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Old 07-18-2019, 10:19 AM  
Rain Man Rain Man is offline
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I have created a new insect religion for mankind's benefit.

On my way to work today, I noticed a small movement on the sidewalk. As I approached, I realized that it was a bug that had somehow gotten turned upside down. It was wiggling its little arms and legs (or maybe they're all legs) helplessly, but it had no chance of righting itself.

After a moment of thought, I moved my shoe to a strategic location, and flipped the bug. While there was some skidding involved that was probably less than pleasant, the bug eventually got turned upright.

The implications of this are profound from the bug's perspective. Think about it - due to some bad Darwinian design, you're doomed. You're upside down, your thorax is exposed, and your carapace is too heavy to right yourself. Spiders and ants and wasps are inevitably bearing down on you. Your life, all two weeks of it, are flashing before your compound eye stalks.

And then suddenly out of the blue, a giant being appears, so large that you can't even see the top of it. A massive, mountain-sized foot moves toward you. But instead of crushing you, it benevolently flips you back to safety and then disappears swiftly over the horizon.

People, this is how religions are born.

If you're that bug, you now believe that there's a giant being out there looking out for you. You love the giant being. The giant being is your friend.
You're going to preach that gospel to other bugs, and you're going to tell them not to buzz the giant beings. Don't fly into their noses, don't drown yourself in their drinks. You're going to convert other bugs with your story, and peace will come in our time. People and bugs will live together in harmony.

You're welcome.
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Old 07-18-2019, 12:41 PM   #31
Graystoke Graystoke is offline
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I'll let you have one of the chapters of my holy book. I think beetle is probably the best language to use since it's most widely spoken. If you speak beetle, you can go anywhere in the insect world and be understood.
One Chapter?
WHAT KIND OF GOD ARE YOU?
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Old 07-18-2019, 12:48 PM   #32
Mennonite Mennonite is offline
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I'll let you have one of the chapters of my holy book. I think beetle is probably the best language to use since it's most widely spoken. If you speak beetle, you can go anywhere in the insect world and be understood.


Be careful what dialect you choose though. You go with a dung beetle accent and everyone will think you're just talking shit.
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Old 07-18-2019, 12:49 PM   #33
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One Chapter?
WHAT KIND OF GOD ARE YOU?
Do you have any concept of how many insect disciples I have? And they're all working on chapters of their own. At my last supper, I had over a hundred gnats and 200 ants, and that's not even counting the ones that were ground up in the strawberry jelly.
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Old 07-18-2019, 12:57 PM   #34
srvy srvy is offline
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Oh ye of little faith. I saved the bug, and the bugs shall save me.
They were giants once they could be again. We will be their prey so smash them we can never be friends.

Yeah I watched the progression of earth thingy on here. I remember the giant bugs. Working outside I have pulled many ticks crawling or embedded in me they get the hot engine hood of the work truck treatment.
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Old 07-18-2019, 12:57 PM   #35
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Do you have any concept of how many insect disciples I have? And they're all working on chapters of their own. At my last supper, I had over a hundred gnats and 200 ants, and that's not even counting the ones that were ground up in the strawberry jelly.
Sorry, I got a better offer from Satant
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Old 07-18-2019, 01:00 PM   #36
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Old 07-18-2019, 01:04 PM   #37
Rain Man Rain Man is offline
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Sorry, I got a better offer from Satant
That's a fly by night outfit.

Not actual flies. Flies worship me.
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Old 07-18-2019, 01:05 PM   #38
Mennonite Mennonite is offline
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They were giants once they could be again. We will be their prey so smash them we can never be friends.
Mothra, forgive them, for they know not what they do.


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Working outside I have pulled many ticks crawling or embedded in me they get the hot engine hood of the work truck treatment.
Look, this religion thing is pretty new for these guys. It's gonna take a while for the ticks to figure out this whole transubstantiation thing ok?

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Old 07-18-2019, 01:11 PM   #39
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Soon that bug will be develop a following of other bugs after telling tales of an imaginary man that loves all bugs, he will be crucified for his beliefs about the greatness of this man and then for centuries the believers of this bug and his tales about the imaginary man will wait outside grocery stores and shopping malls handing out pamphlets that nobody wants.
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Old 07-18-2019, 01:13 PM   #40
Mennonite Mennonite is offline
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Flies worship me.

Good news/bad news. The bad news is that you may be Beelzebub. The good news is that William Golding probably owes you millions in royalties.
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Old 07-18-2019, 01:16 PM   #41
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There's only one problem with your theory - this bug, the one who received direct revelation of your existence, can't communicate with other bugs. Your stature as a supreme being will not last beyond its already short lifespan.

Furthermore, even if he can communicate, he's probably too embarrassed to tell the other insects that he got himself turned upside down somehow. That has to rank pretty highly on the list of ways for an insect to embarrass himself. It would be like getting your head stuck in a chair.
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Old 07-18-2019, 01:30 PM   #42
Mennonite Mennonite is offline
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There's only one problem with your theory - this bug, the one who received direct revelation of your existence, can't communicate with other bugs. Your stature as a supreme being will not last beyond its already short lifespan.

All Rain Man has to do is provide him with a little book and a tiny pencil so he can jot his story down. That should keep his swarm from doubting his word for at least a couple of thousand years, right?

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Furthermore, even if he can communicate, he's probably too embarrassed to tell the other insects that he got himself turned upside down somehow. That has to rank pretty highly on the list of ways for an insect to embarrass himself. It would be like getting your head stuck in a chair.
What if I told you that Lazarus wasn't exactly dead when Jesus rolled by? Some scholars believe that he was a first century A.D. Version of the Life Alert lady and the King of Kings just gave him a swift kick with a sandal to get his ass off the ground.
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Old 07-18-2019, 01:38 PM   #43
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Is your religion one where the bugs can depict you in drawings?
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Old 07-18-2019, 01:52 PM   #44
Mennonite Mennonite is offline
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Is your religion one where the bugs can depict you in drawings?
Graven images will only be allowed in the Eastern Orthodox branch. As popular 80s comedian Yakov Smirnoff explains: "In Russia flies draw you!"

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Old 07-18-2019, 02:42 PM   #45
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