Movies and TV Why "The Goonies" is bullshit [Archive]

Hammock Parties

03-03-2010, 01:10 AM

Awesome.

http://img.waffleimages.com/bd1bfc0d6cb7529a76bb908af367b0fd585da109/the_goonies6.jpg

So, here is my gripe with the movie.

The story behind the movie is that some kids find a pirate ship that belonged to the legendary One Eyed Willy in Astoria, Oregon. Then they must find some treasure on the pirate ship in order to save the dying area in which they live from some greedy white guys who want to build a golf course where their homes used to be. So in a race against time they hunt for pirate treasure while some Italian mob stereotypes chase them to get the tresure as well. Also one of the kids befriends a big gigantic retard with a melted face who is part of the villains family.

1. Why would a pirate be in Astoria? In the story, the pirate One Eyed Willy stole treasure from the English, got chased by the English navy, then had a epic battle at Astoria where near sinking he fled into a cave and was presumed dead. The name, One Eyed Willy, I can assume he is an English pirate? Hypothetically, if that is true, he was traitor to his own country after robbing some treasury, fled across the world to the pacific side of North America in the middle of nowhere at the time. Of all the places, why Astoria? Wouldn't that be ridiculous to get near only having one ship?

http://i.imgur.com/X0css.jpg

2. Why would the English army chase a man that far with only one boat of treasure? I mean, damn, did he rob the crown jewels or something? Kidnap the queen? Nah, he just stole one boat full of loot and started sailing away. Would it be worth sending the whole navy across the world just to smoke one dude with a crappy name? I mean, Oregon? Really? Let's say they did chase him all the way down, why the hell would they go all the way down there, do a half-ass job arresting him, and give up after he sailed into a cave. I mean, damn, if you are on the water for so many months chasing one guy you would think that it would be best if with all that time wasted to try to get the loot back. Why did they have to send the whole Navy?

3. In the movie, the children discover the location of the Pirate ship from a Spanish Map. Are we to assume that One Eyed Willy was a Spanish pirate? If he aligned with Spain, why the hell did he go all the way to the pacific ocean for an escape instead of going back to Spain? Why would a Spanish pirate be called one eyed willy? How did his boat even make it there?!

4. In the Inferno (Willy's ship), he has tons of Doubloons. If he stole from the English, why would they have a mass horde of Doubloons?

5. In the movie, the villains have a retard with super human strength who they chain to a wall. Why would they even bother dragging him around if they hate him so much, feed him garbage, and chain him to various basements? They seem to have the moral fiber to be able to kill children, so what is stopping them from killing a big hulking window lickin' tard who screams all the time?

6. The entrance to the cave is hidden because some asshole build a cafe in the middle of nowhere on a cliff next to the sea. How is that good business sense? Like... "Hey hunny, let's start a restaurant? Yeah, inside town? Heh... that's retarded. Let's instead build it like 15 miles outside of town past a forest next to a cliff. Yeah. People will come all over for that. Oh, and let's make the place disgusting as hell and put in the biggest basement possible."

tk13

03-03-2010, 01:49 AM

More importantly, these kids most likely went to the same school John Kimble taught at in Kindergarten Cop. In that movie, the principal clearly states she's been doing this for a long time. There's no way she would've put up with these punk kids.

And most importantly, what happened to Sloth? You don't see him at all in Kindergarten Cop. Did Chunk move? Surely they still lived there. You think if Kimble would've run into a giant deformed Sloth running around town it certainly would've been worthy of mention in the movie.

And don't forget in between all this chaos, a little robot named Johnny 5 ran away to Astoria and caused big problems. There was a 5 year period where Astoria was really hopping, I think it is perfectly logical that a pirate might have landed there. It may have very well been a central point in the entire space time continuum, or perhaps it is all just a giant coincidence.

007

03-03-2010, 01:50 AM

What the hell brought this up?

007

03-03-2010, 01:51 AM

More importantly, these kids most likely went to the same school John Kimble taught at in Kindergarten Cop. In that movie, the principal clearly states she's been doing this for a long time. There's no way she would've put up with these punk kids.

And most importantly, what happened to Sloth? You don't see him at all in Kindergarten Cop. Did Chunk move? Surely they still lived there. You think if Kimble would've run into a giant deformed Sloth running around town it certainly would've been worthy of mention in the movie.

And don't forget in between all this chaos, a little robot named Johnny 5 ran away to Astoria and caused big problems. There was a 5 year period where Astoria was really hopping, I think it is perfectly logical that a pirate might have landed there. It may have very well been a central point in the entire space time continuum, or perhaps it is all just a giant coincidence.Keep 5 alive!!!!!

tymania

03-03-2010, 09:11 AM

It’s a kids movie.. come on.. No one said its based on true facts did they?

Demonpenz

03-03-2010, 09:15 AM

Why was that one dude so ripped, everyone knows the soloflex-type machine that he was using doesn't provide enough negative resistence to really blast his triceps.

DMAC

03-03-2010, 10:11 AM

http://madebygeeks.com/blog/wp-content/uploads/2009/05/truffle-shuffle.gif

Valiant

03-03-2010, 09:15 PM

Awesome.

http://img.waffleimages.com/bd1bfc0d6cb7529a76bb908af367b0fd585da109/the_goonies6.jpg

So, here is my gripe with the movie.

The story behind the movie is that some kids find a pirate ship that belonged to the legendary One Eyed Willy in Astoria, Oregon. Then they must find some treasure on the pirate ship in order to save the dying area in which they live from some greedy white guys who want to build a golf course where their homes used to be. So in a race against time they hunt for pirate treasure while some Italian mob stereotypes chase them to get the tresure as well. Also one of the kids befriends a big gigantic retard with a melted face who is part of the villains family.

1. Why would a pirate be in Astoria? In the story, the pirate One Eyed Willy stole treasure from the English, got chased by the English navy, then had a epic battle at Astoria where near sinking he fled into a cave and was presumed dead. The name, One Eyed Willy, I can assume he is an English pirate? Hypothetically, if that is true, he was traitor to his own country after robbing some treasury, fled across the world to the pacific side of North America in the middle of nowhere at the time. Of all the places, why Astoria? Wouldn't that be ridiculous to get near only having one ship?

He was a pirate, he has no loyalty to anyone but himself... Hence why he killed his crew, the real question is how did they build all of those traps..

2. Why would the English army chase a man that far with only one boat of treasure? I mean, damn, did he rob the crown jewels or something? Kidnap the queen? Nah, he just stole one boat full of loot and started sailing away. Would it be worth sending the whole navy across the world just to smoke one dude with a crappy name? I mean, Oregon? Really? Let's say they did chase him all the way down, why the hell would they go all the way down there, do a half-ass job arresting him, and give up after he sailed into a cave. I mean, damn, if you are on the water for so many months chasing one guy you would think that it would be best if with all that time wasted to try to get the loot back. Why did they have to send the whole Navy?

Don't remember the lore, maybe they thought they sunk the ship.. When all of those black powder canons go off it is a lot of smoke.. Or they thought they sunk him in the cave with the collapse of the walls...

3. In the movie, the children discover the location of the Pirate ship from a Spanish Map. Are we to assume that One Eyed Willy was a Spanish pirate? If he aligned with Spain, why the hell did he go all the way to the pacific ocean for an escape instead of going back to Spain? Why would a Spanish pirate be called one eyed willy? How did his boat even make it there?!

He was a pirate, stole from everybody.. Or the English stole gold from Spanish ships in which he stole from.. He was a pirate period..

4. In the Inferno (Willy's ship), he has tons of Doubloons. If he stole from the English, why would they have a mass horde of Doubloons? See above

5. In the movie, the villains have a retard with super human strength who they chain to a wall. Why would they even bother dragging him around if they hate him so much, feed him garbage, and chain him to various basements? They seem to have the moral fiber to be able to kill children, so what is stopping them from killing a big hulking window lickin' tard who screams all the time? It is their brother, retard or not..

6. The entrance to the cave is hidden because some asshole build a cafe in the middle of nowhere on a cliff next to the sea. How is that good business sense? Like... "Hey hunny, let's start a restaurant? Yeah, inside town? Heh... that's retarded. Let's instead build it like 15 miles outside of town past a forest next to a cliff. Yeah. People will come all over for that. Oh, and let's make the place disgusting as hell and put in the biggest basement possible."
Probably popular place when it was first built, seriously drive through the country side some time.. And the place looked to be out of business for awhile..

And you did not see him in the other movies because he drowned at Crystal lake..

kcxiv

03-04-2010, 05:00 AM

haha. Johnny 5 rocked. I remember when i used to play Everquest. There was this one guy who played a ogre warrior named Brutall, we called him Johnny 5 because the dude was ALWAYS in game. like almost 24/7. He didnt need sleep, he was a robot. and i dont know why i told that story its 3am and i cant sleep and i am bored. ya.

AustinChief

03-04-2010, 05:19 AM

Awesome.

http://img.waffleimages.com/bd1bfc0d6cb7529a76bb908af367b0fd585da109/the_goonies6.jpg

So, here is my gripe with the movie.

The story behind the movie is that some kids find a pirate ship that belonged to the legendary One Eyed Willy in Astoria, Oregon. Then they must find some treasure on the pirate ship in order to save the dying area in which they live from some greedy white guys who want to build a golf course where their homes used to be. So in a race against time they hunt for pirate treasure while some Italian mob stereotypes chase them to get the tresure as well. Also one of the kids befriends a big gigantic retard with a melted face who is part of the villains family.

1. Why would a pirate be in Astoria? In the story, the pirate One Eyed Willy stole treasure from the English, got chased by the English navy, then had a epic battle at Astoria where near sinking he fled into a cave and was presumed dead. The name, One Eyed Willy, I can assume he is an English pirate? Hypothetically, if that is true, he was traitor to his own country after robbing some treasury, fled across the world to the pacific side of North America in the middle of nowhere at the time. Of all the places, why Astoria? Wouldn't that be ridiculous to get near only having one ship?

http://i.imgur.com/X0css.jpg

2. Why would the English army chase a man that far with only one boat of treasure? I mean, damn, did he rob the crown jewels or something? Kidnap the queen? Nah, he just stole one boat full of loot and started sailing away. Would it be worth sending the whole navy across the world just to smoke one dude with a crappy name? I mean, Oregon? Really? Let's say they did chase him all the way down, why the hell would they go all the way down there, do a half-ass job arresting him, and give up after he sailed into a cave. I mean, damn, if you are on the water for so many months chasing one guy you would think that it would be best if with all that time wasted to try to get the loot back. Why did they have to send the whole Navy?

3. In the movie, the children discover the location of the Pirate ship from a Spanish Map. Are we to assume that One Eyed Willy was a Spanish pirate? If he aligned with Spain, why the hell did he go all the way to the pacific ocean for an escape instead of going back to Spain? Why would a Spanish pirate be called one eyed willy? How did his boat even make it there?!

4. In the Inferno (Willy's ship), he has tons of Doubloons. If he stole from the English, why would they have a mass horde of Doubloons?

5. In the movie, the villains have a retard with super human strength who they chain to a wall. Why would they even bother dragging him around if they hate him so much, feed him garbage, and chain him to various basements? They seem to have the moral fiber to be able to kill children, so what is stopping them from killing a big hulking window lickin' tard who screams all the time?

6. The entrance to the cave is hidden because some asshole build a cafe in the middle of nowhere on a cliff next to the sea. How is that good business sense? Like... "Hey hunny, let's start a restaurant? Yeah, inside town? Heh... that's retarded. Let's instead build it like 15 miles outside of town past a forest next to a cliff. Yeah. People will come all over for that. Oh, and let's make the place disgusting as hell and put in the biggest basement possible."

#1 as a privateer.. he may have fled up the KNOWN coast for safety (study your history) your map is dead wrong.. he would have come UP the coast.

#2 again.. PRIVATEER... study the naval politics and it is improbable but possible

#3 PRIVATEER... english but working with or against the Spanish navy.. who at the the time had the most accurate maps of that coastal region

#4 see the last two points...

#5 no clue on this... but maybe it's a loyalty issue.. who knows... no accounting for how different people handle 'tards.. your parents let you live....

#6 You obviously haven't been to northern Cali... I will go you one further... the location is brilliant for a business... this point is a nonstarter.

btw.. argued for the sake of...

Pushead2

03-04-2010, 05:34 AM

Why was that one dude so ripped, everyone knows the soloflex-type machine that he was using doesn't provide enough negative resistence to really blast his triceps.

ROFL

Huffman83

03-04-2010, 05:44 AM

ChiefJustice

03-04-2010, 05:51 AM

#5 no clue on this... but maybe it's a loyalty issue.. who knows... no accounting for how different people handle 'tards.. your parents let you live...

btw.. argued for the sake of...

ROFL

http://www.threadbombing.com/data/media/2/32b260929a0df1ce47df21848ba394790da8aea6.gif