Have you tried the cat poop with sprinkles? Delicious!

"Okay, I get it, the pussy's good...now for ****'s sake, take me on a walk so I can drop a dune!"

Seriously now, how do you do that doorknob thing?

FLUSH

why's it take you so long to take a shit

"Do you like the taste of your crotch also?"

why do you clean all my sticks, cattails, dead moles, and other good stuff off the front porch every evening? you know i'm going to have to spend the whole day tomorrow dragging a new bunch of goodies back up there again!

That poop isn't going to harvest itself, karen

( the Geico lizard ) Awh come on mate ,you have done this shit before!
You know how it always turns out!

Excerpts from a Dog's Diary......

8:00 am - Dog food! My favorite thing!
9:30 am - A car ride! My favorite thing!
9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favorite thing!
10:30 am - Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!
12:00 PM - Lunch! My favorite thing!
1:00 PM - Played in the yard! My favorite thing!
3:00 PM - Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!
5:00 PM - Milk bones! My favorite thing!
7:00 PM - Got to play ball! My favorite thing!
8:00 PM - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favorite thing!
11:00 PM - Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!

Excerpts from a Cat's Daily Diary. ..

Day 983 of my captivity.
My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects.

They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength.

The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In another attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet.

Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a 'good little hunter' I am. Bastards.

There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of 'allergies.' I must learn what this means and how to use it to my advantage.

Today I was almost successful in another attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow -- but at the top of the stairs.

I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches. The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released - and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously reeruned.

The bird has got to be an informant. I observe him communicating with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe. For now................

Why do make me eat so many peanut butter popsicles?

Had a dog that figured out how to get inside with this style of door knob... tried to teach it to close the damn door on the way in (you weren't raised in a barn), but it never took.


https://s.yimg.com/aah/dlawlesshardw...s-wl2810-2.gif

Why do you use your paw instead of just licking it like everyone else?

As a child, I had a cat who would ring the doorbell. I never figured out if it was intentional or accidental, because he would jump up on a narrow brick ledge next to the door, and the doorbell was pretty much at that height. So it's possible that he would accidentally ring it because he'd be turning around and pacing on that ledge, but I think he learned that ringing it would bring us to the door.

Why must you fart every time I sit on your lap?