Food and Drink The Great American Menu: Foods Of The States, Ranked And Mapped - Page 10

listopencil · 10-18-2013, 05:52 PM

What are the United States' best regional foodstuffs? Its worst? These are the questions that bedevil the mind of man—but no longer! For here, we have ranked them. Rigorously scientific (not), ardently researched (nope), and scrupulously fair (not even a little bit): this is the Great American Menu!
Each state (plus the District of Columbia) gets one, and only one, signature foodstuff. And we selected actual food preparations; no state gets credit merely for being the geographic location where a certain edible flora or fauna happens to grow or swim or graze. But enough of that bullshit. On to the rankings! (For a full-size version of Jim Cooke's map, click here.)

The Greats

1. Chicago-style deep-dish pizza (Illinois)

Man is mortal. He frolics upon the grass of life for but a short season, and then is snatched back to the inanimate dirt of his origin. The Chicago-style deep-dish pizza, America's greatest regional foodstuff—all those toppings, good God so much cheese and meat, I can hear my heartbeat, this can't be right, it sounds like a goddamn chainsaw, can that be right?—will greatly hasten that day's arrival, but it will also fill at least a little part of at least one of those days with a transcendent, mind-boggling, outrageously indulgent sensory experience. This is the best thing any food can do, and certainly far beyond the capabilities of [stares daggers at New York] a sheet of soggy cardboard with a flap of waxy melted cheese stretched across it.

2. Shrimp and grits (South Carolina)

Shrimp. Grits. Tasty, satisfying, authentically South Carolinian. Perfect.

3. Mission-style burrito (California)

The Mission-style burrito is especially great because, nowadays, you don't have to go all the way to California to get a good one. In fact, you can even leave California at 125 miles per hour, screaming and crying because your organ systems are rightly rejecting the state of California like a grafted-on walrus tail because California is awful, and still get a tasty Mission-style burrito pretty much wherever you end up! This is because a Mission-style burrito is just a really fuggin' large burrito with extra rice and (figurative) shit in it. Mmmmmmmm.

4. Crab cake (Maryland)

As we've established (here, here, and here), blue crab—particularly the Chesapeake blue crab—is the best of all ingestibles. However, the Maryland crab cake ranks fourth on this list, simply because so many of the various foodstuffs calling themselves crab cakes are really just mildly crab-flavored bread wads for ninnies, which are nonetheless priced as though they contain some quantity of actual by-God crabmeat measurable in units larger than the zeptogram. This means that the best way to obtain a genuine crabcake, rather than an OldBayseasoningandcrushedcrackerscake, is to make one at home—and, so long as you can find yourself a tub of crabmeat to work with, you don't have to be anywhere near Maryland to do that. (That's a good thing. Maryland drivers. Holy shit.)

5. Peach pie/cobbler (Georgia)

Peaches are good. Pie crust and/or biscuit dough are/is good. Good on ya, Georgia.

6. Gumbo (Louisiana)

Yeah, yeah, Louisiana also has the po' boy and the beignet, but really, those are New Orleans foods, and New Orleans already thinks more than highly enough of itself. Besides, neither of those is as tasty as Creole gumbo, which, factually, is the sole credible argument for not sinking that state into the Gulf of Mexico.

7. Key lime pie (Florida)

1
But what about the Cuban sandwich?!?!?!?! First of all, there's some controversy about the Cuban sandwich's origins: Either it is from Cuba, in which case it is Cuba's sandwich and not Florida's, or it is from Tampa, in which case it is not a Cuban sandwich and has a dumb name, in which case it sucks because things from Tampa suck because Tampa sucks. In any case it is not as definitively Floridian as Key lime pie, which originated in Florida and is made with ingredients—Key limes—that are native to Florida and nowhere else. (It also doesn't taste as good as Key lime pie. So there.) Anyway Key lime pie is very good and I don't know how we wound up talking about the Cuban sandwich this whole time so let's just move on.

8. Fried green tomatoes (Alabama)

... at the Whistle Stop Cafe, yawl! There is nothing to say about fried green tomatoes. They taste very good and you should eat some.

NewChief · 10-20-2013, 01:34 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by 3rd&48ers

2. Shrimp and grits (South Carolina) sucks

WTF? Srsly?

R8RFAN · 10-20-2013, 01:42 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by NewChief

WTF? Srsly?

Yes... I have ate them in SC and they are not good to me... Thing is I love Grits and I love Shrimp but not together

NewChief · 10-20-2013, 01:45 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by 3rd&48ers

Yes... I have ate them in SC and they are not good to me... Thing is I love Grits and I love Shrimp but not together

It's one of my favorite dishes, but I will say that I prefer my recipe (which is just off tabasco.com) to a lot of the ones I've tried at restaurants.

http://www.tabasco.com/tabasco-recip...imp-and-grits/

R8RFAN · 10-20-2013, 01:45 PM

Fried Grits are good

NewChief · 10-20-2013, 01:50 PM

Best grits recipe, imo, involves making the grits with cheese like normal, then tempering with eggs/milk and pouring into a casserole dish. Then you bake it. It turns the "runny" grits into a more substantial casserole. When you put it in the fridge then reheat the next day, it's almost like a grit cake or something.

NewChief · 10-20-2013, 01:52 PM

Looks like this:

**lewdog** · 10-20-2013, 01:54 PM

So what about those testicles. Anyone?

listopencil · 10-20-2013, 02:00 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by NewChief

Best grits recipe, imo, involves making the grits with cheese like normal, then tempering with eggs/milk and pouring into a casserole dish. Then you bake it. It turns the "runny" grits into a more substantial casserole. When you put it in the fridge then reheat the next day, it's almost like a grit cake or something.

I prefer corn mush, or polenta as it is called sometimes. It's a nice side dish fresh and solidifies quickly for leftovers. You can cut up the "cake" and pan fry it or bake it.

vailpass · 10-20-2013, 02:03 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by lewdog

So what about those testicles. Anyone?

Rocky Mountain oysters?

listopencil · 10-20-2013, 02:04 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by NewChief

Looks like this:

I'm not sure of the consistency there. With polenta you can get any shape/size you want to fry or bake. Even polenta fries.

NewChief · 10-20-2013, 02:37 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by listopencil

I prefer corn mush, or polenta as it is called sometimes. It's a nice side dish fresh and solidifies quickly for leftovers. You can cut up the "cake" and pan fry it or bake it.

Yeah. I used to bring my grits to potlucks when we've lived in places other than the South and call it garlic cheese polenta because people seemed to have an aversion to grits there.

R8RFAN · 10-20-2013, 02:40 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by listopencil

I prefer corn mush, or polenta as it is called sometimes. It's a nice side dish fresh and solidifies quickly for leftovers. You can cut up the "cake" and pan fry it or bake it.

I bet you drink those International Coffees with your pinky stuck out too.

listopencil · 10-20-2013, 02:50 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by NewChief

Yeah. I used to bring my grits to potlucks when we've lived in places other than the South and call it garlic cheese polenta because people seemed to have an aversion to grits there.

I prefer regular old corn meal over hominy but I'd eat it.

listopencil · 10-20-2013, 02:53 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by 3rd&48ers

I bet you drink those International Coffees with your pinky stuck out too.

Yeah. Because corn mush is so high class. You're not really this dumb are you?

listopencil · 09-23-2014, 05:54 PM

Someone did this again:

http://sploid.gizmodo.com/the-delici...-ea-1638008671

10-18-2013, 05:52 PM
listopencil Immanentize The Eschaton Join Date: Oct 2002 Location: In Partibus Infidelium Casino cash: $1725880	The Great American Menu: Foods Of The States, Ranked And Mapped What are the United States' best regional foodstuffs? Its worst? These are the questions that bedevil the mind of man—but no longer! For here, we have ranked them. Rigorously scientific (not), ardently researched (nope), and scrupulously fair (not even a little bit): this is the Great American Menu! Each state (plus the District of Columbia) gets one, and only one, signature foodstuff. And we selected actual food preparations; no state gets credit merely for being the geographic location where a certain edible flora or fauna happens to grow or swim or graze. But enough of that bullshit. On to the rankings! (For a full-size version of Jim Cooke's map, click here.) The Greats 1. Chicago-style deep-dish pizza (Illinois) Man is mortal. He frolics upon the grass of life for but a short season, and then is snatched back to the inanimate dirt of his origin. The Chicago-style deep-dish pizza, America's greatest regional foodstuff—all those toppings, good God so much cheese and meat, I can hear my heartbeat, this can't be right, it sounds like a goddamn chainsaw, can that be right?—will greatly hasten that day's arrival, but it will also fill at least a little part of at least one of those days with a transcendent, mind-boggling, outrageously indulgent sensory experience. This is the best thing any food can do, and certainly far beyond the capabilities of [stares daggers at New York] a sheet of soggy cardboard with a flap of waxy melted cheese stretched across it. 2. Shrimp and grits (South Carolina) Shrimp. Grits. Tasty, satisfying, authentically South Carolinian. Perfect. 3. Mission-style burrito (California) The Mission-style burrito is especially great because, nowadays, you don't have to go all the way to California to get a good one. In fact, you can even leave California at 125 miles per hour, screaming and crying because your organ systems are rightly rejecting the state of California like a grafted-on walrus tail because California is awful, and still get a tasty Mission-style burrito pretty much wherever you end up! This is because a Mission-style burrito is just a really fuggin' large burrito with extra rice and (figurative) shit in it. Mmmmmmmm. 4. Crab cake (Maryland) As we've established (here, here, and here), blue crab—particularly the Chesapeake blue crab—is the best of all ingestibles. However, the Maryland crab cake ranks fourth on this list, simply because so many of the various foodstuffs calling themselves crab cakes are really just mildly crab-flavored bread wads for ninnies, which are nonetheless priced as though they contain some quantity of actual by-God crabmeat measurable in units larger than the zeptogram. This means that the best way to obtain a genuine crabcake, rather than an OldBayseasoningandcrushedcrackerscake, is to make one at home—and, so long as you can find yourself a tub of crabmeat to work with, you don't have to be anywhere near Maryland to do that. (That's a good thing. Maryland drivers. Holy shit.) Related How To Cook Lobster Tails: A Guide For People Who Don't Have Butlers To Do All The Work Somewhere along the way, lobster became the symbol of gustatory luxury. You picture your stereotypical Person Of Means sitting down to a feast—me, I… Read… How To Make Crab Cakes That Actually Taste Like Crab The first step is preheating your oven. Yes, that's right: not your deep-fryer, not your skillet, but your oven. Because you are going to bake … Read… 5. Peach pie/cobbler (Georgia) Peaches are good. Pie crust and/or biscuit dough are/is good. Good on ya, Georgia. 6. Gumbo (Louisiana) Yeah, yeah, Louisiana also has the po' boy and the beignet, but really, those are New Orleans foods, and New Orleans already thinks more than highly enough of itself. Besides, neither of those is as tasty as Creole gumbo, which, factually, is the sole credible argument for not sinking that state into the Gulf of Mexico. 7. Key lime pie (Florida) 1 But what about the Cuban sandwich?!?!?!?! First of all, there's some controversy about the Cuban sandwich's origins: Either it is from Cuba, in which case it is Cuba's sandwich and not Florida's, or it is from Tampa, in which case it is not a Cuban sandwich and has a dumb name, in which case it sucks because things from Tampa suck because Tampa sucks. In any case it is not as definitively Floridian as Key lime pie, which originated in Florida and is made with ingredients—Key limes—that are native to Florida and nowhere else. (It also doesn't taste as good as Key lime pie. So there.) Anyway Key lime pie is very good and I don't know how we wound up talking about the Cuban sandwich this whole time so let's just move on. 8. Fried green tomatoes (Alabama) ... at the Whistle Stop Cafe, yawl! There is nothing to say about fried green tomatoes. They taste very good and you should eat some.
Posts: 56,045

10-20-2013, 01:45 PM	#139
R8RFAN Molôn Labé Join Date: Sep 2001 Location: North Carolina Casino cash: $8566872	Fried Grits are good
Posts: 23,166

10-20-2013, 01:50 PM	#140
NewChief In Search of a Life Join Date: Aug 2001 Location: Fayetteville, AR Casino cash: $9570204	Best grits recipe, imo, involves making the grits with cheese like normal, then tempering with eggs/milk and pouring into a casserole dish. Then you bake it. It turns the "runny" grits into a more substantial casserole. When you put it in the fridge then reheat the next day, it's almost like a grit cake or something. __________________ In this world of sin and sorrow there is always something to be thankful for; as for me, I rejoice that I am not a Republican. - H. L. Mencken
Posts: 21,762

10-20-2013, 01:52 PM	#141
NewChief In Search of a Life Join Date: Aug 2001 Location: Fayetteville, AR Casino cash: $9570204	Looks like this: __________________ In this world of sin and sorrow there is always something to be thankful for; as for me, I rejoice that I am not a Republican. - H. L. Mencken
Posts: 21,762

10-20-2013, 01:54 PM	#142
lewdog Mod Team Join Date: Sep 2011 Location: Valley of the hot as **** Casino cash: $1401900	So what about those testicles. Anyone?
Posts: 45,706

09-23-2014, 05:54 PM	#150
listopencil Immanentize The Eschaton Join Date: Oct 2002 Location: In Partibus Infidelium Casino cash: $1725880	Someone did this again: http://sploid.gizmodo.com/the-delici...-ea-1638008671 __________________ Good friends we have had, oh, good friends we've lost...along the way. In this great future, you can't forget your past. So dry your tears, I say.
Posts: 56,045