Funny Stuff ***Official E-mail Fowards Thread*** - Page 2

**luv** · 09-25-2008, 08:34 AM

Old or new, post any of those emails forwards that you found funny or touching here.

Monty · 09-25-2008, 10:57 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Rain Man

If only one person posts a warning about standing next to a microwave with tattoos, it'll make my day.

KCKID58 · 09-25-2008, 12:08 PM

I recall my first time with a condom, I was 16 or
> So. I went in to buy a packet of condoms at the
> Pharmacy. There was this beautiful woman assistant
> Behind the counter, and she could see that I was new
> at it.
>
> She handed me the package and asked if I knew how
> To wear one. I honestly answered, 'No, this is my first time.'
> So she unwrapped the package, took one out and
> Slipped it over her thumb. She cautioned me to make
> Sure it was on tight and secure. I apparently still
> Looked confused. So she looked all around the store
> To see if it was empty. It was empty.
>
> 'Just a minute,' she said, and walked to the
> Door, and locked it.
> Taking my hand, she led me into the back room,
> Unbuttoned her blouse and removed it. She unhooked
> Her bra and laid it aside. 'Do these excite you?' She
> Asked.. Well, I was so dumb-struck that all I could do
> Was nod my head. She then said it was time to
> Slip the condom on.
>
> As I was slipping it on, she dropped her skirt,
> Removed her panties and lay down on a desk. 'Well,
> Come on', she said, 'We don't have much time.'
> So I climbed on her. It was so wonderful, that
> Unfortunately, I could no longer hold back and
> KAPOW, I was done within a few minutes.
>
> She looked at me with a bit of a frown. 'Did you
> Put that condom on?' she asked.
> I said, 'I sure did,' and held up my thumb to
> Show her.
> She fainted.

**luv** · 09-25-2008, 12:21 PM

Just imagine sitting in traffic on your way to work and hearing this.
Many Chicago folks DID hear this on the WBAM FM morning show in Chicago.
The DJs play a game where they award winners great prizes.
The game is called "Mate Match". The DJs call someone at work and ask if they are married or seriously involved with someone. If the contestant answers "yes", he or she is then asked 3 random yet highly personal
questions. The person is also asked to divulge the name of their partner
(with phone number) for verification. If their partner answers those same three questions correctly, they both win the prize. One particular game, however, several months ago made the City of Big Shoulders drop to its knees with laughter and is possibly the funniest thing I've heard yet.
Anyway, here's how it all went down:
DJ: "Hey! This is Edgar on WBAM. Have you ever heard of 'Mate Match'?"
Contestant: (laughing) "Yes, I have."
DJ: "Great! Then you know we're giving away a trip to Orlando, Florida if you win. What is your name? First only please."
Contestant: "Brian."
DJ: "Brian, are you married or what?"
Brian: "Yes."
DJ: "Yes? Does that mean you're married or you're what?"
Brian: (laughing nervously) "Yes, I am married."
DJ: "Thank you. Now, what is your wife's name? First only please."
Brian: "Sara."
DJ: "Is Sara at work, Brian?"
Brian: "She is gonna kill me."
DJ: "Stay with me here, Brian! Is she at work?"
Brian: (laughing) "Yes, she's at work."
DJ: "Okay, first question - when was the last time you had sex?"
Brian: "She is gonna kill me."
DJ: "Brian! Stay with me here!"
Brian: "About 8 o'clock this morning."
DJ: "Atta boy, Brian."
Brian: (laughing sheepishly) "Well..."
DJ: "Question #2 - How long did it last?"
Brian: "About 10 minutes."
DJ: "Wow! You really want that trip, huh? No one would ever have said that if a trip wasn't at stake."
Brian: "Yeah, that trip sure would be nice."
DJ: "Okay. Final question. Where did you have sex at 8 o'clock this morning?"
Brian: (laughing hard) "I, ummm, I, well..."
DJ: "This sounds good, Brian. Where was it at?"
Brian: "Not that it was all that great, but her mom is staying with us for a couple of weeks..."
DJ: "Uh huh..."
Brian: "...and the Mother-In-Law was in the shower at the time."
DJ: "Atta boy, Brian."
Brian: "On the kitchen table."
DJ: "Not that great?? That is more adventure than the previous hundred
times I've done it. Okay folks, I will put Brian on hold, get this wife's work number and call her up. You listen to this."
3 minutes of commercials follow.
DJ: "Okay audience, let's call Sarah, shall we?"
touch tones.....ringing....)
Clerk: "Kinkos."
DJ: "Hey, is Sarah around there somewhere?"
Clerk: "This is she.
DJ: "Sarah, this is Edgar with WBAM. We are live on the air right now and I've been talking with Brian for a couple of hours now."
Sarah: (laughing) "A couple of hours?"
DJ: "Well, a while now. He is on the line with us. Brian knows not to give any answers away or you'll lose. Sooooooo... do you know the rules of 'Mate Match'?"
Sarah: "No."
DJ: "Good!"
Brian: (laughing)
Sarah: (laughing) "Brian, what the hell are you up to?"
Brian (laughing) "Just answer his questions honestly, okay? Be completely honest."
DJ: "Yeah yeah yeah. Sure. Now, I will ask you 3 questions, Sarah. If your answers match Brian's answers, then the both of you will be off to Orlando, Florida for 5 days on us. Disney World. Sea World. Tickets to the Magic's game. The whole deal. Get it Sarah?"
Sarah: (laughing) "Yes."
DJ: "Alright. When did you last have sex, Sarah?"
Sarah: "Oh God, Brian....uh, this morning before Brian went to work."
DJ: "What time?"
Sarah: "Around 8 this morning."
DJ: "Very good. Next question. How long did it last?"
Sarah: "12, 15 minutes maybe."
DJ: "Hmmmm. That's close enough. I am sure she is trying to protect his manhood. We've got one last question, Sarah. You are one question away from a trip to Florida. Are you ready?"
Sarah: (laughing) "Yes."
DJ: "Where did you have it?"
Sarah: "OH MY GOD, BRIAN!! You didn't tell them that, did you?"
Brian: "Just tell him, honey."
DJ: "What is bothering you so much, Sarah?"
Sarah: "Well..."
DJ: Come on Sarah.....where did you have it?
Sarah: "Up the arse....."
After a long pause, the DJ said, "Folks, we need to take a station break"

**luv** · 09-25-2008, 12:28 PM

I Just Want You To Hold Me

I never have quite figured out why the sexual urges of men & women differ so much.
I never have figured out the whole Mars & Venus thing.
I never have figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.
I never yet have figured out how the sexual desire gene gets thrown into a state of turmoil, when the words "I do" are heard.

One evening last week, my wife and I got into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me."
I said, "WHAT??" So she says the words that I and every husband on the planet dread. She explains that I'm obviously not in tune with her emotional needs as a "Woman."
I'm thinking, "What was her first clue?" I finally realize that nothing is going to happen that night, so I went to bed.

The very next day we went shopping at a big department store... I walked around while she tried on three very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her to take all three of them. She then tells me that she wants matching shoes worth $200 each to which I say
OK.
Then we go to the Jewelry Dept. where she gets a set of diamond earrings. Let me tell you ... she was so excited. She must have thought that I was one wave short of a shipwreck, but I don't think she cared. I think she was testing me when she asked for a tennis bracelet because she doesn't even play tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I told her that it was OK. She was almost sexually excited from all of this and you should have seen her face when she said, "I'm ready to go, let's go to the cash register."

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No, honey. I don't feel like buying all this stuff now." You should have seen her face ... It went completely blank. I then said, "Really honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while." Just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, "You obviously are not in tune with my financial need as a "Man."

**luv** · 09-25-2008, 12:30 PM

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time. Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. The pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex.
At the cashregister, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.
That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!"
The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head.
A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down.
10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.
Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious."
The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist."

Simply Red · 09-25-2008, 12:54 PM

luv, you get some ****ed up emails.

**Buck** · 09-25-2008, 12:56 PM

I got this one this morning. Its a little amusing

Who Has Better Friends? Men or Women ...

Friendship among Women:
A woman didn't come home one night.
The next morning
she told her husband that she had slept over at a friend's house.

The man called his wife's 10 best
friends. None of them knew anything about it.

Friendship among Men:

A man didn't come home one night.
The next morning he
told his wife that he had slept over at a friend's house. The woman
called her husband's 10 best friends.
Eight confirmed that he had slept over, and
two said he was still there

Monty · 09-25-2008, 01:46 PM

I just got this one:
-----------------

One day, a long, long time ago .......
there lived a woman who did not whine, nag or bitch.

But this was a long time ago.......

and it was just that one day.

The End

**luv** · 09-25-2008, 04:02 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Simply Red

luv, you get some ****ed up emails.

I keep some of the funnier or more sentimental ones in a folder in my email. They're good to go back and read or laugh at when I'm having a bad day. A few of the ones I've posted are from years ago. I took off the last line from the one about men and women that said "I might be having sex again in the Spring of 2006." I think it was 2003 when I got it.

Hammock Parties · 09-25-2008, 04:04 PM

I'd **** a chick with a glass eye. Hell, two glass eyes. And a pegleg.

Thig Lyfe · 09-25-2008, 04:13 PM

Awesome thread. Now all this shit can go in one place and I don't have to see them ever again.

JuicesFlowing · 09-25-2008, 04:18 PM

So this many people have actually READ forwarded e-mails? I delete ANYYTHING that has been forwarded.

**luv** · 09-25-2008, 04:32 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by SportsRacer

Awesome thread. Now all this shit can go in one place and I don't have to see them ever again.

Just what I was thinking when creating it, actually.

**luv** · 09-25-2008, 04:33 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by JuicesFlowing

So this many people have actually READ forwarded e-mails? I delete ANYYTHING that has been forwarded.

I hardly get any anymore. I usually don't read them unless they're from someone I know who knows what I think will be funny.

**Bugeater** · 09-25-2008, 05:53 PM

Just got this gem today:

Tough Love vs. Spanking - Good Argument

Most of the American populace thinks it improper to spank
children, so I have tried other methods to control my kids
when they have one of 'those moments.'

One that I found effective is for me to just take the
child for a car ride and talk.

Some say it's the vibration from the car, others say
it's the time away from any distractions such as TV, Video
Games, Computer, IPod, etc.

Either way, my kids usually calm down and stop misbehaving after
our car ride together. Eye to eye contact helps a lot too.

I've included a photo below of one of my sessions with my
son, in case you would like to use the technique.

Sincerely,
Your Friend

PS - This works with grandchildren, nieces,and nephews as well.

09-25-2008, 08:34 AM
luv MY LITTLE #15 Join Date: Dec 2004 Location: Springfield, MO Casino cash: $6289600	*Official E-mail Fowards Thread* Old or new, post any of those emails forwards that you found funny or touching here.
Posts: 63,424

09-25-2008, 12:08 PM	#17
KCKID58 I am that man from Nantucket Join Date: Oct 2004 Location: RICHMOND VA Casino cash: $9957734	I recall my first time with a condom, I was 16 or > So. I went in to buy a packet of condoms at the > Pharmacy. There was this beautiful woman assistant > Behind the counter, and she could see that I was new > at it. > > She handed me the package and asked if I knew how > To wear one. I honestly answered, 'No, this is my first time.' > So she unwrapped the package, took one out and > Slipped it over her thumb. She cautioned me to make > Sure it was on tight and secure. I apparently still > Looked confused. So she looked all around the store > To see if it was empty. It was empty. > > 'Just a minute,' she said, and walked to the > Door, and locked it. > Taking my hand, she led me into the back room, > Unbuttoned her blouse and removed it. She unhooked > Her bra and laid it aside. 'Do these excite you?' She > Asked.. Well, I was so dumb-struck that all I could do > Was nod my head. She then said it was time to > Slip the condom on. > > As I was slipping it on, she dropped her skirt, > Removed her panties and lay down on a desk. 'Well, > Come on', she said, 'We don't have much time.' > So I climbed on her. It was so wonderful, that > Unfortunately, I could no longer hold back and > KAPOW, I was done within a few minutes. > > She looked at me with a bit of a frown. 'Did you > Put that condom on?' she asked. > I said, 'I sure did,' and held up my thumb to > Show her. > She fainted. __________________
Posts: 372

09-25-2008, 12:21 PM	#18
luv MY LITTLE #15 Join Date: Dec 2004 Location: Springfield, MO Casino cash: $6289600	Just imagine sitting in traffic on your way to work and hearing this. Many Chicago folks DID hear this on the WBAM FM morning show in Chicago. The DJs play a game where they award winners great prizes. The game is called "Mate Match". The DJs call someone at work and ask if they are married or seriously involved with someone. If the contestant answers "yes", he or she is then asked 3 random yet highly personal questions. The person is also asked to divulge the name of their partner (with phone number) for verification. If their partner answers those same three questions correctly, they both win the prize. One particular game, however, several months ago made the City of Big Shoulders drop to its knees with laughter and is possibly the funniest thing I've heard yet. Anyway, here's how it all went down: DJ: "Hey! This is Edgar on WBAM. Have you ever heard of 'Mate Match'?" Contestant: (laughing) "Yes, I have." DJ: "Great! Then you know we're giving away a trip to Orlando, Florida if you win. What is your name? First only please." Contestant: "Brian." DJ: "Brian, are you married or what?" Brian: "Yes." DJ: "Yes? Does that mean you're married or you're what?" Brian: (laughing nervously) "Yes, I am married." DJ: "Thank you. Now, what is your wife's name? First only please." Brian: "Sara." DJ: "Is Sara at work, Brian?" Brian: "She is gonna kill me." DJ: "Stay with me here, Brian! Is she at work?" Brian: (laughing) "Yes, she's at work." DJ: "Okay, first question - when was the last time you had sex?" Brian: "She is gonna kill me." DJ: "Brian! Stay with me here!" Brian: "About 8 o'clock this morning." DJ: "Atta boy, Brian." Brian: (laughing sheepishly) "Well..." DJ: "Question #2 - How long did it last?" Brian: "About 10 minutes." DJ: "Wow! You really want that trip, huh? No one would ever have said that if a trip wasn't at stake." Brian: "Yeah, that trip sure would be nice." DJ: "Okay. Final question. Where did you have sex at 8 o'clock this morning?" Brian: (laughing hard) "I, ummm, I, well..." DJ: "This sounds good, Brian. Where was it at?" Brian: "Not that it was all that great, but her mom is staying with us for a couple of weeks..." DJ: "Uh huh..." Brian: "...and the Mother-In-Law was in the shower at the time." DJ: "Atta boy, Brian." Brian: "On the kitchen table." DJ: "Not that great?? That is more adventure than the previous hundred times I've done it. Okay folks, I will put Brian on hold, get this wife's work number and call her up. You listen to this." 3 minutes of commercials follow. DJ: "Okay audience, let's call Sarah, shall we?" touch tones.....ringing....) Clerk: "Kinkos." DJ: "Hey, is Sarah around there somewhere?" Clerk: "This is she. DJ: "Sarah, this is Edgar with WBAM. We are live on the air right now and I've been talking with Brian for a couple of hours now." Sarah: (laughing) "A couple of hours?" DJ: "Well, a while now. He is on the line with us. Brian knows not to give any answers away or you'll lose. Sooooooo... do you know the rules of 'Mate Match'?" Sarah: "No." DJ: "Good!" Brian: (laughing) Sarah: (laughing) "Brian, what the hell are you up to?" Brian (laughing) "Just answer his questions honestly, okay? Be completely honest." DJ: "Yeah yeah yeah. Sure. Now, I will ask you 3 questions, Sarah. If your answers match Brian's answers, then the both of you will be off to Orlando, Florida for 5 days on us. Disney World. Sea World. Tickets to the Magic's game. The whole deal. Get it Sarah?" Sarah: (laughing) "Yes." DJ: "Alright. When did you last have sex, Sarah?" Sarah: "Oh God, Brian....uh, this morning before Brian went to work." DJ: "What time?" Sarah: "Around 8 this morning." DJ: "Very good. Next question. How long did it last?" Sarah: "12, 15 minutes maybe." DJ: "Hmmmm. That's close enough. I am sure she is trying to protect his manhood. We've got one last question, Sarah. You are one question away from a trip to Florida. Are you ready?" Sarah: (laughing) "Yes." DJ: "Where did you have it?" Sarah: "OH MY GOD, BRIAN!! You didn't tell them that, did you?" Brian: "Just tell him, honey." DJ: "What is bothering you so much, Sarah?" Sarah: "Well..." DJ: Come on Sarah.....where did you have it? Sarah: "Up the arse....." After a long pause, the DJ said, "Folks, we need to take a station break"
Posts: 63,424

09-25-2008, 12:28 PM	#19
luv MY LITTLE #15 Join Date: Dec 2004 Location: Springfield, MO Casino cash: $6289600	I Just Want You To Hold Me I never have quite figured out why the sexual urges of men & women differ so much. I never have figured out the whole Mars & Venus thing. I never have figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart. I never yet have figured out how the sexual desire gene gets thrown into a state of turmoil, when the words "I do" are heard. One evening last week, my wife and I got into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me." I said, "WHAT??" So she says the words that I and every husband on the planet dread. She explains that I'm obviously not in tune with her emotional needs as a "Woman." I'm thinking, "What was her first clue?" I finally realize that nothing is going to happen that night, so I went to bed. The very next day we went shopping at a big department store... I walked around while she tried on three very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her to take all three of them. She then tells me that she wants matching shoes worth $200 each to which I say OK. Then we go to the Jewelry Dept. where she gets a set of diamond earrings. Let me tell you ... she was so excited. She must have thought that I was one wave short of a shipwreck, but I don't think she cared. I think she was testing me when she asked for a tennis bracelet because she doesn't even play tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I told her that it was OK. She was almost sexually excited from all of this and you should have seen her face when she said, "I'm ready to go, let's go to the cash register." I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No, honey. I don't feel like buying all this stuff now." You should have seen her face ... It went completely blank. I then said, "Really honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while." Just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, "You obviously are not in tune with my financial need as a "Man."
Posts: 63,424

09-25-2008, 12:30 PM	#20
luv MY LITTLE #15 Join Date: Dec 2004 Location: Springfield, MO Casino cash: $6289600	A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time. Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. The pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex. At the cashregister, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all. That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!" The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down. 10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious." The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist."
Posts: 63,424

09-25-2008, 12:54 PM	#21
Simply Red You Sweetie! Join Date: Sep 2005 Casino cash: $2021206219 VARSITY	luv, you get some ***ed up emails. Last edited by Simply Red; 09-25-2008 at 01:02 PM..*
Posts: 71,691

09-25-2008, 12:56 PM	#22
Buck Take a Chill Pill Join Date: Nov 2006 Location: South Carolina Casino cash: $8329900	I got this one this morning. Its a little amusing Who Has Better Friends? Men or Women ... Friendship among Women: A woman didn't come home one night. The next morning she told her husband that she had slept over at a friend's house. The man called his wife's 10 best friends. None of them knew anything about it. Friendship among Men: A man didn't come home one night. The next morning he told his wife that he had slept over at a friend's house. The woman called her husband's 10 best friends. Eight confirmed that he had slept over, and two said he was still there
Posts: 44,562

09-25-2008, 01:46 PM	#23
Monty Award Winning Tailgater Join Date: Aug 2000 Casino cash: $2391570	I just got this one: ----------------- One day, a long, long time ago ....... there lived a woman who did not whine, nag or bitch. But this was a long time ago....... and it was just that one day. The End
Posts: 3,904

09-25-2008, 04:04 PM	#25
Hammock Parties I'll be back. Join Date: Nov 2002 Casino cash: $4800478	I'd **** a chick with a glass eye. Hell, two glass eyes. And a pegleg.
Posts: 277,462

09-25-2008, 04:13 PM	#26
Thig Lyfe Banned Join Date: Jan 2004 Location: Thigpen's America Casino cash: $10004900	Awesome thread. Now all this shit can go in one place and I don't have to see them ever again.
Posts: 25,680

09-25-2008, 04:18 PM	#27
JuicesFlowing Losing with passion. Join Date: Sep 2007 Location: Oblivion Casino cash: $10004925	So this many people have actually READ forwarded e-mails? I delete ANYYTHING that has been forwarded.
Posts: 4,399

09-25-2008, 05:53 PM	#30
Bugeater The Maintenance Guy Join Date: Sep 2005 Location: Renovated Bugeater Estate Casino cash: $6252680	Just got this gem today: Tough Love vs. Spanking - Good Argument Most of the American populace thinks it improper to spank children, so I have tried other methods to control my kids when they have one of 'those moments.' One that I found effective is for me to just take the child for a car ride and talk. Some say it's the vibration from the car, others say it's the time away from any distractions such as TV, Video Games, Computer, IPod, etc. Either way, my kids usually calm down and stop misbehaving after our car ride together. Eye to eye contact helps a lot too. I've included a photo below of one of my sessions with my son, in case you would like to use the technique. Sincerely, Your Friend PS - This works with grandchildren, nieces,and nephews as well.
Posts: 70,443