A Chiefsplanet Fake Exclusive: Roger Goodell's phone calls.

[Rain Man]

A friend of a friend works as an intern in the NFL headquarters, and her job is to procure the babies that Goodell eats. Occasionally while she’s cleaning up the bones and diapers he’ll be on the phone, so she started carrying an audio recorder. It only picks up Goodell’s side of the conversation, but it’s still kind of interesting in showing how the NFL works these days. Here are some of the more intriguing calls from Friday afternoon.


Friday, January 22nd, 1:32 p.m. - Call to Robert Kraft

Spoiler!

(mumble)
“Hello, is this Patriots headquarters?”
(mumble)
“Is Kraft there? This is Roger.”
(mumble)
“Bobbyyyyyy! How’s it hanging, ol’ buddy!”
(mumble)
“Yeah, just had lunch. Delicious. They’re so tender at that age. And you?”
(mumble)
“Anyway, I’m not here to talk food. We need to talk about Manning.”
(mumble)
“Yeah, he’s pumped full of more hormones than that Jenner woman. But his TV ratings are really strong with middle-aged women who host Super Bowl parties.”
(mumble)
“You know where this is going. Archie’s been calling me every day and Papa John’s is threatening to pull their ads. Let’s just say that Hochuli and I have a hunch about who’s going to win this game. If I was a betting man, I’d wager that every interception Tom throws will earn him a Super Bowl later. Up to two. And remember - you owe me for taking that fall in court to get Tom back on the field.”
(mumble)
“Cool. You going to the Pink Pony this weekend? Bring that little blonde and we’ll all have some fun. Von Miller just dropped off a package for me, and I don’t think it’s a baby this time.”

Friday, January 22nd, 1:44 p.m. - Call to Ed Hochuli

Spoiler!

(mumble)
“Hello, is this the Hochuli residence? Is Ed there?”
(mumble)
“Well, have him give me a call when he’s done working out.”

Friday, January 22nd, 2:09 p.m. - Call to Growth Hormones R Us

Spoiler!

(mumble)
(Falsetto voice) “Hello, is this Growth Hormones R Us?”
(mumble)
(Falsetto voice) “This is Mrs. Manning. I’m going to need more medicine, okay? You have my address on file.”
(mumble)
(Falsetto voice) “Oh, and I’ll need double the dosage.”
(mumble)
(Falsetto voice) “Excellent. Can you triple the dosage?”
(mumble)
(Falsetto voice) “Excellent. Can you quadruple the dosage?”
(mumble)
(Falsetto voice) “I doubt it’ll kill me. It didn’t kill Von Miller, did it?”
(mumble)
(Falsetto voice) “I don’t mind having a large forehead.”
(mumble)
“Excellent. Oh, I mean,” (Falsetto voice) “Excellent! Send it right over!”

Friday, January 22nd, 2:24 p.m. - Call to Andy Reid

Spoiler!

“Hello, is this the Reid residence? Is Andy there?”
(mumble)
“Andy! Is your refrigerator running?”
(mumble)
“Well, you better let him out! Hahahahahaha!”

Friday, January 22nd, 2:28 p.m. - Call to Peyton Manning

Spoiler!

(yokel-like mumble)
“Hello, is this the Manning residence?”
(yokel-like mumble)
“Oh, hi Archie. Is Peyton there?”
(yokel-like mumble)
“I really need to speak to him.”
(yokel-like mumble)
“Privately.”
(yokel-like mumble)
“Okay, fine. You can listen. Just let me talk to Peyton.”
(yokel-like mumble)
“No, I don’t want to talk to Eli. Just Peyton.”
(yokel-like mumble)
“Who the hell is Cooper? No. Just Peyton and you. That’s all I need.”
(yokel-like mumble)
“Peyyyyyyyyton, how’s it hanging, ol’ buddy?”
(yokel-like mumble)
“Just finishing up lunch? Me, too!”
(yokel-like mumble)
“No, not chicken parm. But it tasted kind of like chicken.”
(yokel-like mumble)
“Hey, I need to talk to you, ol’ buddy. You’ve got a big game coming up, don’t you? Do you want another ring to noogie Eli with?”
(yokel-like mumble)
“Yeah, total d-bag. I hate Eli, too. But here’s what I need. I need you to do two things.
(yokel-like mumble)
“First, don’t try to throw anything past ten yards. Just don’t, okay? Hand off as much as you can.”
(yokel-like mumble)
“Well, Peyton, I think we both know why. Don't make me say it.”
(yokel-like mumble)
“And second, can you just grow some bangs? Like an Opie Taylor kind of thing, maybe? It’s getting a little obvious what’s going on. If you need hair, I’ll get some from Clay Matthews and we can graft it on. But we gotta make the ol’ drive-in theater screen look a little less obvious.”
(yokel-like mumble)
“Awesome. Congrats on the wins coming up, and I’ll see you in Canton. Oh, and I just sent the wifey a little gift. Make sure to use it all, and don’t let Von Miller steal it from you this time.”

Friday, January 22nd, 2:36 p.m. - Call to Ed Hochuli

Spoiler!

(mumble)
“Hello, is this the Hochuli residence? Is Ed there?”
(mumble)
“Well, have him give me a call when he finishes his bench press. It’s important. I think Von Miller is trying to kill him.”

Friday, January 22nd, 2:39 p.m. - Call to Jerry Richardson

Spoiler!

(mumble)
“Hello, is this Panthers headquarters? Is Johnny Richardson around?”
(mumble)
“Oh, it’s Jerry? Whatever. Just let me talk to them.”
(mumble)
“Jimmy, this is Commissioner Roger Goodell. Congratulations on the great season. I hear you guys are looking really strong.”
(mumble)
“No, I didn’t see the game. I just watched the first game with Bobby Kraft and then we went clubbing. But I heard something about the Pumas winning.”
(mumble)
“Panthers. Right.”
(mumble)
“Whatever. I have a quick question for you. What’s your TV market size?”
(mumble)
“Three million? That’s all? And you’re in the Midwest, right?”
(mumble)
“The SOUTH? Really? Like, south of Greenwich Villiage?”
(mumble)
“Carolina? I don’t even know that borough. Is that, like, south of Newark?”
(mumble)
“Wow. Does the subway even go that far? Well, anyway, that’s all I need. Only three million, eh? That's nothing.”

Friday, January 22nd, 3:02 p.m. - Call to John Elway

Spoiler!

(mumble)
“Hello, is this Broncos headquarters? Is Pat Bowlen’s kid there?”
(mumble)
“Jail again? Well, who’s running the team?”
(mumble)
“Aw, geez. Is there anyone else? No? I guess I’ll talk to that jackhole, then.”
(mumble)
“Elwaaaaaaaaaaaaay! How’s it hanging, ol’ buddy?”
(mumble)
“It’s just an expression. I don’t really want to know. Anyway, I need to talk to you.”
(mumble)
“John, can you turn the cartoons down a little? This is important.”
(mumble)
“Okay, the game’s in the bag, just like ’96 and ’97. But I need you to do a couple of things for me in return.”
(mumble)
“No, you can’t score a touchdown. You’re not a player any more.”
(mumble)
“Well, go ahead and ask your dad. But I’m sure he’ll agree.”
(mumble)
“Okay, here’s what I need. First, don’t make it obvious. It’ll be 18 against 11. Peyton doesn’t need to be throwing the ball around. Just run it and throw five-yard passes, and we’ll take care of the rest. If he tries to throw any farther than five yards, we’re going to have to be obvious like we were back with Bettis against the Seahawks. We don’t want that.”
(mumble)
“Yeah, I remember. You’ve told me before. I don’t really care if it was Dan Reeves’ fault that you lost.
(mumble)
“Back to the topic, okay? Second, I need you to control public relations. We can’t have Von Miller or Aqib Talib or Malik Jackson murdering anyone over the next two weeks.”
(mumble)
“You’ve got to be kidding me. How many?”
(mumble)
“Five more? Dammit, Von hasn’t even left the stadium yet! What happened?”
(mumble)
"An axe?
(mumble)
“How many kilos are missing? No wonder he’s mad, but he just can’t be killing people inside the stadium. And he shouldn't be storing that stuff in his locker. Were there witnesses?”
(mumble)
“Well, have Talib take care of the witnesses and I’ll tell people he was with me. Except for any baby witnesses. Those come here. Were there any babies involved? “
(mumble)
“Darn. Anyway, promise me you’ll keep those guys out of trouble for the next couple of weeks?”
(mumble)
“No, I can’t change Super Bowl scores retroactively. Back to the point. Can you keep them out of trouble?”
(mumble)
“I remember. You’ve told me a thousand times already. It’s not your fault that the defense gave up 55 points. I get it. But in fairness you did throw two interceptions and got benched.”
(mumble)
“Well, you did.”
(mumble)
“Yes, you did. I’ve seen the stats. Two interceptions.”
(mumble)
“Seriously, no more murders by your starters. Gotta go.”
(mumble)
“No, I don’t know where your crayons are. Ask Kubiak. That’s why he’s there.”
(mumble)
“Bye.” (Under breath.) “Jackhole.”

Friday, January 22nd, 3:11 p.m. - Call to Ed Hochuli

Spoiler!

(mumble)
“Hello, is this the Hochuli residence? Is Ed there?”
(mumble)
“Still? Well, go get him. It’s an emergency.”
(mumble)
“Eddddddddd! How’s it hanging, ol’ buddy?”
(mumble)
“Okay, sorry. I was just giving you the business. Anyway, we’ve got a problem. I was just on the phone with the Broncos.”
(mumble)
“It seems that someone stole several kilos of … powdered sugar … out of Von Miller’s locker, and he’s pretty ticked off about it.”
(mumble)
“Well, yeah, of course it’s Talib, but for some reason Von Miller is about to be given the impression that you did it. And I may accidentally give him your home address.”
(mumble)
“Yeah, I know that you could kick Von Miller’s a**. But he’s probably bringing Malik Jackson and De-mar-ee-ee-ous Thomas with him. You know they’ll be armed.”
(mumble)
“What can I do? Well, I’ll talk to Von. We get together a lot to eat bab-, er, eat burgers. If he was to get a Super Bowl winner’s share and an MVP award, I bet he’d forget about the … powdered sugar. What do you think?”
(mumble)
“Excellent. I’ll invite you to the next party with Bob Kraft. Did you know that the Pumas’ TV market is only three million people? That’s no bigger than Queens. Anyway, bye.”
“Hey! Intern! Bring me another baby!”

[teedubya]

You need a sports blog, man.

[TimBone]

Lol....I laughed hardest when Goodell said to Elway, "Well, you did."

Great job.

[ChiliConCarnage]

Von Miller must have a huge locker.

[Kman34]

Do you write for a sitcom???

[C-Mac]

Call to Elway is gold

[ChiliConCarnage]

Originally Posted by Kman34

Do you write for a sitcom???

Yes, in his spare time when he's not running the nation's largest polling operation.

[Buehler445]

Outstanding.

[King_Chief_Fan]

Outstanding.....very funny and clever

[ptlyon]

Good job Rain Man

[TLO]

Hilarious

[lawrenceRaider]

Fan F'n Tastic. +1,000,000,000

[Yosef_Malkovitch]

Originally Posted by teedubya

You need a sports blog, man.

I completely agree. This is the quality of stuff you usually see on established blogs, not just a board somewhere.

I literally laughed aloud a couple of times.

[Marcellus]

Gods stuff, that made my day.

[tooge]

Great stuff Rain Man. I laughed and I needed that today