Irish jokes
 

I have none. The meaner the better.

Potato something something. Laughter.

Boondock Saints

"At least we're not Italians."

Harley har har

How many potatoes does it take to kill an Irishman? None.

Did you hear about the irishman that jerked off pigs?

No. Because not even an irishman would do that.

Filthy Irish trash

Never iron a four leaf clover. You don’t want to press your luck.

Irish I had a good joke for you.

/asian dude

I had an accident opening a can of alphabeti spaghetti this morning,' said Murphy.

'Were you injured?' inquired Seamus.

'No, but it could have spelled disaster,' concluded Murphy.

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WE DON'T WANT THE IRISH!

An Irish man walks into a bar. The bartender looks at him and notices he has a steering wheel stuck down the front of his pants. "Hey," he says, "What's with the steering wheel down your pants?" "Ach," says the Irish man, "it's drivin' me nuts!"

This joke was told to me by an Irishman...

A small, white duck goes into a bar, jumps on the barstool, orders a shot of booze and says to the bartender 'listen, I'm a bricklayer on the construction site nearby. The works will last for some time and I'll be coming here every day around lunchtime for a shot of booze, so think about some discount or something'. The duck drinks the shot, jumps off the stool and goes out. The bartender is shocked, he's never seen a talking duck before, so he calls his friend who owns a circus: 'listen, there's a talking duck coming to my bar, come tomorrow around lunchtime and see for yourself'. So the next day the circus owner waits in the bar and the duck goes in, jumps on the barstool and orders a shot of booze. The circus manager overcomes his awe and says: 'Hello sir, I'm a circus owner and I want to offer you a job. I can give you whatever money you want, plus a company car, a cell phone, best hotels, best women, whatever you want'. The duck considers his offer for a moment and says 'so you're a circus owner, right?' 'Right' 'And your circus is one of those big tents, right?' 'Right.' 'With a sandy arena in the middle?' 'Yes' 'And with rows of seats around?' 'Correct' 'So what the **** you need a bricklayer for?

Q: How many Irish does it take to change a lightbulb? A: Never mind, we’ll drink in the dark.

Where does an Irish man take his family on vacation?
To another bar....

What does an Irish man consider for a seven course meal?
A six pack and a potato...

Did you hear about the two gay Irishmen? Gerald Fitzpatrick and Patrick Fitzgerald.

And for the kids out there.. a clean one..

Why is Ireland the richest country in the world?

Because its capital is always Dublin.

Is that Chase Daniel on a box of Lucky Charms.

From "Foreigners Around the World" by P.J. O'Rourke during his 1970s National Lampoon days:

IRISH

Racial Characteristics:
Pie-faced, neckless, bandy-legged sots who almost never ****. Ignorant and superstitious, they are in utter thrall to the vile, conniving priests of their dark and barbarous religion. Their women have their legs on upside down and no man in the country eats anything but potatoes, and only eats them when is out of strong drink. The principal delights of the Irish are in quarreling and fighting and killing each other with bombs. They can be trained to do nothing useful that a dray horse can't accomplish in half the time, and they spew out a continuous stream of mumbles and grunts which they fancy to be "poems." They sell their children for whiskey.

Good Points:
Many Irish are dead.

Proper Forms of Address:
Bogmouth, peat-face, Mr. Potato Head, nun-buns, dumb Mick.

An Anecdote Illustrating Something of the Irish Character:
There once was an Irishman who got so drunk while he was in Rome that he kissed his wife and beat the Pope's foot to a pulp with a coal shovel.

irishjokes.com

DAMN YOU KEG!!!!! (Wee bit anyway)

well hells bells, I'm way late....but I was looking for the clean jokes thread and stumbled across this. I can't BELIEVE this one isn't in here...

An English man, a Scottish man and an Irish man all order a Guiness.
there is a fly in each one.
the English man pushes the beer away and orders another.
the Scottish man plucks the fly out of his beer and takes a drink.
the Irish man grabs the fly, starts pounding on it's back yelling.....
spit it out ya sonofabitch, SPIT IT OUT!

Irish buddy showed us a drinking game a few years back.

Pick a card out of a deck. Whatever you pull, drink that many beers. Repeat.

Too soon.

I told this one at the family dinner table for Easter. My Dad was the only one who laughed, (he's from England), the rest thought it was vile or didn't get it.

My Dad = LMAO

FYP.







OK your joke was amusing. :)

Here's a good Irish joke:

Manti T'eo

An Irish man walks past a bar

You should McKill yourself for this O'shitty thread.

That is awesome. I'm pulling that one out later.

An Irishmen walks into a pub and orders 3 pints of Guinness.

The bartender looks at the lone man and brings him the 3 pints.
In order, the Irishmen takes a sip of each one until they're gone.
The bartender asks. 'Why do you order three and drink them like that?"
The Irishmen responds. "I promised me brothers that I would always have a drink for them when I drink."

So this goes on for months, until one day the Irishmen comes in and only orders two pints. So the bartender brings him the two pints and tells the Irishmen that's he's sorry for the loss of his brother. The Irishmen doesn't understand at first but then he realizes what the bartender is saying and says "Oh! Me brothers are fine, I gave up drinking for lent."

What is the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish funeral?
One drunk~

LMAOLMAOLMAO

The difference between Bono and God is God doesn't walk around Ireland pretending he's Bono.

What is 6 miles long and has IQ of 105?
The St Patrick's Day Parade!

I like that movie

Pat McGroin and Phil McCrackin

An ITALIAN and IRISHMAN entered a chocolate store. As they were busy looking, the IRISHMAN stole 3 chocolate bars. As they left the store, the IRISHMAN said to the ITALIAN, "Man I'm the best thief, I stole 3 chocolate bars and no one saw me. You can't beat that."

ITALIAN replied: "You want to see something better ? Let's go back to the shop and I'll show you real stealing."

So they went to the counter and the ITALIAN said to the shopkeeper: "Do you want to see magic ?" The shopkeeper replied: "Yes." The ITALIAN said: "Give me one chocolate bar. " The shopkeeper gave him one, and he ate it. The ITALIAN asked for a second bar, and he ate that as well. He asked for the third, and finished that one too. The shopkeeper asked: "But where's the magic ?"

The ITALIAN replied: "Check in my friend's pocket, and you'll find all three bars of chocolate."

At the Irish wedding reception the D.J. yelled...

"Would all married men please stand next to the one person who has made your life worth living."

The Bartender was almost crushed to death.

Paddy rings his new girlfriend's door bell with a big bunch of flowers. She opens the door, sees the flowers, and drags him in. She lies back on the couch, pulls her skirt up, rips her knickers off and says 'This is for the flowers!'

'Don't be silly;' says Paddy, 'you must have a vase somewhere!'

An Irishman pointed to two old drunks across the bar from and told his mate, "That'll be us in ten years."

He said, "That's a mirror, you dickhead."

Firemen respond to a bar fire. They find and save an Irishman in the burning bar and ask him how the fire started. "I don't know," he responds, "It was on fire when I got here."

Two Irish nuns have just arrived in the USA by boat, and one says to the other, "I hear that the people in this country actually eat dogs."

"Odd," her companion replies, "but if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the
Americans do."

As they sit, they hear a push cart vendor yelling, "Hot Dogs, get your dogs here," and they both walk towards the hot dog cart.

"Two dogs, please!," says one. The vendor is very pleased to oblige, wraps both hot dogs in foil and hands them over. Excited, the nuns hurry to a bench and begin to unwrap their
"dogs."

The mother superior is first to open hers. She begins to blush, and then after staring at it for a moment, leans to the other Nun and in a soft brogue whispers.

"What part did you get?"

Where there are four Irishmen you'll find a fifth.

A man who was working at the Guiness brewery in Dublin fell into a barrel and drowned. When authorities showed up to tell his wife, she began to sob.
"Was it a quick death?" she asked, sobbing.

"I'm afraid not," said the officer. "He got out 6 times to pee."

love this thread.
seO'c

They are dirty dirty people

You ****ers are just jealous.:rolleyes:

Everyone in the world got drunk on St. Patricks Day. A day of celebration the Irish call Tuesday.

Amateurs.

I'm Irish. What can I say?

ROFL:toast:

Something drunk. Something fight at a bar. Something beats wife.

Amateur. I looked like I stepped out of a Norman Rockwell painting from an early age.

When I was traveling around the world the big joke was when we saw you we knew you were Irish or American, as soon as you opened your mouth to talk, it was obviously American. Besides the Irish can't afford to travel.

You wouldn't believe how many different countries I heard that same basic thing.

The only way you can tell with me is my beard. I have brown hair, and a red beard.

The new Wendys girl is actually blonde and dyes her hair red.

http://hot1047.com/who-is-the-wendys-girl/

ROFLROFLROFL

An Irishman walks into an employment office and seeks out the first receptionist..than asks..."I really want a job. Is there anything available?" The receptionist responds "I have the perfect job for you. You'll be the driver for a multi-millionaire record producer. He's only here in town once a year and you get to keep and drive his Bentley. Plus...he has twin 20 year old nymphomaniac daughters you have to keep an eye on. The Irishman looks at the receptionist in shock and mutters "Are you kidding me?" The receptionist answers "Yeah, you started it."