Consuming CP souls
Join Date: Oct 2005
Location: U.S.A.
Casino cash: $2158880
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57. Discuss Thrower
Spoiler!
Okay, so the name is obviously a pun between a discuss and the word "discuss." Yeah, it doesn't work very well. "Discuss" just isn't a word that people tend to mess up on. It's not even a common typo. Outside of kcnut, ROYC75, or royr17, people are rarely that bad. The riff just isn't riff-worthy. Now if Discuss Thrower instead chose to make a desert/dessert pun in his username, that'd be a different story.
But what if that's not the angle? What if he's just playfully mixing the two words around? As one throws a discus, why can't they also throw up a discussion into the air? Ending each OP in a started thread with DISCUS seems to point to this as the story behind the username.
If that's the case, then wow... that's ****ing stupid. I thought Discuss Thrower got his Masters in Literature or something like that. People who are that well-read are usually wittier than Paula ****ing Poundstone. With a joke name as bad as that, it wouldn't surprise me if he agrees with Saccopoo about Moby Dick being the best book ever written.
"Discuss" Thrower? That doesn't even make ****ing sense. Discussion Thrower is what you're looking for. I get that then the connection to discus is removed, but that's not my problem. Why? BECAUSE IT NEVER SHOULD HAVE BEEN MADE IN THE FIRST ****ING PLACE. If he's looking for toss-up ideas to relate to a discus, try looking for a pun that has to do with poop. Throwing poop at the wall. That's what he should have referenced. Because that's what he does.
Also, his "discuses" (HAHA ****ING HILARIOUS RITE?) are usually pretty awful. Take his last one as an example. What if the Chiefs had traded for Tony Gonzalez for 2013? Uhh... I don't know... unicorns would piss antifreeze? God, that question just reeks of the ivory tower he's been living in for the past few years (and I should know, because that's where I work). I'm anxiously awaiting his next thread about deconstructionism in the head coaching tenure of Todd Haley and if you think his coaching decisions lend themselves to latent smoldering homosexual urges buried deep within him.
56. petez28
Spoiler!
Pete Gas was the worst wrestler in the most ridiculous stable ever conjured from the Dianabol-fueled brain of Vince McMahon. It’s fitting that the roasted dumbass shares his name with an utterly forgettable ****wagon of suck.
Pete Gas hates refs. Pete Gas hates everything else, too, including you and this sentence.
Pete Gas makes you re-evaluate your own priorities and moral code. Alas, Pete Gas is not Socrates, just a pile of mis-matched neurons so mangled that it makes you wonder how you could support something he does. Pete is a walking counterargument for all he hates.
Pete Gas makes you want to shit in your mouth because he uses a toilet bowl.
When you argue with Pete you’re left explaining that home teams get preferential calls in college basketball and that, although a driving player’s sweat may have sprayed upon the brow of a defender, sloshing perspiration does not equate to a missile dropkick, and thus no offensive foul.
When you argue with Pete Gas about the Royals, you are left defending Ned Yost at times. No, Gas did not execute a rhetorical trap—it’s just not possible to bitch about everything someone does all the time.
But before you hate on Pete Gas too much, remember this.
In 1995, Mr. Gas was younger, thinner, and still just as dull. He had just finished a short tour of the bar circuit in Jasper, Missouri as a roadie for a Collective Soul cover band. He took the sawbuck and vertebral subluxation for hauling their amps, slapped on his LA Lights, and went to a local spank shack on the side of I-49. On his way behind the black curtain, before he could drop in his first quarter to see the local dwarf scrog a burro behind Plexiglas, there he saw her: his mother on the cover of Internal Reamplay 4: Painting the Lines, featuring Jerry Markbright, Jerome Bogar, and Jeff Triplette.
Before you pillory Gas too much, remember that your mom has not sucked semen and fecal matter out of her own ass, blowing bubbles with it on VHS-C so she could score a gelcap of he’ron. Although you may have done it yourself if you’re beach tribe.
Although that may excuse his hatred for the zebra set, there is no proper penance for someone with the worst taste of anyone who has dragged digital ass across this server.
Pete Gas misses the Arch Deluxe
Pete Gas drinks Shasta, even though he can afford Hee Haw
Pete Gas believes Michael Bay is a visionary.
Pete Gas wants you to buy a WiiU, too.
Pete Gas has a sick collection of HD-DVD.
Pete Gas has a sixer of Steel Reserve in the wine cooler for a special
occasion.
Pete Gas had all the members of Nickelback sign his autobiography of Scott Stapp
Pete Gas dresses up as Robin Thicke when he is role-playing with his wife, who wears an Obama mask. Don’t judge a hate-****.
Pete Gas’s favorite character on The Wire was Lt. Marimow and he hated Slim Charles.
But worst of all, Pete Gas makes you wish you were from Kansas.
55. Halfcan
Spoiler!
Here is a simple man with simple tastes. Not many interesting wrinkles to this guy. I suppose his preference for battered women is kind of interesting, but I would categorize that as more sad than interesting.
Former n00b of the year? Is that interesting? Not really. I mean, crazycoffey won one for ****'s sake, and Inmem is forever distraught that he lost to Sorter.
A huge flaming Chiefs homer? Mediocre English skills? Getting really ****ing jacked up and excited for The Expendables 2?
What can I really say about him? He's BigChiefDave minus 20 or 30 IQ points.
He's Dayze without the wit or the unemployment checks.
He's HogFarmer without the boar jizz.
He's the male version of luv. He's Reerun KC's evil twin brother.
He's Halfcan.
54. Deberg_1990
Spoiler!
Let's talk about salad.
Let's talk about popcorn.
Let's talk about country music.
No, wait... let's talk about pop country music.
Let's post the dumbest shit imaginable like this and this and also this.
Let's rack up 49,000 posts and be remembered only for the completely ****ing awful and boring shit you ever post.
Let's get made fun of by that n00b Big Smoke and have everybody join in on the fun.
Let's keep our football opinions shitty, vague, and boring, and let's never argue a side.
Let's post weird news stories that nobody ****ing cares about. More than gblowfish does, even.
Actually, let's not. Those sound like terrible ****ing ideas. I hope nobody actually does that shit. What a ****ing loser that guy must be.
53. Katipan
Spoiler!
What really happened to Mr Blond?
How many different varieties of illegal drugs does joey do?
Is rico gay or just happy to see you?
Chiefs Planet is full of unsolved mysteries that lurk within its archives. Today we examine a concerning set of circumstances that involve the near entire disappearance of one of Chiefs Planet's greatest treasures: ENDelt260.
Before the forum knew the posting power of GoChiefs, there was ENDelt. His post count soared into the tens of thousands within the first few months of joining Chiefs Planet, each post hilarious and high quality and written in a drunken stupor. Everybody who knew him loved him.
Like all great men, however, ENDelt had a weakness for women. And unlike the other posters who post on Chiefs Planet to get away from their wives, ENDelt was drawn deeper and deeper into his squeeze until his posting dropped from the face of the earth, becoming as infrequent as Gaz's occasional day visits.
It is here that we investigate the woman behind this disappearance: Katipan. As rare as it is to encounter women on this forum, Katipan is a breed unto herself. Unlike Jenny Gump, she doesn't post here entirely to socialize with her husband's internet friends. Unlike luv, she isn't here for internet sex. Unlike tommykat, she's not an Alzheimer's patient who found the computer terminal at her nursing care facility. She came here for ENDelt, but stayed for... socializing with middle-aged bald dudes with goatees?
Some say ENDelt got a sex change and became Katipan. Others say Katipan killed ENDelt but now she misses all the times ENDelt would talk about Chiefs Planet during sex. Numerous theories exist, but no answers have yet to assert themselves as the likely explanation.
52. Dayze
Spoiler!
Dayze is everybody's crazy uncle. No, not the kind that hands out free dicksicles to Black Bobs. No, not the teedubya kind that believes Scott Pioli has poisoned everybody's drinking water with fluoride. And no, not the awkward Deberg kind that can only ever make small talk about the weather at family gatherings. I'm talking about the kind that always has a zinger in his back pocket, even if it's just a small one. The kind that will hide a penis joke in a conversation with his 5-year old niece. That kind.
The guy is really funny. He should consider a career as a standup comic. Just get together a list of jokes and BOOM he's got an act. And what with being unemployed, he's got plenty of time to spend at home and go **** himself. Err... I mean organize his joke set. And wouldn't that be cool? Ol' Uncle Dayze... fired for laughing at Lemon Party jokes on Chiefs Planet while at work... now opening for The Amazing Johnathan at the Motel 6 in Sioux City! Isn't that kind of cool?
51. chiefzilla1501
Spoiler!
Chiefzilla is one of the friendliest football talkers on this forum.
And everybody ****ing hates his guts.
It's incredible. I've never seen a dedicated football poster NOT want to gouge this guy's eyes out. From all across the Chiefs fan spectrum, too. Drafturbators hate him. Milkman despises him. A balanced take guy like TheBadGuy hates him, too. BigChiefDave and Marcellus also hate him. JASONSAUTO really ****ing hates him, but that's because he doesn't exactly have a positive history with things named "zilla."
It's probably because he straddles the line between True Fan and Drafturbator like Hootie getting ready to teabag an unconscious college girl. He'll go from "Alex Smith is a limited player and needs a lot of help from his team, and the Chiefs just don't have the personnel to help him be successful" to "I heart Eric Fisher" at the drop of a goddamn hat. It's unnerving, unpredictable, and kind of scary, honestly.
Even I've been sparring with him recently over the Kevin Love trade, because his True Fan Cavs ass overvalues Andrew Wiggins. So now I also ****ing hate his guts.
**** Chiefzilla. I'm pretty sure he's a Nazi. He's probably hanging outside the Boulevard Brewery in Kansas City right now leading chants of HEIL HALEY with Crime Fighter.
50. notorious
Spoiler!
I don't know if I've said this before, but one of my favorite posters on this forum is the Talking Can. I love how abusive he is towards Laz. I love the shitty Cassel photoshop avatar he had for so long. I love how his grammar is just fine, but he refuses to use proper capitalization; it's like he just said, "This is dumb, so therefore I'm going to rape it." He's also responsible for possibly my all-time favorite post on Chiefs Planet ever. The idea of preventing mankind from ever existing just to make sure Scott Pioli and his family were never alive... it gives me the giggles every time I think of it.
Notorious is the cheaper "second wind" product that came out due to the success of the Talking Can. He does everything the Talking Can does and even comes with his own scary ****ed up cat avatar, but he's not the same. It looks and feels the same, but he's not quite hateful enough.
The result is an intelligent and fairly funny poster, but he's just isn't as sharp. He doesn't bruise vaginas the same way. If the two posters were overpriced kickstarter-funded coolers that make BigRedChief cream himself, notorious would be the one that doesn't come with the blender attachment or the phone charger.
49. keg in kc
Spoiler!
I'm only ranked 49? The listmaker must be my ex-wife. It wasn't enough that I naturally offend women with my self-described weight problem and jarring personality. That harpy had to ruin my life on the internet, too. Figures.
Honestly, I'm not sure how I should accept this. I used to post here all the time, but now I look around and I think, "Why bother?" Looking back on what this forum has become is like going back and watching some of the earlier seasons of Babylon 5, where the awful acting and shoddy early development stages of CGI just make you cringe and go, "I passed up an opportunity to date my co-worker's slightly attractive friend in 1995 to watch THIS?!" Shit. I mean, Claudia Christian was hot, but not hot enough to have obsessive dreams over. This is worse than the time I paid $50 to get NASA to name an asteroid after Terry Farrell with the hopes that she would go out with me.
Maybe I prefer it that way. I prefer to be a weird introvert in real life who draws comparisons to Comic Book Guy from the Simpsons. I should treat my internet friends the same way, especially since they're just going to stab me in the back. It's already happened. 49? I'm the 49th best poster on this place?
I'm not freaking out, or anything. I'm comfortable with who I am, even if people aren't able to understand me when I talk about myself. I'm just saying... the listmaker didn't make a very good case for why I chose not to kill myself after my divorce years ago.
At least I've still got my Stargate novels.
48. LoneWolf
Spoiler!
Just real quickly, I want to ask a question. Am I the only person who can't tell the difference between LoneWolf and TribalElder?
LoneWolf is a pretty smart guy. And by smart, I mean I've never seen him agree with Saccopoo about anything related to football or classic American literature. That could change, but for now, he's not entirely a dumbass.
I put that qualifier in there because of the identity he's chosen-- LoneWolf. On a Chiefs forum, that could mean multiple things: - It's a reference to the single occupancy hospital room that housed KC Wolf after he got raped in a bungee cord accident
- He wears a lot of XXXL black T-shirts depicting wolves howling at the moon with a forest scene in the background
- He has no friends
- He's referencing Zach Galafianakis' character from The Hangover
We can see from his avatar that his username is most likely a Hangover thing. And I find that to be a poor decision. You didn't see any usernames referring to The Waterboy on the old Star forum, did you? There's nothing timeless or unique about referencing a movie character from a trilogy that should have just stuck with the one film.
He should seriously consider changing it. Some of CP's greatest treasures became posting icons all because they went to Simply Red for a fashion makeover. Anybody remember Sidewinder? Giant dumbass, right? Well, that's not until he changed his name to milkman and got the Red Foreman avatar. Now he's even got a catch phrase ascribed to him! And remember that Rain Man for years was just Kevin. And of course, who can forget the schizophrenic jackass known as SDChiefsfan, who one night accidentally drank Tom Cash's radioactive urine and became the BucEyedPea for the Democrats in the DC Forum, Mr. Kotter!
That can be you, LoneWolf. Give it some thought.
47. vailpass
Spoiler!
AKA one of the Donk fans who posts here all the time.
No, not the cool one. That's listopencil.
No, not the tolerable one. That's MileHighMania.
No, not the inbred douchebag who masturbates at least four times a day to shows on the Disney Channel. That's Knowmo.
Yeah, the slightly alcoholic one. That's vailpass.
Once a vicious Donk troll, vailpass is now full of peace and love, brother. He cares about you and how you're doing. He'll laugh at your jokes and laugh at himself. He loves this forum, and while he will never root against his Donks, he feels sorry for the misery we Chiefs fans have had to endure after all these years. And because of that, he's willing to be easy-going and cool. "Hey, you guys like beer? I certainly do."
"Hey, anybody see How I Met Your Mother last night? Hilarious!"
"Hey, anybody else own a pool? See, I live in Arizona, so it's something my family can use to better stay cool and enjoy the outdoors. I just got a problem with the guy who came out to fix the filter the other day. He didn't speak any English, and from his condition, I could kind of tell that he's been through some rough conditions recently, like living in the middle of the desert while trying to illegally cross the border. And he came to my house in a van driven by these coloreds, and I could clearly tell that one of them was that black dude who walked deliberately slow at a cross walk a couple days ago when I was stopped at a stop sign. I saw him get out of the van to help Speedy Gonzalez with the pool, but the doofus had his own problems just keeping his goddamn pants on without showing the world his big black asscrack. I told him to wear a belt, because my kids were around and could probably see that dark side of the moon, but it's like he couldn't hear me. You'd think he'd be able to loud and clear with ears that enormous, so maybe he was just ignoring me. What's up with people of his kind, anyway? Do any of you ever have that happen to you?"
46. KC Tattoo
Spoiler!
Given KC Tattoo's butthurted response to the last time he got roasted, I'm going to do his roast in spoiler brackets. KC Tattoo, if you don't want to suffer the butthurt of last time, then just don't click on the spoiler tab. You'll be safe that way.
Okay, here it goes.
KC Tattoo matters a lot.
If I could reach out and hug KC Tattoo, I would
We should all call KC Tattoo our friend
KC Tattoo is #1
45. Iowanian
Spoiler!
I'd like to introduce a special guest to present the roast of Iowanian, the man who knows more ways to say "penis" than the entire Planet combined.
Please welcome skinbra!
Iranian bit OFF!! yuo mad i got hot gurl?
HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOCK!!!
heer Iranian spend day of wiht favrit ho
big d8 wiht gurlfrend SUCK wif get angry
Iranian dreem car
Iranian go best frend porker's hous watch cheefs loose!!!!!
Iranian u gay go suk goat
HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOCK!!!
44. duncan_idaho
Spoiler!
Proposed 2014 slogan: Nobody should like the Royals this much and not be an alcoholic who has gone through more than two divorces
Actual 2014 slogan: "You gotta love livin', cause dying is a pain in the ass." ---- Sinatra
A better, more accurate, or alternative slogan: Hey, at least he's not as boring as mylonsd
The 44th best poster of 2014 is also the 3rd best poster associated with Idaho, coming in behind Idaho_Chief'sChick (who could one day post nudies of her self) and Idahojim and his every-man-Chiefs-fan essays he used to write on kcchiefs.com in the Rufus Dawes days.
He also holds the distinction of "Most Unremarkable Poster" from 2007 and 2011. It's no coincidence that touting Idaho and its "FAMOUS POTATOES" in your username would also naturally make you a particularly boring person. In the same vein, duncan_idaho's tourist slogan could be "FAMOUS ROYALS REPOSITORY THREADS," because the only slightly interesting thing about duncan_idaho is that he really likes the Royals.
Burning Questions for 2014:
1) Will he ever get an avatar that matches the "M-I-Z-Z-O-U" tagline underneath his username?
Midseason check-in: Nope. Apparently not.
2) Will he ever change his username to accurately reflect that he no longer lives in Idaho?
Midseason check-in: Possibly. I think if he accidentally drank some absinthe and posted on the Planet, he might post something that a mod would actually read for once, and potentially they would change his username to reflect his new "exciting" behavior.
3) Can he reach 10,000 posts by 2015?
Midseason check-in: Barring another spirited yet dull argument with Hootie over Ned Yost's batting order, this looks pretty doubtful.
4) Can somebody please point to something interesting besides Royals threads that this guy wrote?
Midseason check-in: I'm serious. I remember him making quality football posts from time to time, but there's nothing in my memory that I can label him by. Even his roast is ****ing boring; I've been forced to make jokes about Idaho, Rufus Dawes, and potatoes!
5) Can SNR come up with 10 burning questions about duncan_idaho to complete the repository thread meme?
Midseason check-in: Nope. This is my last one. I'm done. I'm totally dry. I can't think of any more shit to write about this guy that doesn't suck worse than the stuff I've already written.
43. O.City
Spoiler!
O.City tends to make a lot of typos in his posts, which kind of leaves the reader feeling unbalanced. I don't know about everyone else, but when I see a dumbass like Reerun post something, it's like my brain instantly recognizes, "Okay, get ready to do some decoding, because this shit probably won't make any ****ing sense." Then I read through it and basically get the meaning of it.
On the other hand, O.City is an intelligent individual and knows how to actually speak English, so I don't do the same kind of preparation. I get to his smudged up words and have to pause a bit and re-read sometimes a couple times over. I think kcnut must have taught him how to type. That's probably it. I would certainly hope that a dentist would have a keener attention to detail and extremely precise motor reflexes.
Other than that, it's kind of hard to say bad stuff about this guy. I will say that in the glory months of the Geno Society, O.City was among the most loyal and active henchmen in the group. Then out of nowhere, he all of a sudden claimed to be THE Sheldon Richardson guy, even though DJ's Left Nut, Sorter, and a ton of other posters already beat him to the punch. He's got it good now. He not only gets to say, "Don't blame me; I wanted Richardson" but he also can distance himself from the blast radius of Laz's volcanic periods. I'd say that's kind of cheap, but it comes with his lifestyle. After all, he gets paid a comfortable amount of money to yell at 80% of people who don't floss after every meal.
42. Baby Lee
Spoiler!
How has this guy seen and heard EVERYTHING? He's always correcting people about actors in this and directors who worked on that. He keeps in touch with the most mundane of pop culture news. I mean, Christ, the guy had a ton of commentary in his thread on One Direction fans vs. The Who. Also, what is it with his obsession with Conan O'Brian? It's almost like he's actually Andy Richter.
Where does this dude find the ****ing time to consume all this media, work at a job, and also find time on the side to remember all the great makeup sex he used to have with Taco John?
Yadda yadda one of CP's most intelligent posters yadda yadda. Enough of this. Baby Lee probably won the lottery and spends all of his time in front of the TV and computer. Soaps in the morning, Conan at night, and reruns in between.
He now probably weighs 400 lbs. And the only exercise he gets is when Mr. Flopnuts asks him to make "family visits."
41. Reaper16
Spoiler!
Hey guess what? Did you know that there's more college football outside of Division I? Oh yeah! This shit is ****ing great, guys! You just have to get used to the unfamiliar assortment of schools and teams. It's practically the same thing!
Except the stadium environments. They all have tracks running around the field. Makes you feel like another terrible Saturday afternoon at Memorial Stadium in Lawrence.
And the mascots are really ****ing weird, but that's just something you have to get used to. It's just tradition, alright? The Eastern Alabama Institute for Massage Therapy Flaming Dildos proudly embrace the history behind the name, back when Dothan, AL was the country's leading manufacturer of flaming dildos as agricultural cultivators! It's not their fault that people now use them as raunchy sex toys!
The quality of football product is just as good! Dozens of them get cut from NFL training camp rosters every summer! And every once in awhile a school will see a star athlete who couldn't put down the goddamn crack pipe! So you see, it's just as good as the college football product that everybody watches!
Why, the Chiefs even drafted their only #1 overall pick in team history from Central Michigan, which isn't QUITE shitty enough to be a Division II school, but it's close!
....
Okay, I admit it. I'm a college instructor in Alabama, but I'm too much of a hipster to sell my soul to Auburn or yell ROLL TIDE! like a perpetually drunk hobo. Division II football is the only thing I have that allows me to wear thick-rimmed glasses without everybody thinking I'm gay.
40. scott free
Spoiler!
I'm using his original name here. Easy 6? WTF is that? It sounds like the name of a pier in San Francisco frequented by lonely freight boat crews who want something besides salty fat bearded fishermen. It's either that or he's paying homage to Ryan Succop, Bubby Brister, or... God, the Chiefs have had some shitty players wear the #6, haven't we? They're so shitty I'm pretty sure ol' scotty would rather go with the hot seamen action.
Anyway, I like scott free. He's folksy like philfree, but at least twice as smart (which doesn't say much, I suppose). He's also readily identifiable by his Hunt's tomato can avatar that he never changes, meaning even if he gets some stupid whim in his head and goes to the mods for a name change to "Easy 6", we don't have to acknowledge his desire for self-expression. I'm also pretty sure he's got some great ex-wife stories. It's a shame that nobody cares about scott free, because those ex-wife stories probably make for some great reading!
You know what makes him really awesome? He ****ing hates Cochise. Why? Nobody really knows. I disagree with Cochise on a lot of stuff, and his shitty attitude can get really annoying, but I don't really have a feud going with the guy. I can also respect him.
Not scott. No sir. It wouldn't surprise me in the least to one day see gblowfish posting a weird news story about two guys fighting a duel to the death with pistols in the Arrowhead parking lot.
And yes, that's awesome. Too many posters around here have no enemies. I'm talking about Rain Man. tk13. FAX. ****, even Gaz has milkman to hate on him. This new crop of n00bs that everybody likes? ThaVirus, Flybone, saphojunkie? Where are their enemies? Are we saying that these posters have never said anything to royally piss somebody off and make them turn into a hulking meathead? Shame on you, Chiefs Planet.
And kudos to you, scott free. **** Cochise and his well-liked bitch ass in the neck. Somebody has to be his Richie Incognito, and I'm glad it's you threatening to commit hate crimes on his entire family!
39. luv
Spoiler!
http://img2.timeinc.net/people/i/200...nell17_135.jpg
Is this Chiefsplanet or facebook? I can't tell. Especially with luv around. You know that luv will always let us know what is going on in her pathetic, perpetually single existence. Even if we don't ****ing care. Especially if we don't ****ing care. Nobody else does, so dammit, we're going to.
What's luv up to today? Is she being seduced into craptastic sexual rendezvous with dirtbags via shitty sports drinks? Who wouldn't be? Is she trying to dream that impossible dream of a Springfield Chiefs-watching get together to fill the gargantuan, lonely crater of a social void in her life? Always. Is she currently living her "working girl" dream and moving up in the corporate world by filing TPS reports and stapling things for lawyers? LAVERNE AND SHIRLEY AIN'T GOT NOTHING ON THIS GIRL. DOIN' IT HER WAY!!!!!
We all know the story of how luv found Chiefsplanet. One lonely night, surrounded by her cats, wearing a disgusting, unwashed nightie that could double as a bedsheet, hopped up on mountain dew and cheetos, she decided she was feeling "frisky." This was back when luv was a horrible hambeast (more on that epic ****ing tale of yo-yo dieting, tears and the inevitable skin sails later), so she decided to lower her standards since she hadn't been laid since high school.
Verily, she googled the following phrase: "fat, bald, goatee'd pervert."
Something about the Chiefs popped up. So luv, living in Springfield, the worst town in America (a perfect place for her), clicked. Maybe she could find a Chiefs loving guy with low standards! A real connection could be made.
Luv didn't know ANYTHING about football. Just that men liked it. So, she thought...if men like it, I could like it, and maybe they'd like me! The plot was hatched.
Luv logged on as "luv2rite" and quickly identified herself as a football-loving female. Instantly she was a huge hit with the horny, undersexed, white knights of Chiefsplanet. They wanted to teach her EVERYTHING about football.
So she learned a lot of stuff and annoyed us and showed up at tailgates and yes, she scored! MISSION ACCOMPLISHED! Endelt260 was so horrified by his sexual encounter with "pre-JennyCraig" luv that he has never returned to this place. His loss, because now luv is ONE SMOKIN' HOT BABE!
Did you know that? Did you know she lost weight? Yes, after years of trying, "luv2eat" turned into "luv2lift" and eventually "luv2phoenix." Verily, she has risen from the lard-covered ashes of her old life. It only took her 12 years and 10,000 blog entires about how THIS TIME she was going to finally lose weight. But she did, so good job, honey. We knew we could shame you into it.
Luv is really excited now. After figuring out that her personal trainer (the first male to give her regular attention since her dentist) was never going to **** her, she reactivated her OKCupid account and changed her body type to "curvy." Then she uploaded new photos of herself looking like an actual human being!
The messages flooded her inbox like velveeta used to flood down her gullet. The shopping spree for cute outfits was epic, though the nervous breakdown when she passed the big and tall section resulted in an embarrassing public scene. But never you mind! Black men everywhere wanted a piece of dat ass now. Luv felt like a woman again! And now it is her prerogative to have a little fun. Go totally crazy. Forget she's not a lady. Whoa oh oh!
Now she can finally find a man, get married, pop out some kids, get fat again, get divorced, inherit half of some poor bastard's life savings and start thinking about getting a dog, who WILL NEVER LEAVE HER.
And we'll hear all about it, I assure you. Luv will NEVER stop telling us about. Make sure you contribute at least $20 to her future kickstarter campaign to pay for her body contouring procedure, or luv will never realize her lifelong dream of wearing sleeveless garments.
38. OnTheWarpath58
Spoiler!
http://www.midwestsportsfans.com/wp-...commercial.jpg
If Chiefs Planet were a sitcom, OnTheWarpath58 would be a character played by a shitty actor nobody has ever heard of who gets written in to replace Mecca, who had to go to drug rehab and ended up quitting the show due to health/contract reasons. Yeah, he's Mecca-like and does some interesting and new things, but people nevertheless bitch incessantly about him. Then the show's ratings never go down and the character lasts insufferably for another 3-4 more seasons. At the end of the show's run, he ends up lasting longer than the original character.
That's what he is to the forum's drafturbater culture. Now let's meet the man behind the poster
OnTheWarpath58 is trying to one day rule the world by getting his degree. He funds this endeavor by working at McDonald's and telling customers to go **** themselves. Here's how we know this:
1) Only people with 8-5 jobs and families are busy. If OnTheWarpath58 has enough time on his hands to get in as many heated exchanges on Chiefs Planet as he does, he must not have a draining job or a family. Therefore, he lives in his mom's basement and is inferior to the people with terrible jobs, bitchy wives/ex-wives, and redneck hobbies.
2) He tells people on the internet to go kill themselves. If he did that in a real job, he'd get fired a lot. Therefore, he must not have a real job or a life or hobbies. He's completing Year 5 of his online nursing degree from the University of Phoenix and making Minecraft videos in his mom's basement
3) He hasn't been very fond of the decisions the Chiefs have made in the past 10 years to become as terrible as they are. Therefore, he's waiting until he gets promoted to assistant shift manager, he'll have enough money to complete the rest of his education and buy the Chiefs as well as the government. Laz will be forced to go into hiding until Black Johnbozo Spongedope can successfully lead LE RESISTANCE against Chiefs Planet tyranny. Only people with opinions think they should be an NFL GM or an owner.
4) His negative attitude about the Chiefs means he doesn't care about the team as much as the fans with miserable lives and marriages. He didn't show up at the San Diego game in 2010, he didn't make the trip to watch the Chiefs **** up against the Colts in their most recent playoff loss, and he has no friends. He just doesn't care about the Chiefs because he thought Scott Pioli was a cheap douchebag when it came to Bowe and Albert.
I think that about covers it. Now you all know.
37. Detoxing
Spoiler!
http://www.animalcorner.co.uk/reptil...hics/croc1.jpg
Detoxing is a miserable and wretched cancerous polyp on the anus of humanity.
He has no friends. At all. None.
It's not that people just ignore him, either. He has vicious haters. ThaVirus is one of them.
He's totally fine with killing a fellow Planeteer. He'd probably do it if given the opportunity.
Hell, he even APPRECIATES murderers themselves.
And if that weren't bad enough, he's one of those weirdos like Dayze who give off the impression that they're really into drugs and alcohol, but then post totally normal shit and never once mention addiction problems. It wouldn't surprise me if his normal behavior is a total cover-up high to doing Krokodil. Detoxing is a ****ed up individual.
I'm glad he didn't buy that haunted house. When he eventually Brianfos himself, he can haunt his current house and for once in his life be entertaining.
THERE. YOU ****ING HAPPY, HOOTIE?
36. Bugeater
Spoiler!
http://www.factzoo.com/sites/all/img...ter-tongue.jpg
I don't remember the exact post or thread, but he's actually indirectly responsible for my rape persona. There was this n00b who got separated from the herd and destroyed like a baby wildebeest. He was really excited about some stupid shit like Thigpen throwing for 300 yards or something like that. He started an entire thread about it. First response? Bugeater, who said, "Rape is funny." The n00b was appalled, and it's actually a top 10 laughter-inducing moment for me in my entire time at Chiefs Planet.
So I can't really be mean to Bugeater. His boyfriend Bowser would get pretty upset at me if I did. I know that's not really saying much-- Bowser is nothing more than a drunken jolly fat guy. Ever since Bugeater ditched his Clint Eastwood "Get off my lawn" avatar, he's really lost his edge. It was probably all a giant psychological compensation for his erectile dysfunction.
Still, I can't be too careful. Bugeater is also friends with joey for some odd reason. He enjoyed shitty time-wasting games like the Chiefs Planet arcade and Survivor Planet, but I'm pretty sure this is a real-life friendship. I think he took joey up on his offer and had sex with his mom, which is why the two are so close. And let me tell you, the last thing I need is a psychotic coked-up elf following me around sending me death threats. I got enough of that the last time I attended a soiree at Dane's house.
If all that weren't enough, Bugeater would probably summon billay and the other inbred Husker faithful to flame me with their most creative insults like "butthurt" and "fairy."
Definitely not someone I want to tweak.
35. Fire Me Boy!
Spoiler!
http://blogs.westword.com/cafesociet...i%20douche.jpg
Whatcha guys making tonight?
My wife's been working really hard lately and work has been stressing her out. I decided to do something nice tonight and make her favorite dish-- Fire Me Boy! flambé over an AIDS salad.
You'll need:
1 fresh douchebag, bone in
8 oz. all-natural hipster semen
1 can of Laz menstruation
2 scoops of gay
salt
pepper
Now, the tricky part is you gotta have a high-quality douchebag to pull this meal off correctly. If you want to be lazy by going to Walmart and picking up frozen LA Chieffan or even CoMoChief, be my guest, but don't blame me when your douchebag gets over-reeruned. The problem with frozen douchebags is that the stocking process dries out the fat and bald goatee cells, leaving no natural juices or flavors to circulate throughout the douchebag during the roasting process. Your douchebag should be fresh, white-skinned, and somewhere around its mid 30s-40s. The best Fire Me Boy! will think it's clever and witty like Rain Man, but in reality it has neither the intelligence nor the money. A good way to find out if it meets that standard is if it owns a cat and can't afford a BMW, so it instead drives a Miata. This one here looks just perfect.
Real Fire Me Boy! is smug and sanctimonious. You want it to be a grammar Nazi in a totally non-funny way. That's why we're going to let it marinate in its own douchiness. Coat it in the hipster semen and store it in a food thread for 2-3 months during the offseason. Now, I had to look up if Fire Me Boy! is a reference to anything, and it turns out it's a line from The Tick. That explains why hipster semen seems to give it that nice glossy douche finish.
Take it out of the food thread just in time for football season. When the Chiefs appear to be ripe for losing, go ahead and open the can of Laz menstruation by insulting Alex Smith and Eric Fisher. Add the blood to the douchebag and bake in the Media Center forum. When it starts talking to you about Akira Kurosawa films, take it out and set it aside in the Lounge for an hour. If you're patient enough, the douchebag should have mixed well with the hipster and Laz sauce at the bottom of the pan. Some really fine stupid cat stories are in that mixture, so save it!
I like to make a reduction out of it. It brings out all the unlikable traits of the douche that way. I can just picture the Fire Me Boy! pointing out all the missed commas in this very post! Mmmm. Then toss in the two scoops of gay to the reduction, and voila! Your AIDS salad is done! Just top it with the slices of douchebag.
Serves the 4-6 dumbasses who will comment, "I like Fire Me Boy! He's a good dude!" in this thread.
34. Hootie 2.0
Spoiler!
http://www.nndb.com/people/453/000025378/bsaget2-sm.jpg
Hootie's had his problems with people on this forum. He even made frazod go ****ing crazy (okay... craziER) and invent that horrifically unfunny Pootie ranking system. How could that even happen? Let's look at his history. It's basically a long chronology of douchebag activities from a college dropout who still wants to be a giant bro:
- Hootie ****ing loved Damon Huard the year he filled in for Trent Green's concussion.
- Hootie twice ditched my fantasy football draft in a league with DJ's Left Nut, NZoner, Sofa King, Pestilence, Mr Flopnuts, OTW58, and numerous other elite CP socialites. So he could go ****ing bowling.
- He acquired Ritalin so he could get paid to do an all-nighter and write a paper for a college buddy of his.
- Multiple times.
- While he was writing the paper, he would also spend time on Chiefs Planet talking about it.
- He bragged about how good he was at waiting on people at restaurants. How he never once misplaced an order and didn't even use notepads. Apparently that's how you got 20%+ tips from cougars.
- He also bragged about how funny his friends thought he was.
- Something about revealing billay's personal information on Chiefs Planet? I mean, it's billay so who cares, but it's still kind of a douche move.
- Trying to pay his way back onto the Planet. ****, that's a new one. I don't think GoChiefs even tried that one back when he was Eric Draven/Mr. T-Rex
I think that about covers the list. I can't think of anything else that makes him a douchebag.
Well, there's also this other rumor that surrounded him awhile ago. The one that goes something like... HOOTIE HAD SEX WITH A DRUNK AND PASSED OUT GIRL, WHICH IS BASICALLY RAPE.
But did that really happen? Is that the real story? Do any of you have evidence of this occurring? Has he even admitted that he HAD SEX WITH A DRUNK AND PASSED OUT GIRL, WHICH IS BASICALLY RAPE?
If you're going to tell me that HOOTIE HAD SEX WITH A DRUNK AND PASSED OUT GIRL, WHICH IS BASICALLY RAPE, then you better have some damn good evidence to support it. Those are bold claims you're making.
Hootie's my friend, and you can't just come in here all, "Hey SNR, HOOTIE HAD SEX WITH A DRUNK AND PASSED OUT GIRL, WHICH IS BASICALLY RAPE!" I won't allow it, and nor will I listen to it. Because even if it's true that HOOTIE HAD SEX WITH A DRUNK AND PASSED OUT GIRL, WHICH IS BASICALLY RAPE, he's a big enough Chiefs Planet celebrity that he should be our Jameis Winston.
You all don't have any evidence, and the authorities haven't taken action on anything. Nobody probably even remembers this incident of discussion that came up awhile ago. So as far as you're all concerned, it is completely false that HOOTIE HAD SEX WITH A DRUNK AND PASSED OUT GIRL, WHICH IS BASICALLY RAPE.
Last edited by Bearcat; 11-13-2014 at 08:34 PM..
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