Funny things your pet would say to you?
 

If your pet could talk, What would some of your best " WTF" moments be like ?

They'd tell me that I seem nice.

Stop jerking off in front of me.

...The Chiefs should have taken Deshaun Watson...

You should try scraping your ass on the driveway. Feels so good

You keep ****ing Mom the same way I **** the neighbors mutt

“Dumbass”

Have you seen my balls? You took me somewhere, I took a nap, and when I woke up they were gone. Wtf?

You're a lousy lay.

"You can't lick your balls? You poor bastard!"

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My anus has touched every surface area in this house

Milkman approves of this message.

RIP

Quit licking her ASS

ohiloveyouohiloveyou

feed me.

NOW.

Have you tried the cat poop with sprinkles? Delicious!

"Okay, I get it, the pussy's good...now for ****'s sake, take me on a walk so I can drop a dune!"

Seriously now, how do you do that doorknob thing?

FLUSH

why's it take you so long to take a shit

"Do you like the taste of your crotch also?"

why do you clean all my sticks, cattails, dead moles, and other good stuff off the front porch every evening? you know i'm going to have to spend the whole day tomorrow dragging a new bunch of goodies back up there again!

That poop isn't going to harvest itself, karen

( the Geico lizard ) Awh come on mate ,you have done this shit before!
You know how it always turns out!

Excerpts from a Dog's Diary......

8:00 am - Dog food! My favorite thing!
9:30 am - A car ride! My favorite thing!
9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favorite thing!
10:30 am - Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!
12:00 PM - Lunch! My favorite thing!
1:00 PM - Played in the yard! My favorite thing!
3:00 PM - Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!
5:00 PM - Milk bones! My favorite thing!
7:00 PM - Got to play ball! My favorite thing!
8:00 PM - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favorite thing!
11:00 PM - Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!

Excerpts from a Cat's Daily Diary. ..

Day 983 of my captivity.
My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects.

They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength.

The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In another attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet.

Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a 'good little hunter' I am. Bastards.

There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of 'allergies.' I must learn what this means and how to use it to my advantage.

Today I was almost successful in another attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow -- but at the top of the stairs.

I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches. The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released - and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously reeruned.

The bird has got to be an informant. I observe him communicating with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe. For now................

Why do make me eat so many peanut butter popsicles?

Had a dog that figured out how to get inside with this style of door knob... tried to teach it to close the damn door on the way in (you weren't raised in a barn), but it never took.


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Why do you use your paw instead of just licking it like everyone else?

As a child, I had a cat who would ring the doorbell. I never figured out if it was intentional or accidental, because he would jump up on a narrow brick ledge next to the door, and the doorbell was pretty much at that height. So it's possible that he would accidentally ring it because he'd be turning around and pacing on that ledge, but I think he learned that ringing it would bring us to the door.

Why must you fart every time I sit on your lap?

Every time you pick up my poop it's obvious who is in charge

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"Dude, WTF?"

My lab figured out the round doorknob... he used his mouth to turn it. I had to start leaving it locked. It still bears his marks. He, also, didnt shut the door behind him.

Now he does, but he gave up opening the door a while ago, but he always pushes the door closed with me when he comes in.

Noisiest dog too. Crazy variety of whines, squeals, barks, and grunts. I've told him to be quiet so much he knows exactly what quiet means. Plus they mean things. He practically already does talk.

What would he ask me?

'Why are YOU eating steak and I'm eating this shit?'

Owner: Hey guess what, You got to be good because I'm taking you to this new doggie spa, they have plenty of rooms for doggy boarding. Dude, you get to meet other doggy dudes and some really cute doggy babes! ( Owner drops him off at the local Vet.) Two days later .........

Dog says to the owner: You sick, obscene, despicable, basturd . After you left me there to get pampered, this song came on the radio! It played over and over and over, it was
frigg'n non stop. The people were nice, they were petting me, loving on me and then somehow I fell asleep. When I woke up from my nap, " my ****ing balls were gone ". Some sick bastard cut my nuts off! Like WTF, Ya know, This frigg'n hurts! Why did they do that! Are they planning on eating them? I ask because while I was here I herd some cows talking about losing their nuts!

Song on the radio
I used to be such a sweet, sweet thing
'Til they got a hold of me.
I opened doors for little old ladies,
I helped the blind to see.
I got no friends 'cause they read the papers.
They can't be seen with me and I'm gettin' real shot down
And I'm feeling mean.
No more Mister Nice Guy,
No more Mister Clean,
No more Mister Nice Guy,
They say he's sick, he's obscene.
I got no friends 'cause they read the papers.
They can't be seen with me and I'm feelin' real shot down
And I'm gettin' mean.
No more Mister Nice Guy,
No more Mister Clean,
No more Mister Nice Guy,
They say he's sick, he's obscene.
My dog bit me on the leg today.
My cat clawed my eyes.
Ma's been thrown out of the social circle,
And dad has to hide.
I went to church incognito.
When everybody rose, the Reverend Smith,
He recognized me,
And punched me in the nose, he said.
No more Mister Nice Guy,
No more Mister Clean,
No more Mister Nice Guy,
He said you're sick, you're obscene.
No more Mister Nice Guy,
No more Mister Clean,
No more Mister Nice Guy,
He said you're sick, you're obscene.

Owner tells dog: We had to get you fixed! Dude, it's called being nueterd!

Dog :And here I thought I got drunk, partied too much and just lost my balls! So lookey here you sick obscene bastard,! They showed me how to eat with the silverware. yep, and that includes knives! I know where you sleep every night you ruthless son of a bitch because I am No More Mr. Nice Guy!

“An ew sop abbin’ my ung ackath”

what? why? you let the cat get on the counter...