Sorry this happened to you. A different perspective on grief and religion. I don't want to offend anyone, but sometimes the religious struggle with not being able to grieve fully because they must hope for a reunion. A non believer accepts the finality and has no reservations about mourning the tragedy of the loss.
It sounds like, despite the pain, this is changing you in a good way. I lost my father at a young age and was a much more empathetic person as a result. These are consolations to bear in mind, while acknowledging that as highly conscious beings we do and will suffer great loss as we age. Best wishes.
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