugo." So the guy got in his new car and drove off. The second guy was asked the same question, and replied that he only cheated on his wife once. God replied: "Good, you'll get to drive this luxury sedan." The third guy was asked the same question and replied: "I've never cheated on my wife at all. For my entire life, I have been faithful to only one woman." God replied: "Great, you have lived a pure life. You get to drive this Jaguar.
A while later, the three guys met up and noticed the guy in the Jaguar was bawling like a baby. The first guy replied "hey, why are you crying? You're driving around in a Jaguar after all." The guy in the Jaguar responded: "I just saw my wife... and she was riding a skateboard." |
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10-19-2006, 12:45 AM | #276 |
Shaken. Not stirred.
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A man was walking home alone late one foggy night,
when behind him he hears: ! BUMP... BUMP... BUMP... Walking faster, he looks back and through the fog h e makes out the image of an upright casket banging its way down the middle of the street toward him. BUMP... BUMP... BUMP... Terrified, the man begins to run toward his home, the casket bouncing quickly behind him FASTER... FASTER... BUMP... BUMP... BUMP... He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes in, slams and locks the door behind him. However, the casket crashes through his door, with the lid of the casket clapping clappity-BUMP... clappity-BUMP... clappity-BUMP... on his heels, the terrified man runs. Rushing upstairs to the bathroom, the man locks himself in. His heart is pounding; his head is reeling; his breath is coming in sobbing gasps. With a loud CRASH the casket breaks down the door. Bumping and clapping toward him. The man screams and reaches for something, anything, but all he can find is a bottle of cough syrup! Desperate, he throws the cough syrup at the casket... and, (hopefully you're ready for this!!!) The coffin stops
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My dear girl, there are some things that just aren’t done. Such as, drinking Dom Perignon ’53 above the temperature of 38 degrees Fahrenheit. That’s just as bad as listening to the Beatles without earmuffs. |
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10-19-2006, 12:52 AM | #277 | |
Homer go crazy!!!
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10-19-2006, 04:33 AM | #278 |
MVP
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I love this thread....
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Patrick Mahomes...The only QB to ever play in the NFL with at least 5,000 passing yards in a single season and 5,000 passing yards in a single college season. |
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10-19-2006, 07:17 AM | #279 | |
Homer go crazy!!!
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Quote:
...Me too! |
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11-03-2006, 05:26 PM | #280 |
Banned
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The train was quite crowded, so the U. S. Marine walked the entire length looking for a seat, but the only seat left was taken by a well-dressed middle-aged French woman's poodle.
The war-weary Marine asked, "Ma'am, may I have that seat?" The French woman just sniffed and said to no one in particular, "Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat." The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat left was under that dog. "Please, ma'am. May I sit down? I'm very tired." She snorted, "Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!" This time the Marine didn't say a word, he just picked up the little dog, tossed it out the train window, and sat down. The woman shrieked, "Someone must defend my honour! Put this American in his place!" An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up, "Sir, you Americans often seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You hold the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir,... you've thrown the wrong bitch out the window." |
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11-03-2006, 05:32 PM | #281 |
It's Five O'Clock Somewhere
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AMontana cowboy was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud towards him. The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?" The cowboy looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, Why not?" The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to anot her NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo. The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany. Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response. Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the cowboy and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves." "That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says the cowboy. He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car. Then the cowboy says to the young man,? "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?" The young man thinks about it for a second and then says,? "Okay, why not?" You're a Congressman for the U.S. Government", says the cowboy. "Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?" "No guessing required." answered the cowboy. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You tried to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about cows...this is a herd of sheep. Now give me back my dog.
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11-03-2006, 05:36 PM | #282 | |
Banned
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Quote:
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11-03-2006, 05:37 PM | #283 | |
Gimme My Berries Back!
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Quote:
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11-03-2006, 05:38 PM | #284 |
Gimme My Berries Back!
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Damn Bwana you edited!
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11-03-2006, 05:40 PM | #285 | |
It's Five O'Clock Somewhere
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Adventure is dangerous....but monotony can kill you. |
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